What Men Wish Women Knew About Men
Ephesians 5:21-22 (The Message translation)
Dramatic reading.
Narrator: An English professor from the University of Phoenix told his class one day:
“Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she waated. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. ” A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca): He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.”Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
Gary: Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca) : This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F–KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”
(Rebecca) Jerk!.
(Gary) Wench.
(Rebecca) YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary) Go drink some tea.
What Men Wish Women Knew About Men
Ephesians 5:21-22 (The Message translation)
As much as we balance each other out and complete each other, our differences, if not understood and accepted, become a source of confusion, frustration and even division. But couples who openly acknowledge their differences and appreciate them improve their chances of avoiding strife and increasing the level of intimacy in their marriage. Last week, we looked at the 5 needs of women and how the men in their life can meet them. Today, we are going to look at the 5 needs in men’s lives and how the women in their lives can meet them.
First is unconditional love. It’s that word unconditional which sticks with us. The love we are to share with one another is to mirror and exemplify the unconditional love of God, which says God loves me no matter what. He accepts me no matter what. Unconditional love is love without limit. And our response is, “That’s easy for God, He’s God.” But we have been given that love so that we might know what it feels like to receive it and so that we might be able to share it with others. Unconditional love starts with God. We cannot lose sight of that. Our ability to give the costly love of unconditional love comes only from God’s love for us. So let me ask you a question: has your unconditional love ever been put to the test? Have the vows you took, “for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health”, been put to the test? We all need unconditional love from our spouses. Our love for each other in the good times is wonderful but the time we need unconditional love the most is times of immense testing. We need a love which won’t quit. We need to know we are accepted even when we can’t see beyond our own pain and failures.
Your response, initiative and connection to your husband are crucial to the health of your marriage and family. Your expression of unconditional love and acceptance is the very force which will drive you together during the trials and tribulations of marriage. Your standing with him in the painful times as well as the good times is one of the primary elements of marriage. Your husband desperately needs to know that you will accept him no matter what, even when he makes poor decisions or fails. Even when he feels horrible about himself, your love is a make or break reality. Your unconditional love will build him up and free him to go on. Unconditional love is the real thing. It’s the kind of love which is given when we don’t deserve it. Jesus modeled it. Paul wrote about it. God has given it to us. And you are called to share it with your husband.
Second is intimacy. When it comes to expressing intimacy, men and women are wired differently. Where women spell intimacy T-A-L-K, men spell it S-E-X. No matter how the day went, a man has the ability to shift gears immediately. That’s because men are able to compartmentalize and the sex box is on the periphery of our lives ready to be opened at any minute. Women tie all the boxes together. But for a man, all it takes is one word, one touch, one look. God created men with a strong sexual drive. In fact here’s one image of a man’s brain.
Perhaps the most important thing you need to realize is that a man finds much of his masculinity in his sexuality. This is part of our maleness and we can’t erase it. Although men differ, 50-90% of a man’s self-image is locked up in his sexuality. Sex, passion, pleasing the woman he loves is what makes a man feel like a man. Consequently, when a man experiences sexual rejection from his wife, even if it is completely understandable, he may shut down, pull away or even do something morally stupid. When a man feels like he can never meet his wife’s expectation as, he will then, often unconsciously, quit meeting her emotional needs.
Psychologically, there is a strong connection between our sexual interest and our psychological health. If we are stressed or depressed, our sexual interest diminishes. Between our brain, our hormones and our emotions, a lot can influence our sex drive and our sexual relationship in marriage. Usually, however, it isn’t the internal problems men are most worried about. It’s you. Why has it been so long since you’ve made love? Why is there no spark in you for him? Why has he been rebuffed again?
Sexual infrequency of once a week or less should be a major cause for concern in any marriage, unless mutually agreed to. When a man’s sexual needs are not met in marriage, he responds in one of three ways: he feels rejected as a person and will isolate himself and not open up for fear of further rejection. Second, he shuts down and pulls away. He may go to bed before you do, stop trying to romance you with flowers or dates, work longer hours or absorb himself in recreational activities. We also often make the women pay by not offering the very thing you need, emotional support. Third, some men turn to other women. Still others turn to fantasy or pornography. If a wife does not satisfy her husband in the area of sexual intimacy, he will eventually begin to malfunction. Gary Rosberg writes, “A wife plays a key role in keeping her husband from desiring to meet his God-given sexual needs in a place other than marriage. She is the person chosen by God to fill those needs. That doesn’t mean she is a sex slave; it means she has the privilege of being the sole person to meet her husband’s sexual needs and to have him meet hers as well. Thus, you play a vital role in your husband’s contentment.”
