The Ministry and Meaning of Friendship
Genesis 2:18, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, John 15:1
David W. Smith writes Chuck had been perhaps the most hard-working salesman in his company’s history. He usually spent 65 to 75 hours a week at the office when he wasn’t traveling. And when he was on the road ninety hours. Of course, no one complained about his schedule. If anything, others were jealous of his success. He generated incredible revenues, beating all other sales representatives hands down year after year. And his lifestyle showed off his success. His suits were top of the line, he bought a new car every two years, and his house was worth a million dollars. He was even married to one of the most beautiful women in town, and he had two children, both of whom were doing well in school. Of course, he made sure that his family had every material desire they wanted. What more did he (or they) need?
Friends. Males friends. He spent so much time working and winning in the marketplace that he had no time to spend developing friendships with other men. Certainly he knew many people at work, and he came in contact daily with clients who relied on him and his expertise. But no one knew Chuck. Nothing really mattered to Chuck but the next sale. This was all he lived for. Then Chuck retired. He walked out of the office after receiving one of the grandest retirement parties his company had ever thrown. He had worked hard for more than 40 years. Now he looked forward to enjoying all the wealth and prestige he had acquired over the years. But frustrated and hurt from years of neglect, his lovely wife left him. And his children, who had since left home to begin their own lives, rarely visited him. They really didn’t know him, and he didn’t know them well either. He had never had the time to spend with them while they were growing up. Now they didn’t have the time or inclination to spend with him. The few times they managed to get together, conversation waned after only an hour, so visits were largely conducted on the telephone – about once every two or three months, and then calls lasted only about fifteen minutes.
Lonely, Chuck tried to keep up a few relationships he had had with some of his former coworkers. They would get together to talk shop, but soon they had little time for him since they were busy meeting the demands of their jobs, just as he had done during his working years. And then David W. Smith writes, “Within a year after his retirement, Chuck became a stranger – or was he in some sense always a stranger? – at the company for which he had spent his life diligently working. Feeling unwanted and unneeded, he stopped coming around. Calls from his kids also grew more infrequent. Chuck was alone and friendless.” Chuck’s story confirms a recent study which found that the majority of men do not have a close relationships or friends with whom they can share their struggles. A recent Gallop survey has found that Americans today are lonelier than ever. We are spending more time alone and yet desiring to be able to connect on a meaningful level with other people.
One of the things that Scripture teaches us is that this is not the way God meant it to be. God thinks friendship is very important. In fact God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” That statement tells us that we have a fundamental need and desire to be in relationship to other people. God knew that and so God gives us the gift of companionship and help from each other. You and I were created for relationship with each other. Bill Withers captured this in his song, “We all need somebody to lean on.” Stand By Me. And somebody needs us. We are in need of friendship and others are in need of our friendship.
What is friendship. Many of us are satisfied with acquaintances as close friends. Close friends are the people we hang out with or occasionally socialize with. For some friendship is people I hang out with after work. For others, it’s people I play golf, fish or hunt with. Ralph Waldo Emerson said A friend is someone with whom I may be sincere and before whom I may think aloud. Oscar Wilde found that it’s easier to find people who will sympathize with you during the difficult times but harder to find people who will celebrate with you during the good times. It requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success. We need those types of friends as well. Mark Twain said, Grief can take care of itself but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to share it with. Henry Ford captured it when he said, My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.
We need one another. Christianity and the NT teaches us that we have to have people with us on the spiritual journey, people we cna trust, encourage us and hold us accountable to our faith. Jesus said, By this they will know that you are my disciples in that you love one another.” Jesus is constantly telling us you are friends and thus meant to love, care for and nurture one another. Paul said it this way, we are to bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. The law of Christ is fulfilled only when we bear one another’s burdens. We also find Paul saying Colossians 3:16 “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God” You can let the word of God dwell in you richly. You can even sing by yourself but what you can’t do is teach and admonish yourself in all wisdom.
Now there’s challenges to making friends. The largest challenge is time. It takes time to make close friendships. When Luke reaches 3 or 4 we found it harder and harder to have close friends. The is accentuated all the more when you have both parents working because when you get to Friday night, you feel like you need to spend that with family. Saturday is for getting all the work done around the house and running errands around town. And Sunday is for church. As the kids get older, there’s all types of extra curricular activities from sports to art classes to church activities. And what you find is that there is never going to be time unless you make time. Now what I’ve discovered is that we have people who are our friends but we don’t spend much time with them and thus aren’t able to invest in those relationships to make it what we need. The fact is you are not going to really connect with anyone unless you make the time to do so. But for your own spiitual, physical and mental well-being you have to take some time away from the other activities of the week to cultivate friendships.
It’s not only in cultivating friendships that we find a challenge but it’s also in maintaining friendships. Part of the challenge in maintaining friendships is that our friends aren’t perfect. When we just want to hang out, they need to talk about a problem. They do things that irritate us, they upset us, they disappoint us on a regular basis. Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion. The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage. The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts." This is friendship unfortunately because other people are going to hurt you or let you down. But here’s the thing: we’re going to do the same thing to them. That’s why Paul says, Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” Why do we need to do this because you are going to disppoint, betray and hurt one another and only friendships that are well-oiled with grace will stand the test of time.
I’m guessing there’s somebody inin your life who needs t apoligize to you and there’s probably someone in your life who needs to apologize to you. And somewhere in this message I’m praying that you will hear the call of God to act on that. We ca only sustain any friendship when there’s an ample amount of grace.
