Surviving Marriage
(ALL illustrations come from Sermon Central and scripture is NIV unless oherwise noted)
It seems with the completion of Revival and the series of sermons I preached on Building a Better Body, that we should stay on the roll. However, this is Valentine’s weekend and after next week I will be on vacation for the first weekend in March, Bob will be preaching in my absence. When I start back March 8th, we will start another series entitled “When We Move Out, God Moves In” all about giving God room to work in our lives and our church.
This is a romantic weekend, designed to bring us to a place of cherishing our marriages. And I can honestly say that Americans truly believe in marriage. According to statistics 96% of Americans will marry at some point in their lives. Sadly, well over half of those people will divorce, but 80% of divorced Americans will re-marry. This indicates that we truly believe in marriage, and we should for it has been ordained by our Creator. Matt 19:4-6 "Haven’t you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator ’made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ’For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
But after the years go by, the spark that was there in the beginning sometimes has ALL but disappeared. The fact is that marriage is a lot of work and many people enter into it thinking that it will be easy, BUT time shows us otherwise.
A woman took her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious infection." The husband, who was hard of hearing said, "What did he say?" His wife said, "He says your sick". The doctor went on. "But there is hope. You just need to reduce his stress. Each morning, give him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, nice, and kind. For lunch and dinner make him his favorite meal. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. Don’t yell at him or argue with him. And most importantly...just cater to your husband’s every whim. If you can do this for your husband for the next 6 months to a year, I think your husband will have a complete recovery." The husband said, "What did he say?" His wife said, "He says, You’re going to die".
Now, I want to make it perfectly clear that I am NO expert on marriage, if not for the grace of God, and the tolerance of my wife of 15 years, who knows where I would be today. I say that as someone forgiven by the Grace of our amazing God for divorce in my fleshy life, and now happily married as a Christian. I speak today using the Word of God to speak on the subject of marriage, I speak as one of authority ONLY because God has not only ordained this institution in His Word, but He gives us instruction as well. If you have your Bible turn with me to Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: 10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
I would like to make a few suggestions about marriage this morning. Some for the ladies and some for the men. I am not going to stand up here and preach about how the wife should be submissive to the husband, although the scripture is clear on this point. The scripture is also very clear that a submissive wife needs to have a husband that would lay down his life for her as Christ gave his life for the church. NO, this sermon is much lighter than that, it is simply using some of God’s Word to show us that there are things we can do to make things better in our marriage.
Now I am going to rotate between suggestions to the woman and suggestions to the men, we will start with the ladies.
LADIES: There is NO such thing as a PERFECT marriage! The Bible tells us that ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. US men, are not perfect, we will not do as you Ladies hope we will, and I say this because many of the women I have counseled tell me of how they dreamed of being married to their Prince Charming. Then they find out that they are not so CHARMING after all.
Panel of Women debated on what they thought was a perfect man, a guy who was ‘with it’. You would have thought they would have decided upon some actor or athlete even a wealthy tycoon. They decided that the perfect man was MR POTATO HEAD. 4 Reasons: ‘He’s tan, he’s cute, he knows the importance of accessorizing, and if he looks at another girl you can rearrange his face.
You can grow a good marriage if you are willing to work at it from both sides, BUT no marriage is perfect and we have to accept that if God still loves us in spite of our transgressions and short-comings, we must learn to do the same.
MEN, our turn and the first one that comes to mind is simply this:
Don’t feel like you have to solve every problem. The book of James tells us James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak . . . . .
One of the biggest complaints I have heard from women, (my wife included) is that they want us to just listen, not fix it (necessarily) Now I say this, tongue in cheek because there are times that they do want us to fix it, but if we take time to listen we might know better what exactly they are looking for us to do. Now, our small group is doing a series of DVD’s on marriage, and it is tempting to share some of the things that the speaker shared with us about how men and women are wired. However, God designed men to fix things, but women are not necessarily telling us that we need to fix things, but that they would like us to listen to them, to actually stop what we are doing and listen to what they have to say.
