“WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?”
To many of us the L. A. riots of several years ago were just a news story. A score of people were killed and several thousand were injured in the ensuing fights that erupted over a racially charged situation. The African-American community in L.A. correctly believed that police had unfairly beaten a Black man named Rodney King in a routine check stop. It was when the four arresting officers were acquitted of all charges that the riots erupted.
In the midst of the riots, King went on the news to appeal to both sides and is now famous for saying, “Why can’t we all just get along?”
Douglas Noll, a lawyer and conflict mediator, took off on that statement and explained that recent scientific research shows that the reason we can’t get along is in our brains. In the last couple of centuries we have gotten used to the idea that we are rational beings. Noll says it isn’t so. We are emotional beings. In fact, we are 98 % emotional and 2 % rational beings. He concluded that peacemaking needs revision based on this finding and that reconciliation doesn’t happen with simply logical conclusions; it must largely involve our emotions.
Why can’t we get along? Imagine if we were all rational beings. If we were completely logical we would all act like Mr. Spock from Star Trek. In reality we are more likely to resemble Captain Kirk, his emotional counterpart. Frankly, it is much more exciting that we are all emotionally driven people, but it is also the reason we have conflict with one another. A problem occurs between us, anxiety rises, insecurity and a fear of losing control of the situation grows, and we react, often badly. There you go: interpersonal crisis.
As Christians what is our response? What is our motivation for getting along? We can learn from Paul’s dealings with Euodia, Syntyche and the Philippian church why we need to try, and the Bible tells us how to do it.
1. Motivations for “Getting Along”
a) Unity “in the Lord” – It will be forever known that Eudodia and Syntyche didn’t get along. How’s that for a legacy? We don’t even know if they worked out their problem. We don’t know what the problem was to begin with. However, it was a visible disagreement that seemed to shake the church and threaten its unity. Perhaps sides were taken and parties were forming.
Paul’s response is very interesting. He doesn’t take sides and affirm the correctness of one over the other. Paul simply says that they should agree with each other. No, that’s not quite correct. He said, “Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends! I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord” (1-2).
Disunity in the church is disastrous and contrary to God’s plan for us as his people. It is a flaw in the church’s armor against the world. That is why Paul carries the teaching of the past chapter forward with a call to stand firm in the Lord. There are enemies of the cross within and without the church, those who would like to destroy the church. So stand firm in the Lord.
But that’s not all. Paul urged the ladies in question to put aside their disagreement and find agreement in the Lord. What this means is whatever we find we think different about, we ought to agree on Jesus, on the gospel, on His grace. Put aside the temporary things and remember that Jesus is Lord of this church, he says.
The word “agree” has to do with harmony. It is as if two pianists were playing at the same time but pounding out different songs. It’s just noise. Paul wants these ladies to play the same song, and that song is Jesus, the beautiful melody.
b) It’s everyone’s business – Often times when we witness the fallout of a fight like this, we become frozen bystanders. I remember back in high school when a fight between a Portuguese fellow and a Filipino guy developed into a violent and bloody altercation. There was quite a crowd that formed, but no one stepped in to stop the fight. We were probably afraid we would be next.
A church fight scares us too. The problem is, we may stand around, but we are involved. An argument between two of our people, whatever it may be about, is everyone’s business. Paul told his friend in Philippi to “…help these women who have contended by my side in the cause of the gospel…” (v. 3). Help these women; get involved in making peace. It is our business because the church is not an institution, or a club, or a loose gathering of interested people, it is the body of Christ. We are family; we have the same Father in heaven. And are we not working towards the same goal? Are we not trying to build the kingdom of God here? A fight between our brothers or sisters is our business.
c) Our names are in the book – Back in the early 70s the Klassen family published a book that contained all the descendents of David Klassen, the delegate who brought the EMC to Manitoba in the 1870s. Hundreds of names filled the book and mine was among them. It was cool to see who I was related to as well. Years later I still found delight in meeting people who happened to be my distant relatives. We were bound by that common connection.
We in the church have our names written in a similar but much more special book. Our names are in the book of life through faith in Jesus Christ. Here is Paul’s third motivation for getting along. You can read about this book in Revelation 20:11-15 and Daniel 2:1. But the warning is found in Ex 32:33 where the LORD said, “Whoever has sinned against me I will blot out of my book.”
