The Languages of Love
John 15:34-35
We have entitled our series "Fireproof" from the awesome film on the circuit right now on relationships in general, and marriage in particular. We are focusing on relationships because we have realized that the river of fulfillment flows out of healthy relationships or it does not flow at all.
Last week we spoke together about Waffles and Spaghetti. We laughed about the fact that men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. Men think in boxes, one box at a time, and women are like spaghetti, winding their way through life making many, many emotional connections as they go.
[Claret interrupts me speaking Spanish and I answer in Afrikaans]
How many of you could follow all of that conversation? Nobody! Why? Because one of more of the languages we spoke were foreign languages to you - you could not understand them. Is it not true that no matter how kind the words that are spoken, no matter how beneficial the advice that is given, no matter how deep the love that is expressed, if you cannot understand the language that is being spoken you will probably completely miss or even misunderstand the message that is being given?
Now - have you ever considered that there may be different love-languages - and that you may be speaking very passionately to your spouse or child or parent or friend and may be saying, "I love, you, I love you, I love, I love," but they may be completely missing or even misunderstanding what you are saying because they speak a different love language to you?
Gary Chapman has written a profound book exploring this concept entitled "The Five Love Languages" and that is what I want to talk with you about this morning - "The Languages of Love." I have be using him rather extensively in my research and study this week.
In John 13:34-35 Jesus made this profound statement that we all know. He said, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
Why is that command so important? Because core to our sense of happiness in life is the basic need to be loved - and the only place where love can possibly be experienced is in the context of relationships.
So think about it with me if you will. No matter how much I tell you ‘I love you, I love you, I love you’ if you do not understand what I am saying, you may not even know that you are loved at all. And that is one of the most common problems in relationships. Couples, though they are loved deeply, may feel isolated, alone, unloved and that their love is rejected simply because they are speaking in a love language their partner does not understand.
Because opposites attract most people marry somebody who speaks a different love language to the one they do, and that marriage is inevitably in danger of producing two people who have no idea how much they are actually loved. Why? Because we naturally love others not the way they want to be loved but the way we want to be loved - but it does not mean to them what it means to us.
There are millions of marriages that end every year, due to isolation - and many a time isolation started simply because they did not understand the other person’s love language.
And legal offices become the over populated graveyards of marriage, and the first ‘Valentine’s card is simply the start of a paper trail that leads to divorce. What happened? We did not understand love, and we did not understand the languages of love.
You see, I believe that the deepest human need is the need is to be spoken to consistently in their love language.
May I say that again? The deepest human need is the need to be spoken to consistently in their love language.
So what are The Five Love Languages? Good question, I am glad you asked.
1. Words of Affirmation
1 Cor 8:1 "love edifies" - To build up with words.
Eph. 4:29 "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear."
Mark Twain once said, "I could live for 2 months on a good complement."
For many people the difference between feeling loved and not feeling loved is simply words of affirmation. To ‘affirm’ something literally means to confirm its truth and to strengthen it. Solomon wrote; "The tongue has the power of life and death." Many couples have never learned or realized the tremendous power of verbally affirming – that is strengthening each other with words.
"Thank-you - you did a great job" or
I appreciate the way you look" or
"Boy, you look great today" all mean simply this - ‘I love you.’
2. Receiving Gifts
Eph. 5: 25 - "as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for it."
For some people, if you want to say, "I love you," say so with a gift in your hands. To them, a gift is something that they can hold and say, "Look, he was thinking of me," or "She remembered me." They are expressions of love that shine light in an otherwise dark and lonely world. They understand that gifts are expressions of love because they know that when a friend gives a gift, with it always comes a part of that friends life.
It could be as simple as a flower from the garden, or the neighbors garden - but if you want to tell them you love them, do so with a gift.
3. Acts of Service
Luke 22:27 "But I am among you as the one who serves."
Acts of service are the things people do to serve one another, to attend to a need, to assist with a chore. For these people, the richest and sweetest expressions of love are found in service.
And let’s face it, life is filled with opportunities to serve - and as these good folks will tell you, actions speak louder than words.
If Acts of Service is my Love Language – then I will show my love for others by wanting to DO things for them – anyone, anywhere, anytime. And if you do something for me – I will interpret that as a real act of love for me!