Good listening is like tuning in a radio station. For good results, you can listen to only one station at a time. Trying to listen to my wife while looking over an office report is like trying to receive two radio stations at the same time. I end up with distortion and frustration. Listening requires a choice of where I place my attention. To tune into my partner, I must first choose to put away all that will divide my attention. That might mean laying down the newspaper, moving away from the dishes in the sink, putting down the book I’m reading, setting aside my projects.
If for no other reason, it shows respect and love when you stop what you are doing and listen to the other.
This one is for both the husband and the wife, and that is, this suggestion is for ALL Christians, REMAIN HUMBLE.
[The Point: The best way to work on a marriage is to work on yourself.] On their first visit to a marriage counselor, a couple kept blaming the other person for the troubled relationship. So, to help them focus on their own flaws, the counselor asked each of them, "What have you personally done that has contributed to your marriage problems?" The wife said, "For me, it was getting angry, being prideful, growing impatient, and maybe showing jealousy.’ The husband said, "For me, it was marrying HER."
The scripture is clear about this as well, telling us EPH 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. I think of how many marriages lack humility on both sides, they seem to be at war with one another instead of working together as one. The Lord our God designed marriage to be a team sport. AND as amazing as this scripture is, I have heard of people using this scripture to humble their spouse and try to take control of the marriage. One pastor put it this way: just the other day a mild mannered young man came into my office ready for a divorce. He complained that his bride was so bossy that she was driving him off the wall. He wanted things to change, immediately. I told him that he needed to build his self-esteem and that this would take time. Then I gave him a book on assertiveness. He was so desperate to change things that he read The whole book on the way home. By the time he reached his house he had read the whole book. Determined to be a victim no more, he stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that ¡°I¡± am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and to finish the meal you will have baked for me a fabulous dessert. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair ...." "The funeral director," said his wife.
Humility from both sides is so important in a marriage, if we as Christians worried more about serving one another and less about being served by others the world would be such a great place.
Another thing I think every spouse should understand and this applies both to men and women as well, WE WILL NOT CHANGE OUR SPOUSE. Now we can change ourselves, BUT we are not going to change our spouse. Now it has been said that women enter into a marriage thinking they will change their spouse, and men enter into a marriage hoping that their spouse will not change at all, they like the way the woman acts during the dating or courtship period.
The bride was very nervous. It was right before the wedding and she wasn’t sure she could even walk down aisle. So her father gave her some words of wisdom. He said to her. “There’s only three things you need to focus on. If you focus on these three things, you’ll be fine. The first is walking down the aisle. Just focus on walking down the aisle of the church. I know it’s rather long, but just concentrate on that. Don’t get caught up with those on either side of the aisle. Just focus on getting to the end of the aisle. Next, focus on the altar. It is your destination today. Make your way down the aisle to the altar. There you will stand before God with the man you love and will make vows to God and him. Focus on the altar –for the altar represents the love God has for you in Jesus Christ. Lastly, focus on the hymn just before signing of the Register. In poetry and song, the hymn embodies God’s love for you in Christ, your love for your husband and his love for you. So, to help you not be so nervous, focus on those three things. Walking down the AISLE, Standing before the ALTAR and Listening to the HYMN. The bride was very thankful to her Dad for his words of advice. The family and friends gathered watched as she walked down the aisle. They saw the look of calm on her face. But as she passed them, they began to chuckle quietly. For along with the look of calm, she was mumbling three words over and over again to help calm her nerves. “Aisle, Altar, Hymn… Aisle, Altar, Hymn… Aisle, Altar, Hymn.”
The Bible talks about how the “old is gone and the new has come,” it is clear that it is Christ, through the power of the Holy Spirit that makes us NEW, and that we are changed by God. ALL the nagging and desire in the world will not change another person. If you truly want change in your marriage the thing to ASK is: “what can I change about myself?” I truly believe that the way we react to one another is the key to whether our marriage, or ANY relationship for that matter, will be. If we act unhappy with everything that our spouse does or does not do, then we will be unhappy and so will our marriage. Yet if we concentrate on making our relationship with Christ the most important aspect of our marriage, HE will change us and that may bring change in others.
The Bible speaks of how we are to be the light of the world, the salt of the earth, it is difficult to gripe about someone when we are praying for them and acting as the witness that god wants us to be for them. I know as we get older and we forget things it is difficult to accept that our reaction is what will make us happy or not. It is true that men forget things, and yet we will not change this.
