Expectations
Part 6 in series
Relating to God: What We Can Learn About God Through Our Closest Relationships On Earth
Wildwind Community Church
David Flowers
March 14, 2009
We’re in part 6 tonight of our series Relating to God: What We Can Learn About God Through Our Closest Relationships On Earth. Tonight I want to talk to you about role expectations. Role expectations. I’m a little nervous about this sermon, because I know that none of you have any expectations of your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancée, or whatever, right? Actually, it’s just the opposite, isn’t it? It’s not that we don’t have any expectations, it’s that we often have so many expectations that we start tripping over them. We think our spouses ought to be this way, and our bosses ought to be that way, and our churches and small groups ought to be this way, and our boyfriends and girlfriends ought to be that way, and our kids ought to be this way, and the neighbors kids ought to be that way. We think he’s too much this way, and she’s too much that way, and he’s not enough this way and she’s still way too much that way!
Expectations in a relationship are what I like to call the “silent killer.” You know, there are those diseases called “silent killers.” They’re the ones without symptoms. At least there often aren’t any symptoms until it’s too late. You read magazine article about them and try to make yourself aware of what they are, and you try to get screened for them, or at least eat properly to avoid them or whatever. Expectations are kind of like that! Your expectations for people often exist outside of your conscious awareness. In other words, a lot of times you don’t realize what your expectations are until when? Until somebody fails to meet them. And when somebody fails to meet your expectations, what do you do? Do you kind of academically observe, “Hmmm…my expectations have just been violated.” No, you get angry, right?! Or you feel hurt! In fact you feel downright ripped off. Why? Because expectations operate in our minds as “shoulds.” If I have expectations of you, that means that I have a mental list of things you should do, things you should say, things you should and should not care about, things you should and should not be willing to do for me, or whatever. That’s what an expectation is – it’s an unconscious (not like knocked out, but like something you are not aware of) set of shoulds.
Ladies, let’s name some expectations most women have of men.
Excellent, men, what are some expectations you have of women?
I want to think about this “should” thing for a minute. Should is a powerful word. When you have expectations of a person, it’s not that you think it would be nice if they did this or that. It’s that you think they SHOULD. That means they OUGHT to. That means that in your mind they have some kind of DUTY to act in the way you think they SHOULD act. Now let’s face it – that’s a pretty strong burden to lay on somebody, isn’t it? I mean for real.
So let me flip this around. As we talk about how expectations can be a pretty heavy burden, have you ever felt yourself crushed under the weight of somebody else’s expectations for you? Remember what that felt like? Some of you are in relationships where you feel like every single day you are failing to meet the expectations of the other person. Day after day after day after day. How’s that feel for you? Or maybe you’re the one with the expectations that are never met. How does that feel for you? I mean, what is the result of having expectations that go chronically unmet day after week after month after year? What’s the result? Heartburn? Frustration? Anger? Resentment? Bitterness? Seething disappointment?
Are you seeing where I’m going with this? Expectations can really cause problems! Expectations can cause problems whether you’re the one whose expectations are not met, or whether you are the one who has disappointed someone by failing to meet their expectations of you. And they’re tricky, because they are so unseen and so unexamined. We often don’t even discover them until someone lets us down and even then we get angry but often fail to realize the expectations that are behind our sense of being let down. But can you imagine what would happen in your closest relationships if you could learn to lift and relax and sometimes suspend your expectations?
I have some expectations of my kids, but none of my expectations for them involve them meeting any of my needs. Sometimes they’ll say stuff like, “Dad, I’m sorry you have to deal with this or that,” which is very sweet. But I will often respond, “Thank you for your compassion – but please understand that you do not have to carry my burdens. (at least not until I’m old – then “please help me!”) I don’t expect them to meet my needs. But Christy – Christy has the joy of living life under the burden of my expectations. That’s not always easy. And I’m developing this vision lately for me and for her – what if I could suspend my expectations of her? What if I could let go of them and just sit back and watch her journey with God with joy, the way I watch my girls? What if it wasn’t about her meeting my needs and doing this or that, or her needing to be a certain way, but just about enjoying the gift of her warmth and friendship? My friends, part of what’s getting in the way of your closest relationships being able to thrive may be your expectations of other people.
So expectations are usually subconscious – we don’t realize we have them. Second is that we must realize that our expectations of others are often unreasonable, unfounded, and based more on our own needs than on realistic understanding of the other person. To see this you need look no further than your closest human relationship. I want you to think back to when you first met this person. How long did it take after you first met them to realize you were carrying expectations of them that they were not meeting? After that, how long did it take you to realize they might never meet these expectations? And after that, how long did it take you to let go of these expectations and learn to love that person not for what you expected them to be, but for who they really were? Anybody still working on that?
