How to affair proof your marriage
Home Improvement Series Part 2 ‘Exodus 20:14’
‘You shall not commit adultery’
Video Clip ‘I do.’
Like the video portrayed a lot of us have flunked commitment and sex. Others of us are in danger of flunking commitment and sex. Were talking about this commandment today ‘you shall not commit adultery.’
The mere mention of this causes pain and heartache for many.
The purpose of today’s message is not to resurrect the past. If you have repented and confessed your sins God has forgiven you. If you feel guilty after confessing that guilt is from Satan. His desire is to beat you down, to make you feel lower than a snake’s navel, keeping you ineffective for Jesus kingdom work.
Some of you have been involved in adultery, either in the flesh, in your mind, Romance novels, or the Internet. It is all adultery. Jesus said “You have heard that it was said, ’Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:27-28).”
By the power of the Holy Spirit Jesus wants to release you and set you free.
This message then, is to free those who have stepped on this minefield, and prevent the rest from being imploded.
Teenagers and young adults, this message is also for you.
One the players for the Charlotte Hornets, Bobby Phillys, left practice one day in his Porsche and started to race a teammate down a nearby road, reaching speeds of almost 100 mph. Sadly, he topped a hill, slid through an intersection, and was killed. Ask people, “Is drag racing a sin?” Invariably, the answer is a resounding, “Yes.” Then ask them, “O.K., then is it a sin to drag race at the Indianapolis 500?” ANSWER: “Well, no, I guess not.”
So is drag racing sin, yes or no? Drag racing is a sin on a public road; it’s not a sin at a racetrack built for that purpose. Similarly, sex is not a sin if one has sex within God’s guidelines, one man and one woman in marriage. Outside of God’s guidelines, sex only leads to ugliness and death (Proverbs 5:11-14).
Whenever God says a negative He always has a positive purpose behind it. It is not to cause you pain. It is for your protection. God says when you play by the rules you win. God says "You shall not commit adultery."
Nothing destroys a family faster than adultery. God says this is My protection plan. I don’t want you committing adultery.
God invented sex. What a great God. But like everything it must be controlled and limited. All of God’s gifts have limitations. God has given us the gift of water. You can’t live without water. But too much of it and you’ll drown. God has given us fire. Fire can either warm you or burn you.
God says I’ve given you a drive called sex. Properly controlled and expressed within marriage it’s beautiful and fantastic. But outside of marriage it is destructive and detrimental to your health -- emotionally, spiritually, in every way.
God wants us to use sex as a tool for building a marriage not to destroy it (Hebrews 13:5).
It’s easier to get married than to stay married. In Red Lake area there are permissive values that basically say anything goes. Sex is used to sell everything from cars to toothpaste. The media bombards us. We don’t stand a chance of remaining pure unless we follow God’s guidelines for our lives. Readers Digest did a study and said fifty percent of all husbands and probably 35% of all wives have committed adultery. This is happening even among Christians. The Bible say adultery is a trap.
Today were looking at six steps on how to affair proof your marriage.
1. MAKE A COMMITMENT TO GOD’S STANDARDS.
Regardless of your past, regardless of your failures say today, I’m going to make a commitment to maintain God’s standards. That means I agree with God about what He says about sex. God’s standards have never, ever changed. The Bible says that sex is for marriage only -- not before marriage, not outside of marriage. Marriage is for one man for one woman. That is in our constitution, will be on the WEBSITE, and our messages.
Ps. 119:9 "How can a person keep his way pure?" The answer is by living according to..." culture. No! but "by living according to Your word." God’s standard is very clear in His word.
Adultery is never OK, there is no justification for it, no matter what your background is. Joseph in the Old Testament was seduced by Potipher’s wife; he had every reason in the world to give in to that temptation - - I’m young, I’m single, I’m in a foreign country, it’s an acceptable practice in this society, she wants it, my desires want it, I’ve been abused, my mother died when I was young, my father was over-indulgent to me, my brothers hated me and sold me into slavery – sound like a dysfunctional family, Joseph was deprived of love. Instead he said "I will not sin against my God." The Bible says when he was tempted he turned and ran. The Bible gives us this example because like Joseph we need to run.
