Men & Women
Experiencing a Successful Marriage
In Successful Marriages, Spouses give up their rights for one another (V. 21)
In Successful Marriages, wives give respect to their husbands (V. 22-24, 33)
In Successful marriages, husbands give love their wives (V. 25-30, 33)
In Successful Marriages, spouses give Christ their reverence (v. 21)
Slide
I have been excited for this weekend to get here for over a month.
Two things have got me excited.
Back to the Basics Seminar
One, we have our Back to the Basics Seminar this afternoon. If you would like to come, you are welcome to join us. It is from 1 to 4 pm.
I always get excited to teach the basics of Christianity and the truth that the Bible is the Word of God. It excites me anew to study and keep going because God has given us His very word.
Praise the Lord.
Fireproof
Also, this weekend, the movie Fireproof came out. I saw a screening of this movie over a month ago and it was absolutely awesome. You definitely want to go and see this movie.
There is a whole group of us going tonight to see it at 6:45 at Kerasotes Showplace Theaters in New Lenox. You are welcome to purchase some tickets and attend with the group. If you signed up to buy tickets last week, make sure you pick them up from __________ before you leave today. We will just be meeting at the theater to see the film.
But, I have also been excited about this movie coming out because I am preaching on some of the topics that this movie touches on.
This movie provides a great lead in to many of these topics that are so needed to be taught and heard and learned, so that we can truly experienced relationships as God intended.
Brief synopsis of movie
In this movie we meet a couple, Caleb and Catherine Holt, who have been married for 7 years but they have lost that lovin’ feeling and their marriage doesn’t even seem like a marriage to either of them anymore.
Fireproof is the story of what goes on in this couples life as they face the possibility of divorce and how a dare from Caleb’s father is used by God to not only change Caleb, but to change his marriage.
Now this story I think is very well done because it is not just some pie in the sky, trust God and everything will be fine, but it shows the reality of the struggles that this couple faces in dealing with
Forgiveness
Rekindling feelings for each other
Breaking free of Pornography and other things that hold us back from truly loving
As well as finding and experiencing the love of God in our lives.
We are going to be talking about these things over the next month as we learn how to Fireproof our Relationships.
Two of the messages in this series will deal with marriage primarily, but will hold truths that are valuable to each one of us, and the rest will cover issues that all of us deal with as we learn to love those around us.
Sermon intro
Today, we are going to talk about how to have a successful marriage even considering the fact that men and women are so very different.
Have you ever noticed that?
That men and women are different?
I am not talking about just physical differences, but praise the Lord for that difference.
I am talking about how different men and women are relationally a.nd emotionally
Do you ever wonder what God was thinking when he designed men and women so different?
We process things differently
We think differently
We can even experience the same situation and yet see it so totally different.
Lights out and
Go right into video clip – He said/She said
Lights back on – Scene 1
Slide
Back to Slide 1
Have you ever been there?
Felt that you and your spouse were so different that there is no way things can work out, no way you could experience a successful marriage?
Well, I want to tell you that if you have been married for more than a couple years, this thought has probably crossed your mind at some point, even if you have resisted it by the power of Christ.
But if men and women are so totally different, how is it that we can have a successful marriage and truly experience the Joy that God desires for us to experience within that relationship?
Turn with me to Ephesians 5:21-33.
(p. 829)
Slide
This morning, we are going to look at Paul’s teaching, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit in Ephesians concerning husbands and wives and how we are to treat each other.
Paul in these verses gives us some essential truths that we need to practice if we are going to experience real joy in our marriages.
What is a Successful Marriage
Before we start, I think it is important to define a successful marriage.
A successful marriage is one in which both the husband and wife experience the joy and unity, even amid struggles, that comes from being united physically, emotionally and spiritually.
This goes back to how God created man and woman. He created us to be united.
Look at
Genesis 2:18, 20 b, 22-24
18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." … 20b But … no suitable helper was found.
22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ’woman,’ for she was taken out of man."
24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
God has ordained that in marriage, men and women be united completely and when we are, we experience the joy of marriage as God intended.
Well why don’t we experience this if this is what God intended, because the truth of the matter is, is that most marriages are not successful.
Over 50% of marriages end in divorce and in countless other marriages where divorce hasn’t occurred, there is no joy being experienced.
The really sad part is that in the church, the statistics are not any different.
Do you want to know the reason for that?
It is because we say we believe God and his word with our mouths, but we don’t really believe Him with our actions.
Now this is a whole different sermon I could preach on what true belief is, but that seems to me to sum up the reality of it.
But the reality is even when we read what God says to do, some of it seems counterintuitive when we try to understand it.
I want to tell you today that God’s word is true and if we would trust God and follow these guidelines for marriage, all of us would be able to experience a successful marriage.
