The Ministry of Christian Marriage
Joshua 24:14-15 and Colossians 3:12-17
Les and Leslie Parrott tell the story of Jennifer and Michael. After graduating from college, they married and began their individual career pursuits- she as an account executive and he as a social worker. They had put off having children until they were more settled and financially secure. Now married for ten years, Jennifer began questioning her love for Michael. Love’s intoxication and passion had all but evaporated. “How can we have a baby when I don’t even know if I still love Michael?....I am closer to Michael than anyone but it feels like we are good friends rather than lovers.” Every marriage reaches a point when the love fires burn low and the passion has eroded. In times like these, questions can begin to arise about our marriage and our love for our spouse.
Here’s the mistake that most people make when it comes to love: they believe it’s about how you feel. We’ve all been there at the beginning of the relationship when eros or passionate love dominates your thoughts, efforts and time. It’s that spine-tingling, sensual emotion which draw us to one another. It encompasses the sensual and the sexual, and is characterized by physiological arousal and the desire for physical affection. And so love is looked at as how you feel. And when that feeling diminishes, people begin to think the love is gone. There’s the story of a woman and her husband who came to a pastor and said, "We’re going to get a divorce, but we want to come to make sure that you approve of it." Rather than giving his approval, the pastor said to the husband, "The Bible says you’re to love your wife as Jesus Christ loved the church." He says, "Oh, I can’t do that." The pastor says, "If you can’t begin at that level, then begin on a lower level. You’re supposed to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Can you at least love her as you would love a neighbor?" The husband says, "No. That’s still too high a level." The pastor says, "The Bible says, Love your enemies. Begin there."
When it comes to love in our lives, we need to quit focusing on our feelings and instead focus on the mission. There are times in every relationship where you’re going to feel high levels of passionate love for one another. But there are also times when you are going to feel that you’re not in love, passionate love, with your spouse anymore. The question becomes, “What are you going to do then?” Many couples pack up their bags and leave the relationship but the call of marriage is to much more. Christian marriage is a sacred calling for two people to live a lifetime of ministry one to the other. To be a Christian means to believe, to trust and to follow Christ. In other words, it means to place Christ first in your life and to seek to do his will above all others.
A Christian Marriage isn’t just about the husband and wife. What happens in many lives is that we are focused on ourselves. We live in the I-It realm where the people in my life are looked at as what they can do and provide for me. But the third part of a Christian marriage, Jesus, calls us to much more. Too often we’re not focused on the cross but on other things: our careers, our dreams, our hopes, our needs, our goals. As a result, you have one person going one way and the other person going another. You’ve seen this in your friends and families who have divorced and when asked why, they respond, “We just grew apart.” No, you didn’t just grow apart. You took small steps in individual directions which followed one after another until you were no longer the same people wanting the same things.
But there’s a third party involved and that’s Jesus. When two people in Christian marriage say our primary purpose in life is to serve Jesus, to do His will and to be His representative here on earth, including to my spouse, then everything suddenly changes. It’s no longer about me, or my dreams, my hopes, my needs, and my goals. It’s about Jesus and His will for my life and our marriage. It’s about choosing to follow Christ together. It’s about together putting Him first in your life and seeking to do his will for each other and for your marriage.
When you do then you can be like Joshua. In our Scripture passage today, Joshua is now an old man and is standing before the Israelites who have been called together. He assures them that although the holy land is not yet fully conquered, God has always been faithful to his promises and will give them the land as promised. Standing in the midst of a future not yet realized, Joshua says the people have a decision to make: to either be faithful and committed to the gods of the world or to the one true Lord. He then concludes with this declaration, “But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." And that’s really the choice every couple needs to make: for whom are you going to live, who are you going to serve and who are you going to worship? Thus far, we have talked about how men and women were meant for one another and how couples bond with each other through meeting one another’s needs and loving each other sacrificially. But what sets a Christian marriage apart from all the others is the most important bonding of all: spiritual bonding. It’s realizing that a shared faith and commitment to Jesus Christ provides a love and a glue which is stronger than anything else in marriage.
Most people expect marriage and their spouse to quench their soulful longing for wholeness. They rely on their spouse for continual support, assurance, wholeness and happiness. But for many, the deep, restless aching arises again. Les and Leslie Parrott tell the story of Roy and Pauline who had done everything to prepare themselves for marriage from pre-martial counseling, to conflict resolution to reading books and attending marriage retreats but the relationship still felt empty to them. “Knowingly or not, Roy and Pauline were yearning to be soulmates. Couples eventually discover an innate longing to bond (spiritually)…..Sharing life’s spiritual journey is the spiritual call of soul mates and every couple must answer that call or risk a stunted, underdeveloped marriage. Like yeast in a loaf of bread, spirituality will ultimately determine whether your marriage will rise successfully or fall disappointingly flat. The spiritual dimension of marriage is the food for marital growth and health.”
Without a faith journey, the marriage is marked by superficiality. The desperate need of most marriages is not for more excitement, more glitz, more possessions or more activity. It’s for spiritual depth. That’s accomplished in four ways. First is through shared worship. Studies have found that couples who worship together increase their chances of staying married for life. Worship has a way of focusing you both on Jesus and the role and place He should have in your life together. Second is shared Bible study. This should be as a couple and in a group Bible study. Studying God’s word brings his guidance and His will into your life and your marriage. Suddenly, God is allowed to speak and direct your life together through His Word.
