He Said-She Said: Enjoying the difference
Fireproof Your Relationships: Sermon One
Date Preached: Sept 28, 2008
Scripture: Ephesians 5:21-33
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said to her, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere,” he said.
This weekend, Sherwood Films released a movie called, “Fireproof.” I saw it yesterday. I hope all of you will take the time to see it.
According to the dictionary, “FIREPROOF” means, “CAPABLE OF WITHSTANDING OR PREVENTING DAMAGE BY FIRE.”
In the next 40 days as we work through this sermon series, and hopefully many of you will participate in the Bible Study as well, we will discover together, principles and practices from the Bible that will fireproof your marriage (if you’re married), your friendships, and your relationships - in whatever context they may be.
How many of you have already been able to see the movie? (It’s on until Thursday night in Mankato.) I hope many of you will take the time to go and see it, not only because of its content, but because it’s a Christian movie and we need to support whatever comes out that is family viewing these days.
Fireproof is the story of a couple – Caleb and Catherine - whose marriage is breaking up. They’ve been together for seven years, but they’ve lost that lovin’ feeling, things are going from bad to worse, and they are headed for divorce.
And the film relates how this couple, with the help of God, and some very important influences in their lives, put their marriage, and their lives, back together again. They struggle through all kinds of issues and we’re going to explore each of these themes over the next six weeks as we learn how to Fireproof our Relationships. Two of the messages will be more specific to marriage, but the rest will cover issues that all of us deal with as we learn to love those around us.
Today, we’re going to look at how to get along with members of the opposite sex. Probably, by now you’ve noticed that men and women are different? Well, in the film, one of the first cracks that develops in Caleb and Catherine’s relationship comes from a challenge all men and women face, which is, “How do I relate to someone who is so different than me?”
There are three principles in our scripture text, that if you practice them, you will fireproof your marriage.
In verse 21 of Ephesians chapter 5, Paul says to: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
The verb “submit” there is a big, long Greek word that means to “line yourself up under” or “to give up your rights.”
Now what we need to understand, is that that word “submit” ONLY appears in verse 21. It’s IMPLIED in the other two places where it appears.
So, for example, in verse 22, when we read, “Wives, submit to your husbands...” the verb “submit” isn’t actually in the sentence in the original language. It’s understood from verse 21.
And the same is true when you get to verse 25.
So here’s what the Bible is saying: Men and women are to line themselves up under each other in order to make the marriage work. Each one is to give up their rights and look out for the best interests of their spouse. Do this, and the marriage will work well. Line yourself up on top of the other person, or refuse to give up your rights, and the marriage won’t work well.
Why? Because giving up our rights is an essential part of meeting each other’s needs. If my husband needs me to figure out directions while we’re driving, rather than read a book or just watch the sights, I submit - I line myself up under him. Likewise, when I need my husband to change the oil in my car, rather than go for a bike ride, or watch tv, he changes the oil first before he does those other things. We submit to each other.
Now do we always do that? No. But we should - if we want to have a great marriage!
Mutual submission is one of the great keys to a great marriage.
So, fireproofing principle number 1 is…
1. MARRIAGE WORKS BEST WHEN BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE GIVE UP THEIR RIGHTS FOR THE SAKE OF THE OTHER.
Men, that doesn’t mean that she has to rub your feet every time you ask her to. And women, it doesn’t mean that he has to run out for ice cream every time you have a craving.
What it means is how it is explained in another part of scripture. 1 Peter 3:7 says, “Husband, be considerate as you live with your wife.” Consider her needs. Consider her personality. Study your wife and figure out what allows her to grow. What is it that brings out the best in her and when you notice that, do it.
That’s principle number one. The principle of submission. Give up your rights.
Men, imagine what would happen if your wife sat down with you at lunch today and said, “Honey, I’ve been making some demands of you, and I’m giving those up. I’m lining up under you. I’m giving up my rights to expect you to be who I think you should be.”
Women, imagine what would happen if you sat down at lunch today with your husband and he said, “Sweetheart, I know there are some things you’ve needed from me and I haven’t been willing to meet them. But starting today, I’m going to do my best to listen to what YOUR needs are and meet them, if I possibly can.”
