“What Men and Women Want”
Pt. 1
Steve:
We want to begin this morning by reading a couple of passages of Scripture.
The first is:
Matt. 19:11 – 12
11But Jesus said, “Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn’t for everyone. 12Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked—or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you’re capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.”
Marriage isn’t for everyone. There is nothing second rate about being single.
You are complete in Christ! Colossians 2:9-10 – complete = whole = nothing missing = nothing lacking. Not complete in someone else. You don’t need a man or woman to complete you. I am not complete due to Julie or vice versa. We are complimented by each other.
Julie:
Jesus gives us insight into whose idea marriage was in:
Mark 10:6-9, “6In the original creation, God made male and female to be together. 7Because of this, a man leaves father and mother, and in marriage 8he becomes one flesh with a woman—no longer two individuals, but forming a new unity. 9Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart.”
Steve:
Our prayer is that if you aren’t married what we discuss will help you be better suited if you choose to marry in the future. We also hope that what we say and do here will help those of you who are married to be better spouses and parents. By the way if you are real churchy you are not going to like this message. We have been taught that we shouldn’t talk about sex in church. But we must talk about it. We need to talk about it.
Julie:
A lot of us think that having a healthy marriage is something you only find in a fairy tale or a romance novel. We believe that is something we have to strive for, work at, and something we should expect. Good marriages just don’t happen. They take hard work. You should expect a good marriage. God doesn’t sit around and say that one will be good and that one will be bad and there is nothing you can do about it. They are good or bad based on our joint investments and efforts in the relationship.
Most of us only ever get a few hours (or in our case) 1 hour of premarital counseling that is supposed to help us be prepared to deal with the issues of marriage for the rest of our lives. Why don’t we ever talk about marriage issues in church?
Steve:
We believe that talking about these issues is important because unfortunately Christian marriages end in divorce just as much as those who aren’t based on Christ. Not only that, marriage researchers have determined that having a healthy, happy, fulfilling marriage benefits all family members. Below are marriage statistics from research by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and the Healthy Marriage Initiative.
We believe God knew these benefits existed with the marriage of man and woman and that is why He instituted it. Modern research simply echoes what God says in His Word.
Benefits of Healthy Marriages For Children and Youth (Marriage Statistics)
Julie:
Researchers have found many benefits for children and youth who are raised by parents in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, including the following statistics:
• More likely to attend college
• More likely to succeed academically
• Physically healthier
• Emotionally healthier
• Less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol
• Less likely to commit delinquent behaviors
• Less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse
• Have a better relationship with their mothers and fathers
• Decreases their chances of divorcing when they get married
• Less likely to become pregnant as a teenager, or impregnate someone
• Less likely to be sexually active as teenagers
• Less likely to contract STD’s
• Less likely to be raised in poverty
So it is important to you kids that you have a healthy marriage!
Julie:
Benefits of a Healthy Marriage for Women
Researchers have found many benefits for women who are in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, including the following statistics:
• More satisfying relationship
• Emotionally healthier
• Wealthier
• Less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or other violent crimes
• Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
• Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
• Less likely to contract STD’s
• Less likely to remain or end up in poverty
• Have better relationships with their children
• Physically healthier
A bad marriage can depress the body’s immune system. Unhappily married women have subnormal levels of white blood cells (which destroy infections)
Steve :
Benefits of a Healthy Marriage for Men
Researchers have found many benefits for men who are in healthy marriages, compared to unhealthy marriages, including the following statistics:
• Live longer
• Physically healthier
• Wealthier
• Increase in the stability of employment
• Higher wages
• Emotionally healthier
• Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
• Have better relationships with their children
• More satisfying sexual relationship
• Less likely to commit violent crimes
• Less likely to contract STD’s
• Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
In order for us to have healthy relationships and to reap the benefits of that relationship we must understand what men and women want.
Julie:
Dear Tech Support,
This year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
. Romance 9.5 and
. Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs such as
. NBA 5.0,
. NFL 3.0 and
. Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Steve:
"Pastor, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The pastor asked, "What’s wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The pastor, very surprised by this, says, "I’m sure you’re wrong."
The man pleads, "I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?"
The pastor then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know."
A week later the pastor calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."
"Take the poison."
Steve:
We need to understand each other in 4 areas:
Physically
Emotionally
Spiritually
Relationally
1. Physically
Steve: My statement about sex and food.
