Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid. John 14:27 (NRSV)
There’s a great cartoon I once saw where the husband and wife are sitting in front of the marriage counselor. The wife is crying and the counselor asks – It all started when HE wanted to be in the wedding pictures?
Family turbulence is not new. The first recorded problem in the home-nest was Adam and Eve’s famous “blame game”. God said, “Adam; what have you done”? Adam replied, “She started it”. Eve defended, “The snake pushed me”! Adam and Eve’s children pushed the envelope further with Cain becoming the first murderer. Peace has been scarce ever since.
The Scriptures are full of explanation for why our homes are not a natural place of peace. Just a few:
Hatred Steals Peace (Genesis 27:41)
Esau hated his brother, Jacob. Jacob was the younger son and Daddy’s favorite. That was bad enough, but then Jacob manipulated Esau to steal his birthright as firstborn, and then conspired to steal his father’s blessing away from him. Esau hated his brother enough to kill him, but Jacob slipped out of town before he became another Able.
It’s hard to imagine hatred between Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty on that wedding day when they are united. The band is playing; they dance the first dance, eyes and smiles fixed on each other and the spotlight is fixed on the beautiful couple with all the admiring friends and family looking-on. Yet the statistic shows that more than half of all couples getting married today will divorce within ten years.
Envy Steals Peace (Genesis 37:4)
Joseph was a really sensitive and smart kid who was also his father’s pet. His eleven older brothers couldn’t stand dad’s favoritism; they envied his position. But when Joseph told them he’d dreamed they were all going to bow down to him – THAT was too much. They wanted to kill him, but the oldest brother, Reuben convinced them to sell him to a caravan of slave traders.
Envy – in our marriage? Gentlemen, have you never seen that look of frustration on your bride’s face when you come home from your work and she beat you there only because she raced to pick up the baby at daycare, ran through the grocery store and started dinner while she changed the baby and walked the dog.
Or ladies – have you never seen that look on your husband’s face when he’s just arrived home – late again – and you just managed to sit down for three minutes after doing the superwoman work/child/house routine all day? The look says, And just exactly what did you do all day sitting around like this?
Both looks are envy; and it eats a marriage alive!
Laziness Steals Peace
18Through indolence the rafters sag, and through slackness the house leaks. Ecclesiastes 10:18 (NASB)
Marriage is one of those structures that demand a good foundation and building. But even the best built structures fall apart if they’re not maintained. Good maintenance is a crucial factor in any long or happy marriage.
Solutions
As with most complicated relationships, problems or tasks there is an uncomplicated simple and wrong solution!
The solution that is uncomplicated, easy and most practiced today is to escape! It’s simple, quick and most times the worst possible solution for a marriage. If that marriage and family stuff is just too heavy – get out from underneath – leave.
Friends, once again I have to caution us all to remember that we are not here to judge anyone who has had to go through the dissolution of a marriage and family. Our purpose here is to support and strengthen, not point our fingers in judgment. For those who’ve tasted this bitter fruit of divorce, our friendship and listening ears must be open and caring. For those who are married or contemplating marriage our support is to caution, teach and uplift the Biblical principles of marriage.
Calling off the wedding vows is the escape clause. In reality it is the way many choose today to ease the pain. That there is pain in many relationships cannot be disputed. The counselors calendars are stuffed-full, standing-room only!
A movie I saw some years back was appropriately entitled “The War of the Roses” . Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas played a married couple, Mr. and Mrs. Rose. Their whirlwind romance and climb up the social ladder was just as picturesque as the Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty scenario.
Then reality came and they fought like two badgers with their tails tied together. Their struggle escalated into severe violence and they wind up causing each others’ deaths.
Now this movie is just that – a fictional piece of “entertainment”. However it depicts an important trend in human beings, to wit:
WHENEVER A RELATIONSHIP’S PAIN BECOMES ITS PRIMARY DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC WE WILL DO ALMOST ANYTHING TO RELIEVE THE PAIN.