Wouldn’t that just start a quiet revolution of joy for each other?
The second fireproofing principle comes from the last verse, verse 33, where Paul says, “EACH OF YOU ALSO MUST LOVE HIS WIFE AS HE LOVES HIMSELF, AND THE WIFE MUST RESPECT HER HUSBAND.” – EPHESIANS 5:33
Now let’s spend a little time on this one.
Look at this verse for a minute… from what you find there, are husbands and wives given the same command? (No.)
What are husbands supposed to do? – Love their wives.
What are wives supposed to do? – Respect their husbands.
Does that mean that husbands don’t have to respect their wives? (No.) Does it mean that wives don’t have to love their husbands? (No.) Because you can’t love without respecting, and you can’t respect without loving. But because we are different, we have different ways of receiving what we need. And while men want to be loved, at the core of their being, they need to be respected by the one that matters most to them, or it’s very hard to compete in the world they live in. Likewise, while women want to be respected, they have a hard time fulfilling their life’s purpose unless they feel loved by the one who matters most to them.
Here’s the principle:
2. MARRIAGE WORKS BEST WHEN WE UNDERSTAND THAT THERE ARE DIFFERENCES AND TREAT EACH OTHER ACCORDINGLY.
READ THE ROGER AND ELAINE STORY (by Dave Berry) - if there is time.
There are obvious differences between men and women. Men have thicker skulls, thicker skin, more red blood cells and more muscle tissue. Women are more resistant to heat and cold and tend to outlive men by a few years.
From the first moment of birth, little girls have more lip and mouth movement than boys. In a Harvard study of hundreds of preschoolers, researchers found that 100% of the sounds coming from little girls’ mouths were words, whereas only 60% of sounds coming from preschool boys were words. The other 40% were yells and sound effects like, “Vrrooom!” “Aaaaagh!” and “Toot, toot!”
Psychologist Gary Smalley says, “This difference persists into adulthood. Communication experts say that the average woman speaks over 25,000 words a day, while the average man speaks only a little over 10,000. What does this mean in marital terms? Very often a man has already used up his 10,000 words at work… while his wife is just warming up!”
Several thousand women were asked how much time they need to spend with their husbands in meaningful conversation. They said 45 minutes to an hour each day. On the other hand, their husbands say 15 - 20 minutes is enough – once or twice a week!”
Women: Your husband needs to be the hero of your home. If he’s not the hero at home, he will find it difficult to be a hero anywhere else. And if they DO become heros somewhere else - say at work - what do you suppose they’re going to do? Stay there. Ladies - if you want your husband at home, find ways to show him respect. Affirm him. Make him your hero. He was at one time.
There are phrases that men need to hear:
I’M SO PROUD OF YOU
I BELIEVE IN YOU
YOU DO THAT SO WELL
Men, wouldn’t it be great to hear those things every day?
That’s the challenge for the women.
Men, your challenge is bigger than what the ladies got. Because the Bible says, in verse 25:
HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES, JUST AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH AND GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR HER. – EPHESIANS 5:25
Men, your wife needs to feel loved. She might KNOW it, but she needs to hear it from you. She needs to receive your love. And I can just about guarantee you this morning that when you hear that sentence, the men in the room are thinking about sex, and for the women, that’s the farthest thing from their mind. Because guys, the way your wife receives love best is to have you listen to her. – Listen to her dreams and her feelings and her fears and her thoughts. And that doesn’t mean listen while you’re doing something else. If you will sit and listen, with full eye contact, and as much emotional engagement as possible, for 5 to 10 minutes a day, it will change her - she’ll be the woman of your dreams.
Now - there’s a big caution here! Do I have your attention (all the men - hear this now). When you listen to her, she DOES NOT want you to fix her. The way she gets fixed, is to have you listen to her. Don’t solve her problem - she just wants you to care. So, while she’s talking just listen - and instead of looking for a solution to whatever the problem is, try to understand what she’s feeling. Then say something like, “That must have felt terrible.” or, “That must have felt great.” If you get it wrong, she’ll let you know and you can try again, but take your best shot at it.
