What Women Wish Men Knew About Women
Ephesians 5:25-28
In the story of the creation of Adam and Eve, we find 3 things are evident. First of all, men and women are different! It’s no mistake. God created men and women to be different. We think differently. We do things differently And we look at things differently. In recent years, researchers have discovered that men and women are different biologically and psychologically. Biologically, women have larger connections between the two hemisphere’s of their brain, a lower metabolism, a more active thyroid, smaller lungs and a faster heart just to name a few. Psychologically, women have different emotional needs than men. Women are more relationally driven than men, they become an intimate part of their surroundings and need more time to adjust to change. Science has shown that biology has as much to do with our differences as does the way we are raised. The differences are so vast that one wonders how the attraction can be so great between the sexes. The differences which often drive us crazy are the very same things which attracted us to each other in the first place.
Second, men and women need each other. God designed those differences for a reason: so that we might compliment each other. There is an inherent completeness when a man and woman connect and bond with each other. Our partners make up for what we lack. When we are discouraged, they are hopeful. When we are stingy, they are generous. When we are weak, they are strong and the list goes on and on. Image In the movie “Jerry Maguire” Tom Cruise makes up with his wife Renee Zelweger at the end of the film by saying to her “You complete me.” God made us that way. It’s no mistake. We need each other because we balance each other out.
Third, men and women were created differently to meet one another’s needs for help and companionship. Genesis tells us that God saw that it wasn’t good for man to be alone. He needed a companion. So the woman was created as his partner to meet his needs. The man also found that now he had the desire and ability to meet her needs as well. Thus for each the other was a companion and helper.
As much as we balance each other out and complete each other, our differences, if not understood and accepted, become a source of confusion, frustration and even division. Too often in marriage, we overlook the fundamental differences between the sexes and assume, and even act like, they are just like us. And then we wonder why they don’t appreciate what we try to do for them because in reality, we’re doing what we would want done to us. But couples who openly acknowledge their differences and appreciate them improve their chances of avoiding strife and increasing the level of intimacy in their marriage. That’s where we come to today’s Scripture passage: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Today, we’re going to look at the 5 needs of a woman’s life and how you, a man, can meet them.
The first need in a woman’s life is unconditional love and acceptance. Your wife needs you to surround her with your love and presence, your tenderness and your desire to help heal her. Especially during the difficult times, you have an opportunity to say in a very profound way through your words and actions that you love her no matter what. It’s a chance to show your complete devotion to her. Nothing is more healing and more powerful to her than loving your wife through their difficult times or at the point of the greatest pain. Points of pain vary for woman to woman. Maybe it was something she did in the past or something which was done to her in the past. It might be a struggle with a loss, a miscarriage, the death of a parent or close friend. It might be a change of jobs or relocation to a new community. A woman needs forgiveness, patience and a safe place to heal and there is no better place for that than in the arms of unconditional love.
Author and counselor John Gray describes women as a wave because a woman’s self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she feels loved, her mood will reach a peak but then like a wave will eventually come crashing down. During these down times, suppressed negative feelings and unfulfilled needs come to the surface. Her deepest issues rise to the surface and often center on the relationship but are emotionally charged from past relationships and her childhood. She begins to spend time and energy comparing herself to others and judging herself as inadequate. She secretly fears that others are better, stronger, wiser and more beautiful than she is. This can drain away her contentment and confidence. It is during these times that she needs your unconditional love the most. If she feels loved and supported, it will help her through the process. She may not feel better automatically but it could help her to reach bottom faster and then she can and will begin to feel better. As suddenly as the wave crashed, she will rise up and be able to give love in her relationships. A man’s natural reaction during these times is to pull back when the emotional wave crashes yet this is when she really needs you to draw closer. This is not a problem to solve or fix but an opportunity to support her with unconditional love. She needs someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her as she shares her feelings and to empathize with what she is going through. To support a woman during these times is a special gift she will appreciate and John Gray states will allow future crashes to not be so extreme.
