Note: This is the sermon manuscript that Ben carried into the pulpit. Feel free to use it in any way to advance the kingdom of God.
Questions For God:
Is It Possible to Be a Good Dad? (Part 2)
Englewood Baptist Church
Sunday Morning, Aug. 24, 2008
Turn in your Bibles to Hebrews 12.
We have been talking about questions—questions that people often ask about God.
Last week, I read to you a letter to a pastor. The letter was from a 25-year old man who had just discovered that his wife is pregnant with a little boy. For those of you who missed last week, let me read it again.
Dear Pastor,
It is 3 A.M. right now and I am writing because I really need your help. My wife and I went to see an ultrasound of our baby last week. This is our firstborn and we are told that it’s a boy! I know I should be excited to have a fishin’ buddy—a little man to carry to ball games, but I could not sleep tonight. Here is why. I never had a daddy. My dad walked out on my mom when I was 2. I don’t have a single memory of him and I have no model for fatherhood. Is it possible for me to be a good dad?
Nervously,
Dwight R.
Last week, I began answering that question by opening the Bible and sharing 10 qualities that every family needs to see in a Dad. All of these qualities are taken straight from Scripture so don’t take my word for it, take God’s Word. Let me review the first five quickly so that we can move on.
10 Qualities Every Family Needs to See in a Dad
1.A Dad who is saved and walks with God. (Gen. 5:24; 6:9)
2.A Dad who regards the Bible as a treasure. (Ps. 119:11-16)
3.A Dad who lives by courageous conviction. (Joshua 24:14-15)
4.A Dad who makes everyone feel loved. (1 Cor. 13:1-5)
5.A Dad who showers mom with love and affection. (Eph. 5:25)
Dwight, if you are listening today. I hope that you wrote those down. Those are 5 essentials to be a good Dad in God’s eyes, but there is more. Let’s look at the next five…
6. A Dad who disciplines in love. (Hebrews 12:7-11)
The Bible is very clear that the Lord disciplines his children. His purpose in discipline is not to flex his muscle or to show off his strength. He is not venting his frustration with humanity by taking it out on you. He disciplines his children because He wants them to do well in this life and at the judgment. He wants them to experience righteousness and peace.
Look at this passage in Hebrews:
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live. Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:7-11
Do you see the assumption in the text? Verse 9 says, “We have all had fathers who disciplined us….” I don’t like what I’m about to say but this is what the Bible teaches. Are you ready? Correction belongs ultimately to the father rather than the mother.
Let me say that again…
Now this is tough. When you get home from work, men, you can see that your wife is frustrated and discouraged. The children have pushed her buttons. She says to you, “You need to deal with your son.” The temptation is to walk into that room with your son and say something like this, “Son, your mama is having a bad day. You just need to stay in your room and give her a little space. Everything will be fine.” That’s the fleshly way to respond, and it cuts the knees out from under your wife. She is now the moody tyrant who can’t hold it together and you are nice, happy man that calms everyone down. That’s not right. That is putting all the discipline on her.
My wife needs me to wear the black hat sometimes. That is not pleasant. Look at v.11. It says that no discipline is pleasant. It’s not pleasant for anyone, the one giving it or the one taking it, but it is necessary to produce righteousness and peace in your son.
Let me give you…
Two challenges to effective discipline:
•Lack of communication between husband and wife.
Effective discipline requires constant communication. You and your wife have to be on the same page. Not just the same page, but the same paragraph. Not just the same paragraph, but the same line on the paragraph. You have to talk about your strategy because there can only be one strategy. If I decide as a father that the kids are not getting a snack tonight because they refused to eat their green beans, and my wife comes around me and serves juice and cookies—what just happened? Our lack of communication undermined the process of discipline. Communication is essential to effective discipline.
And here is another complication in discipline.
•Different styles from childhood.
You grew up in a different home than your wife. You and your wife were disciplined differently. You got away with things that she didn’t get away with and vice versa. Marriage is about coming together. It’s about blending, compromising, and being a new team. So there are going to be times when you and your wife have to shut the door and talk about a plan because you are seeing it differently—and when you come out that door, you are one. Those kids can’t divide you; they cannot drive a nail between you.
I have been shocked in marriage counseling how many couples have been driven to the point of divorce because they have let their children divide them. One spouse becomes the good cop, the other the bad cop, and that just doesn’t work. So fathers, we must initiate the conversation about discipline and work together with our wives in devising a strategy that fits for our families. We must support our wives. She is involved in discipline but we must be willing to lead.
In his book, Bringing Up Boys, James Dobson has a chapter on discipline. In that chapter, this is what he writes:
We received a letter at Focus on the Family this week from a mother who has observed the same trends that concern me. She wrote, “What has become of the backbone of parents today? My husband and I have been amazed again and again by the fearfulness of parents to take a stand—even with their small children. They don’t seem to grasp the idea that God has put them in charge for a very good reason, and it is He who will hold them accountable. If parents were to instill the concept of proper, God-honoring authority in their children from the start, it would be far easier to enforce when the preteen years arrive.”
