A Love That Endures
Genesis 2:18-25
There’s the story of a husband who placed an ad in the Rocky Mountain News just prior to a Super Bowl a few years ago. Will trade my non-cooking and non-shopping wife with attitude problem for one Super Bowl ticket. No Indian givers. Call so-and-so at xxx-xxxx. Hurry. When interviewed the husband claimed he was not kidding, although he was known to play practical jokes. He said the idea came to occurred to him the day after the AFC championship game, when it snowed heavily in Denver. "She refused to go shopping," [the husband] said. "She said the roads were too slick, so she made me do it. I get tired of that stuff after a while. If I could get a Super Bowl ticket, it would be a one-way trip."
I-It and I-Thou
When it comes to marriage much of the pain and problems come from being stuck in the I-It relationship. One or both spouses approach life as if it revolves around them and they begin to look at their spouse as someone who should meet their needs rather than a person they are to minister to. Today we’re going to consider what marriage is supposed to look like, what God wants marriage to be and how we can live into the I-Thou relationship of marriage.
In Genesis 2, God took the clay and formed a man with his hands and breathed life into him. He then placed him in the middle of a beautiful garden of paradise where the man could have everything he needed to survive. God would come down each afternoon as the sun began to set and take long walks with Adam and they would talk. But despite all of this there was still a hunger, a void in Adam’s heart. And so God said, I need to fulfill that need. Now there’s the story that before Eve was created, God was talking with Adam. He said, “You really need a helper, don’t you?” And Adam answered, “Yeah, I really do.” So God said, “What if I make a woman? She’ll be perfect for you. She’ll be beautiful. She’ll rub your back at night, & your feet in the morning. She’ll plop grapes into your mouth. She’ll prepare all your favorite meals without fail. She’ll clean up the kitchen & take care of the kids. You’ll never have to do a thing, just sit around & be the king of your household.” Adam said, “Boy, that sounds great, but how much is this going to cost?” God said, “Well, it’s pretty expensive. It will cost you an arm & a leg.” Adam thought for a moment & then asked, “How much can I get for a rib?”
God caused Adam to fall asleep and took a rib from him, and from it God made a new and improved model of the man, the woman. Then he brought her to Adam and showed him and Adam said, This is at last what I have been longing for. She is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. She is like and yet mysteriously different from me. And the Scripture then says And the man shall leave their father and mother and they shall cling together and become one flesh.
From that passage, we learn three things. First, we shall be helpers of one another. God didn’t say he made Adam a servant but a helper. Marriage doesn’t mean you are to be always in love with your spouse. That’s psychologically and physically impossible. Whether you are madly in love with this person or not, you are always called to be their helper. To be a helper, you need to ask, “What does my spouse need? How can I encourage and support her? How can I stand by her and help her achieve God’s will for her life.” Being a helper involves sacrifice. It means you’re giving up your time and your energy and maybe even your plans to help your spouse achieve their dreams and aspirations but also to become all that God intended. You do it because God has called you to be a helper. Part of the calling in marriage is we are helping our spouse to be sanctified. We are helping them to grow in the likeness of Jesus Christ and their service in Jesus’ name and to become what God wants them to be. That means we are to pray for them, to encourage them and to challenge them. We do what Paul says in Colossians 3:16, we teach and admonish one another in all wisdom. Yes helping our spouse is helping them to fulfill their hopes and dreams but more importantly, it’s helping them to fulfill God’s will for their life which is to become like Jesus Christ.
Second, we are to be friends with one another. That’s what a companion is. A few years back Pepper Rodgers was in the middle of a terrible season as football coach at UCLA. It even got so bad that it upset his home life. He recalls, My dog was my only friend. I told my wife that a man needs at least two friends and she went out and bought me another dog. What does it take to be friends with someone? First, you spend time with them. You do fun stuff together. You recreate together. You talk with one another. You are to be your spouse’s best friend. What makes them your best friend? You disclose yourself to them and you only do that because you know they love and care for you and there is an unconditional acceptance from them, that’s trust. When our friends are struggling, we come alongside and pick them up. It means you continue to connect with one another. That means as life gets busier and as children enter the picture, you have to protect the time you have together. It means you have to develop interests together. It means every day you have to connect with one another. Setting time aside where you can not only share what happened in your day but what’s happening in your heart and mind. It means you know the person inside and out, what is really going on inside and the likes and dislikes of your spouse. That reminds me of a couple who were going to counseling to try and save their marriage. At one point the therapist said, Do you understand what your wife likes and dislikes? He said, What do you man I understand what she likes and dislikes? Do you even know what her favorites flower is? Of course I do, it’s Pillsbury. That’s probably why he was in counseling.