Let’s read the text and look a little more closely at what the Lord wants us to do.
Ephesians 5:21-33
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Pray
Well, first, we see that
In Successful Marriages, Spouses Give up their rights for One another
Slide
Ephesians 5:21 – “Submit to one another…”
That Greek word that is translated as submit means to “place one self under.”
In a successful marriage, in successful relationships of every kind, we are to give up our rights for another.
In our society today we equate submission with weakness and joylessness.
I am sure that some of you right now are thinking,
“if I give up my rights, I am going to get walked all over and I will never experience joy.”
“I need to protect my rights and guard them if I am going to experience joy in this world.”
I will agree with you that to give up your rights for someone else seems risky and somewhat counter intuitive. But Christ often calls us to the counter intuitive.
Lose your life and you will find it. (Mark 10:39)
The first will be last and the last will be first. (Mark 10:31)
Do not repay evil with evil, but with blessing (1 Peter 3:9)
Giving up your rights, when the Lord tells us to do it, though, only seems risky.
In fact it is the best and safest thing we could do.
Not about weakness, but strength
And giving up your rights to your spouse is not about being weak or a doormat.
In fact, it requires great strength to willingly give up our rights.
Jesus is our example in this.
He was anything but weak or a doormat, but He willingly gave up what was His right, for us.
Philippians 2:6-8
6 Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7 but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death-
even death on a cross!
Hebrews 5:7-8
7 During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. 8 Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered
Jesus, God in the flesh, submitted himself to become human.
He submitted himself to the authorities.
He submitted Himself to the cross.
He was not forced in any of these things, but did so willingly because of His desire to glorify the Father and His love for you.
That takes strength.
I want to encourage you to be strong and be willing to give up your rights for one another so you can glorify the Father and begin to experience the joy that can result.
Paul goes on to get more specific for husbands and wives concerning some of the differences in the way God has designed us.
He starts with wives and says that
In Successful Marriages, Wives give respect to their husbands
Slide
Now in Ephesians 5:22-24, Paul talks about wives submitting to their husbands and this is talking about some of the role differences that God has given between men and women, but in the last line of this passage, v. 33, Paul says that “the wife must respect her husband.”
Since we have just talked about what submission looks like, I want to talk about this concept of respect for a moment.
Ladies, if you truly want to experience a successful marriage, you need to respect your husband.
We have already seen and I am certain that anyone who is married knows, that men and women are very different.
Well, God, in his wisdom, has given the need to men to feel respected as primary in a guys life.
This is why he tells wives to respect their husbands, it fulfills a God designed need.
Surveys have been done among men asking which would you rather feel
Alone and unloved
Or
Inadequate and disrespected
76% of men would rather feel alone and unloved than inadequate and disrespected.
That is 3 out of 4 guys.
The fact of the matter is that when you give respect to your husband, you are loving them.
“He doesn’t deserve my respect”
I can hear some of you right now thinking, “My husband doesn’t deserve my respect.”
This is not about your husband deserving respect. This is about you trusting God.
And for those of you who are single ladies, this is important for you to understand in relationships with guy friends. By respecting them, you honor and love them
Well, how do you show respect to someone who you feel is not worthy of respect?
It starts with trusting God which must then overflow to your actions.
If we really believe God is God and that His ways are best, we will be able to do what He says.
But if we really believe that, what can we do to show that respect?
Writing for Christian Women Today, Cyndie Hamley gives 10 ways to respect your husband regardless of your feelings.
I believe that if you do these things, that you can and will grow in your feelings of respect for your husband.
She says to respect your husband
Pray for him daily
Remember that God will lead through your husband
Make a list of your husband’s qualities and review them regularly
Tell your husband what you appreciate about him
Don’t criticize your husband to others – especially your children.
Look for the positive side of things that you may find irritating
Respond to his loving advances with enthusiasm
If you are concerned about a decision your husband has made, ask him the following:
I am confused about such and such. Can you explain it to me?
Can we talk about __________? I feel uncomfortable about ________?
If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about your husband, stop and choose to think of his good qualities.
Philippians 4:8
8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.
“Remember, God is working on you and your husband. You can both learn from your failures as well as your successes. Give God the freedom to teach your husband through failure. In the same way, give God the freedom to teach you to trust Him through your husband’s failure.” (Cyndie Hamley)
Respect your husband in your actions.
Turning to husbands, the Lord tells us through Paul that
In Successful Marriages, Husbands give love to their wives
Slide
Ephesians 5:25-30, 33a
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her …28 husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- …33 each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.
Husbands you need to love your wife as Christ loved the church.
Christ loved the church sacrificially.
We need to love our wives sacrificially.
