TEXT: Ephesians 4:25-27; 29-32
TITLE: How to win a family fight!
SERIES: Home Health Care
TOPIC: Family arguments
OCCASION: Burnside Christian Church, July 27, 2008
PROP.: Winning a family fight means that you fight according to the rules!
INTRODUCTION: Today, we close out our series called Home health care. I hope you’ve found this series helpful and challenging.
The title of today’s sermon is: How to win a family fight.
Maybe you sitting here thinking: I all ready win every family fight! Or maybe you’re just the opposite…and you’re sitting here thinking: Boy, I’m glad I’ve got plenty of room to write today! I plan on writing EVERY word down so maybe, just maybe, I’ll win a fight.
Occasionally, you will hear couples say that they never fight. In most cases what they mean is that they don’t remember their fights or that one of them exercises so much control in the relationship, that the other person is not allowed to disagree! In some cases, as with older couples, they have matured to the point where they understand how brief life is and so they no longer choose to have what most people would consider a fight.
Today, I want to help you set some parameters and make some good choices about the shape your family conflicts take. The parameters and choices will mean that family disagreements and even fights can ultimately be healthy and good for the marriage and the home.
I should note this too: even though we are placing today’s message in the context of family, you can apply today’s sermon to any disagreement you may find yourself apart of!
T.S.: Let’s look at how to ALWAYS win a family fight!
And it doesn’t matter if the fight is between you and your spouse or between a parent and child or even between brothers and sisters…these keys are vital to winning a family fight!
I. Understand what “winning” Means
It’s been said that when there is a family fight, no one wins. Not true. In fact, when there is a family fight it is possible for everyone to win! Fights do no have to be occasions where no one wins. If conflict is inevitable, then God must have meant for us to use it as a means of growth and maturity.
I think the reason that some believe no one wins a family fight is because we have typically defined what winning means to be something that is ultimately destructive! “Winning” for some means that “she leaves the room in tears or that “he spends the next three nights on the couch”. Winning is getting even or even better - getting ahead! Winning is hurting them with your words more than they hurt you. These are NOT the same as winning a family fight. Our competitive instincts lead us to believe that to win we must dominate and destroy the competition. As a result we end up destroying a family member, perhaps a spouse and no one is happy!
Instead, winning means you…
A. Build a Relationship
--what’s more important? Winning an argument or building a relationship?
--To what extreme and sacrifice will you go to make sure the other person KNOWS you are right?
--Do you want a happy marriage, family and home or are you more interested in being right! As someone who is NEVER wrong, can I offer you some advice: There are going to be times when you are right…and it’s obvious you are right. But is it worth destroying a friendship or tearing your family apart so that everyone will know YOU are right! Or that YOU’VE been wronged?
Lay your PRIDE aside, and value the relationship more than you value being right! Friendships and families have been torn up over PRIDE! Neither person involved in the disagreement will budge or move! Their ego won’t allow them! And so they have allowed the issue at hand to be more important than the friendship!
Concentrate on building the relationship!!!!
Also winning means you…
B. Choose to fight less
--As you look over your past fights and disagreements, let me ask you a question: was it worth it? Was it worth fighting about? Was it worth fighting for?
There are some things that are NOT worth fighting for! Choosing to fight less means that you choose your fights wisely!
--Before you make a stand concerning the conflict, ask yourself: “Is this a hill I am ready to die on?” Is this an issue that is so important that I’m ready to go to war?
Listen to me now: you can CHOOSE to not fight about it!
--some scripture to help you choose to fight less:
Romans 12:18 “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
If your spouse comes home in a bad mood or you sense that she’s having a bad day…you can still choose to live in peace!
There are things that will happen to you in this life that are things that you wouldn’t have chosen to have happen to you…maybe that someone else even caused! And what will determine the actions that follow is how YOU respond! Will you choose peace? Or will you choose war?
1st Peter 4:8 “Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.”
I love this verse! Peter in his wisdom uses the word ‘fervent’! Relationships where love is involved requires you to WORK at that love!!!! And if you choose to work at loving one another (it’s your choice), then the dividends…the pay off…is remarkable!
Did you catch the payoff? Love will cover over the flaws! People aren’t perfect, but if you allow your love for them to grow bigger than the problem at hand; then you will be amazed at the result!
Winning also means:
C. Choose not to Escalate the Conflict!
1. This is especially true when ti comes to anger and harsh words! Proverbs tells
us this truth: (Proverbs 15:1) “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh
word stirs up anger.”
2. How many of you have experienced the truth of this verse? A harsh word. We
all know that words can hurt. But you know it goes deeper. It’s also the tone
with which it’s said!