Unfortunately, with divorce, the relief is quite temporary. More than a “tonic” it is a trade-off. The pain of relationship now becomes the pain of loneliness and regret. This leaves us with questions.
Is There Another Way?
If the pain is unbearable is there no way besides divorce? The one word answer is not simple, just definitive: YES; there is PEACE! Peace is the remedy for pain in relationships.
This peace is not simple; in fact it may be a whole lot more difficult than the path of divorce. Yet God says it is something that is available. What is problematic about peace is that it is completely unnatural for human beings. We prefer fighting and war, not peace. I only need remind you that the first worship service, the offering at the altar led to Able being murdered by his brother Cain.
Peace is not simple; so the pathway to it, which we will discuss is not simplistic, or a Yellow Brick Road for Dorothy and the Tin Man to skip along to Oz
War, fighting, struggle for dominance is the cause of all the pain we feel as human beings; it is that which separates us from each other. Peace is so far from us! We prefer to have things in hand, under lock and key, certified and accounted-for. But we cannot do that with peace. Peace is a condition that exists between at least two parties. That automatically infers that it is also dependant on more than one of those parties. Simply stated, peace is out of our hands, it must be given to us…and that is Jesus’ main point:
27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you….John 14:27a
So let me invite you to see what part we play in receiving this gift of peace which ends the destruction of relationships:
I. Knowing (what peace is and isn’t)
Jesus said that His peace was not like the world’s peace. In our human understanding (which you can get from Dr. Phil or Oprah any weekday afternoon) peace in the home is the picture of romance, smiles and fadeout to the bedroom. It’s where there are no problems or disagreements – we always do everything my way. Of course there is some talk of cooperation, but everyone knows that really means we do things my way!
Jesus’ kind of peace is quite different – and much better and exceedingly in the real world kind of practical. The world says “romance” Jesus says unselfish love – I won’t demand my way, I’ll do what’s best for you. This is the pathway to real peace.
Let me see a show of hands – how many wives would be really angry with a husband who does everything with blessing you as his main goal? How many of you husbands would move heaven and earth to please a wife who lives and breathes to see you honored and blessed? You’ve seen the commercial about contented cows? This is the beginning of contentment in the home; the pathway to perfect peace.
II. Kneeling (climbing down from the throne)
Humility is where prayer begins. This is so “against the grain” in our culture. Self-assertiveness, speaking-up, demanding your rights – these are the norms for today. You won’t see any humble “shrinking violets” on Jerry Springer, or divorce court.
The fact is it’s hard to be proud when you’re on your knees praying! But climbing down from the throne is required, because the one who prays cannot occupy the seat of the one who is in charge.
Here is God’s word to us through the apostle Peter:
…And all of you must clothe yourselves with humility in your dealings with one another, for “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” 1 Peter 5:5b (NRSVA)
And so two parts – knowing that real peace must be given, it is a gift, and it is given to those who would humble themselves…we come to the last part of the puzzle for finding peace in the home…
III. Knitting (a garment of peace stitch by stitch)
Here are three verses to put on your screensaver:
24Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 (NRSVA)
9Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mark 10:9 (NRSVA)
9Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that are given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9 (NRSVA)
I wonder if you are willing to be committed to these few principles
1. To be joined to your spouse – think of her or him as not just your partner, but bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh
2. To commit to this relationship without an escape clause.
3. To work on enjoying life together by lifting up the one you’re married to and thinking of her first. Making sure he knows he’s honored and loved.
This is the way to peace – it isn’t easy, nor is it simplistic. There will be bumps and bruises along the way.
I suggest you take a serious moment to have a cooperative family decision for peace in your home. Commit together in prayer to do things God’s way.
The promise for people who will follow Jesus is peace. It’s His gift – don’t be troubled or afraid – simply thank Him for it in faith.
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ENDNOTES
1] c.Twentieth Century Fox, 1989, Rated R (Language, mature themes)