-- James Dobson, Bringing Up Boys
Now my children are not to the preteen years, but that makes a lot of sense to me. I agree with this woman who writes to James Dobson. Our job as parents is to teach our children how to obey authority. That means we have to rain on parades. We make our children cry. We disappoint them, but we do so because we know that we are accountable to God and not to them. May the Lord help us brothers, to be good daddies who discipline out of love—not out of anger. Every family needs a daddy like that.
Last year, when a dear saint of this church, Mr. Jerry Smith passed away, his son Ken preached his dad’s funeral right here in this pulpit. It was one of the best funeral messages I have ever heard. Ken described his Dad in such a way that I will never forget. He said that his Dad was like “Velvet Steel.” What powerful imagery of the man in the home. Mr. Jerry was soft as velvet—so soft that he would not turn a poor man away who needed a little money, or a meal, or a word of encouragement. He was like velvet, but he was also like steel. His family knew where he stood and when discipline was required, it was delivered.
I hope and pray that one day my children will describe me as velvet steel. Right now, I tend to err on the side of velvet, and I could use a little more steel. I have to lead in discipline, and I have to do so in love, and I have to be firm. Lord, help us, to be velvet steel in our homes.
7. A Dad who has a servant’s heart. (Matt. 20:26-28)
Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
Matthew 20:26-28
If you want to be great in God’s eyes, it means serving. It means giving up privileges and perks. It means giving away credit and taking on blame. It means stooping down rather than standing up.
My Dad was always a servant in my house. He wore the off-brand shoes and would never buy himself a thing. My mother had to force him to spend money on any small luxury. I will never forget the crash of the economy in early 80’s. My dad was laid off from the steel mill and he was forced to find work fast. He had 4 mouths to feed. One day, we were in the car with my mother when she pulled into a gas station and there was my dad in the cold, snowy weather standing by the gas pump. These were the days of the full-service station. He was pumping gas and cleaning windshields and taking 25 cent tips. I will never forget: when we pulled up, a smile came across his face from ear to ear. He was excited to see his family and he was not ashamed to be seen in his minimum wage servitude.
Dads, we are called to love our wives as Christ loved. And in John 13, the Bible says this:
Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love… (John 13:1)
Do you know what he did next to prove his love? He wrapped a towel around himself and washed the scum off their feet. He served them. Peter said, “You’re not going to serve me.” Jesus said, “Oh, yes I am.” Jesus was determined to love through servitude. Young boys and young girls need to see their daddy working hard at his job, yes, but also working hard at home. He picks up his clothes. He helps fold laundry. He unloads dishwashers. He washes his kids in the tub. He stoops over and does these things. Why? Because this is how he shows the full extent of his love for his wife and kids.
Are you a servant? Your family needs you to be.
Is the prevailing image in your child’s mind a dad with his feet up in the recliner, or a Dad who stoops to wash the feet of his wife and his family?
8. A Dad who is willing to say, “I am sorry. Will you forgive me?” (James 5:16)
Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much. James 5:16
Without question, every father is going to need to confess some things. He will make some serious mistakes. He is going to blow it. He is going to forget an important date, or skip an significant event, or bring his work-related stress home to the family. He is going to say something that hurts his child’s feelings. He is going to be harsh when he should be gentle. He is going to speak a word of rebuke when wisdom calls for encouragement. He is going to say “yes” in times when he should have said “no” to and he’s going to say “no” in times when he should have said “yes.” He’s going to be rude to wife in a moment of weakness and he’s going to speak critically of a family member when he should have been silent. This is life. And relationships are filled with failure.
But here is the secret potion for healing all wounds. It is expensive and comes with a high price tag of humility. The secret is found in these 7 words: “I am sorry. Will you forgive me?” The flesh hates those words like Superman hates kryptonite, but when those words of grace are applied, it is amazing how things change. When a daddy says to his boy, “Son, I am so sorry. I should have been there to see that home run. Will you forgive me?” When he does that, he is modeling to his child the proper way to respond when you’re caught in sin. He is teaching his boy repentance. And that spirit of repentance is what every child needs in order to enter the kingdom of God. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. As Christians, we have to show our children our tender side and they need to see us broken in spirit from time to time.
Say you’re sorry, and have a time of prayer. Wow, what an impact that will have. You say, “Son, I am sorry. Can I just pray right now that the Lord would help me to be a better daddy? I need his help.” You confess and you pray and there is healing.
Years ago, a survey was done by a family-life specialist, and the results were printed in Christianity Today magazine.
The three things said most often by fathers in responding to their kids.
1. “I’m too tired.”
2. “We don’t have enough money.”
3. “Keep quiet.”
- Christianity Today
Those are the top three answers on the board. Sometimes you are going to be out of energy and you have to say it. Sometimes you are out of money and you’ve got to declare it.” Sometimes you need quiet and you have to tell your child to zip it. But how sad that is that those are top three answers on the board. Number one should be: I love you. Number two should be: “I am sorry.” Those are words that your kids need to hear from your mouth. Teach them how to show love and teach them how to show repentance and you will be leading them to the gates of the kingdom of God.
