I want to begin by asking a rather fundamental question… for you to consider within your own soul… Who are you?
Interesting question… we might begin answering it with simply our name… or our roles in life… or perhaps our relationships. Yet each seems to long for a deeper answer.
As you ponder that… I’d like to ask for a volunteer to take a little test.
(Shape Toy)
Did you ever take the ACT/SAT? This will be kind of like that. Have you ever seen one of these? I want you to take a few seconds to put these shapes into the canister. (According to our UCLA alumni this is the entrance exam into USC. Of course the USC alumni doubt the UCLA students could open it. Wow … now I’ve alienated everybody.)
Why didn’t you try to put the square in the round hole or the star into the square hole? Do you think if you tried hard enough it would have fit? Why not?
Each of my children had this type of toy… and each figured that out. (Eventually I figured it out as well. Quite a bright family.) No matter how forceful one of those ankle-biters is, they can’t fit a square peg into a round hole. Neither can you!
Yet I wonder as God looks upon his children… those created in His image… if He doesn’t see us trying to do just that.. I wonder if we don’t spend most of our lives trying to fit square pegs into round holes of life… all in an effort to find our identities.
That search isn’t new of course…
In the Bible, Solomon – the richest guy who ever lived struggled w/ this concept. In fact, the Bible says he tried, “Everything under the sun” to fill the hole in his heart. In his journal, the Book of Ecclesiastes, he says, “I said to myself, I said to my heart, ‘Come now. Let’s just see what might fill up that hole in my heart.’”
By the end of his life after trying it all, Solomon said, “You know what I discovered? It’s all meaningless. It’s just like chasing after the wind.”
Ecclesiastes 6:9
“This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.”
The very things that we most tend to identify ourselves with… cannot fulfill our identity.
Because you can’t cram a square peg into a round hole and you can’t use the things of this world to fill the God-shaped hole in your heart. Now that can lead to despair… and many honest souls have faced the potential futility of life… and decided not to just distract and divert into amusement and entertainment… but find the bottom. He concludes that the end of man… is to know and love God… and be loved by Him.
Solomon’s conclusion from Pr.19:22
“What a man desires is unfailing love…” - Proverbs 19:22
What a man, what a woman desires, what they’re REALLY after is an unfailing love.
I sense that’s true – don’t you? If one was to look at the root of the soul… the core of our longings… I believe that what we find deep within… is a longing for fundamental acceptance and affirmation that we are willed and wanted… that we belong. Such love is the answer to the longing that is inherent to human nature. (And because we are finite and will never fully understand all of the meaning in this life… finding that we are intended and wanted and loved proves even more significant.) Unfailing love is by nature that which transcends that of fellow creatures… it is unfailing because it existed before we developed these temporal bodies and will exist after.
The problem is we tend to go looking for love in all the wrong places.
Our culture revolves around that quest.
There has never been an end to romance stories and novels.
• Most popular genre in modern day literature.
• Over $1.2 billion in sales
• 55% of the paperback books published
> We are a culture looking for love… to love… and to be loved.
The pursuit of love has forever filled more songs than any other theme. . Just how many love songs have been written through the years? Songs that pledge their devotion like, “Ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough, ain’t no river wide enough to keep me from you.” (As someone said… What you need is a restraining order on that person!) Yes, I do think Solomon was correct – what we need is an unfailing love.
And of course the longing to be loved never ceases to run through the movies that fill the screens of our culture.
I’d like to quote the infamous philosopher Jerry McGuire. You know the movie w/ Cruise and Zellweger In the movie there are (3) famous lines – do you remember them? “Show me the money.” “You had me at hello.” The third is when he looks at his wife and he says, “You complete me.”
Leah and I have been married for 16years. I was telling her the other night… that while I knew that we would grow closer over the years… I never could have imagined how rich and rewarding life would become in such a lifelong love. Yet for all the love that has grown between us… she doesn’t complete me. She makes me a better man, but she doesn’t complete me. And if you were to ask her the same question, she’d tell you that I don’t complete her. I know that’s hard to believe w/ me being such a hunk, but I don’t fill the God-like shape in her heart, nor am I supposed to – that’s God’s job.
> To expect another person or relationship to complete you and fill up the God-like hole in you is setting that relationship up to fail. It is unfair and unrealistic. We end up sacrificing who we are.
Do you know what the fastest growing crime in America is? Identity theft is the nation’s fastest growing crime. It is when a person gains access to your life and personal information and begins to live extravagantly at your expense w/out your permission. It is when someone steals who you are and lives your life at your expense.
According to the NY Times – more than 27 million people have become a victim to identity theft in the past 5 years at a cost of $9.9 billion.
Newsweek Magazine says that over 40 million credit cards have been hacked into.
According to CBS News – an I.D. theft occurs every 79 seconds.
There’s this scary new world of identity theft.
But of course there is another type of identity theft… a deeper dimension … that has been going on a lot longer.
You see, the Bible tells me that my identity is not pastor of the Vineyard… or Leah’s husband… or the bearer of this body… but rather my identity is I’m a treasured child of the Most High God.