You say "but my wife/husband is not meeting my needs." It is not excuse. In 1984-1985 when Evelyn lost three babies she had problem pregnancies and was ill and depressed. There was no way she could meet all of my needs in that period of time. But that was no excuse for me to go out and sin. None at all.
Proverbs says "Be faithful to your own wife. Give your love to her alone." This is not a suggestion. It is a commandment. At the end of this service I am going to ask couples and singles to publicly affirm God’s standard. Starting today I have decided that by God’s grace regardless of what you do I will never be unfaithful to you. It’s my choice. It’s my decision. That’s the starting point.
You need to affirm that same thing to your friends, relatives, and co-workers so their clear where you stand on this issue.
Most of you know I am hopelessly in love with Evy. When we were younger we had stresses in our home and marriage. But that never changed my love for her. You can say anything negative to me. You can tell me you don’t like me or the way I lead this church. But don’t you dare say something negative to me about my dear wife. The wrath of God will come out. I want there to be no doubt where I stand. I say to the people around me, "I’m not available. I’m off the market. It’s non negotiable. Don’t even think about flirting with me."
2. MAGNIFY THE CONSEQUENCES
Remind yourself of the devastation and destruction that is caused by sexual sin. Prov. 6:32 "The one who commits adultery is an utter fool for he destroys his own soul." Nothing damages emotions like sexual sin. Nothing. Sexual sin leaves permanent scars. That reminder is really easy in my line of work. I see the pain all the time. I saw the pain and devastation in all my nieces and nephews. All three of my sisters married men my parents said don’t marry, and all three were divorced.
I can’t tell you as a pastor how many people I’ve talked to that have wept saying "I wish I could just turn the clock back. I wish I could just erase it and start over." My own sister told me that. Jesus said if your eye causes you to sin it’s better to lose an eye than your soul. Don’t choose to destroy your own soul.
Prov. 6:26 "Adultery will cost a man all that he has." Remember Esau who was hungry. He sold his birthright, his inheritance, for a bowl of porridge. The cost is high. About Esau the Bible says (Hebrews 12:17).
Many of you are in difficult marriages. You’re struggling and having a tough time. It’s not satisfying and you’re looking around. The cost of maintaining, restoring and repairing your marriage will be high. But the cost of adultery is always higher and more painful. Everybody loses.
I’ve been married to my wife for 28 years and by God’s grace I intend to be faithful to her for as long as I live. Why? Three reasons:
1. I love Jesus Christ. I owe Him my life. He died for me. I would never go to heaven if not for Jesus. Jesus said, "If you love Me, keep My commandments." There’s no doubt that God says no to sex outside of marriage.
2. I love my wife, children and grandchildren. The thought of hurting them and what that would do to them is almost unbearable for me to even think of. The Bible says the sins of the parents are passed on to the third and fourth generation.
3. I fear the judgment of God. This healthy fear we ought to have. The Bible says, you don’t do this and get away with it (Hebrews 11:26-27).
We reap what we sow. One day you will explain to God why you chose to do what He said not to do. "God will judge those who are immoral and those who commit adultery." Yes there is forgiveness but we don’t get away with it.
You say, God wants me to be happy. Yes, that’s why He gave this rule. He knows better than we do. Adultery is not love but selfishness. It’s saying "I’m going to put my pleasure ahead of everything else -- ahead of what God says, ahead of what it will do to my husband or wife, ahead of what it will do to my family, ahead of what it will do to her or his family, ahead of what it will do to his/her wife/husband." That is selfishness, not love.
I’m worried about Canada. If we had politicians with courage they would speak about this. Health officials don’t parade around the schools handing out “Sex is worth the wait” buttons. On the contrary, many schools hand out condoms. Something that was once seen as morally wrong is now expected even encouraged, as long as one tries to avoid disease. Schools encourage promiscuity. They’re saying we know you’re going to do this anyway so let me show you how to do it safely. Kids aren’t that smart. They need to be told what God says is right and wrong.
