Strength In Weakness
New Year’s 2009
Wildwind Community Church
David Flowers
December 27, 2008
Question for you: can you think of a single area of your life where you would like for people to see you as weak? I know – me neither. I mean, I’ve never had a problem letting people know I’m not perfect (big surprise, right? – we always think others don’t know!), but vulnerability has its limits. I don’t want to be weak, and in those areas where I am weak, I definitely don’t want others to know I’m weak! But as I look back on 2008 I realize it will be defined as one of the hardest years of my life – a year where I have maybe grown more than in any other year – a year defined, for me, by weakness – by inability to be the person I wanted to be – by inability to manage my image and be in control and keep the lid on – by vulnerability that came not out of some glamorous desire to set an example for anybody but from getting to a place where weakness was all I had left. In 2008 the usual techniques that I depended on to uphold my image of myself as strong and independent and the go-to answer man just stopped working. I don’t know how else to say it. I wrote a song years ago with a lyric that I never really understood until this past year – “I finally came to the end of myself, and found myself in the middle of nowhere.” I wrote this in the sense of coming to a place where all your tricks and tools for staying put together don’t work anymore. You come to the end of you, and you realize you’re out there in the open – vulnerable before God and maybe a few of your closest friends and/or your spouse. You can’t keep from looking weak anymore because you realize that you really are weak and you either have to face up to it or else live falsely for the rest of your life.
I mean, talk about finding, facing, and following the truth. Dang! It hasn’t been easy. It began last summer when I was preaching through the Sermon on the Mount. Eventually the week I dreaded came up where I had to preach on Matthew chapter 6 where Jesus tells us not to worry about anything. That was a decisive week for me because I had to confront the issue of whether I would stand up here and talk to you about your fears and worries, and how God has everything in control, without mentioning my own lifelong inability to deal with fear. I could stand here and preach the truth to you and ask you to face it, or I could face the truth about my own struggle with fear and decide to deal with it. This was a tough decision for me. I have lived with shame all of my life because of fear. I mean, here’s the teacher and spiritual leader and counselor who others come to for help, and yet with all of my faith and all of my experience and all that I know about how to help other people, I have not been able to help myself. How shameful, right? How embarrassing. How WEAK!
At first I thought I could gloss it over. God knows I’ve done that before. I could talk about specific things I’ve been afraid of at specific times and make it look like it has been a manageable thing – something that has annoyed me, but not something that has controlled me. When something annoys you you’re still in control. When something controls you – well, you’re weak. Right? So maybe I could limit the fears I talk about to just the ones I’ve successfully dealt with, or just the ones that seem rational and aren’t embarrassing. Then I could keep being the spiritual leader who is so bold and vulnerable and admits his flaws to other people (and gets credit for it), not the weak, fearful person who is a mess because of this area of his life that is crippling – where I have been unable to be the person I aspire to be – the person I preach to you that you can be and should be.
Most of you probably don’t know what a huge moment that was for me, when I decided to tell you that I was preaching to you about the area of my greatest weakness. It was very much like the time a few years back when my MS got so bad that I couldn’t hide it anymore, and I couldn’t manage it and make everybody feel okay and comfortable about it, and I limped into church with my cane, and my wife and girls helping me stand up. Now this thing everybody knows is there is suddenly real, and it’s in your face, and it’s ugly and uncomfortable and awkward, and it’s time to deal with it or else stay at home out of sight where I’ll be more comfortable and everyone else can be comfortable, but it’s not real. And you’re sitting there tonight and you’re listening to this, and you’ve got that area in your life – that area that’s embarrassing, even shameful. That area that you feel you desperately need to manage – to minimize – to keep from making other people feel awkward and uncomfortable – to keep from being embarrassed or ashamed – that gaping sore that no one can really make better anytime soon, and that’s an inconvenience to have to deal with but it’s there just the same. Maybe it’s what Parker Palmer calls a secret hidden in plain sight – it’s a part of you that’s ugly and humiliating, and that you conveniently try to keep everyone else from seeing, and maybe that you try not to see yourself. Is it time? Is it possible that the last weekend of 2008 might be the last weekend that you are stuffing that thing, trying not to deal with it, telling yourself it’s normal and everybody’s dealing with something? See the night I preached to you about worry and fear and anxiety, and told you about the ridiculous things I’ve been afraid of, and talked about the pain and the embarrassment of it all – that was a night I decided not to live in falsehood. And I didn’t know that night how deep the rabbit hole was going to go.
I got into counseling and started working through some of that stuff. I’m still going, and I say this not as therapy but because it is my intention to normalize the behavior of seeking help – from God, from pastors, from friends, from teachers, from counselors, from books, from anything and anyone we can find to help us. I have found myself going to all those places – weekly counseling, the Bible, prayer, the gym, reading, talking to Christy, playing certain songs again and again – whatever it might take to change my mind, to root out something very deep and dark and oppressive that was sapping the life out of me and has stolen my joy as far back as I can remember.