Third is pray together. There’s the story of a young married couple who decided to start their life together in prayer. When they got to the honeymoon suite and prepared for their honeymoon night, the wife asked her husband if they should say a prayer to start their life together. Not knowing what to say, he prayed the only words which came to mind, “Lord, for this we are about to receive, we give you thanks.” A recent Gallop survey found that happiness in marriage is better predicted by how often a couple prays together than by how often they make love. The authors write, “In our sex obsessed society, what used to be considered intimate acts between men and women have taken on a predictable, almost expected sameness. But nothing reveals the deep longings and soul-searchings of praying together.” One study found that couples where at last one partner seriously considered divorce but who have since reconciled, 85% engaged in joint prayer. Couples who pray together have greater respect for their mate, agree more on how to raise children, are more playful, believe their mate is a skilled lover and have a higher degree of overall marital satisfaction.
Fourth is serving together. It is so easy to become self-centered in this day and age. There is something about reaching out together in helping others. It promotes humility, sharing, compassion, intimacy and an appreciation for what you have in life and in each other. Decades of research have demonstrated that couples highly involved in their faith have the happiest marriages. So worship together, study God’s word together, pray together and serve together. Only when you draw closer to God are you able to then become the disciple and minister God intended you to be.
And that leads to the calling of marriage: You are called to be a minister in your Christian marriage. As a minister, you are called to be a servant to your spouse, to be the presence, hand and voice of God in the midst of their lives. Wives, you are meant to be your husband’s personal minister and to help him become all that God intended him to be. Husbands, you are meant to be your wife’s personal minister and to help her become all that God intended her to be. How can we do that?
First is the ministry of encouragement. The last few weeks we learned that both men and women have a need for encouragement. To encourage someone means to fill them with courage to takes risks for God, to face the challenges and do what is right and to pursue the will of God. It means to bless them with your lips and speak well of them to other people. It means to build them up rather than tear them down and to always stand behind them in their endeavors, cheering them on.
Second is the ministry of compassion. The word compassion in Greek, patti cum, means to suffer with. The ministry of compassion means to come alongside and listen to what’s happening in your spouse’s life and to feel what they are feeling. It means you don’t have to have all the right answers, you just have to have the right heart as you reach out to them and let them know they are understood and cared for. It includes what Paul speaks of in Colossians “kindness, humility, meekness and patience.”
Third is the ministry of forgiveness. The Apostle Paul calls us to “Forgive as the Father forgave you.” Probably the three most important words in a marriage are not “I love you” but “I am sorry.” Peter J. Larson writes about a recent survey which found that as much as 1/3 of marital satisfaction is related to forgiveness. Not only does the ability to forgive impact the marriage relationship, it was significantly related to personal emotional distress. As forgiveness ability went up, individuals reported fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety, and fatigue! These results suggest that all people should develop the skill of forgiveness.
Fourth is the ministry of affection and sexual intimacy. Men, she is in need of your affection. This may not come naturally to you but the card you give, the flowers you send, and the “I love you” said at unexpected moments goes a long way to making her feel and know she is safe and secure with you. One woman was asked to give advice to other married couples and said this, “Husbands, don’t be afraid to cherish your wife. It’ll pay off big time1” Husbands, you are ministering to your wife when you shower her with your affection. It is a ministry which will bless her and strengthen her heart. Wives, the ministry of sexuality is the way your husband experiences intimacy. Sexual intimacy allows him to see and feel that you want him, long for him and love him. It tells him something about your feelings for him but also something about his feelings for you. It is much deeper than feeling pleasure. It has to do with how a man feels about himself and his need to be needed.
Fifth is the ministry of listening and sharing. James says, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.” God gave you two ears and one mouth as a reminder that you should listen twice as much as you speak. Listening to your spouse tells them they are important and valued, that you care about their opinion, thoughts and feelings. It says in a profound way that you value them as a human being. But make sure to find the right time for both of you when it comes to talking about deep things. Ladies, don’t come to us and talk about deep things during the Saints game or right when we get home. I remember the first year of marriage to Giovanna that she would bring up these important things which she wanted to discuss and it was always after 9 PM. That’s the time when I start settling for the day and sa every conversation ended in a fight until finally, our of exasperation I said, “Can we talk about these important things at any other time than just before we go to sleep?” Each couple needs to find the right time to talk seriously.
Sixth is the ministry of Sabbath and renewal. God commanded us to keep the Sabbath and keep it holy. The Sabbath is meant to be a time when we devote ourselves to God but also to a day of rest. To be renewed and strengthened, we have to have days of rest as a part of our lives. But we also need to have those days for our marriage as well. You need time away to be a better wife and husband, to enable you to be more affectionate towards each other and to renew your love and relationship. The more you invest in each other and your relationship, the better parents you will be. That may mean date nights. It may mean a weekend away from the kids. It might even mean a childless vacation. In fact, the greatest gift you can give to your children is a healthy, strong and growing marriage.
Seventh is the ministry of values and priorities. The world says it should be you first, job second, and everything else falls below that. But a Christian marriage recognizes that it should be God first, your spouse second, children third, other people fourth, the church is fifth and then comes your job. The best blessing you can give is to make God first in your life and then live out his will by placing your spouse above all others. Carl Pickens was interviewed a few years ago. “I never envied Elvis’ mansion and all that. All those boys- Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Roy Orbison- thay all lost their wives and their families. People say, “What happened to you, Carl. All of them went on to superstardom. Where’d you go? And I say, I went home. And that’s a good place to be.” Amen.
