Husbands
MPM Men’s Retreat May, 2008
“If your spouse is an idiot, you’re a double idiot for marrying them.” - Gary Chapman
This talk is for everyone...
You young men...take notes now, set yourself up for success.
You single men...rejoice in your gifting now (1 Cor.7:7), prepare for what God has for you later.
All you unmarried men...Go to trainbyfaith.com and listen to the talk titled relationships under the MP3 tab.
You happily married guys...it never hurts to hear it again.
You guys who’s marriages aren’t where they should be...there is hope.
Pastors’ you have a BIG responsibility.
Be the example.
Prepare people adequately.
Encourage people correctly.
My story.
Divorced parents, didn’t think it was possible, God challenged that, I stand here today with a great marriage - by God’s grace.
It is possible guys.
Want to live a happy life?
Love your wife.
Not just be attracted to her; love her.
Choose to put her good first!
Good relationship with her = peaceful, joyful, relaxed life.
Compare that to constant quarreling.
What do you want?
Don’t give up happiness to walk around bitter and angry all day.
Invest in your marriage.
Marriage is “hard work.”
Hard work like working at something you love.
Not hard work in terms of painful, boring and hated work.
Hard work like learning to fly fish, not digging a ditch.
Learn and grow.
Books, tapes and other resources.
These men’s retreats.
Weekend to remember.
This is so important!!!
Your kids, friends, co-workers, church and society need to see good examples of marriage.
Many of our students tell Erin and I we’re the 1st good marriage they’ve ever seen.
God’s desire for marriage:
God designed marriage to be a reflection of Him and His love for us.
Gen.1:27 - Male and female created in His image.
Eph.5:21-33 - a reflection of God’s love for us.
As Christians in America, we’re missing the boat.
Some stats have shown that the divorce rate among Christians is higher than outside the church.
No stats show its lower.
True companionship.
Gen.2:18 - Not good for man to be alone.
You need your wife.
Men are 9 times more likely to commit suicide after divorce than women (Familylife stat).
Synergy - you’re better together.
Clydesdale example:
1 Clydesdale can pull 2 tons, 2 together can pull 22 tons.
Raising up godly children.
Gen.1:28 - Be fruitful and multiply.
Pastor Frank will talk more about this.
Mt.28:18-20 - The Great Commission!!!
Disciple them from day 1.
Every marriage will be fought against.
By Satan:
Jn.10:10 - As with life, Satan’s plan for your marriage is to steal, kill and destroy; God’s is to give you a marriage full of life and abundance.
By your own flesh:
2 selfish people trying to live together - only by His grace!
By the worlds system.
Divorce is O.K., live for pleasure, etc.
1 Jn.2:15-17.
Every marriage is either growing or dying, progressing or regressing.
No middle ground.
If you aren’t consciously growing, you’re passively regressing.
Things that make marriages failures: top reasons for divorce (and conflict in marriage!!!):
Money (indicative of more; communication, selfishness, irresponsibility, etc)
Infidelity (41% of married couples admit to infidelity; 57% of men and 54% of women admit that they’ve committed infidelity in every relationship they’ve had - Familylife stat).
Adultery is searching for something you already have.
If you are in, starting or contemplating an affair you need to break it off this weekend.
Remember Mt.5:28 - Porn, lust, etc.
Destroy your attraction to and desire for your wife.
Become an addiction you can’t control.
Challenge kids.
What you lust after keeps you from what you seek after.
Ex. Porn keeps you from a satisfying sex life.
Ex. Desiring riches keeps you from enjoying what you have.
All men need help in the lust area - don’t stand alone.
Accountability, Covenanteyes.
Be careful about your attraction!!!
You have control over your attraction.
Don’t hold your wife up to other womens’ stadards.
Learn to be attracted to the right things.
Pr.31:30 - “Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised.”
Pr.31: 10-31 - Virtuous, capable (talented), wise, resourceful (Nadene Clemens example), energetic, strong, a dilligent worker, kind (Erin), a good overseer of her home and most importantly, loves God.
This kind of wife “greatly enriches your life,” “helps you” and she is the kind of wife that “is to be praised.”
1 Peter 3:2-4 - Purity, godly behavior and the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit
These qualities are “very precious to God.”
Poor communication
Change in priorities
Lack of commitment to the marriage
Sexual problems
Addictions
Failed expectations and
Abuse (physical, emotional, verbal or sexual)
Divorce.
Stats:
Barna, 3/31/2008 - 33% of all adults in america who have been married, have had at least one divorce.
Stats hard to come by.
Many people quote 50%, which is possible, out of that 33% there are obviously many who’ve had multiple divorces.
Many marriages don’t end in divorce but aren’t much better.
That doesn’t constitute success.
