WHEN OTHERS HURT YOU
2 TIMOTHY 4:14-15
All our lives we have heard that two things are certain - death and taxes. But another thing needs to be added to that list of sure things - hurts. It is inevitable that as we go through life people will hurt us.
Sometimes they hurt us by accident...sometimes it is intentional. Sometimes they hurt us by what they do...sometimes it’s by what they say. Sometimes the wounds are superficial and heal quickly...at other times they are deep and the scars remain a lifetime. But mark it down somewhere...People Do Hurt Us!
So what do we do when others hurt us? How should we react? This is something we need to know. And the apostle Paul gives us a hint in 2 Timothy 4:14-15...where he talks about a coppersmith named Alexander. (READ)
These verses are part of the biographical writings of Paul...which are really like a page out of his spiritual diary. He is telling Timothy some of his experiences as a missionary and as he does - he mentions a man named Alexander who had hurt him deeply.
Just what did this man do to Paul? Well, we have no idea...and Paul doesn’t give us any specifics...other than the probability that something was said that caused a deep emotional hurt. But it’s obvious that whatever Alexander did to Paul...it was no small, incidental thing. It was something that was deeply hurtful and perhaps done repeatedly.
Yet in spite of this Paul doesn’t dwell on it or make a big stink about it. Now, if you or I had been the one hurt and telling the story, we would have gone into the greatest of detail. We would want everyone to know each minute little morsel of what was done...and how deeply we were hurt by it. But not Paul.
Paul was deeply hurt...but he never felt sorry for himself...he never attempted to gain sympathy for himself...he harbored no anger or bitterness over what happened to him. Somehow, Paul had developed the ability to "remember the best and forget the rest in life."
He simply related the incident to warn Timothy to watch out for Alexander. And by doing this he gives us a biblical example of how to respond to the hurts of life. And I hope we can learn from the life of Paul some truth that will help us at some point in our lives.
You see, what happened to Paul can happen to us. People can and often do hurt us... deeply and repeatedly. They exclude us from their group...fire us from our job...block us from a promotion...they criticize us unjustly...they say things that are harsh and cruel.
The person who wrote, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" obviously never had said about him what I’ve had said about me...or probably what you’ve had said to you - or about you. Because words spoken harshly and critically can wound deeply.
And when things like that happen we need to know what to do...we need to know how to respond. What do we do when people hurt us? I believe that this experience from the life of Paul will help us to know what to do and how to respond.
There are three things I want to look at this morning from the example of Paul. First, when others hurt us, we should not be surprised. Hurts are a normal part of life. We should expect them. Second, we should not allow hurts to fester into bitterness and resentment. We must learn to remember the best and forget the rest. Finally, we shouldn’t try to get even with the one who has hurt us. We should leave vengeance to God.
So...What do we do when people hurt us? First, don’t be surprised. Paul mentions this experience with Alexander in such a "matter of fact" way that we know it was a normal part of life. And he accepted hurts as part of the price of living and serving God.
Now, many people are hypersensitive to jealousy and criticism. They are extremely touchy when some kind of adverse judgment or comments are leveled at them. The least bit of adversity sets them off. But the normal person comes closer to taking criticism for granted and regards appreciation as gold. Most understand that hurts are a part of life and when we have a well integrated personality we’ll accept them without surprise.
Some years ago President Bush Sr. was hospitalized with what first was feared to be a heart attack. Immediately the critics began a verbal attack on V.P. Quayle. And despite the fact that the President said Quayle was doing a first class job, opponents severely questioned his ability to lead the nation if the President should be incapacitated. Even Quayle’s children had to defend their father against critics.
And what was Dan Quayle’s response. He said, "The press barbs and TV jokes hurt. No one likes ridicule - especially the proud person that I am. But it goes with the territory. So I will plow ahead and ignore it. Since it’s free and unsolicited, I have the privilege of ignoring it." I like that. And we always have the choice of making the same kind of response to those who hurt us.
There was once a young man who verbally attacked a wise old man...a man who responded this way..."Son, if someone offers me a present and I decline to accept it - who does it then belong to? The young man said, "To the one who offered it"...The old man said, "That is right...and just like that, I decline to accept your abuse."
The world is full of people who establish their worth by degrading others. They have pockets and purses full of put-downs...and they’ll give them out to anyone. But we can refuse to accept their insults...even when they are tossed at us in the guise of love.
By ignoring them, you’ll reduce tension...strengthen your relationships...and increase your joy. But just remember...hurts are a fact of life. They come to everybody. So when it happens to you - don’t be surprised!
The next thing we need to see is that when others hurt you - you can become better...or bitter. The sad thing is that often people become bitter and resentful. But as we look at Paul again as our example, we can see that he obviously forgave and no longer dwelt on it.
You’ll notice that Paul doesn’t elaborate on what Alexander did to him. He simply relates the experience as a warning to Timothy and then quickly moves on to other matters. There is no nursing or rehearsing of the evil deed on Paul’s part. There is no hint of bitterness or resentment in his heart.
One of the surest signs that a hurt has turned to bitterness and resentment is that we keep reviewing in our mind and rehashing in our conversation the wrong we have suffered. And there are plenty of people who do that.
But the effects of hate and bitterness are deadly. They are like acid. They do more damage in the vessel that stores it than the object they are poured on. Physically they increase your blood pressure...emotionally they contribute to depression...spiritually they hinder worship and prayer...and socially they make you a sourpuss and unpleasant to be around.
I read of a man named John who was a sweet little boy with a pleasant personality...a real delight to be around. But by the time he reached retirement age he had become the community crank. He had a sour personality - full of cynicism and suspicion.
