Intimacy
Part 5 in series
Relating to God: What We Can Learn About God Through Our Closest Relationships On Earth
Wildwind Community Church
David Flowers
March 7, 2009
Time to get intimate tonight. For the past few weeks we’ve been looking at what we know about important aspects of human relationships (trust, commitment, communication, etc.) and seeing if we could use that information to help us understand God better. Why? Because whatever else a relationship with God is, it is a relationship. Relationships have rules, if you will. There are certain things we should do to have good relationships, and certain things we should avoid if we do not want to have bad ones. Most of us have some understanding of this in our relationships with human beings – but how does this translate into a relationship with God? Are the rules totally different? If trust is necessary in human relationships, is it important in our relationship with God? How so? If the basis of human relationships is faithfulness, can we expect to relate to God if we are not faithful? If relationship is an essential context for effective communication with fellow human beings, can we expect to communicate effectively with God if we do not have a relationship with him? These are the kinds of questions we have been dealing with. And now it’s time to get intimate. Sometimes people make fun of Wikipedia, but I think it really nailed this description of intimacy.
Intimacy refers to a familiar and very close connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.
Isn’t that rich? Intimacy is a familiar and very close connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability, and reciprocity. Those four points right there – those’ll preach. I’m not gonna preach them, but they’ll preach alright.
Strangely, the first thing I want to focus on tonight in our look at intimacy are those words, “as a result.” A familiar and very close connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship.” This is the first point I want to make about intimacy. Intimacy is a result. You might say it is a consequence. Intimacy comes about as a result, or consequence, of other things I am doing in a relationship. When you think about it that way, that means there’s no way I can directly pursue intimacy. I can’t say, “Okay, there’s intimacy, I’m going to have that.” Since it is a result, or a consequence (technically you could even call it a by-product!) of other things, if we want intimacy we must find out what those other things are and then pursue those things!
This is exactly where we must begin. Many would say they want their relationship with their spouse or fiancée to be an intimate relationship, but perhaps are not that committed to the things that create intimacy – the things of which intimacy is a consequence, result, or by-product. I know guys that their approach to intimacy is “There. I bought you flowers. Was that intimate? Was that it right there? Did you like the way I kissed you when you got home? Was that intimacy – was that it?” But intimacy isn’t buying flowers. It isn’t a kiss after work. Intimacy is a logical result of the buildup of tons of acts like this. It is what is created when intimacy-creating acts and words come to define our habitual ways of relating to each other, and intimacy-destroying acts and words are consistently avoided and rejected. Intimacy is not an act, or even an attitude. It is an atmosphere. Let’s talk for a moment about intimacy creating and intimacy destroying actions. This is extremely important to understand. I’m convinced that if more people understood this rock solid truth, there would be a lot less divorce in the world.
Since intimacy is a consequence, a result, or a by-product, think about what that means. That means there are words and actions and attitudes that logically and necessarily lead toward it, and words and actions and attitudes that logically and necessarily lead away from it. Stay with me. Since intimacy is a consequence, a result, or a by-product, (something that comes from something else), that means there are words and actions and attitudes that logically and necessarily lead toward it, and words and actions and attitudes that logically and necessarily lead away from it. When we say “logically,” what we mean is that we can look at certain words and actions and attitudes and say, “It makes sense that those lead toward or away from intimacy.” Now when we say “necessarily” what we mean is that certain words, actions, and attitudes HAVE TO and MUST lead toward intimacy and certain words, actions, and attitudes HAVE TO and MUST lead away from it. This is an incredibly powerful thing to realize. There are certain words you can use, certain attitudes you can adopt, and certain actions you can do, that absolutely positively will lead to the development of intimacy in your closest relationship. Why? Because intimacy is a result – it comes about logically and necessarily from other things.