You don’t know when you come face to face with your weakness how deep that rabbit hole is going to go – and let’s face it, that’s the reason we don’t face it! We fear the unknown and you don’t know where you’ll have to go, or what you’ll have to say, or what you’ll have to do, to confront this issue in your life. And more than anything else in your life, you are afraid of being seen as weak, and needy, and dependent. You’re more afraid of being seen as weak than you are of the issue itself. I realize now that I was more afraid of being seen as weak than I was afraid of any of the fears I talked to you about. Because I can have the fears, but if you come to see me as weak – if I have to think of myself as weak – then who am I as your pastor and leader and teacher and guide? Is it the blind leading the blind?
Everybody has a couple of key areas in their lives where they are ashamed, and convinced that others must never, ever find out they’re struggling or else they would lose everybody’s respect. Or maybe you tell yourself something else – “it’s nobody’s business but mine.” And so you continue to live crippled by this thing. “I’ve got it under control,” and so you continue to live crippled. “I’m fine – everybody deals with something.” And so you continue to live crippled. Some of you will keep right on saying this until you have to file for bankruptcy, until your spouse walks out on you, until you are a full-fledged alcoholic or porn addict, or until your children begin to suffer and perhaps are permanently scarred, or until you are so paralyzed by depression or guilt or regret or fear or anger that you are not even able to seek help.
And where is God in all this? I mean, if God doesn’t come into play in this, then what good is he? Honestly! I mean Jesus came to bring freedom, right?
Jn 8:36 (NIV)
…if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Where’s the freedom? Where is God?
Jn 3:21 (The Message)
…anyone working and living in truth and reality welcomes God-light so the work can be seen for the God-work it is.”
The simple answer is that God is, and always will be, where the truth is. Why have I not experienced freedom from fear in the past? Because in that area of my life, I have not positioned myself in the truth. I have made excuses for it and rationalized it instead of deal with it. I have said, “It would be too hard for my people to know that their leader is struggling with this.” I have said, “Things will get better.” I have said, “Everybody has their cross to bear.” I’ve tried it all. And I’ve lived crippled. And I have not seen God bring freedom to this part of my life because God brings truth and the truth sets you free, and until I was ready to find, face, and follow truth in this area of my life, God could never bring freedom.
I’ll be honest. Finding and facing the truth about my struggle with anxiety and fear has led me to also find and have to face other unwelcome truths about myself – truths about who I am as a husband, and a friend. It has not been easy. Heck, why lie to you now – it has been downright brutal in many ways. I have never felt so broken, so out there and vulnerable and unable to keep up the appearance of togetherness. (Pause) And I have known all along that there’s no better place to be. When you’re a God-seeker, there is no better place to be than at the end of yourself.
2 Co 12:9-10 (NKJV)
9And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
If it’s true that when I am weak then I am strong, then I can honestly say I have never been stronger in my life than I am right now . I am being driven beyond the stupid games that I play – beyond my denials, beyond my rationalizations, beyond my excuses – and all of that is where ego lies. I am being driven (and I say “am being” because I know this ain’t over for me – not by a long-shot!) beyond my ego, past myself. I’ve quoted several times lately the phrase from Dallas Willard that God’s address is at the end of your rope. We will never come to God until we get over ourselves. And now with some amusement I recall the prayer that I have constantly prayed to God for almost 20 years – God, please save me from my self-sufficiency. In other words, deliver me from the sense that all of me is more than enough for me; from the conviction that on Dave the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand; from the attitude that I’d rather have David than silver or gold; from the blessed assurance that David is mine – oh what a foretaste of glory divine. Save me from my self-sufficiency – save me from myself. Bring me to the end of my rope. Bring me to a place where you really are all that I have, because I know that’s when I get to find out that you really are all I need.
God’s strength is made perfect in weakness. Do you know what that means? That means that God is waiting to reveal himself in our lives in incredibly powerful ways, but that will require us to become weak. It will require that we adopt a position of weakness before God as a fundamental part of our conception of ourselves – that we work it into our identity.
Ps 86:1 (NIV)
Hear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy.
You know what this is saying? Hi God, my name is David, and I’m an ego-a-holic. I need help.