When you respond to him sexually, you affirm him beyond anything you can imagine. This then results in a reciprocal response from the man. “Barbara Rosberg says, “We as women will often respond sexually when our need for tenderness and affection is met. Our husbands on the other hand, respond tenderly after their sexual needs are met. …When I listen to my husband’s needs and step closer to him sexually, he is greatly affirmed. Then he can’t wait to give me the tenderness I need. We both just need to look out for ways to serve each other.”
Third is friendship. Men need friendships just as women do. Studies have found that it is increasingly difficult for men to have friendships, in part because of the busyness of our lives but also because men do not have the communication abilities that women do. Many men have few or no close friends and that means a friendship with his wife is all the more important. When the rubber meets the road, there is one person a husband always wants to know they can turn: his wife. Men need and desire to have really only one best friend, you.
Best friends receive and love you regardless of what you have done, despite the hurt, pain, loss or failure you may be experiencing. Best friends give as well as seek. They put aside their agendas and seek to minister to and meet the needs of another. They feel with you rather than impose their own feelings on you.
Walls which divide aren’t built in a day. Instead they need to come down brick by brick. The internal walls that divide a husband and wife need to be replaced with a healthy wall around the marriage and their friendship. This then allows each to take risks by becoming vulnerable and transparent, allowing our souls to connect. A husband wants to feel safe with you, though he may be loathe in admitting that. He needs to explore with you what is churning around in his heart and soul. The truth is he is probably somewhat insecure inside, but he is unlikely to tell you that straight out. He just knows that he takes a risk with you by revealing what’s going on inside, he doesn’t want to be judged or rejected. Most guys I know want to reach out, they just don’t want to be misunderstood. So start building a friendship in your marriage as early as possible. It’s never too late to begin.
One of the great gaps between husbands and wives is their notions of emotional intimacy. If you are like most women, intimacy means sharing secrets, talking little things over, cuddling and so on. But a man builds intimacy differently. He connects by doing things together. Working in the garden or on a project in the house gives him a feeling of closeness. This is one reason why husbands place a great deal of importance on having their wives as recreational companions. Friendship doesn’t happen overnight, even between marriage partners. True friendship which involves, trust, vulnerability, honesty and encouragement and shared interests and activities, takes time to develop and mature. And friendship between a husband and wife requires the same. You have to work at it until you reach the friendship and companionship stage, which makes a great marriage feel comfortable.
Fourth is encouragement. I’m breaking the guy code here but we really are just boys trapped in oversized bodies. Being appreciated is a primary need in a man’s life. Admiration is a fuel which keeps us going. There is a significant difference between men and women when it comes to being admired. Women derive their worth more from who they are while men derive their worth from what they do. He measures his worth through his achievements, big and small, and needs them to be recognized. When a man does not receive admiration from his spouse, he begins to lose motivation to try, his energy is drained and he begins to feel inadequate and stops giving. He responds to not being admired the same way you do when he invalidates your feelings. It is demoralizing. So admiration is the fuel which gets him going and keeps him going.
This isn’t easy any man to admit. And we fight the battle with aging just as you do. The receding hairline, the increasing waistline, the inability of the body to physically do what we used to is pretty demoralizing. In many respects, each day we are proving our manhood to others around us, to ourselves but most of all, to you. That’s one reason we love competition. We can’t get enough of it. We love the challenge and the thrill of victory. But even more than that, we want someone cheering us on. We need to know we are special and that you and our family are proud of us. And no matter how old we get, that still in us. This is why the voice of affirmation and encouragement we need to hear the most is from our wives.