Things that make marriages successes:
Communication,
Don’t fight to win, strive to understand each other.
You have different styles of communicating.
Meet your wife where she is at.
Listen well.
Focus on your wife, in an accepting way and just listen.
Respect her opinions and ideas.
Don’t argue - it is a sin.
Disagreements, arguments and fights.
Don’t gossip and slander.
Talk good about your wife.
Pick your words wisely - they remember.
Don’t criticize or belittle.
Fat, ugly, stupid, etc.
Affirm your wife.
Flexibility.
Give grace, unconditional love and acceptance.
Closeness.
Develop closeness at her level.
5 Love languages. (Gary Chapman)
Affirming words
Physical touch
Gifts
Time spent together
Acts of service
Compatibility.
Work together as a team!
Conflict resolution (Familylife ideas).
Eph.4:26 - Don’t let the sun go down on you anger.
If offended.
Admit the hurt.
Examine the offense.
Does it need to be confronted or should you just let it go.
Consider your contribution.
Check your heart.
Your wife is not the enemy!
Confront correctly!
Right place.
Right time.
Right words.
Forgive.
Release her from responsibility.
If you’re the offender:
Admit to God and yourself you’re wrong.
Examine the offense.
What attitudes or patterns caused the offense.
Humbly seek forgiveness.
Rebuild trust.
This takes time.
Forgiveness is key.
A continual process.
Long history = long process.
Defuse conflict with the power of blessing!
Lk.6:29 - turn the cheek.
Sex.
Barometer.
Howard Hendricks - “We should not be ashamed to discuss what God was not ashamed to create.”
Talk about this with your kids, congregations.
Invest in your sex life.
The more you invest, the happier you’ll be - I promise.
God designed this to be awesome.
Don’t be dumb - explain.
Serve your wife in this area.
Fun activities together.
Keep/make it exciting, for both of you.
Dates, weekends and vacations alone.
Ideas - printouts.
Making her feel special.
Family and friends.
Have a good balance of positive, encouraging friends, who will fight for you and your marriage.
Finances (which goes back to communication).
Making marriage a success is a daily decision to serve and put the other person first, it is not a feeling.
it’s been said, “Don’t feel your way into acting, act your way into feeling.”
No rights!
Good bad split.
Accept her as she is!
Don’t expect her to think, talk and act like you.
Your way of doing things is not “the way.”
Cherish her differences.
Family life: Don’t just accept; Accept and receive.
She is God’s gift and provision for you.
Don’t play the blame game.
Quit the tit for tat
It takes 2 to tango.
If your marriage is on the rocks, quit pointing the finger!
Every troubled relationship starts and ends with two pointing fingers.
Man up.
Choose to see the good.
Basically, what men need.
What do you think men need?
Respect and affirmation.
Love and respect.
You need respect; especially from her.
So be respectable - giver her something to respect.
Companionship and support.
Sex.
If you aren’t getting these she’s probably not getting what she needs.
Man up!
Take the initiative as the man and you’ll end up with what you’ve always wanted.
*****Now, Down to brass tacks!!!*****
1 Peter 3:7 - “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
This is bigger than just you and her.
Eph. 5:21-33 - 21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Submission involves a little give and take (vs.21 and 22).
Team mentality.
Both working for each others’ better good.
Remember Synergy.
Spiritual walk together.
Head = Take the initiative.
Time in Word and prayer together.
Lay down your life for her!!!
Be willing to die for her, yes, but more than that...
Lay down your life for her:
Your rights, expectations, hopes, dreams, desires and fantasies.
Your plans, ambitions and goals.
Your well-being and resources.
Bottom line: 1 Cor.13:4-8 - “4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.”
Even if you’re in the hole right now - There is hope, and Grace.
He has given you His Spirit to empower you to become the husband He wants you to be.
Get in the Word and prayer, Seek Him First (Mt.6:33).
He will transform you into the husband you need to be (2 Cor.3:18).
Plug in to good fellowship and Accountability (Heb.10:24-25).
Discussion Questions:
Why is it hard to live a transparent life of integrity?
What are the consequences of not being a conscientious husband or father?
What issue about being godly husbands most sticks out to you and how will you apply that (unmarried guys - how will you become who God wants you to be before you get married)?
In what area do you need to draw closer to God and allow Him to transform your character to be the husband and father he desires (unmarried guys - how do you need to develop to be ready to be husbands and fathers)?
In your observations, what qualities about good husbands and fathers have caught your attention?
Homework for married men: Discussion Group Leader, have your men right out these challenges.
Think through 3 main areas you need to ask God’s, your wife’s and your children’s forgiveness.
Think of something different and creative you will do with each of them to show them you love them.
Get an accountability partner.
Other Resources Used: Family Life and Weekend to Remember Conferences.