This is where I think American culture just kills our ability to relate to God. We live in a prideful culture – one that emphasizes strength and competence and ability – one where those with power and access to information and money can get things done. One where people who get things done are rewarded and thought well of, and people who have less money and less access to information and less power are blamed and thought badly of – and where we manufacture political excuses to do this, even in the church. And we bring that strength and competence mindset into the church, creating churches with superstar pastors who are kept separate from their people, who are escorted onstage, and taken quickly back to their offices after the show – I mean the service. People hear gospels of self-empowerment, backed up with carefully selected scriptures that tickle the ears and speak nothing of sin or judgment or weakness. We glorify the professional class of pastors and send them to leadership conferences and expect them to apply business principles to growing their churches. Because growth surely must a sign of God’s blessing, right? And lack of growth a sign of the absence of that blessing? “God helps those who help themselves” is a favorite scripture for many, even though it’s not in the Bible. We positively love the strong individual who pulls himself up by his own bootstraps – the self-made man or woman who has overcome the odds and become successful and powerful. The American way is strength and independence and doing for ourselves. The Jesus way is weakness and dependence (on God and one another) and being beyond the point where we can help ourselves.
Let me ask you something. If we in the church have fully embraced the idea that Christ is strong when we are weak, if we are prepared on a moment-to-moment basis to see ourselves as weak and needy, then why is there as much or more resistance to counseling inside the church as there is outside the church? I mean, we’re supposed to be going through life in the expectation that we are weak beyond our ability to fix. As Christ-followers we should walk around with an awareness of our weakness and brokenness that is so acute that we stand always willing and ready to read whatever books and talk to whoever we need to talk to to get the help we need. Because good help, the right help, helps us to face the truth and allow God into those places where only he can bring healing. But instead many of us are just the opposite. We often use God to avoid God! We say, “Yeah, I have this issue, but God will bring victory.” We use God as an excuse to avoid the hard work of facing the truth and letting God in to where the work needs to be done. The truth is that although the Jesus we follow and serve embraced weakness, we are scared to death of being, or even appearing, weak. And yet into this culture of self-promotion, self-advancement, self-sufficiency, self-empowerment, and self-glorification comes a God who says, my grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness. We get so sucked into the culture of self around us that it’s actually hard to give up the self-exaltation and live from a place of need and dependence on God. That’s why Paul said, “Therefore I will boast in my infirmities (weaknesses), that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” Paul knew that actually there’s no better place to be than at the end of your rope.
When we approach God from the place of power and competence, we unknowingly enlist God to help us be more powerful and more competent. We approach God in prayer so that we can be more successful with our projects – even if our project is to live competently for Jesus. I would approach God so that I could be less fearful and therefore happier doing whatever I wanted to do that day. But when we approach God from the place of neediness and poverty of spirit, we simply do it to survive – we know that without God we will surely live for ourselves that day, and that there is nothing worse that could happen to us.
AA knows how important it is to be weak, to surrender our illusion of self-sufficiency. That’s why we hear that opening line at meetings, “Hello, my name is {whoever} and I’m an alcoholic.” That means the games are done. The denial is over. I have no illusions that I’m controlling this thing. I know that in my nature I am someone I should not be and do not want to be, and I know that I must depend on God, and on the support of this community, moment by moment, day by day, if I am ever to live differently and better.”
The way God saves us from our self-sufficiency is by bringing us to the end of ourselves. And do you know what? I believe oftentimes God will not do that unless you ask him, and then begin look into all the crippled places of your life and asking, “Where is God? Where are the opportunities for me to find my brokenness, then get whatever help I need to face it, and then follow Jesus through it. Maybe he’ll lead you out – maybe not. Maybe his answer to you will be like his answer to Paul – my grace is sufficient for you. I sometimes think to myself, “If God removed from me all of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, would I be a total pain in the butt to live with or what?” And suddenly I come to see my fear and my afflictions, for now,
as a gift that has brought me to the place of weakness and need – because that’s where I most need to be.
I want to go into 2009 healthier than I was in 2008. I want to live less fearfully, even though maybe there’s more to be fearful about! I want to be free of the depression that is caused by living in constant fear. I want to have greater compassion for others who are weak (i.e., “everybody”). I want to be more humble. I want to live in the truth that if I don’t face the truth about myself constantly, I will live in a lie that I am sufficient and that God needs to get on the same page with me and bless my efforts and help me look good and manage my image and keep me from losing face. Despite the pain involved, I WANT to learn to live in dependence on God. I want these destructive fearful places in me put to death, even though right now it hurts because it’s so much a part of me. And I want to trust that whether I ever am fully delivered or not, God is sufficient for me.
What do you want, on this last Saturday of 2008? Will you carry your brokenness and weaknesses into 2009, continuing to stuff it and make excuses for it? Or will you drive a stake in the ground today and say, “By God’s grace, I will embrace my weakness this year, and I will leave no stone unturned in my quest to get the help I need to allow God’s light to shine in.”
Forget resolutions – you can experience transformation. It is available to you.