That’s who I am.
I’m a man whom God passionately and radically loves.
That’s my identity.
And there’s an enemy of our soul that wants to steal that identity away. He wants to steal it away
The Bible says that we have an enemy of our souls… one who has chosen separation from God… who has been trying to kill, steal, and destroy since the fall. I believe that it’s the plan of the enemy of our soul to use any means to steal our sense of true identity.
• Jesus called him the original identity thief. He said he’s the "father of lies".
• He said this about him in John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
• He knows that it doesn’t matter if something is true… it matters if you believe it to be true.
We can lose our true identities when they are…
• Stolen by an over-identifying with outward SUCCESS
• Pick pocketed by the PAST
• Mugged by the MIRROR of physical obsession.
• Robbed by RELATIONSHIPS
For the next few weeks we’re going to consider how to protect ourselves from these forces that seek to steel our true identity… how we can reclaim who God created us to be.
And today I want to continue with how we can be robed by relationships…. How someone else can live our lives.
(Personal Example)
Several years ago… Leah and I were going to be leaving for a trip the next morning. That evening we went to the gym… after which I couldn’t find my wallet… called into the credit card company… and I will never forget my surprise when the person looked up the card… and said … well in the last hour you just spent large amounts of money at this store and that store… and oh look… right now you’re making a purchase at Circuit City.
Your identity has been stolen… an imposter living your life.
Similarly, a few years ago, Chevone King-Lewis, a 23-year-old, single mom from Atlanta checked her credit report and found that someone had opened 25 credit cards, taken out loan, and filed for a marriage license in her name. In tracking down the culprit, she found out that it was a former coworker who stayed in her house. The person went through her possessions and had run up $37,000 in charges including a car.
She commented, “It’s scary knowing that someone else has been living my life.”
It’s scary to think that somebody else is living your life. But I see it all the time. I see people allowing others to live their lives for them. I watch teenagers do about anything and turn into anybody to find acceptance. I’ve seen children guilt-ridden by their parent’s unrealistic expectations striving to obtain their parent’s praise. I’ve seen marriages troubled because beneath the surface lies a desperate need to have another complete us…. to validate our lives with their approval or conformity.
Why do we allow this to happen? Why do we care so much about what other people think or say about us? Why do we end up in co-dependent relationships where we just need to be needed? It is b/c we’re looking for significance in our lives – we’re looking to find someone or something to fill the God-shaped void inside of us.
Note: So we spend our lives trying to cram the square peg of relationships w/ imperfect people into that round hole of our heart and our identity gets stolen and we end up letting someone else live our lives w/ absolute dominion over us.
> This isn’t what God intended for you and me when He breathed life into our beings. He never intended for us to relinquish the control of our lives over to someone else. He gave us life and He wants for us to be just who He created us to be.
Solomon was indeed one of the wisest men to have ever lives… as he grasped the grand deception… and what really matters. What is just as insightful is how this struggle played out… in his life and so many who followed… struggling with their dependency on winning others. Solomon himself… could never have enough women. His son David… with a heart so devoted to God… would face a fall when he felt that he needed one more woman to complete him. He would end up losing everything to gain Bathsheba.
Moses would reveal the same fundamental struggle. Raised in the Egyptian rulers home… knowing his own people the Hebrews who he truly belonged to were under slavery. He finally rises up and strikes down an Egyptian… but as he turns to now be affirmed and validated by his own people… they say “Look what trouble will now come… get away from us.” And he wanders off into the desert for 40 years before God can reclaim him on God’s terms… and restore his identity from the bitterness.
Then there is Samson….whose story we find in Judges chapter 16.
Samson was born to a barren mother as a gift of God and was appointed by God to restore and rule over the nation of Israel. God’s claim on his life was reflected in a Nazarite vow to never cut his hair and to always abide by the precepts of God.
Judges 16:4-5 (NIV)
“Some time later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah. 5 The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, "See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels of silver."
She makes several attempts to discover God’s gift so she can subdue him… but he won’t give away that which is sacred… he has a good sense of boundaries…. but finally she continues to say ‘if you really want me… want my love…. ‘ and he tells surrenders what sets him apart to her. We pick up in…
Judges 16:18-19 (NIV)
“When Delilah saw that he had told her everything, she sent word to the rulers of the Philistines, "Come back once more; he has told me everything." So the rulers of the Philistines returned with the silver in their hands. 19 Having put him to sleep on her lap, she called a man to shave off the seven braids of his hair, and so began to subdue him. And his strength left him.”
Like us, Samson didn’t think it SHOULD happen to him. After all, he was the appointed and anointed of God – impervious to identity theft – he could never get robbed by an earthly relationship. Samson didn’t think that it COULD happen to him. After all, he was one powerful man.. When the Lord was with him… he killed a lion with his bare hands; single-handedly took down 30 Philistines on one occasion. He didn’t think Delilah could trick him out of his secret – so he toyed with temptation.
How many of us today might also think we are above and beyond allowing others to define us?
