First Baptist Church
Exodus 20:12
Ephesians 6:1-4
“Do you want a spanking? This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. Do you want a timeout? You don’t want me to pull this car over! I told you to finish your homework. Clean your room! Turn that music down! Don’t get smart with me! If everyone else jumped off the bridge, would you? Because I said so, that’s why! You’re grounded! When are you going to grow up? Just wait until you have kids! I hope they turn out just like you.”
Don’t you just love parenting? If you’ve ever said three or more of those statements, you are definitely a parent. If you have said all of those statements more than once, maybe in the past week, then you really need a vacation! Parenting is an acquired skill, it is not one that we are born with, and frankly it’s probably not a skill we will ever master.
There was a group of expectant fathers in the waiting room, while their wives were in the delivery room. A nurse came in and announced to one man that his wife had just given birth to twins. "What a coincidence, I play for the Minnesota Twins!" A little later, the nurse came in and announced to another man that he was the proud father of triplets. "That’s amazing, I work for the 3M company." Upon hearing this, the third man in the room collapsed. When they were able to revive him, everyone wanted to know what was wrong. He said "I work for the 7-up Company!"
Kids keep you running, they always keep you on your toes. It has been said that insanity is hereditary. . . you get it from your kids. No matter how many times they ask why, how many times they put salt in the sugar shaker, no matter how many challenging experiences they provide us with, we still love them.
Ever notice that each family is like its own sovereign government. The family was designed to function in such a way that it is self-contained and self-sufficient. Think about it, each home has it’s own executive officers, legislators, police force and supreme court. Sometimes when children are around, they are often assigned top secret jobs, as if working for the CIA.
It is always worth the effort of being a parent. And the 5th Commandment deals with this parent - child relationship. It reminds children to respect their parents, and parents to respect their children.
The family serves as a child’s primary center for education, health, housing, and nutrition. It is up to the parents to provide security, love, and understanding. Home is where our children learn to cope with life, and to manage their lives responsibly. Home should be a safe place for them to discover themselves, and to learn about God. While teaching our children, we find the core of these lessons are about respect and obedience. To see just how vitally important this is, look around and you will realize all of the problems we have, and you should be able to see that they come from a lack of respect for authority. I believe this disrespect is a direct result from the deterioration of family values. Values are to be taught in the home. If we cannot teach our children to respect our authority, we cannot expect them to respect the world’s authority. The 5th Commandment sets forth the Biblical foundation for honoring those in authority.
So what are the requirements of this commandment? Like many other things we make this commandment harder than it really is. To answer that question, first let’s look at what is not required.
This commandment doesn’t require us to think our parents are perfect. Which is probably a good thing, since I don’t imagine most of us have perfect parents. Along the same line, it doesn’t require that parents actually be perfect. Total perfection is not in the job description. We have to realize that there are going to be mistakes, there are going to be hurt feelings and even arguments. We need to understand that this will take place, to work through the difficult times in ways that please God, not ourselves.
We are not required to believe our parents are always right. Nor does it inspire us as parents to believe we are always right. Sometimes parents get an "I Am God" syndrome where we feel our solutions are always the right ones. If the truth be known, sometimes even parents are flat out wrong. While it can be difficult to admit that we are wrong, if we and our children can admit our fallibility and place our trust in God rather than ourselves, our relationships will be that much stronger.
Unfortunately, our parents will not always act honorably. In some instances children have been totally embarrassed by the actions, and even the lifestyles of their parents. We are not required by this commandment to condone or participate in ungodly actions simply because our parents do it. We are not required to think everything our parents do is acceptable and even honorable.
Another thing that is not required is that we be just like our parents. Simply because I love sports does not mean that Joshua has to have the same interests. It would be nice, but he may have many other gifts, talents and hobbies. It is unfair to Joshua and all children to place this sort of burden upon them. Our children are not carbon copies of us, they have their own minds and wills. Our job is to guide them according to the principles of God’s Word, and let them make the best decisions they can.
These are some of the things that we are not required to do, but what does it mean to honor mother and father?
The word “honor” comes from a Hebrew word that literally means "to be heavy or weighty." It means we are to give great weight or importance to our parents. We are to hold them in high esteem and treat them as people who have profound value. It means that we acknowledge their position of honor in our life, listen carefully to their instructions, and are faithful to guard their reputations. We are to give them weight in our lives.
How do we talk about our parents? The words we use describe how what we think about our parents. What sort of language do you use? Are you embarrassed to be seen with them or do you become impatient or embarrassed by them? When you make snaring jokes and resentful comments about your parents, that is not the will of God. Do you join the crowd of others who insult their parents so that you can feel part of that group? Or do you honor your parents, even if you do not like some of the things they do?
This commandment simply means, children obey your parents. God tells us to obey our parents in the Lord because this is right. The parent is the ultimate authority figure in a child’s life, and it should be expected that children will obey them. Their word should be final. If parents make a mistake, then it is incumbent upon them, not the children, to correct that mistake through open and honest communication. Parents are not to be tyrannical dictators, but neither are they to allow the children to become the parents.
We might not always agree with them, or their actions, but we have an obligation to give them respect. I believe that parents have a certain amount of respect simply granted to them because of their position. A position granted by God. We can disagree with a punishment, an attitude, or a statement by the parent, but we must disagree respectfully. Not through yelling, screaming, and slamming doors; but through talking about our differences. This does not mean children cannot become angry, anger is acceptable, but how we display that anger is what makes the difference.