18-29 year olds have sex an average of 112 times per year, 30-39 year olds an average of 86 times per year, and 40-49 year olds an average of 69 times per year (Piccinino, Mosher, 1998).
So my advice - don’t get old!
13% of married couples reported having sex a few times per year, 45% reported a few times per month, 34% reported 2-3 times per week, and 7% reported 4 or more times per week (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
Like it or not the physical side of marriage certainly is an extremely important part of the whole marriage discussion when it comes to men. It is something that must be discussed.
What Men Want:
a. Take care of yourself. Don’t have to have a model, just take care of what you have. Dress nice, fix up. Don’t show up at door when man comes home in curlers, no make-up, with an apron on. Unless you don’t have anything on under the apron.
Julie - Men aren’t necessarily looking for a model, but FIX YOURSELF UP! Take care of your outward appearance and hygiene. Many times your outward appearance and the way you carry yourself is a direct reflection of what’s going on in the inside.
b. Modesty in public but not in private. Don’t show everything to everyone else. But don’t keep me from seeing. Throw away the flannel nightgowns. Visual.
You can partner with me to help my thought life (which all men struggle with) by keeping me focused visually on you. Other women can help my thought life by being modest! You are responsible for not causing a brother to stumble.
c. Clear communication. We can’t read your minds about the physical. Let us know what you want. News flash – men are clueless . . . we need your help! You need to initiate sometimes! You have permission to be aggressive with your husband! I am about to get the biggest AMEN in the history of Passion. Amen men? Song of Solomon is all about communicating what you want sexually!
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to continue for a length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand, and embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
You can’t expect us to deliver what you need if we don’t know what you need.
What women Want:
a. Women desire Touch. Little things make a big difference to women (doing dishes, helping put kids to bed, etc.).
b. Women’s motors are slower than men’s motors. Good things come to those who wait.
c. The physical relationship is for BOTH of you. Don’t be selfish. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.)
Sexual security (deal with pornography – Song of Solomon 6:8-9: 8There are sixty queens and eighty concubines, and virgins without number. 9My dove, my perfect one, is the only one. . .).
Pastor’s challenge to church. I promise you that there were happier couples, less sin!
2. Emotionally
What men want:
a. Affirm me. Make me a hero. Respect me.
Men get their self esteem from achievements - getting a promotion, finishing a project, driving a nice car. In a recent survey only two men said this outright, but most implied it. It seems women tend to treat men in a way that diminishes their ego, making them feel inadequate. Men said they would rather have more praise, more acknowledgement of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.
b. Encourage me.
Brag on me. If you want me to do more and be more brag on me. I will live up to what you say about me.
c. I want time with you and I want to talk to you (just not during the game). Joke - I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her.
d. I want someone to share my dreams with.
e. I want you to love me first and then the kids.
What Women Want:
a. Women need to feel special, valued and LOVED. Women get their self esteem through RELATIONSHIPS. Women feel good about themselves if others feel good about them. Their self worth depends on what friends, family and probably most importantly their spouse thinks about them.
b. Women have a deep need for effective communication. They need to feel LISTENED to. Women want to be heard…don’t try to solve/fix all their problems all the time. Just LISTEN! We need a sounding board, but we don’t always need a verbal response.
c. There are times when we need to know that we are beautiful to you, whether anyone else thinks that we are or not. Sometimes when we are trying on the dress or outfit and we ask “does this look okay?”, we are really wanting affirmation about US, not the clothing.
d. Understand that after children things change!
After having children, women often experience post-pardom…it IS real! Support her, give her flowers, be patient with her mood swings. These emotions are brutal. We often realize that we’re being emotional, but we can’t seem to help the flood of emotions and feel dumb b/c we’re having those feelings.
e. Help around the house!
Many women work outside of the home, so when we come home at the end of the day, we don’t get to sit and relax and watch tv. We are cooking supper, washing dishes, helping kids with homework, doing laundry, reading mail, responding to answering machine, reliving the events of the day… By the time we go to bed, we are physically and emotionally exhausted. It is very encouraging and helpful when the husband chips in and helps with kids and around the house. Washing dishes is foreplay!
So your assignment this week as couples is to meet each other’s physical and emotional needs! For one week put the other person first physically and emotionally.
Closing prayer for singles and couples!
God is concerned about every area of our lives physical, emotional. Maybe you didn’t realize that but it is true. He has the best design and plans for you.