We go into relationships with unreasonable expectations of people. Usually we also have unreasonable expectations of ourselves. How long has it taken you to learn to accept yourself for who you are? If you still have not accepted yourself, I assure you that you have not learned to accept other people. You can’t. As long as it’s about making yourself live up to those unreasonable expectations you have for yourself, you will expect others to live up to them too. Why? Remember? Because they’re shoulds. To you, it just seems like your expectations are the basic ways people should be. Whatever you expect, chances are good you expect it both out of yourself and others.
Third, just like last week I said we deeply desire intimacy, yet are totally freaked out by it, so also we have a deep need to know what the expectations of other people are, and yet we are often freaked out by their expectations. If we don’t know them, we live in constant uncertainty that somehow we’re letting people down. But we’re also afraid of finding out that people expect something of us that we think maybe we can’t deliver. As usual in this series, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. You have felt the uncertainty of not knowing what your boss expects. That’s scary, isn’t it? After all, you know he/she expects something, and your job depends on your meeting those expectations. So you want to know what they are. On the other hand, you desperately hope they’re not too high, or that you haven’t already been letting your boss down for the past six months. I often find that couples don’t know what each other’s expectations are. We’re too afraid to ask, so we keep stabbing in the dark, hoping we’re getting it right, and then arguing when we don’t. And around and around we go.
Last before we move on to God, the health of a relationship depends on 1) determining what expectations you can reasonably have of others and what you must let go of; and 2) what expectations of others you will prioritize, and which you will choose to not meet. This is a mouthful and I could probably preach ten sermons just on this point. Suffice to say that in order for your closest relationships to be healthy, at some point you will need to determine what expectations are reasonable. After all, you can’t live angry or disappointed or resentful all your life. And you’ll have to let go of the ones that aren’t reasonable. That takes time. You must also decide which expectations of others you will prioritize and which you will choose to not meet. I realize it’s easier to just barrel through life not consciously making those choices, but the result for most people is continually feeling like they have failed someone. Better to take the reins and make choices about which expectations you can fulfill and which ones you can’t.
Okay, so let’s get God in here. Just like your expectations of other people are often unconscious, so are your expectations of God. You don’t realize all the shoulds you have for God. I was 22 years old and had been a Christian all my life before I discovered my expectations of God. Apparently, my expectation was that God would always keep me happy and healthy and whole. Now I didn’t realize that. In fact I’d have told you I DIDN’T expect those things out of God. But then some pretty tough stuff happened in my life and I found myself miserable and unhealthy and broken. And you know what? I was angry. In fact I was furious. At God. When something really bad happens to you, and you get mad, it usually shows your expectations were violated. You’re mad because somebody took a big shouldn’t all over one of your shoulds. And the person you’re mad at is usually the one who you think is to blame, whether you admit it or not. So I expected God to keep me happy and healthy and whole. One day I find myself miserable and unhealthy and broken and I’m angry, because God let me down. God didn’t perform according to my expectations. Now God’s Word is nothing if not a huge book full of stories about how God didn’t perform according to people’s expectations. But we all think, “It’s not gonna happen to me. Surely God will see the wisdom in MY expectations and MY agenda for my life.”
When you leave here tonight, you’ll receive a handout that lists some expectations people had of Jesus, and ways that Jesus failed to meet, or sometimes exceeded, their expectations. That is what God does. He is God.
Great Expectations
WHAT WAS EXPECTED WHAT JESUS DID REFERENCE
A man looked for healing Jesus also forgave his sins Mark 2:1-12
A widow was resigned to Jesus restored her
bury her dead son son to life Luke 7:11-17
The crowds looked for a Jesus offered them an eternal, A theme
political leader to set up spiritual kingdom to overthrow throughout
a new kingdom to overthrow sin’s control the Gospels
Rome’s control
The disciples wanted to eat Jesus washed their feet
the Passover meal with Jesus, showing that he was
their Master also their servant John 13:1-20
And how about that resurrection thing, huh?
Many of us probably don’t even know what our expectations of God are, but we are responding to him according to those expectations. Now does any human being fulfill all of your expectations? Of course not. Is it reasonable to expect God to do that? Of course not. People will meet some and fail to meet others. The same with God. And just like with people, God will astonish and amaze you by the way he meets and exceeds some of your expectations, and he will devastate you by the way he fails to meet others. Expectations are part of a relationship. So is having some of those expectations go unrealized. And just as I spoke of the companionship and joy that could come if we could release our human companions from the burden of some of those expectations, how much more so with God. I mean, being a disciple of Jesus must have been a frustrating experience – except in those times when they were able to release Jesus from their limited visions and expectations, and just watch him do his thing! There is far more growth ahead for you through your expectations of God and others that are never realized than through the ones that are. Why? Because whether you’re talking about human beings or about God, your expectations say far more about you than they do about anyone else. I’ll leave you to think through that.