Guys, you can count on this: if you want to make her crazy about you - pick up the phone and call. Say, “I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and I love you.” Then, don’t ask her for anything, to remind her of anything, don’t plan or solve anything. Just listen, tell her you love her and go back to work. And if you just can’t resist the urge to fix it, ask her first. Ask her permission - say, “How can I help?” And if you’ve really listened well, she will probably say, “You just did.” And be fine for the rest of the day.
Phrases women need to hear: I love you.
That must have felt great/terrible.
How can I help?
A. MEN NEED TO FEEL RESPECTED.
B. WOMEN NEED TO FEEL LOVED.
Now let’s look at verse 32:
“THIS IS A PROFOUND MYSTERY, BUT I AM TALKING ABOUT CHRIST AND THE CHURCH.” – EPHESIANS 5:32
Principle number three:
3. MARRIAGE WORKS BEST WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND AND REMEMBER THAT MARRIAGE IS A PROFOUND MYSTERY ABOUT CHRIST AND HIS CHURCH.
At its deepest level, marriage is a mystery. A mystery is something you cannot understand unless it is explained or revealed to you.
God, who had always existed in relationship as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, loved relationships. He loved them so much that He wanted more relationships. So He created us. He placed us on this planet and said, “grow.” But instead, our first parents, Adam and Eve, turned their backs on God. They ate what they shouldn’t have, and that caused a barrier in their relationship with God.
God still wanted the relationship with his creation, so instead of just destroy it, He decided to do the work necessary to restore it. He sent His one and only Son, to become the bridge-groom for us, his church. The Son gave up himself - he died.
And God’s hope, then, through his son, Jesus, is that we’ll receive His act of love, and come back into relationship with Him.
In other words, be united with him, like a bride to her groom. When we do that, we become part of the bride of Christ.
Marriage then, is a reflection of Christ and His bride, the church.
The husband is a shadow and copy of the Bridegroom, Christ. The wife is a shadow and copy of the Bride, the Church.
That’s what makes marriage - that union of a husband and a wife, in sex, the most profound spiritual act that a couple can engage in. That’s what gives marriage sanctity. That’s what brings holiness to it - dignity to it.
So if you are married, or plan to be married, or know somebody who is married - treat your marriage carefully, sacredly. Give up your rights. Build it with fireproof materials like love and respect.
What we do with marriage matters, because it matters to God - He’s the designer. We are made in God’s image as male and female. It is for THIS reason that a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife and they become one flesh.
We’re going to look at that more closely in our Bible Study time together Thursday night.
In the movie, Caleb is about to give up on his marriage. But his dad gives him a special hand-written book. The book is called the LOVE DARE. In it is 40 days’ worth of practical ways for Caleb to demonstrate his love to Catherine.
Caleb’s dad challenges him to do one of the love dares every day for the next 40 days and see if it doesn’t change his attitude and his marriage. Caleb takes the challenge, and the dares do work. They cost Caleb a lot, and it’s hard work. But loving - truly loving - is hard work - and change doesn’t magically happen every time we make an effort to do something right, or follow God’s leading.
Over these next six weeks – which works out to almost 40 days – we are going to have our own Love Dare Challenges. They’ll be practical assignments designed to raise the level of our relationships, single or married.
So my question to you this morning is: Are you up for it? Are you ready for a challenge?
I know many of you thought you were just going to come to a nice safe church service, sit through it and go home. But church was never meant to be that way. Church is meant to be a life-changing experience - God-honoring, and hope-filled.
Here’s the challenge for this week:
THE LOVE DARE CHALLENGE #1: This week, say nothing negative within your family, and do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.
Now you’ll notice in your notes, I’ve missed something, right? Well, when I was thinking about this message, I had a wonderful thought for that point - then I forgot it. I don’t know for sure what I was thinking of when I put that point in there - so I thought I’d leave that up to you. Take the challenge and then as your week goes along, you decide what the first step to loving well, is, - bring it with you to Bible Study Thursday night, and we’ll talk about it there.
The tie that binds, whether we’re husband and wife in the marriage relationship, or sister and brothers in the bride - his Church - is Jesus Christ. Blest be the Tie that binds.....let’s sing together.....