3. MAINTAIN YOUR MARRIAGE
A growing relationship to your spouse will reduce the pull and attraction of adultery. I Cor. 7:3 "A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, a wife should fulfill her duty as a wife and each should satisfy the other’s needs." What kind of needs are we talking about? Sexual needs.
Dr. Willard Harley, a counselor identified through thousands of couples what he thinks are the top 5 needs of most men and the top 5 needs of most women. See if you see any similarities between these two lists:
The top five needs of most men are:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration
The top five needs of most women are:
1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and openness
4. Financial support
5. Family commitment
Did you see any similarities between those two lists? There are none. That’s why we have so much trouble adjusting in marriage. Men come in to marriage thinking they’ve married someone just like them. They set about trying to meet the needs they have through their wife and feel very, very frustrated when she does not respond the same way he does.
Most women come into marriage thinking they’ve married someone very much like themselves. They set about to meet the needs that they have in a man and cannot understand why he does not respond the same way she does.
How do we begin to bridge that gap? Let’s get serious and learn what our spouse needs. In a healthy marriage you live for the other person, to meet their needs. This will go a long way in protecting your marriage.
One of the biggest problem areas for most marriages is the physical relationship. The Bible says I Cor. 7:5 "Do not cheat each other of normal sexual intercourse or you will expose yourselves to the obvious temptation of Satan." The Bible says sex is a spiritual responsibility in marriage and to deny or to restrict each other is asking for trouble. Don’t do it. If sex is too painful go and see your doctor. Get some help.
A scientific survey was done to discover what days most men like to make love. They discovered that they like days that begin with T -- Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Tatursday, and Tunday. We can laugh about it but we know it to be true.
My aunts and uncles, although few are alive stood before a priest. They realized they were committing to an exclusive relationship for life. Not one of them divorced. I respected them for that.
Unfortunately many men and women feel cheated. They feel like they’ve gotten a raw deal. Their needs are so different. There’s conflict in their sexual relations. Here’s a decision that each of us needs to make: if my mate is going to have a good lover in his or her life I’m going to be it.
In our marriage were trying to meet each others needs. Were not perfect and have some struggles. We know God meant us to be together and I would be a fool to be interested in anybody else. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence.
The goal we have in our marriage is to be best friends. Why? Why do we make such a big deal about being best friends? Mary Alda, the wife of Alan Alda, the actor, one time said, "It’s real easy to leave your spouse. It’s not easy to leave your best friend." Evy and I are best friends because we want to stay together the rest of our lives.
How do you build a friendship?
Time
Time
Time
You cannot be best friends with someone you don’t spend time with, talk to or tell your heart to. We spend evenings together. We go to HOME group together. We make major decisions together. We found a great bed and breakfast in Kenora together. We have some friends for fun times together. We serve the Lord together. We pray together. We share insights from books and the Bible together. Were best friends.
4. MANAGE MY MIND
People don’t just fall into immorality. There is really no such thing as a one-night stand. It seems that way, but you are not a moral, upright person today and by tomorrow you fall into immorality. There’s a process, a whole series of events, about how we fall.
Step one. Accepting sinful thoughts in my mind (James 1:14-15)
The battle for any temptation in our life begins in our mind. What you think about, you’ll eventually feel and what you feel you’ll eventually act on.
These evil thoughts lead to evil actions, and afterwards to death."
The problem is, and I have talked to so many people in the years of ministry, most Christians will not get serious about their minds. They wonder what the big deal is. Why does Randy make such a big deal all the time about guarding our thoughts, watching certain movies, TV shows? What’s the big deal? I can handle it. It doesn’t bother me.