On the same token parents must love and respect their children. As Paul wrote in Ephesians 6:4, parents are not to provoke their children to anger, but should bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
David Simmons, was a cornerback for the Dallas Cowboys, and he spoke of his childhood home. His father was extremely demanding, rarely saying a kind word, always pushing him with harsh criticism to do better. His father decided that he would never permit his son to feel satisfaction from his accomplishments, reminding him there were always new goals ahead. When Dave was a little boy, his dad gave him an unassembled bicycle, with the command that he put it together. After Dave struggled to the point of tears, his father said, "I knew you couldn’t do it." Then he assembled it for him. When Dave played high school football his father was unrelenting in his criticisms. After every game, his dad would go over every play and point out Dave’s errors. Dave said "Most boys got butterflies before the game; I got them afterwards. Facing my father was more stressful than facing any opposing team." When Dave entered college, he hated his father and chose to play football at the University of Georgia because it was further from home than any school that offered him a scholarship. After college, he was the second round draft pick of the St. Louis Cardinal’s. Joe Namath was the teams first round pick. Dave said, I telephoned my father to tell him the good news and he said, ‘How does it feel to be second?’ Despite the hateful feelings he had for his father, Dave began to build a bridge to him. Christ had come into his life during college, and it was God’s love that made him turn to his father. During visits home he spoke with him and listened with interest to what his father had to say. He learned for the first time what his grandfather had been like--a tough lumberjack known for his quick temper. Once he destroyed a pickup truck with a sledgehammer because it would not start, and he often beat his son. This new awareness affected Dave dramatically. "Knowing about my father’s upbringing not only made me more sympathetic for him, but it helped me see that, under the circumstances, he might have done much worse. By the time he died, I can honestly say we were friends."
This is a powerful story because there are many people who find it very difficult to honor and respect their parents. Yet, the Bible tells us to honor them.
And this is where this commandment becomes so difficult. You see, it is easy to honor parents who loved and nurtured you. Parents who made sure they were always there for you when you were hurting. Parents who raised you in a home that taught discipline in a Godly manner. These parents are easy to love, respect and honor.
But, what do we do with a parent who has emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abused their children? How do you honor them, when deep in your soul, you hate them? Abuse of authority, using the trust God has placed in a parent for their own gain and satisfaction is a horrendous sin. I believe God will call those people to account for their actions.
‘But Michael, you don’t know my position! You don’t know my parents. The pain, you can’t imagine!’ And, you’re right. I can’t, because I was not in your home. And conversely, you were not in my home. Abuse is not out of my zone of experience. Fortunately, I had one parent, who gave me amazing unconditional love. For many of us the struggle with the past or present, is real. You hear the word "honor" and all kinds of red lights start flashing because that’s exactly what got thrown in your face. "You’ve got to honor me, and I’ll make you honor me. The Bible says you must. I say you must."
Know that God weeps with you in the midst of your pain. Abuse is a perversion of God’s will. It’s not what He meant. And it’s not what He wants for you. You don’t have to continue in it!
Although there are no simple cures to a painful childhood and adulthood, the biblical pattern for recovery begins with honesty. Honesty with your feelings. Because as long as you do not admit your feelings, then the journey back to health will not proceed very far. There has to be honesty with God and yourself about what happened.
How do you handle the bruises, the unrealized dreams, the fear, the self-doubt? First, don’t stuff the pain away and pretend it didn’t happen. Admit it. Cry it out. Get mad and get sad. Allow yourself to feel emotions. Find someone you trust, a Christian, with whom you can share this. Get support. Maybe Christian counseling will help give you new courage to face the anger, fears, and the coping techniques you’ve put in place; to face the lies and hurts that have been forced upon you. But, don’t do it alone.
One of the most difficult things to ever do in our lives is to forgive someone of abuses that have shaped us into the people we are today. We want to hate and condemn, yet, receiving and granting forgiveness leads us to the path of peace, healing and new life. We must forgive those who have sinned against us. Forgiveness is the cure to letting go of the past. We must forgive in response to the great gift of God’s forgiveness of us in Christ.
This commandment never says that you have to bow down to that abusive parent. You do not have to stand for what they do to you, yet, you are called to honor them. Honoring your parents doesn’t mean you have to like them or want to spend every holiday with them. It means that you do not shame them or take cheap shots at them by degrading or humiliating them. You know all their weaknesses, but it is dishonoring to use your knowledge of their failings as ammunition against them. You do not have to condone their actions, maybe you learn from them - what is right and what is wrong. It is not easy to let go of the pain we have endured. But harboring resentment in your heart and soul only pulls you further down, and that is not a place God wants you to be.
Know that we have One with ultimate authority, and complete power, yet One who never abuses it, never pushes it beyond where it ought to be, never betrays our trust, never degrades us, never cops out on promises or commitments. He is the One that the Bible describes as "Father," a perfect heavenly Father. Jesus referred to God not only as father, but when He says “Abba” it literally means daddy. That is the tender way Jesus viewed God, and it is the way that we too, can view God. God is a Parent who loves perfectly, in a way that we can always count on, reach to, & trust.
Why God allowed the abuses in some of our families to take place, I don’t know, but we have a unique opportunity to stop that pattern of abuse, not passing the abuses on to our children and loved ones. We also have an opportunity to call on God and experience the love of a Daddy, who desires to reach out to each of us to -
comfort and console
encourage and equip
guide and guard
hold and heal
provide and protect
listen and love
Finally, when God says if we honor our parents we will live a long life, I believe this refers to the way that we act in our lives. When we harbor that resentment, when we hold that anger inside ourselves, it will lead to shorter lives because of the damage it does to body, soul and mind.
Honoring our parents can sometimes be pretty easy and at other times it can be the most demanding task to do. God does not always ask us to do easy things, but a sign of our growth is evident when we can honor our parents. God, not Michael, calls you to honor, to give weight to your parents.