Second is intimacy. Women spell intimacy with four letters: T-A-L-K. For many women, talking is a way to work through her thoughts feelings, ideas and problems. This is the way women are hard-wired. Talking allows them to process their thoughts and emotions. They think out loud, sharing the process of inner discovery with an interested listener. Studies have found that men say 3 times as many words in public as they do in private while women say 3 times as many words in private as they do in public. That’s why these times of sharing are so important to women as they explore and discover what they think and feel. This allows her to feel more centered and ultimately feel better as a result.
Emotional intimacy occurs when her viewpoint is validated, listened to, empathized with and understood. This connects with the deepest part of her soul. Your wife needs to feel heard and understood. She needs to know she has your undivided attention and are the most important thing to her in that moment. A woman needs to have you see and experience the world the way they do. In these moments, she isn’t looking for advice or a solution but rather knowing that she is known and understood. She is looking to have her feelings validated and accepted. All they need in these moments is a listening ear, an empathizing heart, a comforting hug or a loving statement of their feelings like, “You’re under a lot of pressure, aren’t you?”
Counselor Leslie Parrot states that a women’s need for emotional intimacy is as intense as a man’s physical need for sex. If this need is not met, she may withdraw from you emotionally and physically to protect herself because she feels threatened, devalued or emotionally unsafe with you. She may look elsewhere to have her needs met. This is why most affairs for a woman start as an emotional affair.
Third is spiritual intimacy. Dr. Gary Rosenberg shares a letter he received: “Many a good Christian book for men sit on the end table beside my husband’s chair. I’ve read most of them, and they are terrific, helpful books with all kinds of wonderful advice. My husband never picks them up. He hasn’t read any of them, so how could he ever apply any of the good stuff that’s in there. I dust them off and put them back in their places each week. They look real good when we have guests, and I’m sure everyone must think he’s a super husband. The truth is, he’s a lousy husband. He puts on a good show and attends Promise Keepers and brings home more of those great books. We attend church together, and he attends leadership meetings and is active in our church. He considers himself to be a good Christian man….(But) Our marriage is not at all what I expected it to be. I thought we would have an intimate relationship, emotionally, physically (and spiritually)….I thought we would have a daily Bible study and prayer together because he appeared to be such a good Christian man…..Frankly, I’m fed up. I’m not sure I want to continue in a marriage like this.”
Spiritual intimacy for a woman can take many forms but it includes her husband’s own spiritual growth and their shared spiritual growth as a couple. It encompasses their communication about spiritual matters like making decisions according to the Bible and how to apply the Bible in their lives and marriage. A wife also wants her husband’s spiritual leadership in the home. Too often it’s the wife who plays this role alone in the home. A wife longs to experience the fulfillment that comes from knowing you love God and are willing to serve Jesus by being an effective husband and father and by leading the way. So lead by example. Be the spiritual leader in the home, by modeling a life filled with prayer, Bible study, service, reading Christian books to feed your soul, and teaching and training your children in the faith.
Your wife wants to grow spiritually and you can be a big contributor to that encouraging and supporting her in her spiritual walk. She wants you to pray for her and with her. She needs you to encourage her in identifying and using her spiritual gifts in the service of others. Show appreciation for her gifts and how God is using her. She not only wants to serve God but she wants to serve God with you. Find ministries where you can serve together. Be attentive to her spiritual journey. Is she in a dry season or a time of fruitful growth? Encourage Christian fellowship with her and others. Place your wife’s spiritual growth and holiness above your own. Be a spiritual leader and cheerleader in your home and for your wife. Serving your wife’s deepest needs and sacrificing so that she might pursue Jesus will bring a comfort and security she has never known. Studies have found that a husband and wife who build their marriage on the commitment to pursue God, grow in their faith, pray with each other and to serve others in Jesus’ name will have a deeper connection, stronger marriage, more vibrant sex life and greater longevity.
