Training Up: Parents or Children
Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”
I’m sure there are some Christian parents who would like Proverbs 22:6 to read this way: “Rear your children as moral, upright, God-fearing, church going kids. Be sure they carry a Bible to church, attend lots of Sunday school classes, and each summer attend Christian camps. Enforce your rules and regulations with consistency and discipline. Make sure they learn the Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule, and several key verses of Scripture. Teach them to pray, and be sure they come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. They will rebel, but when they’re old and decrepit – they’ll come back to the Lord…but only if you raised them right.”
There is a lot more to understanding and applying Proverbs 22:6 to raising children than an idealistic view of the verse. Many of us would agree with John Wilmot who wrote: “Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children, now I have six children and no theories.”
With our four children my wife and I were often the ones in training. Our first child seemed to be in control. At every little cry we were on the alert to take care of him. We trended to be very lenient. We didn’t want to scar his soul.
I heard one father say that when their child cried at night he would get up and go to his child and sleep with his child. His child had a great night’s sleep. The next morning the child was full of vim and vigor and vitality. The father dragged through the day with lack of sleep.
Proverbs 22:6 teaches several lessons:
I. Raising Children is a High Calling “Train up a child…”
In raising children we soon come to realize each of our children are unique. We can’t raise our children with a cookie-cutter approach. Children raised in the same environment can be totally different. This fact has been true since the beginning of human kind. Adam and Eve gave birth to Cain and Abel. Cain loved the outdoors working the fields and Abel was a shepherd caring for the flocks of sheep and cattle. The sons of Isaac, Jacob and Esau were opposite in their character. Esau was an outdoorsman and Jacob loved hanging around the house and cooking meals in the kitchen. The oldest son of Jesse, Eliab was opposite of the youngest son, David.
To give adequate training to our children requires that parents get their own training for the task of parenting. During our early years of raising 4 children Carollyn and I did a lot of studying of books on parenting. The popular book of our day was by Dr. Spock. Dr. Spock has a lot of good things to say, but for the most part Dr. Spock’s permissive child raising instructions don’t work.
The best approach to child rearing is being a teachable parent. As a parent we tend to be either rigid or flexible in raising our children. We need to adjust our discipline according to the temperament of each child.
Ideally it takes two, mom and day, to raise healthy children, but God’s grace is available to help single parents raise healthy and well balanced children who honor the Lord and honor their single parent father or mother.
There are many important virtues needed by parents in raising children. I would say that near the top is unconditional love. Consistent love the quality of love taught in I Corinthians 13 is paramount in training up a child. “Love is patient and kind, love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and keeps no record of when it has been wronged. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” When adequate love is missing the outcome is often damaged emotions.
Sue Thompson, a popular speaker with a master’s degree in clinical psychology, tells about her brother’s struggle with life in her book, The Prodigal Brother.
Her parents adopted Sue when she was an infant. A few months after he adoption her adopted mother was thrilled to know she was pregnant. A new baby brother was born two months pre-mature. For weeks the baby lived in an incubator. In 1957 the medical field didn’t understand the importance of parent bonding and love to an infant.
In her studies in clinical psychology, Sue Thompson, came to believe that her stepbrother was emotionally damaged by not having his parents hold him every day and tell him of their love.
When the baby was finally taken home he seemed to cry constantly, and nothing seemed to satisfy him. In first grade he would bust into screaming, crying and cussing without any cause. He was violent, destroyed property and laughed while harming animals. No amount of discipline made any difference in his attitude.
He started taking drugs before the age of 12, dropped out of school at 15 and arrested for drunk driving. His parents bailed him out time and time again. He drained them financially. He died in his early 40s.
Sue Thompson summarizes the life of her prodigal brother with two thoughts:
1. He lacked love early on in his life – from birth he felt abandoned.
2. His parents over compensated for his behavior and allowed him to live a promiscuous life-style.
“Train up a child” begins with unconditional love. Children are blessed who have a parent or parents who assure them of their love and often hear, “I love you,” “I’m proud of you,” “You are good at…,” and you are loved by God.
“Train up a child’ includes adequate discipline and boundaries. Look at the second part of Proverbs 22:6 “The way he should go.”
Raising children is a high calling and
II. Raising Children involves giving Guidance and Coaching
“Train up a child in the way he should go…”
“Point your kids in the right direction – when they’re old they wont be lost.” Proverbs 22:6 Message
“Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older, they will remain upon it.” NLT
In raising children parents lead the way. How do you feel about this question: “If your children want to be like you, is that a good thing?”
You train your children by how they see you respond to crisis. Do your children know that their father truly loves their mother. Do you children know that you have their best interests in mind and want what’s best for them?
“Train up a child in the way the parent wants them to go…” No, “Train up a child in the way he, she should go.” Training involves lots of coaching and giving guidance. It’s a slow process of guiding and not demanding with unreal expectations.
Our task as parents is to coach and guide and allow God to do His work as He pleases. By our coaching and guidance we encourage our children to have a “Can Do” attitude. Whatever the Lord calls you to do He will help you to do it.
We have been blessed with four high achievers. Each on of our four children had different temperaments, two were more task oriented, our second son and youngest daughter. Two are more people persons, our oldest son and oldest daughter.
Tim always had an interest in music. He graduated from Azusa University in Azusa, CA with a Masters in conducting. For years he served as a worship leader. Now he’s involved in producing Children’s ministry programs and commercials.