Third, we deeply want to know what God expects, and yet we’re scared to death to know what he expects. I know of few areas where people are more neurotic than this one. I was once in a spiritual conversation with a young man who started out criticizing the church because the church always tells you what to do. To him, that was proof that churches are up to no good. They just want to control your life. By the end of the discussion he was being critical of churches that don’t tell you exactly what to do with every detail of your life because, to him, that was a sign that they really don’t KNOW what to do and are just making it up as they go along. He made these comments within a half hour of each other! It’s like our need for intimacy, and yet our fear of it. Here’s an awesome expectation God has given us:
Galatians 5:19-21 (MSG)
19 It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness;
20 trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits;
21 the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community.
I could go on. This isn’t the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God’s kingdom.
This is God’s expectation – that we not live lives like these. And seriously, people are busy making arguments about how God expects too much, or has been unclear, or doesn’t exist? Why, because there’s something in us that really desires to live this kind of life? Is there anyone on the planet who would read that and say, “That’s exactly the way we should be living?” Of course not. God’s expectations have been made clear and rather than rejoicing that God has been clear with us, many are critical that he has restricted us too much, or angry that they cannot do what they want to do. Many of us who try to live this life heap constant blame and shame on ourselves for failing to meet all of God’s expectations of us. But who’s voice is that anyway?
Revelation 12:10 (MSG)
10 Then I heard a strong voice out of Heaven saying, Salvation and power are established! Kingdom of our God, authority of his Messiah! The Accuser of our brothers and sisters thrown out, who accused them day and night before God.
We can’t decide whether we want God to help us live rightly and set those expectations, or whether we want him to butt out and leave us alone. Usually we adopt the approach of wanting him to butt out and leave his expectations out of our lives, and then begging him to get involved when our lives aren’t going well – asking him then to meet OUR expectations and sometimes talking about how evil he is because he doesn’t. Does this say more about God or about us?
Finally, the health of a relationship with God depends on 1) determining what expectations you can reasonably have of God and what you must let go of; and 2) whether or not you will meet God’s expectations of you. That’s a huge question and one we must think deeply about. What expectations can I reasonably have of God? And what expectations of God do I need to let go of? The plain truth is that there are many atheists in the world today who are atheists because they discovered at some point that God did not meet their expectations and decided not to believe at all. That is an option. Frankly it’s an option I have toyed with at different times in my life. But the problem with that is that I know I cannot become like those I most admire if I stop believing in God. Belief in God and staking our lives on that belief has power to change us into people who are different than we could ever be otherwise. The other issue there for me is that I have matured more and grown more from this journey of developing my expectations of God than from anything else. I know the next time real earth-shaking difficulty strikes in my life, I will not be angry with God. This shows I no longer expect God to keep me happy and healthy and whole all the time. Here’s why that’s a good thing.
John 16:33 (NIV)
33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Jesus never promised a trouble-free life. In fact, he promised trouble to us! But he also promised that we can have peace in the midst of our trouble. I wonder how many people have given up belief in God because he didn’t meet their expectation to keep them from trouble, and so they have never gone on to experience peace in the midst of trouble. And isn’t it true that if this is what God has actually promised us, and this is what we learn to expect, that our expectations of God have actually gotten higher? God will not meet your safe and low expectations of him. But if you stick with him, he will teach you to have new expectations that are deeper and higher than what you ever had before. Because your expectations (of God and others) say more about the kind of person you are than they do about the one you’re expecting things from. And so we give up the expectation that God is going to meet our expectations, and we commit ourselves to learning from God’s Word and from our life experiences what we can REALLY expect from God.
And of course that second half of this point is critical. Will we or will we not meet God’s expectations of us? In committing to do this, we will learn more about God than in any other way. Because we assume God expects things of us he does not expect (instant perfection, constant striving, performance), we often fail to meet his real expectations of us (faithfulness, perseverance, giving this moment to him right now). Just like we do with people, we project our expectations onto God. We assume that God expects of us what we expect of ourselves. I’m glad he doesn’t, because some of our expectations of ourselves are the most toxic and ungodly things about us. When we are immature in faith, we assume God expects us to be good. Maturity tells us that he expects us to become good. When we are immature we assume God expects us to pray. Eventually we learn God expects us to learn to pray. Immature faith believes God expects us to not fear in the face of trouble. Maturity assures us that God expects us to cling to him in trouble, and then over many years we will find that clinging to God helps us respond properly to fear.
So God will shape us in huge ways as we decide to learn to meet not the perfectionistic, rigid, misguided expectations we think God has, but the real ones. God’s real expectations for us are gentle, reasonable, and always, always in our best interests.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Those are God’s intentions for us, and his expectations of us are simply that we live in ways that allow his intentions to be fulfilled in our lives.
We all have expectations – of each other and of God. They often fly under the radar and are unseen by us. They can be the source of great frustration. They say more about us than about those from whom we expect things. And in both human and divine relationships, our greatest growth can happen as we learn to deal properly with them.