Fourth is encouragement. Who does your wife turn to when she is discouraged, overwhelmed, misunderstood, afraid or when she feels life is out of control? She wants to turn to you. That’s when a wife needs you to offer support, listen and seek to understand her feelings and be there for her. Most of all, she needs you to cheer her on. Your wife desires and craves affirmation, like “You’re the best wife a husband could have.” Or “You’re my best friend.” Or I’m so proud of you.” A woman has a need to hear her husband say she is the most important person in his life. And saying it publicly is only lagniappe. It’s not just enough to appreciate your wife. You have to tell her repeatedly. It’s not like the old man whose wife dragged him to the counselor with complaints that she didn’t feel loved and just couldn’t live that way any longer. Her husband said, “I don’t know what her problem is. She knows I love her. I told her on our wedding night. If anything changes, I’ll let her know.” Barbara Rosberg warns: “If encouragement from you isn’t a steady part of your wife’s diet, she is starving for it…..If you don’t appreciate and encourage your wife, she will turn elsewhere to get her needs met”
Women spend so much time supporting, helping and nurturing the people in their lives, they don’t always get the support, help and nurture they need in return. For a woman, a simple act or word of encouragement at the right moment can be the turning point during a struggle. In the days of the early church, Barnabas was a man known for his encouragement. Be a Barnabas for your wife. Encourage and affirm her. Actress Celeste Holm once said, “We live by encouragement and die without it. Slowly, sadly and angrily.” Show your wife encouragement each and every day by noticing, appreciating and verbalizing the nicest things you can say about your wife. You will not only warm her heart but feed her soul.
Fifth is friendship. Friendship is the foundation to any great marriage. A good friendship with your spouse lays the foundation to support other areas of your marriage relationship. Romance may fluctuate and wane but friendship lasts forever. When a man hears friendship, what goes through your mind: golfing, hunting or fishing or even watching football together? A man is content for his need of companionship to be met by simply working along side someone or doing something together. For a wife, it’s different. When she hears the word friendship, she thinks of heart to heart communication. A wife is deeply satisfied when she opens up to you and shares confidential parts of herself and you respond as a close, caring friend. It’s about risking by making yourself vulnerable through revealing your heart and soul to her. It’s about sharing your hopes and dreams as well as your frustrations and disappointments. Your wife needs you to be her best friend and with that comes the re-assurance that you will always be there for her no matter what. She then knows you are committed to her for the long haul. She wants to be the only one to whom you can really open up and be yourself. Your wife also needs a safe place to be herself and know she will be loved and accepted. Wives need to know they are safe. In fact, relationship counselor Gary Smalley says the deepest need of a woman is security, to feel safe in her relationship and marriage to her husband and a strong friendship allows her to feel safe.
It means making time for her and placing her first in your life. A woman’s affection toward her husband is diminished when he prefers activities or other people over her. For a marriage to flourish, a wife desperately needs to know she has a very special place in her husband’s heart. If your wife doesn’t sense that same excitement in you when you’re with her, she has a gnawing sense of failure because she feels she isn’t as attractive to you as your friends and activities. This can be devastating to her sense of personal worth and security. She wants you to spend time with her and she needs you to take her friendship seriously. Give your wife the deep security she needs in your friendship. Build your friendship with such stability that when you face the tough times, you will find comfort and peace in the bedrock of your marriage. And here’s the lagniappe: Gary Rosberg says when she feels safe and secure in your friendship and relationship, she will actually encourage you to go out do other things.
There’s the story of a husband who heard a lecture on love and marriage and meeting your wife’s needs. So he came home from work one day with a box of candy and a dozen red roses. His wife started to cry. “Oh this is terrible. The baby cut his finger, I burned your dinner, the sink is stopped up……. and now you come home drunk!” Gary Smalley writes, Don’t be surprised if your wife doesn’t understand your actions at first. It took at least two years before mine would admit that I was really changing. (But) now she knows I am committed to spending the rest of my life developing our relationship and meeting her needs.”