Now some of you men are thinking, I sacrifice for my wife and family.
I work long hours to provide.
I would lay down my life to protect them from harm or
I didn’t go out with my buddies after work but came home instead.
Yeah, I sacrifice for her.
Listen, we need to understand what sacrifice is. Sacrifice is not doing what we feel is sacrifice. It is doing what others think is sacrifice.
Loving our wives sacrificially is going to look more like this.
Going to the mall and shopping with her.
Spending some time talking about your day and her day after work so she can feel connected to you.
Really listening to her.
That means not just hearing what she is saying but remembering.
And also listening to the things going on in her life without offering a solution, but giving her empathy.
Study her and act upon the things you learn.
What does she like?
Make her coffee or tea. Learn how she likes it and make it that way.
What is her favorite type of gift? Does she like flowers? Buy her some.
Find out what her love language is? (The five love languages by Gary Chapman)
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
You can’t just get married and tell her you love her and think that that should be good enough for the rest of your days.
God has designed your wife with a need to feel love from you. God has given you responsibilities to meet that need in your wife by showing her love in the way she will receive that, but it will definitely require sacrifice on your part.
To both husbands and wives
Now just so we understand, both husbands and wives need to be loved and respected.
In 1 Peter 3:7, Peter says
7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
And throughout Scripture we are commanded to love one another.
We need to both to love and respect each other.
Love and Respect like Food and Water
Dr. Emerson Eggerich, in his book, Love and Respect, likens love and respect for men and women to food and water. You need both to survive, but just like you can live longer without food than water, both men and women have a different water.
For men, respect is like water, while love is like food and
For women, love is like water and respect like food.
So guys, you need to love your wives sacrificially and
Wives, you need to respect your husbands.
Perhaps you have tried this in the past, to have it only fall by the wayside after a week or two.
Perhaps some of you have tried and you just could not do it because you felt like you were being taken advantage of and the nothing was happening on the other side.
This is why it is so important that
In Successful Marriages, Spouses give Christ their Reverence
Slide
Look back at verse 21 again. Where it tells us to submit to one another. Notice that it doesn’t say to do that so
you will have a good marriage.
the other person will respond how you will want.
No, we are to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)
To experience the most successful marriage, as well as the best life possible requires a relationship with Christ and for us to revere Him.
Now there are people that can have good marriages that are not Christians who apply these biblical principles to their lives. It will make your marriage better because of how God has created us, regardless of what we believe.
But being in a relationship with Christ is the only way to experience the fullness of life that Christ has come to bring and that means in our marriages as well.
When we receive Christ as Savior and have the presence of the Holy Spirit in our lives, we are enabled to love and sacrifice and respect and submit ourselves beyond what our own strength could muster, because now we can operate and act in the strength of the Holy Spirit.
Ladies – God enables us to respect them when they don’t deserve it
I want to tell you ladies it will be impossible to truly give your husband respect without the help of the Lord because he is going to do things at times that will not be worthy of respect but it will only be because of your relationship with Christ and your desire to glorify Him that you are able to still give respect to your husband who doesn’t deserve it.
Guys – god enables you to love your wife when she doesn’t deserve it
And I want to tell you guys, that there are times that you will so not feel like loving your wife, but only by the grace and strength of God and your reverence for Him that you will be able to act in accordance with loving her even when you don’t feel like it.
A reverence for, and relationship with, Christ is crucial to a truly successful marriage.
Even as a Christian, if you don’t have a reverence and trust in the Lord that is renewed and refreshed regularly, you may end up as just another statistic.
Conclusion
Maybe you are here today and your marriage is on the rocks.
Maybe you have given up hope that it could ever be different.
Maybe you have a pretty good marriage, but believe that it certainly could be better.
Maybe you are engaged to be married and when thinking about a lifetime commitment.
Perhaps you are single and one day hope to be married, and you desire to begin now by letting God help you to love and respect others in your life.
Love Dare
Wherever you are at, I want to issue you a challenge, a dare in fact. A love dare.
In the movie that you will see or have already seen, Caleb’s father issues him a dare not to do anything regarding getting a divorce for 40 days and to read some things he wrote to him.
It was a 40 day devotional with a dare for each day, which was some practical way to love and respect your spouse.
I want to dare you to pick up one of those devotionals. We happen to have about 50 of them here available for $10 each on a first come first serve basis.
They will be available out in the foyer for purchase.
And I want to encourage each of you, that if you have not seen the movie “Fireproof” yet, to go and see it. See it tonight if you can. You can see it with the group in New Lenox tonight at 6:45. You will need to buy your tickets when you get there.
Use this movie and this message series to commit to being the spouse that God wants you to be with His help.
Let’s pray and ask for His help in that now.
Pray.
