Being the Church
God’s Conflict Resolution
Scripture: Acts 15:36-41
Icebreaker: Two men who lived in a small village got into a terrible dispute that they could not resolve. So they decided to talk to the town sage. The first man went to the sage’s home and told his version of what happened. When he finished, the sage said, "You’re absolutely right." The next night, the second man called on the sage and told his side of the story. The sage responded, "You’re absolutely right." Afterward, the sage’s wife scolded her husband. "Those men told you two different stories and you told them they were absolutely right. That’s impossible -- they can’t both be absolutely right." The sage turned to his wife and said, "You’re absolutely right."
David Moore in Vital Speeches of the Day
Intro: Many of you guy in here learned that trick a long time ago only with the words, “Yes, dear.” It’s not always so easy to get out of a disagreement, is it?
-You know, a lot of times the problem is simply that we’d rather right than be gracious. We’d rather have a victory than have peace. Hip-hop superstar Kanye West put it this way in one of his songs: “You say I think I’m never wrong. You know what? Maybe you’re right. Aight?”
-At least he’s honest. But let’s be even more honest this morning: disagreements can strain even the best of relationships. It did for Paul and Barnabas. Up to this point in our series, “Being the Church,” we’ve seen many, many instances were the early Church did things right. Paul and Barnabas were big reasons for that. But one of the things I appreciate the most about the Bible is that the Bible never flatters its heroes. If a Biblical hero messes up, the Bible records everything in heart-wrenching detail. But you know why I love that? Because I can relate to those men and women; and you can, too.
-So this morning, let’s take a look at a small section of the book of Acts that I honestly wish wasn’t there, but I’m so glad it is. Paul and Barnabas, after years of successful ministry together, have a disagreement…and the consequences are disastrous.
(READ ACTS 15:35-41 AND PRAY)
"The time to win a fight is before it starts."
Frederick Lewis (Brigadier General, United States Army, 1948-2007)
How To Deal With Annoying People, Phillips & Alyn, 2005, p.193
4 Facts about Disagreements
1. Disagreements are inevitable.
-People are unique. All of us come from different walks of life. We have different backgrounds, different temperaments, different sets of opinions, etc. So sometimes we’re going to disagree. We’re going to find ourselves in conflict. It’s just a fact of life. What matters is how we deal with conflict in our relationships when the conflict comes.
2. Even Godly people will not always agree.
-You know the biggest problem with churches? They’re full of people. I mean, FULL of people. And because people are people, sometimes disagreements arise even among Christians. But disagreements in and of themselves don’t make us sinners. We can accommodate one another in love, and mature believers can disagree without being disagreeable.
-Every follower of Jesus would do well to adopt author Robert Cook’s attitude: “God reserves the right to use people who disagree with me.” Amen.
3. Every disagreement has the same two ingredients: an issue and varying viewpoints.
-And the issue always involves some principles that we hold, and the viewpoints always involve personalities. Different points of view on the same issue are usually what lead to conflict in relationships. If we will simply identify the issue that’s causing conflict and recognize one another’s viewpoints, 100% of the time we will be able to better move towards resolution of the conflict as opposed to simply digging our heels in. You know how often that moves us towards resolution of the conflict? Hardly ever.
4. In many disagreements, each side is valid.
-You know, in the heat of an argument, we usually see only one side. And which side is that? Our own, of course. If we will calm down, though, we can almost always begin to see the issue from the other side. And if we’re really honest, we’ll have to admit that the conflict is really a matter of perspective rather than who’s right and who’s wrong. Most times, each side has valid points.
-So disagreements are bound to happen. And often, both sides are at least partially right. It was no different for Paul and Barnabas. But there’s something else we need to know about disagreements: They have a tendency to escalate into full scale conflicts and destroy relationships with the people we care about most.
-Unfortunately, this was the case for Paul and Barnabas. These close friends, brothers in Christ and pioneers of the Church never ministered together again after this conflict in Acts 15. But fortunately, we can learn from their mistake. God speaks very clearly to us in His Word about his remedies for relationships in conflict. These 3 remedies are going to be our focus this morning.
3 Biblical Remedies for Relationships in Conflict
1. Work hard at seeing both points of view.
Illustration: One of the big stories in the news this past week has dealt with the ongoing sports saga of Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers. Brett retired in March, then he wanted to un-retire in July, but the team had already moved on and didn’t want him back. Neither side saw the other’s point of view. Both the quarterback and the team management simply adopted the notion that their position was right and the other position was wrong.
Questions: Have you seen this happen in other avenue of life? How does it usually work out in the end? Does it ever end happily? When we disagree with someone, if we were really honest, might there not be some merit to the other person’s position?
Main Point: This is the 1st Biblical remedy for a relationship in conflict. Work hard at seeing both points of view. If you will commit yourself to doing this, you will cut the number of conflicts you find yourself in by half.
- But let’s be honest. It’s tough to see other’s points of view sometimes. There are certain subjects that we have already formulated our perfect, infallible opinion on and we’re right and anything else is wrong. And if anybody dares to challenge that opinion of ours, the Teflon goes up and our blinders go on and there’s no budging us from our positions.
-We’ve all been there before. But let me ask you: how has the usually worked out for you? Could I suggest to you a key word for this tactic? “Selfishness.”