At the heart of friendship is respect and honor. That means you are careful in what you say and how you treat her. You learn to hold your tongue when it could hurt her. You work to bring out the best in her. Your wife needs to know that you want what’s best for her. She needs you to honor and cherish her. That means speaking to her kindly and respectfully, not berating or belittling her. It means putting her needs ahead of your own. It means speaking positively about her to others and recognizing and acknowledging her qualities and virtues. She needs you to apologize when you have hurt her and to admit you’re wrong when you are.
I want to close with a challenge from Gary Smalley in his book,” If Only He Knew.” He believes the cause of discord in many marriages is the result of accumulated offenses. Too often the culprit in those offenses is the man and it’s his responsibility to clear them up. He tells of a conversation with his wife after he offended her one morning. He asked for her forgiveness and she gave it. He then thought that this was awfully one sided and said, How come I’m always the one that has to ask for forgiveness?” His wife said, I’d be happy to admit where I’m wrong and seek your forgiveness if I have offended you. Gary said, That’s too much! There are lots of things you have done to offend me.” What are they? She asked. “Give me a minute.” And as long and hard as he tried, he couldn’t think of one. And every time he didn’t feel respected or when her words were harsh, it was because he had rolled out of the bed grouchy or he had been critical of her all day.
As a result, Gary Smalley suggests five steps for husbands to take to bring healing to their marriage. First, endeavor to understand how you have hurt or offended your wife. If you don’t know, just ask her. Second, admit that you’ve participated in weakening your marriage. Yes it takes two to tango but you’ve had a hand in it. Third, express genuine sorrow to your wife whenever you offend her. This is the hardest step, sharing how you have been wrong. The more specific you are, the more you show your wife you truly understand what you have done. Fourth, ask for her forgiveness. A woman loves to hear her man say, “Will you forgive me.” Some women may need a track record of demonstrated forgiveness before granting it. She may grant forgiveness but it may take some time to feel forgiving. Lastly, let her see your consistent and sincere efforts to correct offensive actions and words.
Barbara Rosberg writes, “When a man treats his wife carelessly, she is usually offended far deeper than she realizes. She begins to close him out, and if he continues to hurt her feelings, she will separate herself from him emotionally and physically…..A wife simply will not respond to her husband when he continually hurts her feelings without clearing the slate-draining ways the anger.” Yes, there may be pain on both sides. But someone has to take the first step toward healing and forgiveness. Without it, you will never be able to move forward in your marriage. So why not you? And why not today? Amen and Amen.
Sermon outline
Rethinking Marriage: How Men and Women Got Their Start
Love, Sex and Marriage
Genesis 2:18-25
Lessons from the Creation Story- Genesis 2-3
1. Men and women are ____________________________
2. Men and women _______________________________________________
3. Men and women were created to meet one another’s needs for ________________ and ____________________________
The Five Needs of a Woman’s Life
1. Unconditional ____________________ and ______________________________
How to minister to this need in a woman’s life:
Love her in spite of her failures and weaknesses. Accept her the way she is.
Let her feel your approval and affection
Comfort her when she is down emotionally
Discover her greatest pain, fears, vulnerability, insecurities and failures and love her. Share in them with her, offer forgiveness, patience, love and a safe place to heal
When she fails or disappoints you or others, encourage her through unconditional love
Stand with her in the long haul and let her know you’ll get through this together
When she feels insecure and self-conscious, compliment and affirm her-tell her what you love about her, be sensitive about touchy issues
Respect her opinion and validate it- hear her out and ask questions
Talk with her and really listen with undivided attention- set up regular times to talk. Listen with care
Spend time with her by giving up some things for her
Identify her needs and serve them
Be creative in how you express your love to her
Be forgiving when she offends you
Allow your wife to fail
Express how much you appreciate her and love her, often
Tell her how proud you are of her
2. _____________________________ spelled _____________________________
How to minister to this need in a woman’s life:
Understand your wife’s need for emotional intimacy- commit to meet it
Stop giving your wife your emotional leftovers- have time and energy for her
Engage your wife emotionally and value what she says. Be interested in what she says is important
Make sure you understand by repeating what she has said and cheering her on
Resist the urge to solve and reserve your judgment. Just empathize
Listen to her and draw her out by asking questions
Give her your undivided attention
Make sure she feels listened to and understood
Share the smallest details of your life
Open up and articulate what you are thinking about. Share your feelings too.