3. You know, it takes two to have a fight! If you aren’t going to fight, then the
fight will stop!
4. So instead of a better come-back, come back with a gentle answer!
5. In Ephesians 4:26, it reminds us it’s not wrong to be angry…it’s just wrong to
sin while you are angry!
II. OBEY THE RULES!
For those times when conflict IS unavoidable and necessary (and there are such
times), consider the following rules!
A. Fight Right!
There are plenty of ways to fight wrong, and they all come to us rather naturally. Just do and say whatever you feel like, and you should find yourself automatically doing the wrong thing.
But if you will but follow these guidelines, you’re fights will turn into a fight that is right!
1. Fight with the right person!
Many times because of a bad day, we come home and take out our frustrations on our family members!
Be encouraging and listen when someone in your family has had a bad day!
Your family members are on YOUR side! They are in the foxhole of life with
you! See your family members as being on your side and act that way!
Also:
2. Fight at the right time!
Use some common sense about when to have a confrontation.
1. Never in public
2. Not when you can be interrupted
3. Not in front of your kids
4. Not while you are laying in bed about to drift off to sleep
Timing is everything!!!
3. Fight about the right thing!
--Clearly define the real issue in your own mind and stick to it!
--If money is the problem, keep to the issue, don’t go off onto all the other things
that annoy you.
--Deal with one issue at a time!
B. Listen More, Talk less
--Don’t just hear, listen! While the other person is talking, don’t be thinking about what you’re going to say next. And don’t roll your eyes instead intently listen!
--James 1:19,20 “This you know my beloved brothers. But everyone must be
quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not
achieve the righteousness of God!”
--Often hostility comes from the feeling that the other person is making no effort
to see things from the other side!
C. Attack the Problem, NOT the person!
1. This again means to address the problem at hand. Avoid using words such as:
always, and never.
2. Words such as those are exaggerations that escalate the conflict and intend to
humiliate.
3. Come up with a workable solution to the problem! Stick to the problem!
4. Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,
but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it
may benefit those who listen.”
D. Deal with it today!
1. Ephesians 4:26 “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.”
2. Mole hills have a way of turning into mountains if not addressed!
This is true in the medical profession!
Illustration: Small cavities grow into big problems when they are not given immediate attention!
3. This is also true in the family!
4. You know that your sleep is even affected if there is something bothering you
that you have not dealt with!
So let’s talk about what happens when the fight is over…
III. Following the fight
What happens after a fight could well determine the extent to which you win or lose the fight. Two things need to take place: Forgiveness & Prayer.
Let’s talk about forgiveness shall we?
A. Forgiveness - either you need to be forgiven, or you need to forgive!
1. There are some here today have remarkable memories! I must say, I’m
impressed! You can remember vivid details of how someone has done
something wrong against you! You’ve held a grudge for 10, 20, 30 years!
The person could be dead and gone, and you’re still bitter, and angry!
2. This is why forgiveness is so important! Forgiveness is just as much for you as
it is for the other person! When you hold a grudge, it robs you of joy!
3. Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other
as God in Christ also has forgiven you!”
4. You can’t say, “But they don’t deserve forgiveness!” because from God’s
perspective, neither do you!
5. If you are holding a grudge against a family member, neighbor, co-worker or
friend…you NEEEEED to forgive. It’s not just a good idea. You NEED to!
6. Parents, there are a lot of good things you can teach your kids! Don’t let
“holding a grudge” be something that you teach your kids!
ILLUSTRATION: While Leonardo da Vinci was painting the “The Last Supper”, he became incensed with a certain man. His temper flared, and he lashed out with bitter words. Returning to his work, he attempted to brush some delicate lines on the face of Jesus. But he was so distraught that he could not regain his composure. Unable to continue, he finally left his tools and his work and went to look for the man and ask his forgiveness. Only after his apology was accepted, and he felt right with God could he go back and complete the face of Christ. You can’t be right with God and be wrong with your spouse!
B. Prayer
After a fight or a disagreement…make prayer a part of your plan!
--Nothing forces you to come together again after there has been a disagreement
like prayer can!
--It’s impossible to be angry with someone you are praying for!
--Invite the prince of peace to be a part of making peace reign once again in your
marriage, in your family, in your work place!
CONCLUSION: A family was on vacation. They rented a beach house. One afternoon, as the father was looking out his kitchen window onto the beach he watched as his daughter and son were yelling at each other quite intensely. Intending to do something about it, the dad went to sliding glass door and yelled at both of his kids to stop fighting. His little girl said, “it’s ok dad, we’re just playing house!”
Conflicts will no doubt come, but it’s how we handle those conflicts that could determine how our kids handle conflicts!
