“During the marriage ceremony the two become one - on the honeymoon they discover which one.” – I quoted from guy who seems to be a deep-thinker. But I think this is rather the result of some personal frustrations, rather than a generic truth.
Maybe it’s the age I’m getting to, but I’ve noticed over the past couple of years that a number of my friends seem to be celebrating silver wedding anniversaries. I’m puzzled because I knew them young, and I know me young… Silver… I came across with a list: wedding anniversaries symbols:
1st Paper 2nd Cotton 3rd Glass 4th Linen, 5th Wood
6th Iron 7th Wool, 8th Bronze 9th Pottery, 10th Tin,
15th Crystal 20th China 25th Silver 30th Pearl 40th Jade
50th Gold 60th Diamond 70th Platinum
Last year someone from our church send us a card with the following words: ‘Love is ninety-nine percent persistence; you two are the most persistent people we know’.
I think it was on to something there. Obviously, I know that there are lots of conditions that complicate things.
But I also know that if you were to ask me what was the most important lesson I’d learned about marriage in my... ahem... years in the married state, I’d give you my answer with no hesitation at all: love is a choice, not a feeling.
Of course, there is a feeling we call ‘love’, and it’s a wonderful feeling, too. People write songs and poems about it; Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan star in movies about it, and it sells millions of dollars worth of magazines and paperback books and songs.
But I’ve noticed something: Yes, there are lots of songs about falling in love, and there are lots of songs about falling out of love, but there are not many songs about just being in love. With all the ups and downs of it with the point: how you make it last for life.
I think the reason there aren’t too many songs about how you make it last, is simple: in order to make it last, you have to go beyond love as a feeling. Go to love as a choice.
The truth is that the Christian understanding of ‘love’ is very different from the popular version, and this is illustrated by a subtle difference in the wording of the wedding vows Vera and Adelin will make to each other today.
In movies, when a couple get married (usually it happens in a Catholic Church – it’s more spectacular…), the words they say to each other are: “I do”.
“I do” is an answer to a question about your feelings: “Do you feel love for this person?” I do… Now, I don’t have to ask them that question today: I know they love each other! That’s why they’re here!
But all of us who have long-term marriages know that, sooner or later, the intensity of our feeling for each other begins to fade. When this happens, some people get terrified; they think their love for each other is dying.
This is the point at which many people bail out; “Pastor, I don’t love him/her any more”, they explain. Which means: I don’t have the same intense feeling for him/her that I had when we first fell in love…
So I obviously married the wrong person, and I need to get out as fast as possible and find the right person… Before I become too old and hormones saying goodbye to my body …
But the truth is that the declining of those high intensity feelings is normal; it doesn’t signal the end of a relationship, but rather the beginning of the next phase of the relationship. That next phase is about learning that love is a choice, is a decision.
This is signified by the promise Adelin and Vera will make to each other today, which is not “I do” but “I will”.
This is not a question about their feelings, but about choices. The word ‘love’ in the Bible very rarely refers to feelings; it usually refers to actions. To love someone in the Bible means to serve them, to bless them, to do good things for them, day in and day out, whether you feel like it or not.
And the good news about marriage that I want to share with you is that when couples make this choice, day in and day out, something deeper and far more lasting grows inside.
It’s different from the early feelings of romantic love that bring us together; it’s deeper, stronger, more steady – it’s the experience Jesus talks about in our Gospel for today when he says “The two shall become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5).
As a naturally selfish person I’d far rather be loved than love; I’d far rather be the main character in my own play than be a servant in someone else’s.
But if you take this promise seriously, it means that day in and day out, you will be constantly on the look-out for ways to do acts of kindness and compassion for your spouse – whether practical things like doing your fair share of the work, or relational things like being there to listen and care when the other one needs a sympathetic ear and an arm to support.
That’s what I signed up for when I said, “I will”. A good, lasting marriage is built on thousands of little decisions to say ‘no’ to my own selfishness and ‘yes’ to the decision to love.
Where does the strength to do this come from? Listen to these words again from our first reading, from the O.T. book of Ecclesiastes - 4:9-12 (use The Message - READ)
Threefold cord? What is he talking about? (Counting: one, two… and three?) .A boy-friend, a girl-friend a lover? … What is this ‘threefold cord’? It could be interpreted as referring to husband, wife, and Jesus.
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ILL. Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister in hysterics. She was crying, “Pastor, John and I had our first fight together! It was awful. What am I going to do?" The pastor, leaning back in his chair and shaking his head said, "Calm down, Joanna, this isn’t nearly as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight. It’s natural." "I know, I know," Joanna said impatiently. "But what am I going to do with the body?
There are a lot of myths connected with marriage, you know what a myth is, it’s something that’s not true. But it has been said so much that we are inclined to believe it. Letțs explore three of them briefly.
1. Here is one MITH – “whatever the fault of either the bride or groom, after the wedding everything will be all right.” Nothing could be farther from the truth. Do you know something?
