What about divorce and remarriage?
Home Improvement Series
A man in Dubai divorced his wife in 2001 by a totally new method – he sent her a text message on her cell phone. She failed show up on time to make his tea, so he texted her” “Your late, I divorce you.” This was the third warning that he would divorce her, and according to Islamic law if a man tells his wife “I divorce you three times this is all that is needed: the wife is legally divorced when she receives that third message.
Now the Dubai woman couldn’t believe that she was divorced by a text message so went to a Muslim court. The court upheld the man’s right. Like Palestine in Jesus day, any Muslim man is allowed to divorce his wife flippantly. A Muslim woman however, just like a Jewish woman, is not allowed to divorce her husband at all.
When I first became a Christian and later a deacon, elder, pastor and through seminary I discovered something. It does not take a rocket scientist to know that the church and Christian scholars have different positions on divorce and remarriage. I am convinced that if you put the twenty or so professors from Briercrest Biblical Seminary, my school, in a room together for two years still would not have a unified position on divorce and remarriage. Before we talk about divorce and remarriage let me say this.
God’s ideal and intention is for your marriage to be a lifetime agreement. Marriage is serious. It should not be entered into lightly. People rush into a marriage and later struggle with a bad decision.
Divorce causes emotional pain, confusion, hurt and heartache. It is difficult to deal with the loss of a mate. Children hurt from the loss of a parent. But unless you live through it, it’s hard to understand those losses.
My goal in this message is to address two important questions.
What does the Bible teach on divorce and remarriage? The second is to explain to you under what circumstances I would I remarry a divorcee.
Before we start I want to recognize the fine work of David Instone-Brewer in his excellent book ‘Divorce and Remarriage in the Church.’
Most theologies of divorce that I have read or heard about are illogical. Stuart Briscoe, an excellent preacher, said ‘a text without a context is a con.’ All good preachers understand this. Since Briscoe is right you cannot understand difficult and controversial passages without a proper context. You will not understand divorce, remarriage, role of women in the church, or sign gifts without a proper context. Scripture was not written in a vacuum. It was written within a very specific culture and time. Without additional information you will take scripture out of context. Let me give you two examples of why you cannot take all scripture literally.
Example one. We would abhor slavery although it was common as margarine tubs in New Testament times. No Christian leader today would send a slave back to its owner as Paul did with Onesimus. In fact Christian leaders are working to free sex slaves in Cambodia, even though in Paul’s day they did not. Did Paul support slavery? You cannot answer that question without researching slavery in the time of Paul.
Example two. Some churches insist that women wear a head covering which they define as hats in the church. In the New Testament time in Corinth when a female did not cover her head it was equivalent to wearing a bikini or less. Without a covering she was immediately thought of as a prostitute. That is why Paul established head coverings in Corinth but not Ephesus. You are not required to wear hats in our church meetings because if you don’t wear a hat we understand you’re not a prostitute.
But we can apply the principle because if you’re a woman who wears seductive clothing that is a statement. So ladies be very careful what you wear. It’s hard enough for the men in our church, don’t make it worse.
The cultural context is crucial. If you take Paul and Jesus words as is without understanding the culture you will take things out of context every time.
Some would say that Scripture contains everything we need to know – a principle that is sometimes referred to as sola Scriptura (Scripture Alone). This is misleading because the real principle behind sola scriptura is that everything that is necessary for salvation can be found by a plain reading of scripture, which is documented in ancient creeds. That is not true for divorce and remarriage; you had better do some research or you will miss the context out of what Jesus spoke from.
We benefit from centuries of work by scholars of language and history.
We have better access to these works than anyone in the last twenty centuries. Were foolish not to use them.
Despite these great resources, it amazes me how some people dig in their heels and refuse to change, continuing to ignore new information. To me that is nothing less than pride. We should listen to one another in humility. Human nature being what it is, however, we find it difficult to review time-worn beliefs, even though new insights are clearly significant, archaeology has improved tremendously, and we have way more historical documents than ever before, including the Dead Sea scrolls from 1947 that are still being studied.
So the way I live as a pastor and life-long student, is I am prepared to admit if I have been wrong. After many years of research and study, and I am still open to new information, I present my case.
There are many things that are not said in the Bible about divorce and remarriage simply because they didn’t need to be said. That is called an argument from silence. Jesus or Paul didn’t need to say them because they were well understood by their audiences. So it begs the question, what was well understood about divorce and remarriage in first century Palestine?
So before we start, let’s read from the Bible starting with Matthew 19:1-12.
