Mt. 18.15-17 “Family Feud”
One of the things I know about families is that at some point there will be an issue upon which they can not agree. These are called fights. My wife and I have had some. I know you find that hard to believe as wonderful as she is and as nearly perfect as I am, however, it’s true. My wife and I have sometimes had periods in our marriage where we have disagreed about something and unable to resolve the issue, it has risen to a level of disagreement that could be considered a fight. Now this doesn’t happen very often, mainly because I know the two words that keep my wife happy and keep me out of fights, and they are these “yes dear.”
But every once in a while, I can’t bring myself to say these words and even though I’m certain I’m probably wrong and she’s certain I’m wrong, we have a disagreement. And I know that in this way, we aren’t alone. You have had them too, in your family. Times when you have fought. You were wrong. And she knew you were wrong, but you couldn’t help yourself.
Every family experiences disagreements. Every family comes to a bump in the road where each member thinks that they are right and those around them are wrong and no matter how much they try to win everyone over to their way of thinking, everyone else is convinced that they are just as right. This happens in functional families just like it happens in dysfunctional families. Every family has fights. And just like our individual families, churches have disagreements, fights. Times in which people don’t agree on an issue and hard as they may try, they can’t resolve the issue.
At the first board meeting I had here, I shared with the board members that when these times occur, when there are issues that arise here at our church because of disagreements, and the sparks begin to fly and a little fire gets started, they carry two buckets. Leaders always carry two buckets. In the first bucket is gasoline and in the second bucket is water. It will be up to them to choose which bucket they will throw on the fire. One will put the fire out and of course, the other will cause the fire to increase. And I want to say to everyone here this morning, this is true for you as well. You always have an option as to what you will do when a fire comes your way. Either put it out or add to it. And my prayer is that you will choose to put it out.
You see, satan does not want our church to be effective or functional. The enemy does not want our church to be evangelistic, or to be free in our worship, or to be reaching out to others, or for individuals to use their spiritual gifts. The enemy can’t stand to see a church growing and introducing people to Jesus Christ. And so at every chance he has, he will stir up trouble. He will use his abilities to cause the church to fight and to destroy each other and occasionally even good well meaning Christians become tools in the hands of the enemy. And every aspect of what we have talked about during this series is anti-satan. When we resolve to make this our family, our church and when we worship and give praise to God, not focused on what kind of music or what kind of ceremony or what color the carpet is, or the hymns, or whether the words are on the wall or in a book, whether we sing all six verses of the hymn or we sing all six words of the chorus seven times, when we reach out to our friends and family, when we use our spiritual gifts to serve in the church, God blesses the church and causes the church to be a blessing to the world. And the enemy can’t stand this. The enemy hates God and hates the church. The enemy desires to destroy the church and what God wishes to do with it. But we have this promise, the gates of hell will not prevail against the church. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Lord of the Church, said that.
But sometimes even though this is true, even though we have this promise, just like a family, we have issues that arise. The devil is a liar and the scripture tells us that he seeks to devour and if we aren’t careful and attentive, we can be caught in his traps and we can be used by him to negatively impact the work of the church and the attempts to redeem the world.
One church I heard of had people in it that the enemy was able to use so much so that when the various pastors would go calling in the community, the people, the unsaved would say, “I can’t go there. Do you know what kinds of people go to that church and claim to be Christian?" You see, even the world has an understanding of what the church ought to look like, of how people who call themselves Christians ought to behave. Whether you like it or not, people are watching you. They want to know if you truly believe what you say or if those are just words.
And so, this morning, we need to understand that in the midst of these inevitable disagreements, there is a right and a wrong way to handle a family feud. There is a functional and a dysfunctional way of handling disagreements, of dealing with the fights that occur in churches. While I don’t think I need to be too descriptive here about the wrong way, let’s think about this a little bit. One of the wrong ways to handle a fight is to go to everyone to talk about it. You have a conflict with someone but rather than going to them, you talk to everyone else. You build an army of people who agree with you and see things your way even though they don’t have the whole story. They only have your side. But that isn’t the way we are to handle these sorts of problems at all. Jesus told His disciples in Matthew 18.15-17 how to handle conflict and we can use this as a method for dealing with conflict in the church. Let’s read this text together today. [Read text].
Here we have a three step process for handling conflict in the church. Jesus says, if you have been offended, if your brother or sister is doing something that offends you, go to them and share with them the offense.
