1 Corinthians 7 Marriage and Divorce
Itroduction:Today we’re looking at the subjects of Marriage and divorce. There’s more in this chapter than just those topics. But this subject alone will take the whole 25 minutes. So if you were hoping to hear about circumcision in verse 19, or other stuff, I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed.
Much pain is involved speaking on this matter. Fordivorce is painful. But the wounds of a friend are to be trusted, says proverbs, and I hope you consider me a friend. So my aim is to bring you both the bible’s teaching on this matter, and also some statistics and application.
Let’s pray as we begin. Father, please help us to hear your word to us today. May I speak in a helpful way, and may we all please you in our response. Amen.
Australia has been through great change in our practice of marriage and divorce. The change is still fairly recent, so the results are still being worked out.
I mentioned last week that in 1911, 0.15% of the Australian population were divorced. In 1996 it was 6.4% of the population are divorced. That’s a huge change, 4300% higher over those 85 years. And the change brings with it a very different community, very different attitudes, and much hurt.
There are two main factors to consider in explaining the changes. The first is the change in our attitudes, and the second is the change in the law.
In terms of our attitudes, I spoke last week of how our views changed in the 60s on sex and marriage. And that change can be linked to our divorce culture. Another change was the arrival of radical feminism. A famous Australian, Germaine Greer, for example, argued that marriage was bad for women. Marriage was slavery in the home, as well as sexually, said Greer. And many women listened. Many felt free to divorce for the first time.
Further, the question of happiness began to be more important than keeping your wedding vows. The view became common, you shouldn’t stay in an unhappy marriage, even if it meant breaking your vows. Happiness was now more important than faithfulness. And that change in attitude led to a change in the law. So in 1975, about the time when I was born, the Marriage Act was changed, so that divorce was made easy. You didn’t have to show fault with your spouse, you just had to be separated for a period of one year. The change of law in effect changed the definition of marriage. Because marriage was now a contract which would not be enforced by the state.
With the change of the law, there was a massive uptick in the number of divorces. People said it was that all the backlog of unhappy and abusive marriages was being dealt with. But the divorce rate stayed at the much higher level, and never returned. So it was a change both in attitudes and in the law that contributed to the change.
Today 46% of today’s marriages are expected to end in divorce. In 1960, that figure was just around 20%. In 1910 it was in single digits. Clearly the view of marriage has changed in Australia from a lifelong expectation to something else. So we need to bring the bible to bear on this change. What does Jesus say?
Verse 10 sets out his view on the subject plainly enough. Paul says this: To the married I give this command (not I but the Lord - that is the Lord Jesus): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
Now Jesus says this for good reason. He loves us, and so he tells us the best way for us to go. So let’s look at some stats which show how things have gone wrong, since we started ignoring Jesus on this question.
See, there is a wealth of information on the impact of divorce in the Government report I mentioned last week. It’s called To Have and to Hold: Strategies for Strengthening Marriage. It’s a report from the House of Representatives Standing Committee on Legal and Constitutional Affairs.
Here are some of the report’s findings. On the positive side, speaking of marriage, here’s a quote:
"Decades of research have clearly established links between health and well-being and marriage, separation and divorce.
Professor William Doherty notes that ‘for adults, a stable, happy marriage is the best protector against illness and premature death, and for children, such a marriage is the best source of emotional stability and
good physical health.’
Another study by Lilienfield found that nearly every type of terminal cancer inflicted divorced persons of both sexes more frequently than it did the married. In another study, Larson found (that’s not
the guy who writes the comics) - Larson found that the age specific death rate for divorced people
in the United States is 84 per cent higher than for married people. This means a divorced man loses ten years of life, compared to a married man.
That’s the equivalent of smoking a pack of cigarettes a day for the rest of your life.
Those were overseas studies, but the report said the results also apply in Australia. The effects of divorce on children were then studied in detail. The most common reactions in children are anger, directed at one or both parents, sadness and depression. In younger children, clinging to parents and bedwetting are often seen. Older children may withdraw somewhat from the home and seek relationships elsewhere.
Further, children of divorced parents are more prone to psychiatric illness (that is, to mental problems); alcohol consumption goes up massively for female children of divorce. Stomach ulcers and colitis are
four times more likely for men, whose parents divorced when they were less than 5.
Cchildren of divorce living with formerly married mothers have a 50 per cent greater risk of developing asthma, and a 20–30 per cent greater risk of injury; and parental divorce reduces life expectancy.
