This teaching is taken from my book “Beaten, Battered, Bruised & Blessed” (Christians Recognizing and Responding to Domestic Violence) more information can be found at www.c21c.org My prayer is it will help you in Pastoral ministry.
Caught in Domestic Violence
This is perhaps the most difficult aspect of domestic violence to understand, “Why on earth do women stay?” The explanations of course are not simple and it is hoped that the following explanations will provide you with some insight into the dilemma that many victims find themselves in and thus increase your understanding, compassion and patience. Becoming frustrated with the victim who seems unwilling or unable to change her circumstances is only playing into the perpetrator’s evil scheme of isolating his victim from those who care.
Economic Dependence, Many victims of domestic violence find themselves trapped in a prison where they are bound by financial dependence upon their abuser and the constant fear of reprisals keep countless sufferers of domestic violence locked within a marital hell. Often victims have little or no access to domestic finance yet they are still expected to provide for the family. I have repeatedly heard stories of families where men have purchased top quality food and either locked it in the larder or displayed it with threats that he will beat anyone who touches it. Which, of course, is a form of physical abuse.
Emotional Distortion, Many victims of domestic violence find themselves trapped in a prison of emotional self blame, or the perplexing emotional feelings of loving their abuser. Because they know what he was like before the violence, they cling to the hope that this phase in their relationship will pass. For Christian women, there is the pressure to believe in the power of prayer to change their abuser. Of course, God is a miracle working God and he can change any perpetrator. However, until that moment comes, victims should be encouraged to consider their, and possibly their child/ren’s, safety. A victim does not need to stay and be a martyr to see her perpetrator changed.
Serious Responsibility Despite the irresponsible behaviour of their partner towards his children, victims take their responsibility for their children seriously, sacrificing their own safety for their children and even projecting the reputation of their father, by covering up for him. The reality most likely is friends, family and even the child/ren, already know of the evil behaviour, but fearful if they say anything it will only make the situation worse.
Fear of Reprisals, Many women are justifiably fearful that leaving the relationship will not end the violence. Many women are pursued and further abused when they leave. It is a ’Catch 22’ situation, whereby they are beaten if they stay and risk being killed if they leave. Many women are more at risk of being killed either at the point of leaving or when they have just left.
Lack of knowledge and access to help, Many people don’t consider an issue until it knocks on their door and so many women have little awareness of the support and services that are available to help them deal with domestic violence. Ministers and Church Workers would be of tremendous support if they kept themselves up to date with local support services for victim. Recently I spoke to several Ministers about what they do when victims of domestic violence come to them for help and advice, all said they would refer them to the local shelter. What they all failed to realise was that the shelter they were sending victims to had closed down a year previous!
Social Isolation, Feelings of “Shame” because society will label their marriage a bad marriage or she is a bad wife or mother, often force victims to isolate themselves from friends and family, this feeling of “Shame” is more intense within the Christian community. Many victims isolate themselves simply because others don’t seem to believe or understand their abuse. Some victims have been restricted by their partner because they fear another beating.
Stockholm syndrome, Suggests that because of the threats of death from a victim’s abuser not being carried out, create feelings of gratitude and interdependence that keeps the victim with their abuser.
The following is excerpted from Domestic Violence Response Training Curriculum, November 1991, by Jeri Martinez.
The Stockholm Syndrome is an emotional attachment, a bond of interdependence between captive and captor that develops ‘when someone threatens your life, deliberates, and doesn’t kill you’. (Symonds, 1980). The relief resulting from the removal of the threat of death generates intense feelings of gratitude and fear which combine to make the captive reluctant to display negative feelings toward the captor or terrorist. In fact, former hostages have visited their captors in jail, recommended defence counsel, and even started a defence fund. It is this dynamic which causes former hostages and abuse survivors to minimize the damage done to them and refuse to cooperate in prosecuting their tormentor.
The victim’s need to survive is stronger than his(sic) impulse to hate the person who has created his(sic) dilemma.” (Strentz,1980). The victim comes to see the captor as a ‘good guy’, even a saviour. This condition occurs in response to the four specific conditions listed below:
A person threatens to kill another and is perceived as having the capability to do so.
The other cannot escape, so her or his life depends on the threatening person.
The threatened person is isolated from outsiders so that the only other perspective available to her or him is that of the threatening person.
The threatening person is perceived as showing some degree of kindness to the one being threatened.
It takes only 3 - 4 days for the characteristic bond of the Stockholm Syndrome to emerge when captor and captive are strangers. After that, research shows, the duration of captivity is no longer relevant.
Missionary Syndrome, Many Christian victims believe, “If they can persevere, turn the other cheek, show him the love of Jesus, their actions will save him. Many believe that this is the cross they have been called to bear. One Christian lady said; “I don’t think domestic violence is any worse than what the disciples went through, after all Job had a hard time, my reward will be in heaven.” Jesus would not allow a woman who did wrong by committing adultery to be stoned, so he is never going to condone Domestic Violence. “Battered into Submission”, by J & P Alsdurf.
Deficient Confidence, The self-esteem of most women who have suffered abuse is damaged to the point that they no longer have any confidence in their own abilities to do something about their abuse and believe that they have no other option other than suffer in silence.
Pleasure in Pain, ‘Freud’ even goes as far as to suggest that women are the cause of Domestic Violence because their basic instinct is masochistic, therefore, women are ‘asking for it’.
“Why on earth don’t you just leave?”
The explanations victims give as to why they stay in domestic violence situations vary and it is possible to respond with intolerance at what seems minor or insignificant reasons. This is when an understanding of the trap that victims are caught in is vital to continue offering patient and compassionate support. Also, victims need to be reminded that should they change their mind and decide to leave, you will be there to support them.
The following is a list of explanations that victim have provided as to why they have stayed:
Impossible to obtain house transfer
Ignorance of refuge system
Lack of funds
Concern about uprooting children
Ashamed to tell anyone
The situation is often not resolved by leaving - abusive partners will pursue
Risks often increased when she leaves the home
Demoralised
Feel that they are to blame
No confidence to leave - feels no-one else would want her
She may still love him
She believes he will change
She is expected to make the marriage / relationship work
Family members put pressure on her to stay
Escape to where? To poverty? To overcrowded accommodation? An unfamiliar area
May lose job if she moves away
Immigration status - 12 month rule (See Chapter on Class, Race and Domestic Violence)
Racism
Language barriers
Little legal protection
Children will miss their father
Lack of help from agencies such as Housing, Police, DSS etc.
Unwanted attention from authorities
Fears about children being removed
The Pastor puts pressure on her to stay
Leaving is not the Christian thing to do
Does not want a divorce
Save him from shame and embarrassment
Other Christian can’t believe that violence takes place in their home
If abused by a black man may wish to protect him and their community from potentially racist police intervention or surveillance
Risk of deportation
Dependent on husband’s position to claim state benefits
Older women: problems in acknowledging having needs taken seriously
Women with disabilities often cannot physically leave and kept prisoner in own home
Additional barriers of disbelief
Women can also be made disabled by violence they have suffered blinded, deafened, loss use of limbs
Too frightened to leave - loyalty
Wants to save relationship.
*Source Unknown
Even in cases where women simply walk out and refused to tolerate any form of abuse that is being directed at them, or those who stay and attempt to stick it out for the various reasons listed above, Pastors and Church Workers have a divine commission upon their ministry to work towards reconciliation and the preservation of the marriage. So it is vital to avoid the simply militant solution which says “dump him.”