The New Testament gives very short accounts of such a huge topic as divorce and remarriage. Why is that? It is because it was accepted and well understood by people in the 1st century.
The Pharisees come to Jesus and they ask a question. Is it lawful to divorce a woman for any and every reason? A quarter of British couples claim that snoring is ruining their love lives and 10% say the problem is so bad they may divorce. About 80% of couples say they have resorted to sleeping separately to escape the noise. It is ridiculous to think that would be a legitimate cause for severing a marriage since it is flippant and a $60 snore pillow resolves the problem.
There were two schools of divorce theology in Jesus and Paul’s day. The first followed the teaching of Hillel. Rabbi Hillel taught that a man can divorce his wife for any and every reason, simply understood as any cause divorce. Hillel permitted divorce if the wife burned a meal, if the husband discovered a more attractive woman or if she cut her hair the wrong way. The Jewish historian Josephus indicated that divorce could be granted "for any cause whatsoever." He divorced his own wife for any cause.
The rabbis were asking Jesus if a man could divorce his wife for any reason. If he sides with Hillel, the ‘any cause people’ he can be charged with moral laxity by the conservatives. Now the Rabi Shammai was not so liberal. Shammai said you can only divorce for ongoing adultery in addition to some other common Jewish divorce allowances. If Jesus sides with Shammai, he alienates the Hillel school and popular opinion and risks the wrath of the Governor Herod. This is the dilemma Jesus faced in this raging debate.
Now some traditionalists in the church teach that Jesus introduced a stricter and new policy on divorce that overturned the Old Testament principle that a victim has the right to bring their suffering to an end. But if we examine Jesus attitude towards the Old Testament, we find that he had a very high regard for it, so we would not expect him to overturn the teachings of Moses (Matthew 5:17-19).
Jesus reproved the school of Hillel because they overturned the teachings of Moses. Moses never taught that they could divorce their wives for any cause. In fact, I will show you that Jesus, Moses and Paul taught and believed the same things.
What did Jesus Teach?
1. Divorce for any cause or flippant reasons is not God’s plan
Jesus was simply saying that divorce for burning the steaks or dying your hair the wrong color and then re-marrying someone else constituted adultery. This new type divorce, widespread at the time of Jesus, was known as ‘Any Cause’ divorces. Jesus simply says that those who divorced this way, which included almost every divorced person in Israel, had an invalid divorce and remarriage. But if they are remarried, he does not say to break up the new marriage and go back to the first partner.
As I said, there were two Rabbi Schools at the time of Jesus. The Hillel rabbis, the liberal ones, made a false conclusion of Deuteronomy 24:1. There we read ‘"If a man doesn’t like something about his wife, he may write a letter stating that he has divorced her, give her the letter, and send her away.” Hillel keyed in on the word doesn’t like or cause. Hillel would say that the cause of sexual immorality was the woman. The cause could be a poor housekeeper or bad cook. He said since she did this it lead the man to immorality. There is no way to know this by just reading the Bible; hence the point is made. A text without a context is a con.
2. Divorce for adultery (pornea) is allowed by God
We live in a promiscuous society. A man wrote: "Dear Abby, I am in love and I am having an affair with two different women other than my wife. I love my wife but I love these other women too. Please tell me what to do, but don’t give me any that morality stuff." Signed: Too much love for only one.” In this case Abby’s answer was classic. She wrote: “Dear Too much love for only one. The only difference between humans and animals is morality. Please write to a veterinarian."
Jesus sided with Moses but also another Rabbi, Rabbi Shammai. Shammai taught that the proper ground for divorce is adultery. A component of the Christian church has a narrow viewpoint of what adultery constituted. Both Shammai and Hillel did not have this narrow viewpoint. Neither did Jesus, Paul, Moses, or other rabbis of Jesus day. There is no need for Jesus to elaborate on this. His audience understood it so he speaks from silence, not refuting the teachings of the Old Testament. Jesus uses the term ‘except for adultery.’ The Greek word is pornea, from which we get out English word pornography. They always understood adultery on a broader scale. This is where the Greek languages help us. Adultery, literally pornea included:
o Adultery by the woman. That means ongoing pervasive adultery, sleeping with other men. Adultery by the man was permitted and not a cause for divorce, as many practiced polygamy in Old Testament times. But even that was not God’s intention (Lev. 18:20).
o Homosexuality "’Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is
detestable (Lev. 18:22).”
o Lesbianism”‘Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.