4. Quality Time
Mark 3:13-14 "And He went up on the mountain and summoned those whom He Himself wanted, and they came to Him. And He appointed twelve, so that they would be with Him."
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing your energy on the other person. Talking to somebody while watching TV, working on your computer or reading the newspaper is not quality. Quality time is about being present - and how many of you know there is more to being present than being there?
When dating couples go to a restaurant, they look into each others eyes and spend quality time together. Not so most married couples - when they go to a restaurant, it is normally simply to eat food.
You see, quality time is about engaging, about being a sympathetic listener, about sharing your life with another.
Many people feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing things that they love to do. Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a conversation or pursuing a hobby together, quality time is a love that gives one of the most precious resources you have intentionally and meaningfully - your time.
5. Physical Touch
Matthew 8:14-15 "When Jesus came into Peter’s home, He saw his mother-in-law lying sick in bed with a fever. He touched her hand, and the fever left her; and she got up and waited on Him."
It’s been rumored a person needs 7 hugs a day to stay healthy. We have long known that physical touch is a powerful way of communicating emotional love.
Many people feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from others. While for a married couple one of the most precious expressions of this is intimacy, the power of touch is something we all need.
Now we do need to be careful because men generally receive more when they are touched than women do, and generally mean more when they touch them women do. But there is something precious about touch used wisely and lovingly.
I love this quote: Whatever there is of you resides in your body. To touch your body is to touch you.
To touch a person is to in essence affect who they are and make contact with their soul. Real love doesn’t take advantage or use force. It is gentle, appropriate, and it waits for the right time and place to be expressed.
Now those are the Five Love Languages. Words of Affirmation, Receiving of Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality time and Physical Touch. While we all need to be loved in each one of these five love languages, we all have a primary language - and possible a secondary one that we default to and that is most meaningful to us when expressed. Each one of us have needs in all 5 areas - but we have a primary love language that we speak more deeply than the others.
What if my spouse’s love language does not come naturally? Learn it! It is as simple as that - learn it! If you love your spouse, learn it!
Now watch this - when we choose to love another - we choose to love them in a way that meets their needs and touches their lives. In other words, we choose to speak their language - and be there no matter what happens.
In the West we do not really understand that very clearly do we? It seems that we fall in and out of love, and then in and out of love again. Then we start it again.
If you are not sure about it then simply turn on the radio. 1 in 10 love songs will tell the story of divorce, 4 in 5 country songs will as well.
And I think the reason we fall in and out of love is because we have misunderstood love.
May I talk with us for a while on that? It is important that we understand the Process of Love.
We meet people throughout our lives - people we have never met before, or people we do not know very well. Now sometimes, when you meet somebody, you feel a warm feeling inside of you - a ‘you-are-a-really-nice- person’ type of feeling. Chapman, in The Five Love Languages, calls that the ‘Tingles.’ The Righteous Brothers sang about ‘that lovin’ feeling’ - that’s the Tingles - not something you look for, not something you choose and not something that is wrong.
That probably happened when you met your spouse. So we ask the person that gave us the Tingles on a date. Why? Well because we liked the Tingles and wanted to feel that feeling again. And if they felt the Tingles as well, they probably accepted the offer, and if not they told us to get lost, and the Tingles went as well. But if the date goes well, that Tingles feeling gets even more exciting. It get bigger and bigger - and it is not long before we go from Tingles to Obsession. During Obsession we see only the good in the person we are ‘sessing about. Your friends can see what you cannot. Your mother can see what you cannot. "Honey, do you not think you should find somebody who has at least had a job in the last four years?"
"Oh Mom, give him a break. It is hard to get a job, and I don’t mind working, and besides, you are just jealous because he really loves me."
During obsession you cannot see the flaws in the obsessee. Your friends can see it, but you cannot. Dating is not designed to help people get to know each other. It is designed to deceive people into believing in each other. Sorry folks - that’s just the way it is.
That is why how most couples I marry, even if they have been dating for an extended period of time, get married on the Tingles. They do not love each other - they simply Tingle each other. What they are really saying to me is that this person makes me feel so good about myself I would like them to spend the rest of their lives around me making me feel this good.