In my counseling work one of the things I hear most often is, “We have fallen out of love.” And couples are always skeptical when I say, “Well you can fall back in again!” The problem is they are thinking of intimacy in the wrong way. If you either have it or you don’t, and this couple doesn’t, then they’re in trouble. But if intimacy is a result (a by-product) of certain actions and attitudes and words, then let’s look at how the actions and attitudes and words that you’ve been using are the kind that destroy intimacy and not the kind that create it. How do we know with this couple that they’ve been using the kind of words, actions, and attitudes that destroy intimacy? Because intimacy is gone – it has been destroyed! And since intimacy is a result of certain kinds of words, certain kinds of actions, certain kinds of attitudes, and the intimacy in this relationship is gone, we can therefore logically conclude that the actions, attitudes, and words in this relationship have been the kind that destroy intimacy. And if there were certain actions, attitudes, and words that destroyed it, because that is what certain actions, certain attitudes, and certain words logically and necessarily do, then what else can we conclude? We can conclude that if this couple is willing to ditch the actions, attitudes, and words that drained the intimacy out of their marriage, and embrace the kinds of actions, attitudes, and words that logically and necessarily lead to intimacy, they can “reintimify” their relationship! That’s probably the one thing I’ll say tonight that the fewest number of people in this room really get. You can “reintimify” a relationship that has lost its intimacy. How do I know? Because it’s safe to assume you were once intimate – connected, close to each other, etc. And if you were once intimate, and intimacy comes as a by-product of other things, then those things were once present in the relationship. The lack of intimacy now is proof that the things that were in the relationship before that led to intimacy are now gone. So restore those things and you will restore intimacy. See, what we’re saying is that there are things that inevitably lead toward intimacy and things that inevitably lead away from it. Inevitably. So let’s move on to the next point about intimacy.
Since intimacy is a consequence (a result), it absolutely cannot be had in absence of the things that inevitably lead to it, and it absolutely cannot be missed in the presence of those things. See what I’m saying? I’m saying that you will never have intimacy unless you say the words, adopt the attitudes, and do the actions that inevitably lead to it. And I’m also saying that if intimacy is gone, you have a nearly certain chance of restoring it if both of you in the relationship will do the things that inevitably lead to it.
One more thing about intimacy in general before we talk about God. Intimacy in human relationships is both a goal and a deep fear. We want it and set our sights on it from engagement on, but most of our deepest and longest-running conflicts stem from our fears of true intimacy. We avoid real communication. We shy away from being open and transparent and vulnerable with each other. We protect ourselves and our own interests. The way we fear intimacy, the way we avoid real connection, real closeness, real vulnerability, to me is kind of like being willing to have sex but only when it’s pitch dark. And I don’t want to get down into anybody’s personal stuff here and however you are sexually is your business, but my point is how some say “Let’s have sex. Let’s be close. Let’s get intimate. But I don’t want you to see me . I don’t want our eyes to meet. I don’t want to be vulnerable to you. I’m afraid of what you might see if you really see me, or I’m afraid of what I might see when I look at you looking back at me.” We engage, but in a kind of disengaged way. We might have sex biologically, but leave out much of the connection that comes through transparency and vulnerability and mutuality. There’s just something a little fearful and wounded about that. And it describes to a T how conflicted we are about intimacy in general. We crave it, we want to work toward it, but we’re scared to death of the vulnerability it requires. What if I’m vulnerable and I get rejected? Rejection isn’t as embarrassing and painful when we’re not quite putting it all out there. But if I’m full-out, here’s me – all of me – and get the rejection in that moment – man, that stings. And yet, of course, the potential for rejection and hurt is simply the dark underbelly of the potential for connection and safety. Because as our definition told us, intimacy is about entering deeply and closely into relationship through both knowledge (the good and bad things I know) and experience (the agony and the ecstasy –the arguments and the sex and the connection and oneness).
So what we have established so far about intimacy between human beings? First, it’s a result or a by-product or a consequence. It comes about as a result of other things. Second, there are things that inevitably lead toward it, and things that inevitably lead away from it. Third, we will never have intimacy in the absence of the things that naturally lead toward it, and we almost can’t miss it when those things are present. Fourth, intimacy is both a goal and a fear.
You know, these things are almost equally true when we apply them to God. Intimacy with God, like intimacy between people, is a by-product. It comes about as we live with him in an environment of faithfulness and vulnerability and open communication. Intimacy with God is an atmosphere. It is an environment of trust and closeness. It grows with our obedience to him and as we grow in both knowledge and experience of God.
Ephesians 3:16-19 (GW)
16 I’m asking God to give you a gift from the wealth of his glory. I pray that he would give you inner strength and power through his Spirit.
17 Then Christ will live in you through faith. I also pray that love may be the ground into which you sink your roots and on which you have your foundation.
18 This way, with all of God’s people you will be able to understand how wide, long, high, and deep his love is.
19 You will know Christ’s love, which goes far beyond any knowledge. I am praying this so that you may be completely filled with God.