-I am no suggesting that seeing both viewpoints is easy. It is hard work because it’s not natural to us. Our pride is at stake when someone disagrees with us. And as a result, we have a tendency to see only our own position while blurring everyone else’s.
-But that selfishness rarely gets us where we need to be. Fortunately, the Bible has a remedy for our selfishness.
Scripture: Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
2. When both sides have good support, seek a wise compromise.
Illustration: The late Jerry Falwell was enthused with shopping about as much as any man. In her recent book, Jerry Falwell, His Life and Legacy, Falwell’s wife explained how her husband handled their trips to the mall. Falwell would drive his wife to the store and then park the car. He would hang a sign in the window and lean back in his seat for a nap. The sign read: "I’m not dead. I’m just sleeping while my wife shops."
U.S. News & World Report, 5/19/8, p.14
Questions: Men, let’s be honest. Not many of us get all that thrilled to go on a shopping trip with the ladies in our lives, do we? But compromise can work to make both parties happy, right?
Main Point: It sounds like old advice from your grandma, but she had a point: when both sides have good support, seek a wise compromise.
-Paul and Barnabas didn’t have to split up. Does that surprise you? They could have reached a compromise with each other. They could have let John Mark come for a probationary term with them. Barnabas could have compromised by letting Mark take part in a smaller assignment first. Paul could have said, “Well, if you take Mark, let me take someone as well.” But they didn’t. Who knows what creative alternatives they could have agreed upon?
-They could have even sought the counsel of the elders in the local churches to help them. But they were too proud for that. They would have done well to remember what Solomon said:
Scripture: Proverbs 15:22 (NIV)
“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”
Scripture: Proverbs 15:22 (The Message)
“Refuse good advice and watch your plans fail; take good counsel and watch them succeed.”
-For whatever reason, many people feel like if they have problems, they have to work it out themselves without seeking wise counsel from someone they trust or they will seem weak. But would you rather keep up appearances or repair your relationship that’s in trouble? Would you rather keep up appearances or save your marriage? Would you rather keep up appearances or reconnect with your children?
-Don’t be afraid to seek a wise compromise in the face of conflict. And don’t be afraid to seek the counsel of someone you trust.
-You know, when Paul and Barnabas had their disagreement and subsequent conflict, each of them probably walked away thinking, “Well, I showed him! I won the argument.” But when Paul came to the end of his life, and when Barnabas came to the end of his, do you think who won that argument mattered to either of them? Don’t you think they would have preferred to keep their friendship instead?
3. If the conflict persists, care enough to work it through.
Statistic: In a lifetime the average American will spend:
Six months sitting at stoplights
Eight months opening junk mail
One year looking for misplaced objects
2 years unsuccessfully returning phone calls
4 years doing housework
5 years waiting in line
6 years eating Survey of 6000 people polled in 1988, U.S. News and World Report, Jan 30, 1989, p. 81.
Questions: If we spend that much time doing those menial things, shouldn’t we be willing to invest at least a little bit of time into saving our relationships by working through conflict?
Illustration A young boy was standing outside the veterinary clinic that belonged to Sally’s father. When a woman saw him she asked if he was waiting to see Dr. Meyer. The boy politely replied, "Yes, I’m having my dog put in neutral." Apparently this is a common procedure for humans as well.
Reader’s Digest, December 2006, p.61
Main Point: When it comes to working through conflict with the people you care about, apathy is not an option! If you’re like me, you may procrastinate with a lot of different things in your life, but you cannot afford to put off working through conflict. Conflict that is allowed to persist will ruin your friendships. Conflict that is allowed to persist will ruin your marriage. Conflict that is allowed to persist will ruin your life.
-And when it happens, who, really is to blame? It’s ourselves. So don’t let it simmer beneath the surface. Deal with it. Get it out in the open. Care enough to work through the issue.
-Whatever you do, don’t run from conflict. Don’t quit your job, your church, or your marriage because of disagreements. Slamming down the phone or slamming shut the door doesn’t help matters, and neither does resorting to the silent treatment. Truly caring about a relationship means that you’re willing to face the issue and, with God’s help, work it out in love!
-The Bible gives us the perfect remedy when it comes to working through our conflicts:
Scripture: Colossians 3:13 (NIV)
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
-“Bear with each other…” Those are words to endurance. Take the time. Work it through. And it can be a grueling process, that’s why Paul adds, “forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
-Unforgiveness is a sin. If you’re harboring unforgiveness in your heart towards someone, you are sinning against them and against God. The power of forgiveness is phenomenal. Let it be your first response when you find yourself in the midst of conflict with someone.
(STAND)
Conclusion/Invitation
-Billy Graham is quoted as saying “Hot Heads and cold hearts never solved anything.” How true.
-I confess that I do not know what problems are going on in your relationships. It may be your marriage. It may be with a close friend. It may be with a Christian brother or sister. You may not want anyone to know. But I want to challenge you today to work it through.
-And do you want to know what the root, the key, of all of this is? Yielding control of that part of your life to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.
-If you never have, I urge you for your sake and the sake of those you care about, to turn over your life to Him today. If you already have but are struggling, I encourage you to consecrate yourself to Him today.