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don’t need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "I knew you were going to mess it up - You forgot my toast."
We all have our faults, we all make mistakes and none of us is better, in the eyes of God, then the other. For ALL have sinned and fall short of His amazing Glory. When we see each other is the light that God sees us, it will make things a lot different.
This week as we celebrate LOVE, I think of the love that is expressed in the Bible. There are three words that describe LOVE in the Bible, they come from three different words used in the original languages of the Bible.
The first is:
EROS - it is a word that is used both in the Old Testament and New Testament. “Eros” means physical love or sexual love. The root of the word we use is EROTIC. Of course when this is mentioned in church, people either get very nervous about what the preach is going to say about this subject that has no place being discussed in the church, such a holy place. BUT, the truth is that God gave this type of love to those that are married and have made a deep commitment to one another and He says, “this is good!” BUT God designed it for those who are married and NOT those outside of a deep commitment.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy 3 boxes of chocolate. The pharmacist says what size small medium or large "Well," he said, "I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really Beautiful. I want the chocolate because I think tonight’s "the" night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. If she lets me hold her hand I’m going to give her the small box if she let’s me kiss I’m going to giver her the medium box and if she lets me “well you know,” I’m going to give her the big box. The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
The second word used for love in the Bible is the word “phileo” it means “brotherliness”. It is the word where the great city of Philadelphia derives its’ name from. The city of brotherly love. This type of love is also the kind of love that describes boy meets girl. Those of you old enough can remember the good old days when we’d go into the drugstore & order a large soda with two straws. Then we’d sit together, each with our own straw in the same soda, gazing into each other’s eyes, sharing the sweetness of those moments together.
Try to imagine that scene this morning. Boy & girl sitting together in the booth, sipping out of the same soda, looking into each others eyes. He says to her, “I like you.” And she responds, “I like you, too.” He says “I like you more than I said.” And she responds, “I like you more than I said, too.”
He says, “ I love you.” And she says, “What?” He says, “Nothing.” She says, “ Oh, no. Go ahead, say it again.” Well, alright, he says, “But don’t laugh. I love you.” I love you too,” she responds. And after a few weeks or months he asks, “Will you marry me? She says, “Yes, of course she answers. And they are married & live happily ever after - - - - FOR SIX WEEKS!
Its is the third word for love that we need to speak of today and that is the word “agape.”
AGAPE is the word used in 1 John where we are told, “God is love” This is the kind of love that reaches down and picks up clay and anoints blind eyes and causes them to see. It is the kind of love that stands besides the grave of a loved one and weeps with the mourners. It is the kind of love that blesses children. It is the kind of love that does not regard itself, but unselfishly goes to the cross and sheds its blood, and gives it life so that there might be hope for those of us who are hopeless without it. This is AGAPE love.
In marriage this is the kind of love that God wants to see us have for one another. AN unselfish, giving love. A love that does not hold grudges, it is a love that is patient and kind, that does not envy and does not boast. It is a love that is not proud, as I mentioned it takes humility to make a marriage work. AGAPE love is not rude or self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It protects, and trusts and hopes and it always perseveres. This morning let me leave you with a powerful statement written by a former Pastor in Seattle, WA. . . . . . . I am standing for the healing of my marriage! I won’t give up, give in, give out, or give over till that healing takes place. I made a vow; I said the words; I gave the pledge; I gave a ring; I took a ring; I gave myself; I trusted God; and said the words and meant the words…in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad; so I’m standing now, and won’t sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down, or be down till the breakdown is torn down! I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances; or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what’s trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous. Nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God’s real thing. Nor will I seek to lower God’s standard, twist God’s will, rewrite God’s Word, violate God’s covenant, or accept what god hates, namely divorce. In a world of filth, I will stay pure. Surrounded by lies, I will speak the truth. Where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God. Where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse, and when the odds are stacked against me, I’ll trust in God’s faithfulness. I’m a stander, and I won’t acquiesce, compromise, quarrel, or quit. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome. I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor the economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up till my marriage is healed up. AMEN!”
INVITATION