One of best sources of encouragement can be at times leaving a man alone. Where women often want to talk when under stress, John Gray says men go into their caves. This is his metaphor for when men “become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man’s needs for feeling good are different from a woman’s. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems.” When a man gets upset, he never talks about but rather withdraws to think about his problem and find a solution. So whenever a man is under stress, he requires a little space. At such times, he becomes absent-minded, unresponsive, absorbed and pre-occupied. While in his cave, he is incapable of giving attention and feeling she normally receives and certainly deserves. His mind is preoccupied and powerless to release it. Leslie Parrot writes, “This is why some wives complain because their husbands don’t immediately talk about their day when they come home from work. They first want to read the paper or water the lawn, anything to clear their minds before engaging in relationship. Giving your husband the space when he needs it, whether you understand it or not will gain you a happier husband.” The good news is that when he finds a solution, he almost immediately comes out of it and able to be in relationship again.
Dr. Ernest Mellor tells of attending an outdoor performance by young Suzuki violin students. After the concert, an instructor spoke briefly on how children as young as two, three and four years old are taught to play violin. The first thing the children learn, he said, is a proper stance. And the second thing the children learn--even before they pick up the violin--is how to take a bow. "If the children just play the violin and stop, people may forget to show their appreciation," the instructor said. "But when the children bow, the audience invariably applauds. And applause is the best motivator we’ve found to make children feel good about performing and want to do it well." And then he writes, “Men love applause too. Being affirmed makes us feel wonderful. If you want to rekindle or keep the flame of love glowing in your marriage through the years, try showing and expressing your appreciation for your mate. Put some applause in your marriage and watch love grow.”
Fifth is spiritual connection. If you talk to most men, you would find that leadership is one of the greatest challenges they face on a day-to-day basis. Many of us don’t know how to lead, we think we’re lousy at it or we think we don’t deserve to lead. We try to lead, even in the home, but the reality is we don’t know how to do it very well. That is especially true when it comes to spiritual leadership. More often that not, we opt out of it because we don’t know how to do it and we fear appearing and feeling inept and inadequate in it. Yet, it is a Biblical command.
Being a spiritual leader is the toughest job your husband will ever take on. Why? Because to take that on, he must reject everything our culture has taught him and ingrained in him about masculinity. Faith is about humbling ourselves before God. It’s about being a spiritual leader but also about following. Many men don’t lead very well and a lot of men don’t know how to follow. When we’re leading our family and following God, we have to reject out know-it-all attitude. We have to recognize that our world and sometimes our lives are out of our control. In other words, we have to decrease so Jesus can increase. The call to faith is to die to self and through our re-birth, grow in him. We are called to lay down our life, magnify him and serve others so that the world and our families will see him. Humbling ourselves before God is so “un-masculine.” That’s hard for us because it’s so countercultural. But it’s also why you, a woman of faith, need to be there for him. If your husband is going to stand strong in the faith and fulfill God’s plan for his life, he needs you. He wasn’t designed to do it alone.
You are a major part of the equation to keep your marriage spiritually on track. A marriage is really a relationship of three persons, you, your husband and God. Guys usually fall into one of three categories: those who don’t get it because they didn’t grow up in the faith or their father didn’t model spiritual leadership; those who get it but are inconsistent and those who just plain rebel. These are the ones who are usually struggling deep in his heart and spirit. If your husband is going to experience spiritual intimacy and connection with God, which in turn will produce spiritual intimacy and connection with you, then he must be grounded in four areas. First is personal time in the word. Read Henry Blackaby’s study together entitled, Experiencing God. Get him a male devotional guide. Get a couples’s devotional guide or a One Year Bible to read through. Discuss what you’re reading together or separately. The key is to encourage him, don’t nag him or try to control him. Second is prayer. Most people don’t really know how to pray and haven’t been taught. So why not buy him the book “How a Man Prays for His Family.” Third is fellowship and worship. We need to worship God together as a family on a regular basis. And we need to connect with other believers on the same journey. This can be a source of great encouragement in your husband’s spiritual journey. Fourth is spiritual intimacy in the marriage and family. Help your husband by studying, praying and worshiping and encouraging him in these endeavors.
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?" You can have the man of your dreams, the husband you married, back if you seek to meet his needs and minister to him.
Sermon outline:
What Men Wish Women Knew About Them
Love, Sex and Marriage
Ephesians 5:25-28
Lessons Learned from the Creation Story Last Week- Genesis 2-3
1. Men and women are different
2. Men and women need each other
3. Men and women were created to meet one another’s needs for help and companionship
The Five Needs of a Man’s Life
1. Unconditional ____________________
How to minister to this need in a woman’s life:
Love him in spite of her failures and weaknesses. Accept her the way she is.