o Incest – these are all listed in Lev. Chapter 18 – you shall not have sex with any close relatives – they are all there – you can read them
o Beastailtiy "’Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile
yourself with it (Lev. 18:24)
o Sexual abuse of any kind – like child sexual abuse
o Today I extend it to pervasive Internet Pornography, which fits the intent
o These views of the word adultery, Greek pornea are generally accepted by Greek scholars.
o Remarriage was prevalent because in Judaism you were required to fulfill God’s command to be fruitful and multiply
These views were clearly understood and spoken from by silence by Jesus and Paul. There was simply no need to speak about them, his audience understood them. They knew the law. Here is a modern day example. If I ask the question ‘should sixteen year olds be allowed to drink, what am I referring to?’ I never used the word alcohol; the word was spoken to you by silence and culture. So Jesus silence about the other Old Testament grounds for divorce is not surprising when we find that all Jews in Jesus day accepted their validity. What were these other grounds for divorce?
3. Divorce for neglect of food, clothing and conjugal love
Jesus refers to Moses issuing a certificate of divorce. Historians have found many certificates of divorce. Many historical documents are available because it’s illegal for a Jew to discard anything with the name of God on it, out of reverence.
The need for a divorce certificate in Moses’ law is explained by the fact that a husband in the Near East had the right to reclaim a wife he had abandoned, even if she had been remarried. This made things rather messy.
Although it was always God’s plan for the marriage to remain intact, Jesus, Paul and Moses recognized the sinfulness of mankind and made exceptions? What is a certificate of divorce? Why were these exceptions made?
First of all a certificate of divorce is based on Exodus 21:10-11.It allows the victim of divorce to be free from the marriage and to remarry. How do we uncover the intent of Moses?
Story: a semi-religious Jewish family went to a new synagogue and the eldest son Adam reluctantly went to the Sabbath school. Afterward, over lunch, his dad asked Adam what he learned. At first he was reticent to say anything, but after thinking for a bit he relied enthusiastically said ‘we learned about how Moses took his people across the Red Sea and defeated the Egyptians. He lined up his tanks against them, and then sent his amphibious craft onto the Red Sea to start building a pontoon. When it was finished, the Israelites all ran across while their fighter planes gave them cover. The Egyptians chased them, but Moses blew up the pontoon and all the Egyptians drowned. Now Adam, said his dad, I am sure that is not what the teacher told you! Well no, not quite, admitted Adam, ‘but if I told you what he really said you’d never believe it.’
Sometimes we don’t want to believe the plain teachings of Moses and also the cultural/historical information of the day! When it’s clear what they really said we don’t want to believe it.
At first glances this text of Exodus 21”10-11 does not seem to apply to us at all. The reason is we don’t have polygamy and we don’t marry slaves. But I will show you how the principles still apply to marriages today.
o First polygamy was allowed in the Old Testament, although it was not God’s plan. In his book Daily Life in the Time of Jesus Henri Daniel-Rops wrote ‘to make more certain of the permanence of the race of the family the ancient Hebrews had admitted that a man might have several wives. Polygamy had been quite commonplace: saints of God like David provided themselves numerous wives, but the ordinary man could not afford more than one wife.”
o The problem, however, was when a man married his second wife he ignored the needs of the first. So the divorce certificate protected the first wife, so she was not just thrown out with the children and faced starvation. This was new and freeing to the woman. The husband was not to withhold food, clothing or conjugal love from her but they did. As a result of these hard hearts that Jesus refers to – Moses permitted divorce in those cases; he gave her a certificate of divorce – then she was permitted go free – that is she could get remarried to another Jew.
o Remember this is case law based on precedents, which means that the principles are more important than the details. Since this is case law we ignore details about slavery and polygamy and look for the principles that apply to all marriages that involve neglect.
o This means that the Old Testament allowed four grounds for divorce
o The four are:
Neglect of food
Neglect of clothing
Neglect of conjugal love
Adultery, pornea, for all the reasons I have given. Remember that in Judaism only the man could divorce the woman, unless the woman could prove neglect. Jesus closed this loophole by teaching monogamy, so that adultery, literally pornea, incest and indecency, as well as neglect, becomes a basis for divorce by both sexes.
o Jesus never elevated the sin of divorce over gossip, adultery, lying, or stealing. Men made that elevation. If you have been divorced, hear this clearly. Do not let anyone convince you that you are useless in God or that you are less of a Christian. God still loves you and wants to use you for His purposes.
o Remember this; I do not advocate divorce, but rather forgiveness and reconciliation. Henry Ford was asked at his fiftieth anniversary what his secret was to a long marriage, he said, “the same as in the automobile industry just stick to one model.”
