This teaching is taken from my book “Beaten, Battered, Bruised & Blessed” (Christians Recognizing and Responding to Domestic Violence) more information can be found at www.c21c.org My prayer is it will help you in Pastoral ministry.
Categories of Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is sometimes referred to as “wife abuse,” “wife battering,” “wife beating” or “wife assault.” It must be borne in mind that domestic violence does not only take place in the marital home, many women in cohabiting relationships are victims of domestic violence and need to be shown the same degree of compassion and support the Church would demonstrate towards a couple who are married.
Domestic Violence is not a domestic argument or conflict. An argument can be a positive act within a relationship with productive outcomes for a couple. Rob Parsons in his book “Love against the Odds” suggests ten rules to how a couple can have a good argument.
When domestic conflict leads to an abuse of male physical power to dominate and control their partner it is domestic violence.
Domestic violence of course involves more than broken bones, the abuse of male power leaves many women with broken spirits. A victim can be broken in many different ways but a victim can only be broken in so many pieces before their whole life is shattered beyond repair. However, the hope of the Gospel compels Ministers and Church workers to confess that God can rebuild and restore the broken hearted. This spiritual dimension of the Church’s mission, coupled with the practical demonstration of the love of Jesus to the disadvantaged and vulnerable, puts the Church in pole position to reach out to victims of domestic violence.
The following categories of domestic violence in practice overlap:
Broken Bones
PHYSICAL ABUSE The most common and visible form of domestic violence involve punches to the face and the body often leading to bruising, bleeding and broken bones.
Physical abuse takes many forms including hitting, punching, pulling hair, slapping, violently grabbing, biting, kicking, breaking bones, bruising, bending fingers back to the point of pain, burning, twisting arms, throwing victims against walls and furniture, throwing objects at the victim and using weapons. A considerable percentage of victims are threatened or assaulted with weapons such as knives, firearms and axes. For many, there is a real and constant threat of death because of the gravity of the abuse.
Often physical abuse can be of such a severe nature it results in broken bones, miscarriages and other serious injuries. Physical abuse at times results in murder. Physical injuries are not always obvious as abusers often make sure the signs of their attacks are hidden under clothing and many victims fearfully comply with their abusers threatening demands to cover up their bruises, bleeding and broken bones.
Physical abuse can also include damaging household goods and furniture in a threatening manner, taunting victims with the damage of sentimental objects, killing pets and denial of basic physical needs, like sleep and/or nutrition and freedom to relax.
Broken Spirit
Prov 1814 The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness. But who can bear a broken spirit?
EMOTIONAL ABUSE;
This form of abuse takes place when one partner intentionally abuses the psychological or emotional dynamics in a relationship, such as the need for love, recognition and acceptance, in order to manipulate and intimidate the other partner.
The abuser constantly undermines his victim, dictating and controlling her, virtually telling her what to think and how to think about herself and others. This abuse leads to a broken spirit robbing the victim of self-worth and self-confidence.
A perpetrator’s actions in emotional abuse include destroying household/personal property, deliberately hurting/injuring/killing domestic pets, deprivation of essential personal needs such as food, sleep, sanitary items etc and using words, comments and names to constantly devalue their victim. These actions are intended to terrorise the victim, stripping her of her self-assurance. For example, a perpetrator’s behaviour may lead his partner to believe she is insane, stupid or useless. The effect of emotional abuse is often a “snowballing” process, building up and occurring over a long period with destructive consequences for the victim’s sense of self.
Secret gestures can often result in victims being tormented, simple acts such as ‘hanging a belt on the back of the door’ ‘undoing a tie’ can all be interpreted by a victim that a beaten is on the way.
Broken Trust
SEXUAL ABUSE
This form of abuse includes the perpetrator forcing his partner to have sadistic degrading sex, forcing her to undress against her wishes and raping her.
Sexual intercourse without permission is sexual assault. Sexual assault may or may not involve physical constraint. Sexual abuse is any unwanted sexual contact. Many men still believe that they have the right to unlimited sexual access to their wives, believing their wife is their sexual property which they can use when they feel like it.
Sexual intercourse is sanctity of the marriage relationship between two people, something special, a demonstration of their love and trust for each other.
Just as extra marital sex destroys the heart of trust between two people in a marriage, sexual abuse breaks intimacy and trust.