Now, let’s be honest. This first step is difficult. Most of us find it easier to go to a friend and complain about the source of our offense than to go to the one who has offended us and tell them about it. However, if we are to be obedient to Christ’s plan for conflict resolution, if we are going to put water on the fire, if we are going to deal with situations in a way that causes the world to look twice at the church in a positive way, if we are going to do something that causes the enemy to grimace, it must be that we need to do what Christ said and when we have a problem with our brother or our sister, approach them in Christian love and say, “you know, I want to talk to you about that.” We have to confront our brother or sister, not complain to our friend. Not have a gossip session about what so and so did to us because he or she should have known better and can you believe that’s what they did or that’s what they said and if they were a real Christian they wouldn’t have behaved like that, they wouldn’t have talked to me like that. If they were real Christians, they should be able to hear me talking to you right now on the phone, get in their car and drive the three miles over to my house to tell me how sorry they are. That’s what I say.
Jesus says, If your brother has offended you, let him know. If you sister has offended you, let her know. That’s step one.
Now, I have to tell you that I believe that if we take this most difficult step of confronting individually those who have offended us, we would have the problem resolved in ten or fifteen minutes. It is my contention that most offenses are mistakes or unclarified statements that were misunderstood. I said something, and you didn’t quite understand what I said, but rather than just asking me, “is this what you said? Or "Is this what you meant?” You’ve gone home and begun to think and stew about it and before you know it you are so hot, you could cook a can of soup in your own bare hands because you know that they were trying to be snotty or offensive or arrogant or whatever. And if you had just simply come to me and said, “is this what you meant?” I could have said yes or no and explained further what I was trying to say. And you could have gone home and had a nice lunch and a good nap and known that all was well between us because you understood what I was trying to say and it didn’t upset or offend you.
However, Jesus also knows that at times, we will be offended by someone else. We will be upset by some comments that someone makes. I had a friend who was pastor and during one of their events, the men of the church began making racial comments. Not knowing what to say, he changed the subject to something else. But what had been said was offensive. And it upset my friend. Now it could be that my friend could have gone to those guys and said, “you know, I’m truly offended by the comments you made. They were racial, didn’t sound very Christian and even when you tried to not be, you are so hardcore about this, that your words betrayed your real belief.” And the person to whom my friend spoke could have said, “well, you just don’t understand. That’s what those kinds of people are like. I was just being honest.” And without any apology at all, could have justified their behavior. Now maybe that sounds simple but it can happen all the time. People who rather than apologize for being offensive, simply say, "that’s your problem." and who act as though it’s your fault that you have been offended. Now I hope that doesn’t happen often, if at all, but I’m not naive enough to think that it would never happen and neither was Jesus.
Jesus says, if something like this happens, take two more people with you as witnesses. Not so they can back you up and say to the guy, “you were really offensive and I don’t know how you can live with yourself.” But when the guy denies his statement was that offensive, they can come along side and say, “we heard you. We believe you made that comment because that’s what you really believe and while you may believe it, we would rather you not state it. We would rather you keep comments like that to yourself. Or whatever the case is. Take two witnesses with you so that they can say to the offender without taking sides, what you did was wrong and you need to deal with it.
And then finally, Jesus says that if the person won’t apologize, that he or she is to be presented before the entire church. Now, understand that this is the case if there is truly an offense and not just because some minor incident took place. For instance, a couple of Sunday nights ago, someone after board meeting burned rubber as they went speeding out of the church parking lot and I’m really offended by that. That really hurt my feelings and I want them to be presented before the church. That’s not the kind of offense we are talking about here and that’s probably not the sort of offense that someone would allow to go this far. The kind of offense that Jesus is talking about here is a moral issue. That what the person is doing has ramifications on their spiritual walk and the walk of others. This kind of issue is what a pastor friend of mine calls a “heaven or hell issue”. Is what your problem is with someone a matter of taste, or opinion? Or is it a heaven and hell issue? Only the issues of eternal significance need to be brought before the church. Otherwise, let someone know your feelings and then let it go. Please, let it go.
So how does a functional family deal with family feuds? First, recognize disagreements do happen. Second, be aware that what offends you may not offend someone else. Third, if someone does offend you, go to them directly. Speak to them one on one. Fourth, after speaking to them, determine whether the issue is one of personal taste or if it is an eternal issue. If it is simply personal taste and the two of you continue to disagree, agree to disagree. Don’t allow personal preference to become a dividing wedge in the family of God. Allow each one their personal preference until God convicts you or them one way or the other. And fifth, if it is a heaven or hell issue, that is, it will determine their eternal destination, follow the steps that Jesus Christ laid out.
This morning, like the board, I carry two buckets, one has water, one has gasoline. I hope and pray that for as long as I pastor here, even though there will be disagreements and bumps in the road. Even though our family will feud, that I will never have to use either one of my buckets, because you will be mature enough Christians to handle conflict in a Biblical manner. There will be disagreements but let’s agree now, to treat each other as we would want to be treated, and to confront our brothers and sisters instead of talking about them behind their backs. Will you agree with me? Will you commit yourselves to handling conflict in a scriptural and Christian manner?