The RESULTS of the Robbery … he is overtaken… and left bound, blind, and bitter.
So we see the pattern… he gave up his true identity for another… he was robbed by a relationship.
It’s a pattern of depending on others for approval… and then resenting the hurt when they fail us.
Those are the two sides of relational robbery.
Our misguided pursuit of love leads to…
1. A defining DEPENDENCY on the approval of others
• Depending on cracked pots to supply our deepest needs. … unconditional acceptance from
• looking out for what can only be found within… or beyond
• two tick with no dog… two bankrupt businessmen
the result?
> Disappointment… hurt… resentment… anger...
2. A controlling RESENTMENT for the hurt by others
We often try to hold another in contempt…. but it we who are left bound. Many of us know some point in which we have become defined by our bitterness.
(Personal Example) – A few years before becoming a part of the Westside Vineyard… I lived in Europe.. invited by some older married men to come serve as a pastor to youth and young adults. Great time… but at times hard to be in a pastoral role while being less connected to the others… as the only single one of this team. One day dumping out my feelings… resentments... to a friend who simply said… it sounds like you have a big chip on your shoulder. With those words I was instantly struck… that I had been living in a state of resentment for awhile… and it was controlling my life… and only I could get over it.
Job 5:2 (NLT)
“Surely resentment destroys the fool, and jealousy kills the simple.”
Jesus would address this among his first followers…
Peter – Jesus is trying to restore this disciple to his rightful and unique identity… one of love… which he does… but not before Peter say… ‘but what about him… referring to another disciple… to which Jesus responds… what does it matter to you… and get him focused on his calling.
That disciple happened to be John. What a profound difference… for how did John refer to himself?John -
John 21:20 (NIV)
“ the disciple whom Jesus loved…”
Wow… what difference would it make if that is how we referred to ourselves… simply as ‘the person who Jesus loves.?’ John knew the most essential answer to the question ‘Who am I?’
1 John 3:1 (NIV)
“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!”
John 1:12 (NIV)
“Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.”
In those words lies a great summary of what reclaiming our identity involves…
Believe + Receive = Become
Good news… is that just as we so easily give away our identity … so we can take it back…
On this 13th day of the new year… I want you to take a moment… hear the heart of God…
Isaiah 54:4-5 (NLT)
“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood. For your Creator will be your husband; the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth.
Psalms 32:10 (NIV)
“… the LORD’s unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.”
Psalms 68:5-6 (GW)
“The God who is in his holy dwelling place is the father of the fatherless and the defender of widows. God places lonely people in families.”
Psalms 130:7 (NLT)
“…with the Lord there is unfailing love. His redemption overflows.”
Proverbs 3:3 (NIV)
“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.”
Perhaps no words capture this more poetically than the apostle Paul’s…
Ephesians 3:16-19 (GW)
“…I’m asking God to give you a gift from the wealth of his glory. I pray that he would give you inner strength and power through his Spirit. Then Christ will live in you through faith. I also pray that love may be the ground into which you sink your roots and on which you have your foundation. This way, with all of God’s people you will be able to understand how wide, long, high, and deep his love is. You will know Christ’s love, which goes far beyond any knowledge. I am praying this so that you may be completely filled with God.”
Notice it is beyond mere knowledge of some propositional truth. The goal is to come to a place of deep and defining understanding… the word used means to penetrate deeply… and he goes on to say it is a love that is beyond any basic knowledge… beyond just propositional religion… it is about our deepest identity.
It’s about what we grasp within…
In September 1993, with the Major League Baseball season nearing its end, the first-place Philadelphia Phillies visited the second-place Montreal Expos. In the first game of the series, the home team Expos came to bat one inning trailing 7-4. Their first two batters reached base. The manager sent a pinch hitter to the plate, rookie Curtis Pride, who had never gotten a hit in the major leagues. Pride took his warm up swings, walked to the plate, and on the first pitch laced a double, scoring two runners.
The stadium thundered as 45,757 fans screamed their approval. The Expos third base coach called time, walked toward Pride, and told him to take off his batting helmet. What’s wrong with my helmet? wondered the rookie. Then, realizing what his coach meant, Pride tipped his cap to the appreciative fans.
After the game, someone asked Pride if he could hear the cheering. This person wasn’t giving the rookie a hard time. Curtis Pride is 95 percent deaf. "Here," Pride said, pointing to his heart. "I could hear it here."
Sometimes we hear things most strongly in our heart. Curtis Pride heard the fans’ approval in his heart. It’s in our hearts that God wants us to know His love. "The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children" (Rom. 8:16). (From Harry J. Heintz, Leadership-Vol 15, #2)
As we close I want to offer us an opportunity to take back our identities… especially when we have sold them to the approval of others. I invite you to join me in these affirmations…
• “I’m letting go of the approval I depend on certain people for.”
• “I’m letting go of the resentment I hold towards others… knowing it reflects that I have given others a defining role… I cancel that debt.”
• “I belong to God who loves me as His child”
(This message was drawn from Mike Breaux’s “Identity Theft” and others drawing upon it including Joseph Rogers)