Further still, children who experienced separation and divorce were two to three times more likely to have been suspended or expelled from school, and three times as likely to be in need of treatment for emotional or behavioural problems. These children also scored higher on measures of antisocial behaviour, anxiety or
depression, inattention, hyperactivity, dependency and fearfulness.
Youth depression,early sexual activity and suicide are also linked to marital disruption, as is lower educational performance, lower chance of going to uni, and lower chance of well paying jobs.
Lastly, almost all children of divorce have anxiety getting married themselves, most are likely to divorce, and they have higher risk of having children in their teenage years.
It’s a terrible picture. The government report seems to go on and on. But the stats can’t tell the pain and hurt involved. God says in Malachi 2 ’I hate divorce’, and I’m sure that any of you who have had experience with divorce agree. You hate divorce too. It’s a miserable business.
So what we need to do is reclaim Jesus’ view of marriage, that it is for life. So let me try to address some of the reasons that people have given away marriage as for life.
First, some will say - we’re not compatible, so we need to divorce. It has to end, because we are not matched properly. This compatibility stuff is big. You can even waste your money on your mobile phone texting your name and someone else’s to a company and seeing if your names are compatible. It’s crazy, this stuff. They charge a fortune for it!
Now the problem is that we don’t believe in sin. See, the reality is that nobody is compatible with anybody. Why? Because we are all sinners. There’s stuff wrong with all of us. And so all marriages take hard work. We all have different desires to each other, and we won’t bend to the wishes of our spouse when we should. That’s sin for you. Now that’s why marriages need Jesus. Because Jesus fixes sin. But it’s sin means that no couple is compatible. Which is why it’s crazy to divorce on that ground.
I mean if you think about my marriage, Ally and I have problems, let me tell you. Just like everyone does. Don’t imagine that there are perfect marriages out there. No Ally and I are incompatible. Poor Ally. I preach for a living. Try arguing with that guy! And we like different stuff. Ally likes to go out.
I prefer staying at home. So the show came around last week. And on Monday, Luke had the day off school. Now would I go to the show if I had my choice? No way. It’s too much like shopping. It’s walking around forever with no purpose and getting a sore back doing so. The rides are too scary for me, and a waste of money. And it’s work the whole time, making sure the kids don’t kill themselves. Nope, I’m not keen. But for Ally and for the kids, I’ll do it. I go along, and try to enjoy myself. I push the babies around. I see how the big kids are going. And the family is thankful. But are Ally and I compatible? No way. I’m a lazy sinner. But praise God, Jesus fixes sin, and helps our marriage. But my point is this compatibility obsession is hopeless.
So what does happen to those who are looking for the right person? Well often, go through many marriages and divorces. And each time it fails, they think it was because they got the wrong person. But no, they are the wrong person. They are the problem. They are a sinner who needs Jesus just like all the people they’ve divorced.
Did you know the stats on second marriages are terrible. They’re hard to find on this in Australia, since they’ve stopped keeping records on it. But in America, it’s 41% of first marriages that end in divorce, 60% of
second marriages, 73% of third marriages, according to the Enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America. It gets worse each time. Because what matters isn’t compatibility. It’s commitment.
So here’s the thing, friends. At the start of your marriage, you have to shut the back door. You have to say, there’s no going out that way. We are going to work it out together. No questions of compatibility. That’s the only way.
Now here’s a second objection: What about those who say, if your marriage is unhappy, get out. Leave and it will be over. Better to end it than to be unhappy. Well consider the stats we’ve just heard. Both for
those who divorce and especially for the children, massive damage is done. You may be happy after a fashion, your family won’t. So remember, life is about more than happiness. We are to follow Jesus who served others, not himself. And the way to serve in marriage is to keep your marriage promise. Marriage is called a covenant in Malachi 2. It’s a promise for life. You made a covenant, a promise, and you need to keep it, happy or not. God keeps his promises, and so must we. You may have heard of B.B. Warfield, a famous theologian. He turned down all sorts of speaking engagements and jobs in his lifetime. Why? Because his wife was made a paraplegic on their honeymoon. 37 years of marriage, and he didn’t leave her side for more than a couple of hours. Did that make him happy? Well no, it was hard work. But he was honouring his promise. He was being like God and keeping his word.
So there were answers to two objections. But there are many more questions people have about divorce. So let me cover a few before we finish:
Here’s a question: What if the husband is beating the wife or the kids? Surely a divorce is the way then? To which, I’d say this: No, not a divorce, but a separation is the thing to think about there. Of course, you wouldn’t do it lightly. For verse 10 says: A wife must not separate from her husband. But there is a right time to get yourself out of danger, to do your job and protect your kids. Paul acknowledges that because of sin, a separation might be necessary, when he goes on to say: But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. We have forgotten the idea of separation with a view to reconciliation. See, why get a divorce? You only need to get a divorce if you want to marry someone else. A separation has a view to reconciliation. There’s a vast difference.