Offer him grace for his weaknesses
Be forgiving when he offends you
Affirm him whenever you can. Do so 8-10 times more than you criticize him
Help him to feel safe with you
Let him know you understand him
Listen to his ideas
Take time to connect and go deeper with one another
Study your husband- know his strengths and his weaknesses
Make it a point to know what’s going on in his head
Build on his strengths
Stand with him in the long haul and let him know you’ll get through this together
Identify his needs and serve them
2. _____________________________
How to minister to this need in a woman’s life:
Understand your husband’s God-given sex drive
Make the time to make love to him
Respond to him sexually
Let him know what pleases you sexually
Initiate sex with him
Express your passion for him and respond to him sexually
Deal with what is blocking you from enjoying your sex life
Learn what satisfies your husband
Know your husband’s sexual rhythms
Ask him:
What would show you that I am interested in your sexual needs
How often do you need sexual intercourse?
What satiusfies you most about our sexual relationships?
What do you need me to do more often?
What would you like to try new?
If I am not ready for sex at the same time as you are, how can I show you in a way that doesn’t make you feel rejected?
Call your husband during the day and tell him you can’t wait to have an interlude that night?
Leave him notes to stir his passion
Remind him that you are committed to meeting his needs
Tell him what draws you to him and be willing to draw close to him sexually
Flirt and play with your husband
Stir the romantic fires of your marriage
Remember, your husband responds to visual stimulation
3. _______________________________________________________
How to minister to this need in a woman’s life
Understand the differences in communication between men and women
Let him know you want to be his best friend
Identify what’s getting in the way of a close relationship between you and your spouse, ask God to help you in this area, share it with your husband
Realize he’s not going to become “one of the girls”
Give him your undivided attention
Speak the truth, but do it covered in love
Forgive him and verbally offer it to him
Show an interest in his passion and interests
Read up on some of the things he’s interested in and let him know what you’re learning
Find an activity, sport, recreational pursuit or hobby you can share in together
Encourage him and cheer him on
Share some of your own experiences to draw him closer to you as well
Remind him that your relationship is a secure and safe place to ort out whatever is going on in your heart
Express the kind of friendship you need from him
Confess anything you’ve done to hurt your husband, express sorr and demonstrate repentance and then seek his forgiveness
4. ____________________________
How to minister to this need in a woman’s life:
Step away from distractions just to listen to him
Remind him you believe in him
Cheer him on in his endeavors
Remind him you would marry him all over again
Pray for him to hear the applause of heaven
Encourage him to hear the applause and praise of others
Remind him you are always there for him
Remind him that God is there for him as well and will help him through this
Help your husband hear God’s voice
Remind him of God’s work in his life
When you see him take a stand for what is right, affirm him
Send him a card with an affirming message to his work
Tell your husband the difference you see he is making
Encourage him to be accountable to other Christian men
Encourage him to connect with his children
Encourage him to reach out and grow
Write him a note telling him how proud you are of him
Find out what he is learning in his relationship with God
Tel him in front of the kids how thankful you are for the way he provides for the family’s needs
Affirm him for the way he loves you
Never fake admiration
5. ____________________________
How to minister to this need in a woman’s life:
Pray about ways you might stimulate him to talk about his faith
Pray for his prayer life and his faithfulness to study the Word
Pray for him to establish a few close with godly men who will encourage, holdd him accountable, men with whom ne can open up and who will stand by him in good times and bad
Get out of the way of the Holy Spirit and let him work on your husband; meanwhile, make sure you are growing spirituallyBuy him a Bible
Read Experiencing God” by Henry Blackaby together
Read through the One Year Bible together
Pray together
Get a couples devotional guide and read it every day together
Let him know how meaningful it is for him to be in worship with you
Encourage him in his relationships with other men at church
Encourage him to be a part of the Men’s Ministry
Help him discover his spiritual gifts and find a ministry in which to use them
Ask you husband, How can I encourage you spiritually? How can I encourage as a leader in the home
Find a ministry in which you both can serve together
Pray for your husband every day for the next 30 days
Ask God to reveal to you where you need to step back and allow God to fulfill his work and plan in your husband’s life
Share with your husband on a regular basis what you are about God or what God is revealing to you
Discuss the above lists with your husband. Ask him to check the one which are meaningful to him. Your relationship will be greatly strengthened as you seek to meet his needs.