Marriage doesn’t change anybody, and a wedding, like a baptism or a funeral does little more than merely announce the event and of course make it official. Weddings don’t make you love, Baptism don’t make you good and funerals don’t make you dead.
Something has to happen before the event. These rituals, marriage, baptism, funeral, are all important; God recommends the first two and certainly condones the last. Yes, something must happen before the marriage. A process named conversion.
CONVERSION - a word that mean “exchange, transfer, to adapt…”. A conversion must accompany both the marriage and the baptism if they are to be successful. And I also would suggest that you be sure a person is actually dead before you bring them to the funeral.
2. Another MYTH is that you can change him or her. That really is a myth, God and all His angels can’t change us – if He could, He would make the world good, 6 billion saints…And you think you can change him, or her?
Illustration. One of my distant relatives, a young man, came to me once and showed me four photos of four different girls. This was before Twitter and Facebook… He said:
- Man, I love all of them and I wish to have the power to combine them all in one. Cecilia – great body; Martha – a face like an angel; Rebecca – very smart college girl; and Esther – excellent cook and housekeeper… Tough choice – he said.
- And each one do you think you will marry finally? He said – I think Cecilia, she is the pretty one. I cannot change the others to look like her, great body like a professional model. But I can change her and it will be easier with her, for what I don’t like is inside, it’s not so obvious…
Poor guy… I feel sorry for him…
If you are marrying a Fixer upper and plan on doing a remodeling job on your spouse, let me warn you that you might have instead of a remodeled mansion, an up-side-down cottage on your hands for a looong time. Just remember: you are taking him or her as is, (whatever that means) and begin the journey together as individuals – one flesh, yet two different souls…
The best you can do is to pray that God will bring about circumstances in such a way that YOU may be open for a change, you, not looking that your partner should do and must to do it...
3. The last myth on my list is that marriage is BLISS. I looked up bliss in the dictionary and it said it was a state of “Exceedingly enjoyment” “Perfect Happiness” “Heavenly Joy”. This is a myth. Marriage may not be any of that. Most of the time it’s not.
Happiness is a gift from God and not a byproduct of a marriage bed. Happines is always related to His presence in our life, in your life, Adelin and Vera. Happiness I not related to the presence of money, of bigger plasma TV, newer furniture or…
I am reminded of the way the apostle Paul puts it in Philippians 4:11.He says “I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content”.
If you haven’t learned yet to be content and how to be content, then you have some studying to do. I’ve heard talk about marriages made in heaven and that he or she married the Right One. Let me tell you something, Marriage is of such a nature that whomever you marry it’s the right one after the wedding.
God has made no provisions for trial and error. We are expected to do it right the first time. …You have to say something a little later about “until death do us part”
First don’t let it cross your mind that you made a mistake after today. If you think you are making a mistake, now is the time to get out of it. That’s why most churches have doors up near the platform so either the Bride or the Groom can slip out quickly.
“Though Difficulties, Perplexities and Discouragements may arise, let neither husband or wife harbor the thought that their union is a mistake or a disappointment.” (Ellen White - MH 360)
In other words don’t even think about it. Don’t think about how you could have done better, but rather how you can be better. If your marriage gets off the track, don’t be thinking about blowing up the train, but rather how to get back on the track.
A flat tire is no excuse to buy a new car. Neither is a argument a reason to get a divorce. But so for many a divorce has been triggered by an argument. Change the tire, not the whole car. And change the tone of the voice, not the partener…
Let me state again now, at the end of this personal message to you Vera and Adelin, and to check you learn so far something from it. Love is an important ingredient of marriage.
And Love is:…Love, oh love... romance, thrills, emotions, sex... Waw... Love is a powerful emotion felt for another person manifesting itself in deep affection, devotion or sexual desire. Love is what?... Huh? A commitment! Never forget this word… COMMITMENT.
The apostle Paul describing this Love says: 1 Cor 13:4-8 (The Message) READ…Love never dies.
And again what Love is? An emotion? No, but a commitment. Love as commitment is cultivated by obedience and giving. We use to put in the wedding vows (remember ?), “Do you promise to Love, Cherish and Obey”.
Then the ministers got so many complaints, especially from the women, they didn’t like the obey part. So they took it out. But really the obey part is essential; I believe the marriage started falling apart and divorce rate began escalading, when the obedience thing stopped.
Trusting and Obeying is the secret of being happy in Jesus. (sing) Trust and Obey/There is no other way… The same in marriage. In fact obedience is the natural compliment to love. Jesus said, “If you love me, keep my commandments”. If you love me, be faithful to me to me only – the same in marriage…
ILL. Soon after Paul and Amanda were married, Paul stopped wearing his wedding band. "Why don’t you ever wear your ring?"-Amanda asked. "It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied. "I know," she said. "It’s supposed to."
BUT DON’T MISS THE POINT. All this obedience and giving doesn’t make the other one love you more, it just makes you love the other one more. Your heart follows your investment. “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also”. Invest time in her… Invest time and him. And patience, and all you have precious...
And both of you invest in Him (capital H), in Jesus, the Lord of the Marriage.