That is such a lie. You are being deceived if you think that to be true. The battle begins in your mind. You become what you think about. If you think about positive, good, happy, loving, kind things, that’s the way you will act. if you think lustful, dirty, trashy, obscene thoughts, that’s the kind of person you will become. It’s impossible not to be affected by what you let into my mind.
Many of us have garburators in our kitchens and garbage dispensers in our living rooms -- the TV, and also the Internet. Cable TV is one of the biggest dispensers of garbage that we allow into our homes. It’s really naive of us to do that.
Rom. 16:19 "I want you to be wise about what is good and innocent about evil." It’s sad but most of us are the exact opposite. We are so wise and knowledgeable about what is evil and innocent, ignorant about what is good. That’s not God’s way and it will lead you in the process of immorality if you don’t control your own thoughts.
Some of you have poor marriages. You have shared that with me. Others also do but you’re not honest. Some of you are very, very miserable.
You must have boundaries. When I worked for the municipality in Calgary I worked with 150 social workers. Many were young attractive women. Many of them were flirts. I would often close my door during the day. If you didn’t they would come into your office to say there were no pens in the file cabinet or the photocopier had a jam. What an excuse. Imagine someone with a master’s degree in Social Work who cannot take a jammed piece of paper out of the copier. So I would often close my door. That office was a very dangerous situation. Fortunately, by God’s grace, I stayed pure and away from them. I chose to go on lunch hour prayer walks with a godly friend, Randy Martin.
The point I’m trying to make is this: What if I would have flirted with those female social workers? The story could have had a very different ending. I might not be standing here today telling you how much I love my wife, how grateful I am for my life. Those situations that come into your mind, those relationships, those thoughts, they are not harmless.
They are not innocent. If they are not dealt with they will lead to all kinds of trouble and heartache in your life. It can start right at the post office when you pick up the mail. Be careful and be aware. When I stood in the Buffalo Coffee shop they talked about the fall and how many marriage break-ups there are. One woman said ‘the thought of spending another winter with my husband is too much.”
We need to get serious about our minds. We have to decide that we are going to limit the movies we rent. There are some TV shows you can’t watch. Most TV shows glamorize sex and adultery. Some books you can’t read. Some CDs you shouldn’t listen to. Some concerts you shouldn’t go to. Places you shouldn’t go to because they feed into temptation in your mind. If you are wise, if you are smart, you will stop the battle ground right there. If you don’t, it can lead to the next step.
What do Christians do with their fantasies? Deny them? Repress them? I think Scripture tells us we are to turn them into the positive. If you are married, turn that sexual energy into your marriage. If love is the motivating force behind those fantasies the sky’s the limit and with God’s blessing. If you’re single you need to turn your sex drive to creative dynamic ways to serve God and other people.
Don’t repress your sexual drive, don’t release it illegitimately through movies and the Internet, but re-channel it in a way that pleases God.
Step two: Emotional non-physical involvement.
To assume that all is well between a man and a woman because there is no physical contact is a mistake. You’re fooling yourself. By an emotional involvement I mean that you look to another person other than your spouse for the deep emotional needs that we all have for understanding, support, and sympathy. Looking to someone other than your spouse for those needs to be met is an emotional affair that can lead you even further into sin.
Unbelievers don’t spend a lot of time here. Unbelievers move right to the physical relationship. Christians camp here. They ignore the red flags.
This is the typical situation that I have dealt with over the years. A Christian woman tells me she was in a very unhappy marriage, unsatisfying, unfulfilling. She meets a man that she begins to talk to, to share her problems with. He seems so kind, tender, sympathetic, and understanding the pain she feels. "But he’s never touched her. She thinks if he ever does, I’m a goner!" Some of you are in that position right now with someone at work, a neighbor, someone in this church. I’m asking you to take it seriously and understand it for what it is. It’s sinful and it can destroy you. It can lead to the next step.
Step three: Physical involvement. Once you’ve crossed that line to where there is physical contact the pull of the sin is horrendous. Breaking out of a relationship that’s crossed physical lines will take everything you have with the grace of God to break through. Don’t cross the line. God’s boundary is there for your protection.