o But often the marriage is destroyed the victim has the right to divorce when there is pervasive and unrepentant sin
o What is pervasive and unrepentant sin? It’s when you know you should change and stop that abuse, give up that other relationship, but you don’t; you deliberately keep on sinning. There is no repentance.
o That is the position supported by Judaism, the Apostle Paul, Moses, Jesus, and myself
o I know that the Bible says God hates divorce; that is true. But God is a divorcee; he divorced the nation of Israel for worshipping other gods (Jer. 3:8). The prophets knew it broke God’s heart to divorce unfaithful Israel.
o A marriage is ended by the abuser, the person who breaks the marriage vows. The marriage is not ended by the wronged person who decides to end the broken contract by enacting a divorce
o Divorce is usually terrible for both partners, and the children, the forgotten ones, but remaining married may be worse
o I would normally encourage a period of separation because of continual abuse, neglect or adultery, to give God time to work, and to see if there is a repentant spirit by one or both parties
o Suffering continued neglect or abuse can be physically or emotionally damaging, and continuing unfaithfulness can bring the whole institution of marriage into disrepute
o Now remember I am not advocating divorce. So divorce is not compulsory, the wronged partner has the choice to forgive and carry on in the marriage
o I have made the case from scripture and research that the Old Testament and Jesus are aware of human sin and the reality of divorce and remarriage
What About Paul’s Teachings?
o The main passages are 1st Corinthians 7”1-15 and 26:35”, although time only permits us to scratch the surface here
o Paul wrote to Corinth, a Roman culture
o Romans had divorce by separation. Let me explain
Everyone in Roman society regarded remarriage as a legal obligation. Paul quietly assumes that Christians can remarry. If he had wanted to say that they could not, he would have needed to say this so very clearly
o Indeed in Roman society you were legally required to remarry
o “A Roman citizen who did not remarry within 18 months after a divorce could be prosecuted under a law that was enacted by Emperor Augustus in 18 BC
o So remarriage for divorcees was the norm in the first century
o Paul quotes a divorce certificate saying ‘she is free to remarry to whom she wishes but only in the Lord’
o When Paul wrote “to the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife (from 1 Co. 7:11)” he was also speaking out of his culture. He is simply saying if you walk out on your spouse for no good reason, which was called divorce by separation in Roman society; remain unmarried in the hope of reconciliation. This would not apply to everyone separated, but to those who walked out for flippant reasons
o In Roman society when you walked out you were legally divorced
o He follows this up with 1 Co. 7:15 which says if a believer is a victim of divorce by separation they are no longer bound, they are free to remarry another Christian. In other words the unbeliever walked out for flippant reasons, but your free to divorce and remarry, because your already legally divorced
o Summary
o In summary, it is always God’s will to heal the marriage but we live in a fallen world. A believer does not have to divorce; there is always potential for forgiveness and healing
o Divorce and remarriage are allowed for:
Adultery, really pornographic, including incest, bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism, internet or other pornography, any sexual abuse on an ongoing persistent basis by one or both partners
Persistent abuse, physically and emotionally
Abandonment
Denying the conjugal or sexual needs of the spouse
When divorce happens for any of the above I would remarry that person after counseling
That only leaves one question. Would I remarry someone who divorced for a flippant reason, such as we have nothing in common
Each case has to be dealt with independently. I would like to see some time lapse, counseling, forgiveness, and a repentant spirit.
The whole Bible is about repentance and divorce is not an unforgivable sin
Divorce is expressly denied for the immediate purpose of marrying someone else (Mark 10:11-12).
The Church, therefore, should seek always to discourage divorce as a
solution to marital problems.
When a marriage fails it is all too easy to condemn and reject those caught up in this tragedy. But if the church shows no compassion, it is not true to its nature and calling. That might express itself, first of all, in trying to save a broken marriage. Every effort should be made at reconciliation and forgiveness.
Ron Deal, a Christian expert of building successful step-families says “My experience with divorced individuals, single-parents, and stepfamilies, is that they often fear judgment, especially if they have a scarlet “D” for “divorced” imprinted in the middle of their forehead for all to see. It gets even worse, some tell me, when they remarry and put and “R” right beside the “D.” They know their family is not God’s ideal family situation, so they wonder just how worthy they are of God’s love and grace.”
Therefore don’t spend any time judging another person’s breakdown. Ultimately they have to answer to God and not to you. That is why James says “Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you--who are you to judge your neighbor? (James 4:11-12).”
Prayer
