Intro –
Continuing in our series entitled ‘Restoring the Gift of Sexuality’… and today we are going to consider the sexuality of single adults.’
Some may think… “Well this will be a short message.”
Perhaps you think singleness and sexuality is an oxymoron.
But as you may recall from our first week in his series… as declared in the creation account of Genesis …we are all sexual beings…
When do we become sexual…? Not through the covenant of marriage… not the creating of life… but when we were first conceived and created… as male or female.
You will never be a more sexual person.
I like how Rob Bell’s wife answered their five year old son… when he asked, ’Mom, what does sexy mean?’ She thought about it for a second and then replied,
’Sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you.’ (Rob Bell, SexGod, p 46)
Now I realize that being fully sexual and fully engaged in sexual pleasure are not the same thing. There are very real longings that lie in the heart of those who are single.
Let me note that single adults are a growing and diverse group.
There are 100 million single and unmarried adults in the U.S. (some living alone, some living with partners, families, roommates, etc.)… and the percentage is the fastest growing demographic in the United States… now at between 40 to 50%. - U.S. Census Bureau, 2003
It’s important to recognize that in referring to single adults… we are considering a very diverse set of life stages and circumstances…
• Younger single adults struggling… but also looking for some good sense about decisions
• Those in 40, 50s, and older… faced with different levels of resolve... as well as resentments
• Those divorced… widowed… who face the unique dynamic of having experienced a significant season of life of sexual intimacy in marriage
• There are a rapidly growing number of single parents… including single fathers.
Let me also note the difficulty of addressing those who do not have something they desire… namely marital partner… as one who is married…
I can understand the resentments… in part because I was a single adult and even a single adult as a pastor of this church, until I was 30… and I wrestled with those resentments…sometimes it was hard to hear those who were married say anything about sexual wholeness. Part of the dynamic can be that when we really long to be married… ANYTHING that is said about not being married is hard to hear… we kind of appreciate the issue being openly talked about… but it also brings up the deeper resentments towards where we find ourselves.
My hope is that you will know that I can understand those feelings… and know that some feelings may become felt towards myself as a voice in this… and I can live with that. My hope is that by acknowledging that up front… we might also rise above the natural resentments… and even cynicism… and be able to hear not so much to what I have to say… but what God really has in mind.
PRAY – ‘God…give us ears to hear what you are saying… and eyes to se what you see.’
I’m going to invite us to hear from a very long section from the Scriptures… from the Apostle Paul’s words to the people of Corinth. Using a more contemporary paraphrase translation called The Message, I have edited down parts of the sixth and seventh chapters…
1 Corinthians 6:13-20 (MSG)
Since the Master honors you with a body, honor him with your body! 14 God honored the Master’s body by raising it from the grave. He’ll treat yours with the same resurrection power. 15 Until that time, remember that your bodies are created with the same dignity as the Master’s body. You wouldn’t take the Master’s body off to a whorehouse, would you? I should hope not. 16 There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." 17 Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." 18 There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. 19 Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. 20 God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.
1 Corinthians 7:1-2, 7-9, 29, 32-35, 38 (MSG)
1 Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? 2 Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder.
7 Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others. 8 I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. 9 But if they can’t manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single. 29 I do want to point out, friends, that time is of the essence. There is no time to waste, so don’t complicate your lives unnecessarily.
32 I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you’re unmarried, you’re free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. 33 Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, 34 leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. 35 I’m trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.
38 Marriage is spiritually and morally right and not inferior to singleness in any way, although as I indicated earlier, because of the times we live in, I do have pastoral reasons for encouraging singleness.
One of the surprising aspects of Paul’s words… is that he seems to portray a low view of marriage. Doesn’t he know that this is the book that would later be used to champion the family… and family values as perhaps the highest value of all? In truth these words reflect that in some sense the church The truth is that the American church… has lost its perspective on what the life that Jesus offers is all about. Too often the church community seems to have a mindset that suggests that marriage and family are a badge of maturity or success…even spiritual maturity or spiritual success.
> Paul sees life differently… he sees life as Jesus intended. For them, life is defined more by mission than marriage. The marriage partnership is an amazing reflection of covenant and mutual servant hood… but it is optional to a full life. They both seemed to support and appreciate marriage and family and children as much as others…. but they just didn’t live for that as an end in itself. They also never showed disdain for sexual desires… and were realistic about what might be involved in living a life of boundaries rather than indulgencing in one’s desires.
It may be helpful to offer a little background to appreciate what Paul is addressing…
Rather complicated background… with far more issues than we will draw from today.