Broken Communication
Verbal Abuse This form of abuse consists of disparaging remarks, insults and constant undermining. Verbal abuse makes insulting comments about the victim’s physical attractiveness, making her feel inferior and incompetent compared to him and others. The perpetrator of verbal abuse undermines his victim by constantly referring in his opinion to her inability to cope and/or succeed on her own claiming she is not a good mother, a good wife or a good housekeeper. The continual degrading of verbal abuse breaks a woman’s self-belief; many victims come to believe the abusive descriptions as if they are true and think they are worthless and that the violence is her fault. Verbal abuse also includes threats of physical violence and violent verbal outbursts. This of course terrorises the victim to such an extent that the abuser is in total control without any physical abuse taking place. Threats by a perpetrator to kill a wife and/or the children if she leaves him, are often reported by victims of domestic violence and result in many victims returning to their abuser. The chapter titled “Controlling the Tongue” deals with verbal abuse from a pastoral point of view, the issue of abusing the power of the tongue is not just in relation to gossip, church leaders would do well to open the issue up of the power and abuse of the tongue in the home.
Broken Truth
Spiritual Abuse This form of abuse relates to the control the abuser has over his victim that breaks the honesty and trust a member of a Christian community can place in fellow Christians. Threatening verbal abuse restricts many Christian women from communicating how desperate they are, spiritual abuse robs a victim of the experience biblical teaching such as sharing one another’s burdens “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ” Gal 6:2 and calling for church discipline if the perpetrator is a member of the church (See 1Chr 26:29-32; 2 Chr 19:8-11; Matt 18:15-18; John 20:23).
A second form of spiritual abuse that runs deeper than what takes place in the victim’s home and local church is the misrepresentation of women and their role that has been communicated by the church as an institution. A woman being told by the church to submit despite the abuse, to love and obey their husband/partner despite the beating, to stay till death parts them, is for many victims, a death sentence in itself. One sided male favoured communication of the Word of God is a contradiction of the message of scripture that calls men to love their wives in the same way that Jesus loves His Bride, The Church.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Eph 5:22-24
“Christian perpetrators” abuse and use biblical truth to justify and cover up their abuse, “demanding” and “damping” his wife into unconditional submission.
Male abuse can often result in females finding it difficult to relate to God as He is commonly revealed in male terms.
Broken Financially
Economic Abuse This form of abuse takes place where the man has total control over all domestic finances and refuses to involve his victim in financial decisions. For example, he may not allow the woman to work, or, if she does, he may demand that she hands over her unopened pay packet. Many have to literally beg, borrow and steal money to buy domestic necessities. If the perpetrator gives money for domestic necessities it can often be insufficient and the impossibility to buy more for less is met with verbal and emotional abuse that she is stupid and incompetent with money.
It is a sad comparison that even slaves in New Testament times were allowed to conduct their own personal affairs, earn and save money for themselves, own property, and even own their own slaves, so many victims are worse off than First Century slaves.
Broken Relationships
Social Abuse This form of abuse is when the perpetrator is continually monitoring and controlling his victim’s social activities such as nights out and friendships. Victims are often forced to account for their every movement when out of their perpetrator’s sight. Victims are sometimes denied the right to leave the home to see her friends or to have friends and family round. Perpetrators, in efforts to control their victim at times, will go as far as locking them in the house, throwing away car keys, controlling phone calls their partners can make and receive, even cutting the telephone line to break their victim’s ability to maintain and form relationships. To control their victim the perpetrator often restricts a woman’s ability to purchase new clothes or take clothes away. The perpetrator’s aim is to control the flow of information into and out of the house and his partner’s ability to leave. Social abuse involves constant put-downs in front of friends and family. The product of social abuse for the victim can be humiliation and isolation from friends and family.
King David knew well the isolation that many victims feel as a result of being “cut off” from friends and family;
O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
Ps 85:1-5
As already stated above, categories of domestic abuse overlap in practise, Pastors and Church Workers would therefore be wise to keep in mind that domestic violence is more than physical abuse and some of the issues they seek to minister into such as depression, fear, insecurity, panic attacks may well stem from domestic violence. Of course Pastors and church workers need to be balanced and not fall into the trap of blaming every issue in a woman’s life on domestic abuse, there may well be reasonable explanations for the condition a person is in.
It is obvious that the revelation and wisdom of the Holy Spirit is vital to minister effectively in this post modern world and a constant reliance upon the Holy Spirit is vital if we are to avoid jumping to conclusion and handle the issue with sensible sensitivity.