When you first started out dating, you went to concerts together, went out to dinner together, saw movies together and you talked for hours with each other. But as life gets busier, ad kids come into the picture, you have less time and energy and resources to do the things you once did when you fell in love. In the book of Revelation, Jesus is talking to the churches and to one he said, You have forsaken your love and faith, go back and do the things you once did when you fell in love or came to faith. In marriage one of the greatest challenges is to remember what we did when we fell in love and what we can do to grow in our love with one another. Dr. John Gottman is a family therapist who has written several books, one of which is The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work and in it he says , “The heart of marriage in this simple truth that happy marriages are based on deep friendships.”
Our calling is to be a helper and a friend. That doesn’t sound hard. Shouldn’t we be able to be our spouse’s friend and their helper? But it is hard, isn’t it? Half of all marriages end in divorce and the other half struggle in marriage. Why? The truth is even the best marriages have times when the love grows cold. There are times when you fall out of love. What do you do during those times? The problem is that during those times we tend to go back to the I-It relationship. I think too often couples never really grow beyond the I-It relationship, that is they spend enough time together and have enough to contribute to the relationship that their needs are met. But when a baby enters the picture or the career begins to take off garnering more or your time, attention and energy, by the end of the day you’re exhausted. And when you’re feeling neglected, it’s easy to say, What about me? My needs aren’t being met? In those times, feelings of resentment start to arise. It’s in those times we begin to think it’s about me.
Marriage is an invitation to move beyond yourself and focus on another. Marriage is a ministry. It’s not about getting your needs met but serving the need of your spouse. God called us to love one another not because of our feelings for them but in spite of them. God calls us to care for and love one another which pulls us out of the I-It relationship into the I-Thou. There has to be something more to be in this relationship other than just getting your needs met and feeling happy. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” When the love grows cold, you need to focus on caring for one another even though you don’t feel like it, praying for one another, and ministering to one another. Too often we do loving things because you feel like it but the Bible calls us to do loving things and from that come loving feelings. It is hard when you’re sacrificing for someone else and they’re doing the same thing for you for you not to fall back in love.
Third, we are to be a companion. The scripture today says, they shall cling together and become one flesh, in other words they can’t be separated. They have become one. A companion is someone who is always there, always by your side. The Christian’s priorities are this: God first, spouse second, family third, church fourth and work last. Yet too often God gets pushed to the side and work or other things become more important than our marriage, sometimes with even the best intentions. Bill Hybels is the Pastor of the largest church in America, Willow Creek Community Church, just outside of Chicago. His ministry began as an outreach from another church to teenagers during the early 70’s called Son City and experienced explosive growth but it took a toll on their marriage: Lynne writes: "In my mind I am walking again along the quiet, tree-lined streets from the church to the tiny home where we had just begun our married life in May 1974. I am sitting at the round kitchen table with the red tablecloth. Another lonely meal. Another empty evening. An hour earlier I had begged Bill to stay home. He had looked at me in disbelief. "Kids are dying and going to hell, and you want me to stay home and hold your hand?" The words echo in my mind, and I hear them over and over in different forms: Don’t bother me, Lynne. How can you demand that, Lynne? Six months into marriage, I am convinced I have made a horrible mistake. I love the man I married. I love Son City. But I hate our marriage. I hate the pain of disappointment. I hate mourning the death of so many dreams. And I hate the loneliness." (Hybels, p. 44) Marriage is putting your spouse ahead of all things, even the work of the church and being there emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Marriage counselors often speak of the love bank. If you think of your partner’s heart as a love bank, it can help you move to an I-Thou relationship. A love bank is a way of looking at how your actions affect your mate. If you are acting in such a way that it blesses them then you are making deposits in their love bank. If you are acting in a way that is irritating or neglecting them then those are withdrawals. The key is to maintain a positive balance where you make more deposits than withdrawals. If you have more withdrawals than deposits then your relationship becomes strained. If that continues for too long then your marriage climate ends and divorce can occur. The key is to find what are considered a deposit in your spouse’s love bank. The other is to know when withdrawals are made like when Bill Hybels spent so much time away from Lynn.