But there is the problem. The Tingles, for a married couple, only last 18 to 36 months - then it dies. Tingles do not have a very long shelf-life. If you follow the Tingles you could get married between 12 and 20 time in your lifetime. Now hear me, the Tingles are not a sin, or a deception, or some nasty trick of the devil. They are put there by God. But do not think the Tingles is the same as love - or else when you lose the Tingles you will think you have lost your love.
Because here is the problem - you can get the Tingles even after you are married with somebody else. Oh my!
You did not mean to. You simply lost the Tingles at home many years ago, went to work at 8.30 and headed out to the coffee pot and some girl looked at you as she was getting coffee and said the most profound words you had ever heard. She said, ‘Good morning.’ And you stopped what you were doing and looked up in disbelief that somebody who you had never met could connect with you so well. You went back to your desk and all you thought about was your little coffee pot rendezvous.
The next morning guess what you did when you got to work? That’s right - at 8.30 you went to the coffee pot - and guess what, she was their again - and she looked as excited to see you as you were to see her. And again she uttered those profound words, this time smiling a little more broadly, ‘Good morning."
And this went on for a few mornings, and it was not long before you were sharing your life-story with her, and she hers with you - and the connection was full of life and it was exciting. Within a very short time your Tingles turned to Obsession. You mind was always on her - and you felt guilty because you were married but you told yourself it was alright. The next thing you knew you had committing emotional adultery - you had secretly given her your heart, and you had committed mental adultery. You may have been intimate with your wife but that is not where you were in your mind.
A few more coffees, a few more lunches, and a few more excuses to find the true Tingles that you no longer found at home.
Though the "Tingles" experience is exciting, it is short-lived and largely self-centered. The Tingles are not love. The Bible does not say, "For God so Tingled the world." Love that truly contributes to our spouse’s emotional well-being is based on specific understanding, intentional choices and sacrificial commitment. Without these things, love will never go where it can and where it should.
So what is one to do with the Tingles?
Well, the easiest way to handle the Tingles when you are married is the first morning at the coffee pot. That’s right - you swear off coffee as long as she is still in the company. You simply do not drink coffee anymore. Why? Because you cannot help the Tingles, but you can decide whether to feed the Tingles or not. If you feed the Tingles they always evolve into Obsession - and when your are ‘sessing about someone you will deceive yourself into believing they were meant for you.
Deal with it on day one at the coffee pot. You will be glad to know that in the history of the free world, nobody every died from dealing with the Tingles. However, many have died who did not.
So what is the alternative. Here is how it is meant to work in your marriage. You go from Tingles to Obsession to Covenant Love with the person you are married to. What is Covenant Love?
Covenant Love is the choice I make to love my spouse intentionally and consistently for the rest of ours lives in the language that my spouse speaks. It says, ‘no matter what happens, I choose to love you.’ It is a life-long commitment - not simply a contract - but a covenant.
You see, our love tank is full and our marriages rich when we have been spoken to consistently in our love language. Covenant Love is a covenant I make to spend the rest of my life filling your love tank. And when two people make that covenant with each other - it is a powerful and most beautiful thing.
Covenant Love even has the power to rekindle the Tingles, that ‘old lovin’ feelin’ the Righteous Brothers sang about.
And when you feel loved by your spouse in your own love language, when two people covenant to spend the rest of their lives filling each other’s love tanks - and when God is at the center of that, you have the strongest recipe for a life that is full, and meaningful and amazingly satisfying.
So what are we calling for this morning?
Firstly, I am calling for an intentional and deliberate commitment to love your spouse with Covenant Love - to spend the rest of your life filling your partner’s love tank.
Secondly, am calling for a commitment to understand and speak the love language of the partners, our family, and the other significant people in our lives.
How do I know what my or my spouse or my family’s love language is? Good question - I have a simple test that is being handed out right now that will tell you what your love language is.
Also, I have sheets printed with ideas on how you can speak the love language that your partner speaks. Ricky helped compile these sheets - they list some practical ideas for you to pursue in order to speak the love language of the person you want to speak love to.
The test and the sheets are also posted on the web page at www.hispeople.ws for your ease of access.
Stand up with me if you will - and let’s pray together as we wrap it up this morning.
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