But most notable is that Paul is bringing the humanizing message of God… revealed in Christ… to bear upon a culture that has some philosophy and even practice not so different than our own.
Corinth was considered the most immoral city in the region if not the world… and popular philosophy and understanding of the body was that it was bad… or at least meaningless to the higher life of soul and spirit… and while some then tried to rid themselves of all bodily desire…. the wilder side was to simply consider it free to be indulged without there being any significance. The idea was that it doesn’t matter what you do… and even that the less emotionally connected … the better. So men would proudly turn away from marriage and simply turn to the prostitute… and even publicly stimulate themselves… as a sign of being in control of their emotional connections.
> Not only was Paul bringing a new light to human relations… it was one which would prove superior… able to survive even as the pagan cultures fell in part to their self destruction.
As many note… western civilization emerged from the health of this new light…. awakened in many respects to the value of order and higher meaning… yet still vulnerable to an unresolved mix of sexual desires physical and relational nature.
There are some fascinating and perhaps frightening parallels that could be made between the philosophy that shaped the sexuality of ancient Corinth and that of our where our own culture is and is going as it moves away from it’s more Judeo-Christian foundations. But I just want to consider what we can hear from God through Paul’s counsel.
1. Sexual boundaries are rooted in the significance of the bonding of body and being (soul).
Paul calls us to look back to God’s original design and desire for sexuality as he quotes the words of the creation account in Genesis…that ‘the two shall become one flesh’ (2:24). Paul is rooting all that he is declaring in that original order.
“Our bodies and how we inhabit them point to the order of creation.” (Lauren Winner - Real Sex pp37-41)
All that Jesus teaches is rooted in the same.
I would summarize what is being said about sexual intimacy this way…
Sexual intimacy is a life uniting dynamic which by it’s nature is meant to be a part of the life long covenant of marriage. Sexual passion is the stimulating of a God-given longing within us for oneness; through the pleasure of releasing both personal and physical boundaries. Experiencing oneness without being one violates God’s design and will… and by nature our personhood.
Human culture… human lives… have generally always struggled to live within that reality.
What’s most notable for us here today… is that within just a few short years, much of western popular culture has come to deem such boundaries as archaic. (Even those who get into eastern spirituality usually choose to avoid any aspect that involves sexual abstinence.).
The assumption seems to be that it is just crazy to limit the physical desires of sex. It seems too unrealistic or at least too hard… so it must be a stupid idea from some past religious ignorance… probably just the result of some morally misguided control freaks who were uptight about pleasure.
We all know that such uptightness exists. How many cultures have accepted unspoken systems of concubines, mistresses, prostitutes, and geisha girls? How many priests have found to commit sexual abuse and pastors have been found to commit sexual adultery? There’s been plenty of unhealthy and dishonest repression so it’s only natural to assume that true freedom is to throw off inhibitions… or at least most of them.
Connecting sexual intimacy to marriage is made to seem ridiculous… something pre-modern… or pre-educated… yet what’s notable is that it is mostly only addressed through jokes rather than with any real reflection or thought.
The truth is that in finally deciding to try and toss repression aside… too little thought has been given to what sexual desire really is. We may be letting lose some of the more animal like instinct that people had denied… but are we just animals… are we really prepared to live as such? Have we given up n sexual boundaries just because we have found it hard to keep… or have we really found that giving them up is healthy?
There are some basic facts that speak for themselves…
• Maintaining sexual boundaries doesn’t deny any essential life sustaining need. (There is nothing harmful to human life without it.)
• Maintaining sexual boundaries upholds children being born to both mothers and fathers.
• Maintaining sexual boundaries protects from the spread of many diseases.
Paul focuses on a point even more fundamental… which is that…
• Maintaining such boundaries honors the nature of our souls… our deeper personhood. It. aligns erotic bonding with emotional bonding. Any honest consensus would recognize it has uniting force… and likely admit… an awkwardness and even emptiness without a real relationship that matches the level of commitment.
The truth is that physical intimacy can bring intensified intimacy where there is intimacy… but it brings emptiness where there is not.
To the degree that sexual intimacy is intended to bring the bonding of two lives… unless there is a true covenant counterpart… what is experienced may bring a pseudo bonding… but beneath the temporary pleasure lies a lack of the real connection and an emptiness that tries to be avoided.
VIDEO clips… of some who share their early experiences…
• Looking to Sex for Love (2:10)
• Using Sex to Replace Love (1:47)
• (Others not used but potential - Feeling Broken (2:42) A Father’s False Praise (1:50)
Sexual boundaries are rooted in the significance of the bonding of body and being (soul).