Christ living in you – now that’s intimacy! No matter how close you might get to your spouse, you’ll never be able to actually live inside of them and be completely filled with them. Although I certainly don’t want you to miss the sexual metaphors there because sex can be a powerful expression of something spiritual that is going on. I have preached about that before. It is unwise for us to overlook those things because we might wish to not think of sexuality and spirituality at the same time. Especially because God himself uses sexual language (Song of Songs, OT prophets, even the NT) to describe his relationship with his people. It’s like God desires this deeply spiritual relationship with us, creates us male and female so we can express this extraordinary connectedness with one another, then turns around and uses sexual terms to describe the depth of the connectedness he wants with us because it’s something we can understand. Please don’t feel strange about that because there’s something profoundly spiritual going on there in the sexual connection and it’s okay to really think deeply about that. But intimacy with God is a result of this connection we live in with God. It’s an environment.
Second, with God, just like between human beings, there are things that inevitably lead toward intimacy and things that inevitably lead away from it. Psalms says the person who delights in God’s law…
Psalm 1:3 (NIV)
3 …is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.
Delight in God’s law produces life and intimacy with God. Inevitably.
John 15:5 (NCV)
5 "I am the vine, and you are the branches. If any remain in me and I remain in them, they produce much fruit. But without me they can do nothing.
Staying connected to Jesus allows us to make something productive of our lives. Inevitably. Just as inevitably, without this vital connection to Christ, we can’t do anything meaningful.
Since this whole thing hinges on the word “inevitably,” we would do well to find out what the inevitables are that lead to connection with God. I submit to you those are the things the church has been trying to teach for thousands of years. Prayer. Silence. Reading and memorizing God’s Word. Faithful attendance at church and connection to others in the church. Regular times of aloneness with God. Confession of our sins. Fasting. These and things like these, when done prayerfully and with the desire to know God, will inevitably lead to intimacy with God. They just will. Count on it.
Third, we will never have intimacy with God in the absence of the things that inevitably lead to it. If you say you want to be close to God, to know him in your mind and in your heart, but you do not pray, do not read God’s Word, and do not consistently attempt to be obedient to him, you can forget about ever knowing him. And just as there are things that inevitably lead to knowing God, there are things that inevitably lead to NOT knowing him.
Romans 8:8 (NCV)
8 Those people who are ruled by their sinful selves cannot please God.
It doesn’t say, “Should not,” or “Might not.” It says, “Cannot.” It’s impossible. In other words it is inevitable that those who live for themselves will fail to know God.
Finally, intimacy with God is something many people seek, but those who seek it also fear it. I suggest that most of those who do not seek it fear it even more. Why do we fear intimacy with God? Three words: obliteration of self.
Matthew 10:39 (NIV)
39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Henri Nouwen wrote:
It seems that in order to find my place in life I need to be angry, resentful, or hurt. It even seems that these people gave me my identity by the very ways in which they wounded me. Part of me is “the wounded one.” It is hard to know who I am when I can no longer point my finger at someone who is the cause of my pain.
It is hard to know who I am when I can no longer point my finger. It is hard to know who I am without my woundedness, my sin, my weakness, my selfishness, my pain, my brokenness. We who go to Christ with our pain and struggles and sin go to him to be healed, and yet find that we will not know who we are if he comes through and heals us. We hate these burdens we carry, but they define us. Who are we without them? Just like a husband might fear being one with his wife because then who is he as a man, you or I might fear being one with God because then who are we as human beings? I mean, I’m not a big fan of selfish, perfectionistic, rigid, demanding, controlling, angry, fearful Dave – but it’s the only Dave I know. So I ask for deliverance and healing, but then keep unasking – taking back my request by periodically distancing myself from God so he cannot provide the healing I asked for. Then of course I blame him for not answering my prayers. (This is what the sin-sick soul does.) It’s the spiritual equivalent of only and always wanting sex in the dark. “Be close to me, fulfill me, comfort me, console me, satisfy me, but do not look at me, do not know me, do not remind me of who I am, and do not ask me for more. Fill me up, and do it completely, but do it in a way that leaves me alone.” We send mixed signals, to each other and to God.
John 5:6 (MSG)
6 When Jesus saw [a paralyzed man] stretched out by the pool and knew how long he had been there, he said, "Do you want to get well?"
Do you want to get well? Do you want to lose this crippling illness that defines you? Are you ready to take on the responsibilities of being healthy and whole? Intimacy with God will increasingly free you from your crippling illnesses, from your pain, from your anger and fear. And that is itself a fearful thing.
But intimacy is always a risk, be it with God or with other human beings. There is a lot to be gained, but we aren’t familiar with it. We’re familiar with the burdens we carry now and at least we know what we’re dealing with, even if we’re miserable. So the question is do you want to get well. Do you want to be healed? Do you want to know God? Are you willing to embrace the things that will inevitably bring you closer and closer to God, and continue shuffling off the things that inevitably separate you from him? Are you willing to let God know you? Intimacy always costs something. Are you willing to pay what it costs?