Gary Chapman has written a book entitled the 5 Love Languages. He discovered that people have one of five ways they prefer to give and receive love. The first is words of affirmation. Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Verbal appreciation is as simples as statements like “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies.” Sometimes that’s all a person needs to hear to feel loved. Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through words of affirmation is to offer encouragement, re-inforce a difficult decision, call attention to progress made on a current project or acknowledge a person’s unique perspective on an important topic. Second is quality time which is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared. Quality time involves conversation including sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. Third is gift giving. Some respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn. Gifts don’t need to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money but they are a visible sign of your love and will leave your spouse feeling happy and secure in your relationship.
Fourth is acts of service. Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates and values. It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. These little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, and will ensure a happy relationship. Fifth is physical touch. Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language, physical touch can make or break the relationship. This can include sex but that is only one dialect of physical touch. Take the time to learn the touches your mate likes. What type of touch makes you feel secure is not necessarily what will make your spouse feel secure and happy. They can be big acts, such as back massages or lovemaking, or little acts such as touches on the cheek or a hand on the shoulder.
One of the challenges in making marriage work is realizing that we’re so different. Men and women think differently, our biochemistry is different, we communicate differently, we listen and we interpret information differently and how we give and receive love is different. That can create challenges and even strains in the marriage. Do you know that in states with no fault divorce the number one reason is “irreconcilable differences.” Marriage is learning those differences and knowing how to navigate them. This is why Paul tells us, “Bear with each other.” You are going to have to put up with each other and learn to bear with each and your differences.
Fourth, you have to forgive each other. Paul goes on to say, “…forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Forgiveness is a choice. You don’t forgive only if or when you feel like forgiving. You forgive because you’ve been forgiven. Because of that you choose to forgive, you do forgive and then you begin to feel it. The three most important words to make a marriage last is, “I am sorry.” You also have to say, I’ve forgiven you. No marriage can survive without being well-oiled by grace.
Fifth, give thanks for your spouse. Three times in Colossians 3 Paul says we have to give thanks, have gratitude in our hearts and we have to be thankful. If you focus on all of the things of your spouse which irritate you, you will not be loving or happy with your spouse. But if you choose to focus on all of the good things and the blessing your partner brings to you then your outlook will change toward your spouse and your heart will change as well. So count your blessings in your spouse. Look for the things which are good in them. Your spouse is a gift from God to you and our goal is to be a gift from God to your spouse. Focus on the blessings, you will find your heart is filled with gratitude.
Anita M. Gogno writes, A few years ago my husband, Charlie, and I had some marital problems. Growing family responsibilities and financial worries took a toll on us, and we began arguing frequently, often late into the night. Even going out together for dinner was strained and full of forced conversation. But neither of us could take the step that would end our 11-year marriage and bring heartbreak to our three young children. Deep down we knew we still loved each other, so we pledged to work it out. The year that followed was hard. Charlie and I had grown neglectful about expressing ourselves, and for too long we had let small differences and disappointments build between us. We had stored up reserves of anger and resentment that pushed us apart. But through countless discussions and a lot of prayer, we began to close the gulf. The more honest we were, the closer we became. When I felt we were reaching solid ground, I asked my husband to give me an “eternity ring.” I had bought the advertising hype hook, line, and sinker: Show her you’d marry her all over again. It was not so much the ring I wanted; it was the reassurance I thought it would bring. We went shopping on a beautiful summer day, my birthday. We left the kids with their grandparents and had a leisurely lunch before walking hand in hand along Jeweler’s Row in Philadelphia. Finally I found a ring I liked. While waiting for it to be adjusted, the jeweler took my left hand and peered at my engagement ring. “May I clean it for you?” he asked. Charlie hunched over me and leaned on the glass case. “It really doesn’t sparkle like it used to,” he said. I slipped the ring off my finger. A few minutes later the jeweler was back. The ring shown like new! On the drive home, I couldn’t take my eyes off it. I forgot all about the eternity ring. I just couldn’t believe how this old ring suddenly sparkled the way it had the day Charlie gave it to me. I had taken it for granted these past years, but with a little polish it could still make my heart beat fast. And that’s the way it is with a marriage. You have to work at keeping it polished and new, or else the grime of the passing years will hide the joy. I put my hand on the seat between us and spread my fingers. Charlie covered my hand with his. As we pulled into the driveway, I said a prayer of thanks to God for helping me see the sparkle in something old when I thought I needed something new.
If you’re married, take the hand of your spouse. I’m going to pray for Giovanna but as I do I want you to pray for your spouse.