Last week I ntroduced you to Martin Buber’s book, I and Thou in which Buber says there are two kinds of relationships in our lives. We have I-Thou relationships, authentic relationships in which two people are co-equals and are mutually invested and sharing in that relatinship. There’s also the I-It relationship which objectifies the other person in that relationship. It’s not about what you give but what they will do for you. It’s about they do for you and how they contribute to our lives. There’s a book called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. He came to look at his life over time as a movieand in this movie he was the star and everyone was just actors who came in and out of the scenes. He writes, I was in every scene. In fact, I was the only one in every scene. If somebody would walk into my scene it would frustrate me because they were disrupting the general theme of the play or the movie, namely my comfort or glory. The most difficult lie I have ever had to confront was thjis: life is a story about me. No drug is so powerful as the drug of self. No rut in the mind is so deep which say I am the world. The world belongs t me. All people are simply characters in my play or movie. There is no addiction so powerful as self addiction” This is the I-It relationship and for many of us, this is where we ive in our relationships.
What the Bible calls us to is to look at people differently than this. We begin to look at the other as important as we look or consider ourselves, to love our neighbor as ourself, to put the needs of others ahead of our own, Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves Paul says in Phil. 2:3. In order to start or maintain these types of relationships there are several things we need to do. First, in order to have I-Tou relationships and achieve what God calls us to have in our relationships, you have to first make relationships a priority. You have to decide this really is important. It’s not enough to think it’s a good thing. You have to realize that God calls you to be a friend and to allow others to be a friend to you.
Second, you have to make friendship a priority. I’m suggesting to you that you have to devote at least 4 hours a week to friendship: one hour a week in a Bible study or Sunday school class ands two hours doing the things you need to do to maintain your friendships. That means going to lunch, making phone calls, writing emails, sending cards, going shopping together. Where do you get those 4 hours. You have to make a decision that maintaining your friendships is more important than something else you’re doing, like watching TV, reading the newspaper or making the house immaculate. Another way to do that is to include friends in your activities even if its going shopping together. What you’ll find is that the payoff for developing your friendships is infinitely greater than many of the other things you do.
Third, be quick to listen and slow to speak. James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak.” God gave you two ears and one month as a contsatnt reminder of the amount of time you are meant to listen and speak in your relationships. Yet many people do just the opposite, they talk twice as much as the listen to their friends. Actual listening is valuing what people have to say and hearing it. It also involves reading between the lines, not only hearing the words but watching the facial expressions and non verbal gestures.
Fourth, cultivate concern for others. By nature we are like Donald Miller who see other people coming in and out of our lives as characters in a movie. But Paul says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.Phil 3:3 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Fifth, love others sacrificially, This is what Jesus had in mind when he commanded us to love another and then he said, Greater love no one had than this that you lay down your life for your friends.” Ron Otto writes, “During my scuba diving training, I asked what should be done if we see a shark. Should we try to stab it with our diving knife? The instructor said, "Don’t do that! You’ll only make him mad." Then with a smile he went on, "If you see a shark coming after you, take out your knife, and then cut your buddy and swim like crazy." You have to give and take in that relationship because it’s not about what you do together as much as it is about being together.. Give up something of yourself for someone else, consistently sacrificing on their behalf.
Sixth, bless them regularly, This week, I want you think about who your friends are and how you can bless them this week? Look for ways to bless your friends. Take them out for coffee, give them a small gift, write them a note of thanks for being a good friend. Find ways about being intentional to bless them as a friend.
Seventh, share meaningful experiences and conversations. It’s hard to develop friendship when all you do is talk about the weather, or the Saints or what happening in New Orleans. Talk about your heart. Share what’s really happening in your life. When you begin to talk about spiritual matters and the things going on in our world which are really important, you being to cultivate authentic relationships.
As we have already talked about, developing deeper, long lasting relationships is about Eight, extend grace or forgiveness to them.
Hadden Robinson wrote in an article in Christianity Today, “Unfortuantely, I haven’t made many new friends in recent years and one of my regrets is having neglected old relationships that could now warm my life if I had only given them the attention they deserve.” I suspect many of us can identify with that.
I want to invite you today to make the decision to have healthy, whole and deep Christian relationships with others. I think it’s important that you have friends in the church which is important to your spiritual journey and holiness in your walk of faith.
While walking home from school, Mark noticed the boy ahead of him had stumbled to the ground and dropped everything he was carrying. Mark hurried to the boy’s side and helped him collect his belongings. Surprisingly, the boy was carrying an especially hefty load. There was a baseball glove and bat, a couple of sweaters, a small tape recorder, and an armful of books. Mark helped him carry the things home and his new friend, Bill, was most appreciative of his compassion. During the walk home, Mark discovered Bill was struggling in school and had just broken up with his girlfriend. When they arrived at Bill’s house, he invited Mark in for a Coke and they spent the rest of the afternoon talking, laughing, and watching TV. They became the best of friends. Several weeks before graduation, Bill approached Mark and asked him if he remembered that day they met when Mark helped him with all of his stuff. Mark nodded as he remembered. Bill then asked, “Did you ever wonder why I was carrying so many things that day?” Without pausing for an answer, Bill explained he had cleaned out his locker and was going home to take his life. He had been storing away sleeping pills and was headed home to end it all when Mark happened along to help him out. Bill told Mark how that simple act of befriending him inspired him to go on living. He said, “Mark, when you picked up my books that day, you saved my life!”