In the movie, Vanilla Sky. Tom Cruise plays David, a wealthy playboy, who finally ended a fling with a beautiful blonde he was never serious about. But the blonde can’t handle the break-up; her pursuit of Cruise borders on stalking. When she finally corners him, she utters real wisdom about sex; she is putting St. Paul in contemporary lingo: "Don’t you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not?"
Sex is never casual… even if we feel it is.
Lauren Winner
It is curious that contemporary Christians often insist that we will necessarily feel bad after premarital sex. Jesus understood that we pitiful human beings are often very out of touch with our sins. He makes the point in the parable of the prodigal son. The turning point of that story comes in Luke 15:17 (NRSV): the prodigal, Jesus tells us, "came to himself." Before this mo¬ment of turning, of awakening, the prodigal was not in himself at all. And we are often not in ourselves, not aware of our fallen state or the sins we cycle through.
“…casual sex is a contradiction in terms. Sex—even sex that does not feel intense or meaningful, even sex with someone you don’t love—is never truly casual. Lewis Smedes says sex involves two people in a life-union; it is a life-uniting act. This is what sex is, not necessarily what sex seems to be. It may seem casual, but in fact it is, always, profound. There is no such thing as casual sex, no matter how casual people are about it."
So even though "casual sex" is a contradiction in terms, it is certainly possible to have sex that seems casual, or feels casual.
Insisting that premarital sex will make you feel bad…is misstating the nature of sin and the nature of our fallen hearts. My experience of sex is not bad data, but it is incomplete. We … are, after a fashion, sleepwalkers going through our routines, eyes closed to real¬ity as it really is.
- Real Sex – the naked truth about chastity by Lauren F. Winner, pp87-90
Premarital Sex Is A Natural Creational Impulse… Unnaturally Expressed
“That people have sex outside marriage is understandable; we fornicate for the same reason we practice idolatry. Idolatry carries in it the seed of a good impulse—the impulse to worship our Maker. Idolatry is that good impulse wrongly directed to disastrous ends. Like idolatry, fornication is a wrong reflec¬tion of a right creational impulse. We were made for sex. And so premarital sex tells a partial truth; that’s why it resonates with something. But partial truths are destructive. They push us to created goods wrongly lived.” - Real Sex – the naked truth about chastity by Lauren F. Winner, p121
Premarital sex draws our attention in part because of the drama of instability
Sometimes premarital sex feels dramatic because, by defi¬nition, it is part of a relationship that is itself not wholly stable. Even when you’ve been dating someone for a year, the lack of permanence that fundamentally characterizes your relation¬ship can add a certain frisson to everything you do with that person, from going on a Saturday hike to smooching on the sofa. Everything in your relationship gets some of its charge from the uncertainty, the unknown: put negatively, it gets its charge from the instability; put more generously, it gets its charge from the possibility.
…it may be the twisted lesson it teaches us most convincingly: that sex …derives its thrill from instability and drama. In fact, the opposite is true: the dramas of married sex are smaller and more intimate, and indeed it is the stability of marriage that allows sex to be what it is.
- Real Sex – the naked truth about chastity by Lauren F. Winner
I suppose like everything else we can become so drawn up in the drama we become addicted to the rush and never find fulfillment. We accept what is sensational over what is substantial.
U.S. News & World Report
“The so-called "benefits" of premarital sex may be more wishful thinking than fact. Statistics demonstrate that cohabiting couples are 33% more likely to divorce than couples who don’t live together before marriage. Women who are virgins when they marry are far less likely to divorce than women who are not.” - U.S. News & World Report
-"Was it good for us?" by David Whitman. U.S. News & World Report, May 19, 1997 (Vol 122, No 19). Pages 56-59
Many have noted that women are giving men the sexual satisfaction that once came with commitment… and then wondering why men seem so satisfied not actually making commitments.
And the next stage seems to be more women just embracing the independence. Sexual freedom becomes a way of saying I can play that freedom game too. What strikes me is that what emerges is an increase in emptiness… loniliness… not just because of being unmarried… but of playing with intimacy. I just don’t think many little girls dream of the day they will be in the arms of a man who isn’t committed to them. So if as adults we carry on playing house but have to keep ending the game due to the reality that we’re still just playing roles… it’s likely to be deflating. This may be a part of why depression is rising among single adults and at twice the rate for women.