You know those who oppose stronger divorce laws argue that it’s a great thing women can get out henever they want. They see the modern divorce laws as good for women, for women who were being beaten. But here’s the thing. You don’t need a divorce to get out from being beaten. You just need a separation. After that, the task is to keep your marriage vow, and see if the guy sorts himself out.
Another question: if my non-Christian spouse leaves me, should I get married again? Well possibly. Verse 15 leaves that possibility open. Quote. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not boundin such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife,
whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
Now I do need to say something before progressing, see the assumption of the bible is that Christians must marry Christians. Verse 39 of this chapter makes that clear enough. Christian women are told, if their husband dies, they may remarry, quote, but he must belong to the Lord. It’s not just that second marriages must be to Christians, but it’s assumed that whenever you have the choice you must marry a Christian, if you are a Christian. Marriages should have Jesus at their heart.....and they can’t do that unless both are Christian.
But if you find you are married to a non-Christian, because you became Christian after being married, or because you hadn’t heard this teaching in the bible back then, and repented, or something like that, then if
your spouse leaves, you are not bound. That is, you can remarry. That’s not to say you be nasty to them, hoping they leave. No your goal is to save your husband, to save your wife. You are to work for your
spouse’s good.
Next question: What if my Christian spouse abandoned me? Well, speak to them, try to be reconciled. But it may well be that in the way they’ve treated you there are very serious doubts whether they are Christian at all. They’ve gone off with someone else, committing adultery. Or they’ve abandoned you unrepentantly. Having given it time, having their pastor approach them, and they are still unrepentant, it may be time for the elders of the church to say to them, you have left us, and to say to you, go ahead and remarry.
Another question: my spouse committed adultery. Should I divorce them? Jesus does say that adultery is a valid grounds for divorcing your spouse. It’s in Matthew 5:32, or Matthew 19:9. It’s not that you have to divorce them if they commit adultery. In fact, if it’s a one-off sin, it will very likely be worth forgiving and trying to move forward. But I heard of one woman who married a guy because the man she really loved wouldn’t marry her. So she was committing adultery through the whole marriage, and from the start. An unrepentant lying adultery. Now there’s a case where divorce would be inevitable, I think. So with adultery you may divorce them, and remarry someone else, but you don’t have to.
Here’s another question: If I commit adultery, and my spouse leaves me. Can I marry someone else? The answer is no. You had your chance and you blew it. You’re forgiven, sure, if you’ve repented. But that doesn’t mean there are no consequences. If it were the Old Testament times, in fact you’d be put to death for such a thing. And being dead, you wouldn’t remarry. You’re dead after all. But in the New Testament, it’s not like that. It’s just that you’re not free to marry again.
And a final question: Can I take a second wife? I know you see this a fair bit in Africa.
So notice carefully verse 2: But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The husband should be the woman’s own husband. Not anyone else’s husband as well. Among other things, this is so he can fulfil his marital duty to his wife. Sleep with her regularly that means.
Now before you’re married, you don’t see sex as a duty. Blokes are thinking, we get to be naked, and not much else. But no,there are various ways that you can deny each other in marriage, and manipulate
each other over sex. And that’s not on. One way would be for the bloke to take more than one wife. And that’s not on. Just read how badly it goes for Jacob with two wives if you doubt this point. The wives
trade for the right to sleep with him.
Now you may have more questions on this subject. If so, please write them on the communication cards, and I’ll try to answer them personally.
As your pastor, it’s my job to give you biblical counselling if you want it. We need our marriages to be solid. So remember for those of us still married, we need to know the back door is closed. There’s no running away from marriage. We’ve got to be committed to working it out. We need to make sure we have Jesus in our marriage front and centre.
For all of us, the Christian way of life is repentance. Let me close with the words of verse 23: You were bought at a price. Paul’s saying that the Lord Jesus has purchased us with the cost of his own blood. Those who have repented and turned to Jesus are now his, and we await the time when we will be with him forever in heaven. That’s a great thought. A great thought that sins in this area can be forgiven. That in heaven all the complicated messy relationships will be made right. Because we’ve been purchased by Jesus. Friends, I want to spare you pain in this area. Jesus’ way is the best way.