Ask her what she thinks about things in your life. Show her you need her.
Avoid toxic emotions and harsh, brash, critical words
Non-sexually touch her that communicate genuine care
Have a date night, go out to dinner, go for a walk or go out for coffee
Go with her when she runs errands
Remember this kind of connection takes time- find it and give it
Sit down at the end of the day and talk about what went on
Admit your mistakes. Ask for or offer forgiveness.
Remember, for a woman, intimacy must be genuine and constant
Write her a letter and tell her everything that’s been emotionally burdening you
3. _______________________________________________________
How to minister to this need in a woman’s life
Take charge of your own spiritual growth-m set the pace for your household and read books on how to lead your family spiritually
As your wife what her specific needs are in this area
Encourage her in her spiritual growth
Worship together regularly
Read the Bible daily individually and together
Get in a men’s group and encourage her to be in a women’s group
Get involved in a weekly Bible study together
Pray for each other and with each other
Give her the time and energy to invest in spiritual growth
Discover yours and her spiritual gifts and use them in ministry- serve together and as a family
Pray before your meals
Teach your children the faith in word (the Bible) and in deed (by example)
Pray with your children
Have family devotions (Bible study and discussion) several times a week
4. ____________________________
How to minister to this need in a woman’s life:
Daily doses of “I love you”
Write her a letter occasionally, expressing how you feel about her
Have a regular date night, at least twice a month
Compliment her often
Give her timeouts from her routine to re-charge her battery
Affirm her, e.g. “You’re the best wife a husband could ever have” or Have I told you how proud I am of you”
Tell her how valuable and important she is as a wife- say thank you
Give her some space when she needs it
Let her talk your ear off when she needs it
Remind her of all things she is doing right
Take home flowers for no particular reason
Tell her how great a mother she is
Help out with the sick kids
Help out with the household duties like the laundry or grocery shopping
Lovingly challenge her negative thinking with declarations of positive truth
Teach her to receive and not always be giving
Brag about her to your friends and have her catch you doing it
Reflect her love language to her. How does she express her love to you? Do the same for her
Do special things for her like cleaning out her car and leave a card says, “Simply because I love you”
Allow her to teach you without putting up your defenses
Let her take a bubble bath while you do the dishes
Discover her dreams and help her achieve them
Do little things for her- an unexpected kiss, coffee in bed etc.
Hold her hand in public, put your arm around her in front of your friends
Give her a special gift from time to time
Be sympathetic when she is sick
5. ____________________________
How to minister to this need in a woman’s life:
View her as an equal partner- do things together as partners and make decisions together
Respect and honor her; regard her as important.
Treat her as an intellectual equal
Apologize when you have hurt her
Be gentle and tender with her
Want what’s best for her and help her receive it
Help her to feel safe and secure in your relationship,
Tell her you will be her companion no matter what- Hide “I’ll never leave you” notes in inconspicuous places
Be interested in her interests
Let he see that you enjoy being with her
Help her to feel comfortable to share everything for you
Help her to feel safe to be herself
Have integrity- let your yes be yes and your no be no
Speak to her kindly and respectfully
Do things together- errands, housework, yardwork or shopping
Take her out to lunch during the week
Turn down a night with the guys telling them you want to be with your wife
Play together- find an activity you like doing together
Cuddle under a blanket and watch movies all day
Take a walk with her, holding her hand and tell her how much she means to you
Find a regular time to get away from home and jobs
Go to a bed and breakfast inn
Go back a visit a place which was meaningful in your relationship
Give her advice in a loving way when she asks for it
Defend her to others
Prefer her over others
Get rid of habits that annoy her
Practice common courtesies like opening the door
Plan your future together
Don’t criticize her in front of others
Discuss the above lists with your wife. Ask her to check the one which are meaningful to her. Your relationship will be greatly strengthened as you seek to meet her needs.