Step four: Rationalizing the affair
We are great in deceiving ourselves. Were experts at pulling the wool over our own eyes. Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful and desperately wicked. Who can know it?" You are a pro at deceiving yourself. You can convince yourself that anything is OK given the circumstances. Some of the excuses I have heard: "If only my husband/wife met my needs, I wouldn’t be doing this." "Just one more time." "We love each other." Love will never fracture another person’s family. "God will forgive." That is true, but there are always consequences.
5. MAINTAIN PROPER RELATIONSHIPS.
Most affairs occur between close personal friends, co workers or family members. How do you maintain a proper relationship in casual relationships?
1. Don’t listen to a member of the opposite sex tell you his or her marriage problems. It is so tempting to think that you can be a good listener and sympathetic. The temptation is to think "I would never treat you like that. I would treat you much better than that." Steer them to a same sex counselor or have your spouse speak with them.
2. Women do not go fishing for compliments. You may have married a man that did not notice that two weeks ago you died your hair blue and has yet to comment on it. But that does not mean that you’re to look outside of your marriage. It is illegitimate to seek for another man to meet that need in your heart. Men watch what you say to women. Your sons will learn how to treat a woman by the way you treat your wife.
3. Be aware of a sense of electricity between you and a member of the opposite sex. Sometimes there is a spark between you and another person. You have two choices at that point: You can either be stroked by it and think "Wow! That feels good. This person thinks I’m attractive." It’s very easy to respond to that. Or you can pull back and say "No, I choose to love my husband/wife and I’m not going to risk what I have just because you make me feel good and make me feel wanted."
4. Avoid a prolonged stare. This is for the men. Don’t lock on to women. You know exactly what I mean. Avoid a prolonged stare -- it is lust and signals interest. There is no further explanation needed.
5. Avoid a lingering touch. If a person hugs you too long, or touches you in a way that feels uncomfortable, it is a dead giveaway that they are interested. Don’t do it. And beware if someone does it to you. Take this seriously; it’s for your protection. Ephesians 5:3 "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality." it takes more than good intentions to remain pure. You need a plan. Here is a suggestion to remain pure.
6. MINIMIZE THE OPPORTUNITY
Stay away from the bees or you will get stung. Don’t place yourself in situations where you know you’re going to be tempted. Recognize the circumstances that turn you on, that arouse you. Be alert.
"Be careful. If you’re thinking `I’d never behave like that" let this be a warning to you. For you too may fall into sin." Say no to the woman who wants to be your golf partner for a day. Know the early warning signs of temptation in your life so you can bail out early.
Some of you are thinking I’ve been married so long it could never happen to me. Who are you kidding? The fact is the Bible says, the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked. We can fool ourselves very easily. The fact is nobody is immune and your certainly not. Given the right situation anybody can fall.
Another thing you need to do is choose your friends carefully.
"Bad company corrupts good character." It is well documented that most affairs occur between couples that already know each other. One of my best friends in the Steinbach area had his marriage end. His best friend had an affair with his wife. You better make sure that your best friends are those who are strongly committed to their marriage as you are to yours. If not, they better not be your best friends. Choose people who are committed to their marriage.
Establish some guidelines. "Guard yourself and your spirit [Circle that phrase] and do not break faith with your wife." One of the prime places is offices. Offices are ripe for budding romances. Everybody looks good and they smell good, they’re on their best behavior. You don’t see them at home with curlers and bad breath.
I am jealous for the integrity of this church and I am determined that with God’s grace that affairs are not going to be an issue in this church.
I looked at Saddleback Churches Ten Commandments for staff. They would rather go overboard than be thrown overboard. There are just some things I will not allow myself to do that may seem harmless. I am not in favor of meeting women alone for counseling. Evelyn and I will do our best to meet with you as a couple. That is starting now. So if you’re a woman and want to see me you will also see Evelyn or I have another woman in the church. Why do I do that? The Bible says an elder (pastor) must be blameless, above reproach. Now when I was at Southland it was different. We had an open office with windows and there was always staff around. I refuse to place myself in a vulnerable situation. Deacons will also not meet with women alone.