If we allow our personal disagreements to become a grudge, if we can’t forgive each other, and if we divide the body, we do immense damage to the power of the gospel in the world. If we do this we are sinning against God. Our names are in the book and we are tied by the uncommon blood of Jesus Christ. Let’s get along.
2. A Plan for “Getting Along”
It is not enough to tell you that one person’s disagreement with a brother or sister is everyone’s business. We need a plan to help us deal with conflict in our little church family. For this purpose I have adapted the “PEACE” acronym from Jeff Williams sermon “Getting Along with Others” (Pontiac Bible Church). Let’s use the word PEACE as our guide to help us remember what to do.
Pursue peace – Paul wrote to the church in Rome and challenged them with these words: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Ro 12:18). I appreciate that he made two conditions very clear. If it is possible live at peace with everyone. Sometimes it will not be possible. Sometimes there must be a confrontation before there is peace; sin must be exposed and confessed. Then he says as far as it depends on you. Sometimes another believer may be more skilled in handling a conflict. But don’t let that be an excuse. As far as it depends on you, live at peace.
Paul also said, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace” (Col 3:15). We are reminded again that we are one body, a spiritual community. Larry Crabb wisely wrote, “The difference between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it. When conflict is seen as an opportunity to draw more fully on spiritual resources, we have the makings of spiritual community.” ("The Safest Place on Earth," p. 40).
If you are in conflict right now, let me encourage you to deal with it today. Settle it today before it hardens your heart.
Express yourself Biblically – When you are in conflict it is easy to lose control of your tongue. We say things we can’t take back. A critical spirit will find fault in someone we don’t see eye to eye with and build up in us till words tumble out slamming that person.
Paul told the church, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Try to go an entire day without saying anything negative. We find it easy to scold our children for very insignificant things; we do the same to each other. Try to go a day saying only positive things and evaluate what comes out of your mouth.
Ask yourself the question: “is it worth it?” – When I stew over a comment made me to by someone who criticizes me, my conscience tells me to “get over it.” But I can’t. I have a hard time with some comments, partly because I am too slow to comprehend what was said, or too nice to say what I am really thinking.
We all struggle with this; we are all human; we all say things that can be taken the wrong way. Paul responds to this saying, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love which binds them together in perfect unity” (Col 3:13-14).
Remember, people don’t get out of bed in the morning and think, “how can I hurt someone’s feelings today?” Is it worth it to hang on to little comments and make a grudge over a misspoken jab? We need to work at giving a little grace.
Confess your sins – Are you the instigator? Can you admit in your heart when the whole argument or conflict began with you? Each one of us is aware of our own buttons. We know what happens when people press those buttons that set us off. Confess those weaknesses to the Lord and ask him to give his strength where you are weak.
And when we hurt others we need to confess our sins to them too, even if they bear some of the fault. Make sure you address everyone involved in the conflict. Avoid making excuses or giving reasons for your actions. You were wrong, admit it. Acknowledge how this may have hurt others and accept the consequences. Change what you can in yourself as a result of this hard lesson. Ask forgiveness and give the person or persons time to process your repentance.
As James said, “…confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (Js 5:16).
Engage a mediator – Finally, when nothing is working to bring peace, ask someone to mediate between the two of you. That’s what Paul told the “loyal yokefellow” to do for the two women. Help out by listening and offering resolutions.
Jesus gave these instructions: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses” (Mat 18:15-17). Tucked away in this wisdom is the idea of bringing in a mediator to avoid the next step, bringing it to the church. Chuck Swindoll wrote, “If you choose mediation remember, the ultimate goal is restoration not discipline, the right attitude is grace not force, and the common ground is Christ not logic, politics, tradition, or your will.”
Why can’t we all just get along? We can if we keep Jesus at the forefront of our relationships. We are emotional beings given to quick emotional reactions to what we perceive to be emotional attacks. But we don’t have to carry our hurts everywhere we go. We can put them down and live according to this PEACE plan.
There is a story of two friends walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE." They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE." The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?" The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it." LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forgive them. (writer unknown)
AMEN
