This teaching is taken from my book “Beaten, Battered, Bruised & Blessed” (Christians Recognizing and Responding to Domestic Violence) more information can be found at www.c21c.org My prayer is it will help you in Pastoral ministry.
Catching Sight of the Signs of Domestic Violence
Social awareness of domestic violence often fails to recognise the extent of the abuse. Media reports of domestic murders tend to give high priority to the present situation, which is often when a person has been killed, they frequently fail to report or highlight the years of domestic violence that women and/or children suffer before they either hit back or are killed.
Because of the misrepresentation of the issues involved in domestic violence it is important to recognize the signs and symptoms of domestic violence, particularly if you are concerned about the domestic circumstances of a woman. However, it would be wise not to jump to conclusions and bear in mind there may be another and reasonable explanation to the following.
David in Psalm 140 clearly knew what it was to live with the threat of violence;
Rescue me, O LORD, from evil men; protect me from men of violence, who devise evil plans in their hearts and stir up war every day. They make their tongues as sharp as a serpent’s; the poison of vipers is on their lips. Keep me, O LORD, from the hands of the wicked; protect me from men of violence who plan to trip my feet.
Signs of Physical Injuries
If a woman has a noticeable physical injury, enquire about it with sensitivity. Don’t close your eyes to it. Your enquiry may be the opportunity she has been waiting for. She may not have the confidence to talk to someone, she may be thinking no one cares or no one will believe her especially in a church environment. It will be a relief for her to verbalise it. Continue to be sensitive to her embarrassment and don’t push too hard for an explanation, wait for her response don’t jump to the conclusion of your suspicions. She may, because of the control she is under, not want to tell anyone by insisting that her injuries have been caused by an accident. Suggest that you feel there may be another explanation without accusations, assure the woman of your availability to discuss other explanations, in confidence. Respect her decision to remain silent but be observant for the occasion on which she may change her mind. The knowledge that you are there and willing to believe her story can be a factor in coming to the point of taking positive action to break the cycle of abuse.
Violence and violent men is clearly something that God hates and will punish;
The LORD examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates. On the wicked he will rain fiery coals and burning sulphur;
a scorching wind will be their lot. (Ps 11:5-6)
Symptoms of Depression
Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, Prov 12:25
Be watchful for indicators of depression and anxiety which may indicate long term emotional or psychological abuse. These symptoms can be demonstrated in anger, low self esteem, suicidal thoughts or a lack of personal hygiene. Women vary in their reactions to violence in the home. Bear in mind non-physical abuse can have equally devastating effects as physical assault. In communicating the issue of depression or discouragement consider mentioning that a root of a woman’s depression could well be domestic violence
Serial Medical Problems
If you are concerned about a woman’s continual and perhaps unexplainable health problems, this may be an indicator of domestic violence. Does she have chronic complaints of poor health? Does she make frequent visits to the doctors or hospitals? Does she overuse tranquilizers or alcohol or abuse drugs? Does she talk about sleeping difficulties?
Stories of Violence
Listen to how a woman you are concerned for talks about her family background. She may reveal information that she or her partner grew up in a family where the mother was a victim of domestic violence. Domestic violence is sometimes excused “because that’s just the way it is in our family,” so therefore, talking about a family history of domestic violence may well be a victim’s means of justifying the evil of this abuse.
Soliciting Financial Support
The woman you are concerned about may be in a relationship where she suffers economic abuse. The soliciting loans from the church and its members may be an indicator of domestic violence. Enquiries about how much control she has over their finances may help you to discover that the issue may not be one of her poor financial management but that she has limited control over or access to domestic finances. There may well be threats hanging over her, that if she does not provide she will suffer for it, however, she may not have enough money to provide for daily necessities.
Empathizing with the Abused
For many people it is difficult to empathize with domestic violence victims as they have never been a victim. The following describes to some degree what victims feel like.
ISOLATED----because he wanted me for himself and nobody could come to my house to see me, not even my family.
FRUSTRATED----as I didn’t know which way to turn for help, or even how to go the correct way about leaving him, i.e. timing, places of help, money etc.
CONFUSED----lost all my confidence and he got me to think the same way he thought because he brainwashed me.
FRIGHTENED----because I knew that he had full control over me and I knew that I was guaranteed at least one beating every day.
HELPLESS----due to the fact that he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, control his temper and he had already had one of his previous girlfriends in Intensive Care and she was unrecognisable!
I felt like a LIAR because for some reason - probably due to fear - I always made excuses for him to people who cared for me.
BETRAYED----he always promised me that he would never hit me again. I always tried to trust him but he continually let me down, day after day.
I felt WEAK because there was no way I could fight him back, even though I tried.
I lost TRUST in everyone because I trusted him in the beginning and it got me nowhere.
I not only felt SORRY for myself but also for my family because everything was out of control and my life really plummeted.
I felt not only physically and mentally ABUSED but I felt as though he had some sort of power over me which I cannot explain, i.e. He would say “I know where you go and who you talk to” and at the time I thought he had the powers to find this out.
USELESS -I no longer had any say in anything that concerned me as all the decisions were made by him, but if things backfired he blamed them on me.
I felt I was to blame for everything and sometimes it made me feel STUPID.
Sometimes I would feel SORRY for him, when he had problems at College, work or any problems in general.
I felt like a FOOL because despite everything he was inflicting on me I always stood by him and tried to get him all the help I could, i.e. Drugs Counsellor, Psychiatric Doctors.
I even encouraged him to go to College and he always said “if you mess this up for me you’ll suffer!” When he said this he wasn’t only threatening me but also he was BLACKMAILING me.
I always felt that he was spying on me because he always knew where I had been.
I felt numb because I always seemed to be walking round in a state of shock after many of his beatings.
I was always ON EDGE waiting for the next fist, foot or weapon.
He always made me feel like a LOSER because he always told me “There’s only one winner and one loser, and you’re the loser and you always will be!”
He made me very PARANOID and TENSE.
*Source Unknown
If Pastors and Church Workers are going to catch sight of domestic violence in a person’s life they will need to be more than simply observant, they will need to be open minded in that they need to be prepared to accept that the perpetrator may be the last person in the world that they would suspect of committing this evil offence.
The fact that there are “Christian Wife Beaters” should not be a surprise as all of the teaching in the New Testament concerning discipline of those who have either committed for example ‘adultery’ or ‘incest’ relates to Christians who have sinned.
If domestic violence is suspected, sensitivity is essential in any approach that is made towards a victim. Mentioning domestic violence in sermons, making it known that you believe it goes on in Christian homes is a means to providing an opportunity for victims to approach you.
PS 140 O LORD, I say to you, “You are my God.” Hear, O LORD, my cry for mercy. O Sovereign LORD, my strong deliverer, who shields my head in the day of battle, do not grant the wicked their desires, O LORD; do not let their plans succeed, or they will become proud.