Talk is cheap. The Bible says leaders must be able to lead by their lives and by their model. We will minimize the opportunity in this church.
THE PATHWAY BACK TO PURITY
If you’ve been unfaithful to your mate there is hope. You can come to Jesus Christ for cleansing. Adultery does not have to kill a marriage. It is actually like a ship. You bring it into the dry dock, refit it, retrain, repair it and send it back out. It is more effective going out: it will go faster and farther.
Three steps:
1. Acknowledge the sin.
Ps. 51 is David’s prayer when he committed adultery. David wrote ‘Against you and you only I have sinned (Psalm 51:4A). Like David, lets stop rationalizing it and call it what it is. It’s not a mistake. It’s not an affair. It’s adultery, sin, that’s what the Bible calls it. God has never changed His standard and He never will.
Premarital sex is unacceptable to God; it always has been it always will be. Living together without being married is unacceptable to God; it always has been it always will be.
Adultery is unacceptable to God; it always has been it always will be. Homosexuality is unacceptable to God; it always has been it always will be. Pornography is unacceptable to God; it always has been it always will be. God does not compromise on this and this church will not either? We will help anyone in those groups but were not moving off the Bible’s teachings.
If you’re guilty of any of these issues, Calvary is the church for you. This is a community of forgiven sinners. There are no perfect people in this church and it is not a place for self-righteousness. It is a place to come and get your act together. It’s a place to find forgiveness and healing. Together we will break the power of temptation that you cannot break without the power of the Holy Spirit.
We will work together on our marriages. I will fight for your marriages. Ladies, the men in this church are not perfect. We have lots of sins and struggles. Hang in there. Don’t give up; God is painting the picture in our lives.
We all know what we’re capable of. Don’t fake it or pretend. We know we need guidelines to keep us in line. Confess and receive forgiveness from God and then you can forgive yourself.
2. End the relationship immediately.
Do it now. "Today if you hear God’s voice don’t harden your heart" the Bible says. Take action immediately. Don’t delay. You move slowly out of fellowship but you move quickly back into it.
3. Avoid contact with that person from now on.
You can’t be friends after you’ve been lovers. Do whatever it takes to do. End the relationship cold turkey. No more letters, cards, visits, meetings to explain it (call them on the phone to explain it), if they keep calling you up you practice hanging up. Do whatever it takes to avoid that situation. If it means change jobs, do it. Better that than lose your soul. If it means changing churches, then go to the Mennonite church. Whatever it takes to break the relationship, proceed.
God thought up sex. It’s His idea. In marriage it is wonderful and fantastic and a beautiful expression of Christ’s love for the church, the Bible says. But used improperly it destroys marriages, damages families and lives, damages self esteem, creates misery and guilt, shame and regret, depression, not to mention all the kinds of communicable diseases that are out there today God’s way is the best way and you can get back on track. You open your life to Jesus Christ and say, "Jesus Christ, come in and be the manager of my life and help me manage this sex drive that You gave me in the first place." You ask for forgiveness and make a commitment to be morally pure the rest of your life forward.
That means you’re going to have sex only to the person you’re married to.
Maybe today you realize these thoughts are harmful. You need to say, "God, help me change my thought life." Maybe you’ve been involved in an emotional attachment and think there’s no sex involved so it’s OK. Maybe you have looked at pornography on the Internet. Stop and nip it in the bud. Maybe you’ve had the heartbreak of an affair in your marriage. There is hope. There is forgiveness. God loves you. We love you at Calvary. Were here for you today. Remember God says ‘return to me and I will return to you.’
Closing prayer
Commitment to stand and come to the front as couples.
You need to first say to your mate, I have decided that by God’s grace regardless of what you do I will never, from this day forward, be unfaithful to you. It’s my choice. It’s my decision. That’s the starting point.