9. A Dad who listens attentively and controls his temper. (James 1:19-20)
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. James 1:19-20
Can there be a more convicting passage of Scripture than that? That one right there stabs me in the heart. My children need more than my presence. They need my ears and my eyes. We listen with our eyes. How many times are you watching SportsCenter or some ball game, and your eyes are focused on that box. Meanwhile, your child is pulling on our leg saying, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy…I want to tell you something….Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.” And you are pulling one of these numbers, “Uh-huh, uh-huh….” And you finally look at her and she says, “Daddy, I put the doggy in the oven.” And you say, “That’s nice, pumpkin. That’s nice.” And you go right back to your world.
My wife and I just had a talk about that the other night. It’s something I struggle with. She was in the other room trying to tell me something. She realized I wasn’t listening. She said, “What did I just say?” And this is what I said, “Lynley, Brett Favre is on the Jets!” I don’t know what I was expecting her to say. I guess I was hoping for, “Wow, that’s way more important than what I was trying to tell you.” Needless to say, that didn’t happen. And I owed her an apology.
My wife and my children need more than my presence, they need my eyes and my ears. They need me to turn the work switch off and to be fun-loving and playful. They need me to bring a calming joy into the home, not quick-tempered tension. Be quick to listen…
Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. James 1:19 (The Message)
What a radical concept: lead with your ears. Do your wife and children feel like they have your ears? Do you lead by listening or are you always dominating the conversation?
Now, look at the second part of that verse dealing with anger. Dads should be slow to become angry. I am insecure around people that easily get their feathers ruffled. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells. When a father has a short fuse, it will make the children nervous, anxious, and insecure. They won’t want to climb up in his lap. Instead, they’ll want to go play outside. Because, after all, nobody wants to associate with rage.
In the Old Testament, pagan people worshipped a host of gods and these gods were believed to be very testy. They were short-tempered and had little patience for people. So what did the people do? They tried their very best to appease the gods—just keep them happy so that they would stay away. Nobody wanted a relationship with those gods. They wanted to keep them at bay to protect themselves.
But then Jesus comes along and tells stories about a Heavenly Father that is loving and tender and gracious. This Father is compassionate and slow to anger. He is merciful and loves to give people a second chance. This Father wants his children to ask for things and He delights in giving them good gifts. This Father wants us to address him as “Abba” which is a personal title, “Daddy.” This Father in heaven is approachable and soft toward his children; not moody and abrasive. And when Jesus changed the way people viewed God, guess what happened? People desired to know him and be near to him.
If your children have to worry constantly, Dad, that you are going to blow your top, do you know what will happen? They will become like the Old Testament people and they will do everything they can to stay away from you. They are afraid of getting hurt.
But when you reflect grace, and you are tender, and you listen to them…guess what happens? They will want to climb up in your lap. They will want to be near. And they need that.
Are you quick-tempered? Get a handle on it.
10. A Dad who keeps his word. (Numbers 30:2)
"This is what GOD commands: When a man makes a vow to GOD or binds himself by an oath to do something, he must not break his word; he must do exactly what he has said.”
Are you a man of your word? Are you a promise keeper?
The entire Christian faith is built on one central idea. Here it is: The Heavenly Father always keeps his word.
I am a green, rookie pastor with very little experience, but in my short stint, I have already stood with parents who have lost a child, with husbands who have lost a loving wife, with wives who have lost their leading man, with brothers who have lost their sisters, with sisters who no longer hear the sound of their brother’s voice. I have sat with people after they have heard the word cancer and terminal spoken in the same breath by a doctor. I have experienced those things and I always feel incredibly helpless, but there is this one thing I have in my back pocket. It is not a pill, or a potion, or a crystal ball. It is a Word from a Father. And my faith is built on one central truth: the Heavenly Father always keeps his word.
Jesus said, Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. John 14:1-2
Jesus said, “If it were not so, I would have told you.” He goes on to say, “And I am going to prepare a place and I am coming back for you.” In other words, you can trust in your Father’s Word. And it is this trust in the Father’s Word that inspires us to keep moving forward with hope.
And when an earthly Father makes promises and then breaks promises, he is giving his children a jaded view of God. As a Daddy, you are to be a picture of the Heavenly Father to your kids. Your Heavenly Father is a promise keeping Father, and so shall you be.
If you made a promise to love your wife in sickness and in health, then you care for her when she’s on the hospital bed and can offer you no intimacy. If you promised to love her till death do you part, then you make every possible effort to save your marriage and be a promise keeper. Don’t look for reasons to leave; look for reasons to stay.
If you are here and you are divorced and remarried, then share your sorrow with your children about your first marriage and tell them that you have changed. Tell them, Dad, that you are now a promise keeper and going forward, you will be a man of your word. Because, when kids can trust in their father’s word, guess what happens? They are more likely to trust in the Word of the Heavenly Father, who can save their souls. Be a promise keeper and show your kids a portrait of God.
Is it possible to be a good dad? Yes, it is. It takes a lot of humility, a teachable heart, and the Holy Spirit. What is the Spirit saying to you, men? How have you been challenged? Let God have his way in you today. He will lead you to be not just a good dad, but a godly dad.