The Reformed tradition refers to such sexual boundaries as a ‘creational law’… because they are rooted in the very order of creation. As with any truly fundamental law… we never really break it… we just violate it… and it’s we who are broken in the process.
> I am confident of God’s design and desire despite what may challenge some of our own.
• To those who embrace and live by such boundaries… but may feel foolish because culture thinks it’s crazy… lift your heads.
• To those unconvinced… I hope that you’re at least willing to consider the issue more honestly. If this is an issue you wrestle with… and you are willing to really think about… I want to suggest a couple great books….
• To those who sense God’s desire… but have fallen… and feel convicted… God is glad you’ve come into agreement… and forgives.
2. Many will need to develop a life of sexual boundaries… especially if not particularly gifted in celibacy.
Many who are seeking to be faithful to what they know of God’s truth about sex… do so without feeling the gifting and call to celibacy. That means that they don’t have some special flow and favor in being single. Perhaps you are finding the grace… but it hasn’t been a simple choice.
This is especially true when one considers…
Our cultures gap… between coming into sexual desires (puberty) and the age in which marriage even is first likely to be considered has grown… so even more relevant.
Those with an allegiance to Christ choose an added challenge is placed in the process or potential of finding a life partner.
How can sexual boundaries really be maintained?
The process of developing boundaries lies not in just repressing desires … not some form of mental denial. Along with just being a silly way to live… it won’t prove helpful when the rally hard crossroads come.
Decide ahead not simply what is the ‘religiously’ or morally right rule … but what boundaries are good and ‘full-filling.’
“How far can I go..?’ reflects a limited level of thought. The better question to start with is “Who made me and how did they make me?’ and then consider ‘If we have not bound ourselves in lifelong covenant… how can we best maintain boundaries that guard us from becoming one?’
I’m not going to try and offer a simple list that will make it easy… but I do want to share some principles that I believe hold some significance…
1. Consider how the most basic distinction between affection and passion can be a guide.
Sexual activity may be defined as "stimulating a God-given longing within us for oneness; through the pleasure of releasing both personal and physical boundaries". The very nature of ‘passion’ is that of releasing boundaries. When we stir passions we are stirring that which by it’s nature is about letting go of boundaries… so it shouldn’t surprise us that to pursue becoming sexually passionate and then to try and enforce some arbitrary boundary is by nature going to be frustrating. It may well be that the most comfortable boundary between unmarried men and women exploring relationships is that of enjoying the affections of romance while refraining from uncontrolled passion which is by nature a draw towards experiencing ‘oneness.’
2. Consider how the appropriateness ‘public’ intimacy may be a fitting guide just as ‘private’ intimacy becomes appropriate in marriage.
Laura Winner explains the advice she and her fiancé were given when they asked about boundaries before marriage…
Griff’s friend Greg, a campus pastor at the University of Virginia, sized up the situ¬ation and gave us this piece of guidance: "Don’t do anything sexual that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing on the steps of the Rotunda." (This was not just practical instruction, but also wisdom: sex has a public dimension and a private dimension. Christians gain access to the private side at a wedding. The question for unmarried couples is not How far can we go? but How do we maintain the integrity of our sexual relationship, which at this point is only public?)
Griff and I took Greg’s words to heart. We even climbed up on the Rotunda’s steps one night, and kissed to our hearts’ content—and then said, "Well, that’s it, there’s our line. We don’t really feel comfortable stripping our clothes off up here in front of the Rotunda." And that became our mantra: on the steps of the Rotunda. It felt a little weird, at times, having our sexual boundaries on display before our friends. But in so doing, we were reminded that we were participating in a holy discipline, not making an individual choice. We were encouraged, even blessed. We were treated to accountability, and transparency, and good, honest conversation partners.
- Real Sex – the naked truth about chastity by Lauren F. Winner, pp103-110
3. Recognize the significance of the boundaries that are set before the tensions arise (i.e. at 5pm in our ‘quietly unsettled possibilities’ more than at 11pm on the couch.)
As I’ve reflected on my own struggles to maintain boundaries before marriage… as well as what so many have shared with me over the years… I’ve come to believe that when people find they were together on the couch late at night… having a glass of wine… and then ‘things just got out of control’… that the answer lies not in how you manage that moment as much as how we chose that moment far earlier… even if we just ever so consciously. chose to allow it as a possibility. The more important decision might have been made at 5pm… when in our minds we wondered what might happen… we welcomed the unknown… rather than settled it at a deep level. And in even allowing the possibility… we may have chosen the inevitable.