Wendel was an outdoorsman. He loved hunting and fishing. His first thought was to become a Forest Ranger. He graduated from Central College, Greenville College, and the Southeast School of Osteopathic Medicine in Miami, FL., and is finishing his 15th year as a Medical Doctor in Tribune, a town in West Kansas.
Annette enjoyed ice-skating and competed in free style ice-skating during her high school years. She worked in pre-schools and is now taking some college classes and a homemaker.
Janette had her fling of attending a modeling school during her high school years and competed the modeling school. After one shoot she lost interest. (PTL) She completed her CPA studies and later received her MBA degree. She currently is a financial consultant to start-up restaurant chains.
Our responsibility as parents is to coach, pray, and encourage our children. We encourage them to honor the Lord in their lives and let God lead them.
As you coach your children:
Don’t have unrealistic expectations for them.
Don’t compare your children with others.
Determine to bring the best out in your children.
Give affirmation and praise.
Garrison Keillor, in his book, WE Are Still Married, tells about a baseball team named the Lake Wobegon Schroeders, so named because the starting nine were brothers, sons of E.J. Schroeder. Everyone in town knew that E.J. never affirmed his boys. If one of them swung a bad pitch, E.J. would spit and curse and rail at him. If a son got a hit, E.J. would say, “Blind man “coulda” hit that one. If one hit a home run he’d say: “ The wind practically took that one out of here.”
In one game the oldest son, Edwin Jim, Jr, had to run back near the fence and threw his glove 40 feet in the air and caught the ball to win the game. He turned to look at his dad and E.J. was on his feet clapping, but when he saw his son look at him, he immediately pretended he was swatting mosquitoes.
As parents we need to often find ways to say: “You did a great job, and I’m proud of you.”
Dan Baber honored his mother by posting an auction on eBay titled “Best Mother in the World.” The winning bidder would receive an email from his mom, Sue Hamilton, that Baber promised would “make you feel like you are the most special person on Earth.”
During the seven-day auction run, 42,711 people responded and 92 people made bids and the prince went from $1.00 to the winning bid of $610.00. Evidently some people who never received affirmation from their own mother were willing to pay for it.
In coaching and guiding our children in the way they should go we set reasonable boundaries. Without boundaries in the home there is dysfunction and chaos. Overly permissive parents often cause children to rebel. Without boundaries the children are in charge of the home. It’s up to us as parents to enforce accountability. Our children need to know that we mean what we say and will be consistent in following through with our coaching and guidance.
Dr. Kevin Lehman in his book, Have A New Kid by Friday, writes that in order for your kids to know you mean business when the parent gives correction: 1. Say it once, 2. Turn your back, 3. Walk away.
A dog trainer and dog psychologist said that he rarely came across a bad dog. He tells dog owners there are four essential elements for developing the behavior you want in a dog.
1. Learn how dogs think.
2. Spend adequate time with your dog.
3. Be consistent, the rules you apply yesterday must be applied today and every day, no exceptions.
4. Be patient because dogs will fail as they are being trained.
Then the dog psychologist said, “You know, they’re a lot like kids.”
Back in the days when women permed their hair a lot, a mother was getting ready for a date with her husband. While rinsing her hair in the kitchen sink, she heard her two little boys rough housing who were supposed to be in bed.
She yelled and told the boys to get back into bed. The noise stopped so she lathered her hair up again but soon heard thumping and banging coming from upstairs. Now she was beginning to get angry and wrapped a towel around her head and stormed up stairs and into the room of the two boys and scolded loudly, “I told you to get in bed, I mean for you to get in bed, and you better stay in bed?”
The mother waited outside the door to see if her boys quieted down. She heard her younger son whisper to his older brother, “Who was that?”
Isn’t it amazing how what our children say can change our intense anger into laughter?
Raising children is a high calling – “Train up a child…”
Raising children involves giving guidance and coaching – “Train up a child in the way he should go…”
The last part of Proverbs 22:6 says, “and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
III. Give Your Children to the Lord
Raising children God’s way means we give our children to the Lord. We encourage our children to be the person that God created them to be. We dedicate them to the Lord and ask God to give us wisdom to be the parent God wants us to be.
My mother made many sacrifices to help me be the person God wanted me to be. She lived a consistent life that honored the Lord. She took me to Sunday school and church from day one of my life. She encouraged me to go to a Christian college and created a loving caring climate in our home even through my dad fought it all the way and refused to become the spiritual leader in our home.
My mother lived a vibrant Christian testimony, but I had to personally embrace Jesus as my Lord and Savior.
Proverbs 22:6 is not an exact science. Children that are instructed and trained in the way of the Lord do not guarantee they will follow through on their parents training. When they are old they will not depart, they will remember their early training, but they may not make it their own lifestyle.
Christian can grow up in a great Christian home but chose to go their own way. Like the prodigal son they may rebel and go their own way, and they may or may not come to their senses and repent and return to their spiritual heritage.
The choices our children make are their choices and not ours. They are responsible for their choices and not the parent. Children that refuse to go God’s way cause heartache, but parents should not be loaded down with guilt for not doing an adequate job of parenting. We give our children to the Lord and encourage, coach and guide, but the ultimate decisions they make are theirs alone to make.
We give our children to God and pray they will surrender to the Lord and live according to His Word.
Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child” – Parenting is a high calling, “in the way he should go,” – Parenting involves coaching and giving guidance, “and when he is old he will not turn from it.” – We give our children to the Lord and pray they will make the right choices.