Over the years sweet little Johnny turned into a cranky old buzzard. One day when his wife asked him how he wanted his eggs cooked for breakfast he said, "I want one boiled and one fried." When she brought them to him he grumbled that she boiled the wrong one.
Have you ever run across someone who was so down on life that they are painful to be around? How did they get this way? That negative spirit is nothing more than an outward reflection of the bottled up resentment they keep inside. And it doesn’t take very long for some people to get to this stage.
Carrying a grudge is a loser’s game. It is the ultimate frustration because it leaves you with more pain than you had in the first place. If you don’t forgive those who wrong you, then you allow them to hurt you more than once. They hurt you once...and they hurt you again every time you recall it. Your memory becomes a videotape in your soul that plays unending reruns of your pain.
In August of 1974 President Richard Nixon walked into the White House press room to resign because of the Watergate scandal and he said something to each of us..."Don’t ever hate anyone, because when you hate them - they’ve got you."
Dr. S.I. McMillen said, "The moment I start hating a man...or build resentment...I become a slave. I can’t enjoy my work anymore because that person even controls my thoughts. My resentments produce too many stress hormones in my body and I become fatigued after only a few hours of work. The work I used to perform now becomes a drudgery...even vacations cease to give me pleasure. The man I resent hounds me wherever I go. I can’t escape his grip on my mind."
The only way to heal the pain of a past hurt is to forgive the person who hurt you. But why is forgiveness so important? When you release the wrongdoer from the wrong...it’s like cutting a malignant tumor out of your inner life. You set a prisoner free -- yourself. And you’ll find it heals your memory as you change your perspective.
And it’s the only way to break the cycle of blame and pain in a relationship. As long as we don’t forgive, the cycle goes on and on. Now - forgiveness breaks the cycle...but it doesn’t settle all the questions about blame...and justice...and fairness.
In fact, it often evades those questions. But it does allow relationships to start over. So when others hurt you don’t allow their wrong to put in you a root of bitterness and resentment. Forgive the one who hurt you so you can heal and be whole again.
There is a third thing I also want to look at ... one that requires a real act of faith. And that is this - Don’t Play God! Don’t seek revenge. Leave that to the Lord.
It is said that the grizzly bear can whip almost any animal in the West. But there is one animal the grizzly will allow to eat with him...even though he resents the intrusion. Do you know what that animal is? The Skunk.
The grizzly deeply resents the skunk’s intrusion...but he’s decided it would be better to co-exist than to pay the high price of getting even. The moral of this story is this: Don’t retaliate when someone hurts you. All you’ll succeed in doing is creating a big stink.
The apostle Paul says about Alexander, "The Lord will repay him for what he has done." In this verse we see the original Greek translated perfectly...because this statement doesn’t express a wish or a desire. It’s not "I hope God gets him for this..." or anything like that.
What Paul says here is a statement of fact. He is so convinced of the ultimate justice of God that he has no concern whatsoever about getting even with Alexander. God will do that. And Paul is willing to trust God’s scales of justice.
You see, in the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith for all of us. By forgiving another, we are simply trusting that God is better at meeting out justice than we are. By forgiving ... we leave it to God to settle issues of fairness...we defer to Him the scales of justice. Because if we try to get even -- we are playing God.
But let me tell you that is easier said than done. There is a popular saying when someone hurts you: "I don’t get mad, I get even." And that is really our natural inclination. That’s the way I sometimes feel when others hurt me...I want to hurt them back.
But the Scriptures are clear...especially in Romans 12, where we find a big list of things to either do or not do. We are to hate evil...be joyful...live in harmony...not be conceited...and then we come to verse 19 where it says:
"Do not take revenge my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ’It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord."
I think one of the greatest examples of this is found in the life of Joseph. When he was 17 years old he was sold into slavery by his brothers. The slave traders who bought him carried him into Egypt where he became the property of Potiphar, captain of Pharaoh’s guard.
But God prospered him and in time he rose to such great prominence that he was second in authority only to the Pharaoh. When years of famine came to that part of the world, his brothers traveled to Egypt to buy grain.
When Joseph recognized them and revealed himself to them they were afraid of him. They were sure he would repay them for what they had done to him. But Joseph convinced them he wasn’t after revenge and persuaded them to move their father and all their families to Egypt to escape the great famine.
Well, eventually their father died and was taken back to Canaan for burial. But with their father gone...the old fears of the brothers came back. They were sure that since their dad was dead that Joseph would now get his revenge.
But once again, Joseph reassured them with some of the greatest words in the Old Testament. It’s found in Genesis 50:19-21 (READ)
The person who tries to repay evil for evil...and wrong for wrong --whether by withholding forgiveness or seeking some way to get even -- is consciously or unconsciously playing God.
Joseph...like Paul...had such an absolute confidence in the justice and fairness of God that he was willing to leave the hurts of life in God’s hands. That’s what we should do. But Jesus Himself is our everlasting example.
Look with me at 1 Peter 2:23 and see what Peter says about Jesus. (READ)
That is Christ’s way...that should be our way.
.....Some this morning who need to take to heart the example of Paul. Some carrying around the effects of hurts that can ruin your health...wreck your marriage...and upset your peace of mind...just because we carry around a grudge...wanting to make that person’s life as miserable as yours is.
But that is totally absurd. The hate or resentment or bitterness that we hold is somehow supposed to make that person unhappy. And the truth of the matter is that our offender probably couldn’t care less what we think or feel.
We need to turn it all over to God. Settling the score or holding on to hurts is not our prerogative. God alone is to be the judge. And whether He chooses to punish...or forgive, is strictly His business. We need to surrender it all... ( Go to closing hymn.... )