4. Recognize and guard against the false justifications that arise when you feel low… especially if feeling resentful or abandoned?
The simple truth is that whenever we feel low… we want to quickly escape. And so it’s usually the time when many of us will do things we wouldn’t normally do… things we have said we wouldn’t do. And part of the way we get there is by justifying that we don’t need to do what’s right if we feel we’ve been wronged. ‘If God isn’t going to take care of me… then I’ll take care of myself.’ Of course in reality we are just trying to justify ourselves and we end up in a much deeper position. … and we are always vulnerable to
Those are a few thoughts about maintaining boundaries. Let me conclude with afinal point that comes from Paul’s words…
3. As long as one is single, there is the opportunity to embrace the fullness of unmarried life through the more transcendent nature of spiritual identity, mission, and community
This is what we see in Jesus. This is what Paul invites others to share in.
Did they resign themselves to an unmarried life? Perhaps on some level… but what strikes me more is how they engaged life. Jesus and Paul lived with a deep sense of IDENTITY… PURPOSE… and COMMUNITY… all of which transcended marriage… and in fact to which they knew could be engaged even more intensely if not married.
This redefines the emptiness that so often tries to deflate the unmarried life…. and I might add…so often tries to deflate the life of those living in difficult marriages.
Identity – One thing that we can see in Jesus is that he related to people primarily as complete individuals. He know us each by name… as sons and daughters. And if there is any issue of marital status involved… it is that of being part of the ‘bride of Christ’… of being prepared to be united with him in the spiritual realm.
Purpose – Paul’s primary point is that life is not defined by marriage but mission.
Marriage provides partnership… but not purpose. Confusing the two has not only caused single adults to not recognize the fullness of life that can be embraced… but many marriages to be left in false expectations.
I believe that loneliness is hard… but meaninglessness is even deeper. Paul was filled with passion.
And part of the passion is that one stays in touch with the longing to be united … which is what we should all sense towards God…. a longing towards the future. (When we lose someone from this life… we naturally find comfort in seeing them again in the eternal realm… and rightly we should… Jesus told his disciples they would see each other again at a feast. But one thing he also said that may be hard for some of us to hear.. is that marriage does not appear to continue in heaven. The connection we hold so dear… either longing for or holding onto… will be transcended by a greater connection. Our greatest longing should be to unite with God… to be united with Him and all with Him… and that is a longing that single adults may be clearer about than any.)
Community - The qualities of intimacy a life-long partner can bring to one’s soul are unique in many ways but not all are exclusive to marriage. Many significant elements of love, intimacy, and connection can be developed outside marriage but by nature will require greater intentionality.
If you are a single adult… I don’t want to simplify and spiritualize some very real tensions you may face… but I do want to encourage you to appreciate the freedom… the potential you have in the mission… the same freedom that Jesus embraced… that Paul embraced.
CLOSING QUOTE -
Richard Rolheiser - The Holy Longing: The Search for A Christian Spirituality (Doubleday, 1999)
"Sexuality is not simply about finding a lover or even finding a friend. It’s about overcoming separateness by giving life and blessing it. Thus in its maturity, sexuality is about becoming like God—giving oneself over to community, friendship, family, service, creativity, humor, delight, and martyrdom so that, with God, we can help bring life into the world." "Having these depends on many things and not just on whether or not we sleep alone. One can have a lot of sex and still lack real love and community, just as one may be celibate and have these things in abundance…"
He says, "When you see a young mother, so beaming with delight at her own child that, for that moment, all selfishness within her has given way to the sheer job of seeing her child happy, you are seeing sexuality in its mature form."
"When you see an elderly nun who, never having slept with a man, never been married, or never given birth to a child, has through years of selfless service become a person whose very compassion gives her an obvious comfort with her femininity and she grins with a mischievous smile, you are seeing sexuality in maturity."
"When you see an elderly husband and wife who, after a half century of marriage, have made such peace with each other’s humanity that now they can quietly share a bowl of soup, content just to know that the other is there, you are seeing sexuality in full bloom."
Some further resources we have gathered for you… available in the bookstore:
o Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality by Rob Bell
o Sexual Character: Beyond Technique to Intimacy by Marva J. Dawn
o The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On by Dawn Eden
o Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity by Lauren F. Winner
Related to past topics…
o For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women by Shaunti Feldhahn
o For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn
o A Celebration of Sex: A Guide to Enjoying God’s Gift of Sexual Intimacy by Douglas Rosenau
o Pursuing Sexual Wholeness by Andrew Comiskey
