Note: This is the sermon manuscript that Ben carried into the pulpit. Feel free to use it in any way to advance the kingdom of God.
The Incredible Family
Colossians 3:18-21
Englewood Baptist Church
Sunday Morning, June 15, 2008 (Father’s Day)
We live on planet earth and across this spinning globe, there are many powerful institutions. There is the institution of human government, which makes this country a more civilized, peaceful nation. Beyond government, there is the institution of higher learning. Some of the best and brightest young people fill our universities stretching their minds in order to make this world a better place. The government, the university—these are essential institutions. But there is one institution that is far more powerful than government, far more influential than the university. That institution is the family. There is no organization known to man that can exert greater influence in society like that of the family.
The family is the single most important institution in the world. Mother Theresa once said,
"What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family." ~Mother Theresa
George W. Bush hasn’t been the most popular president in history, but I praise the Lord that he has sought to protect the sanctity of marriage and family. I agreed with him when he said not long ago:
The union of a man and woman is the most enduring human institution--honored and encouraged in all cultures and by every religious faith. Ages of experience have taught humanity that the commitment of a husband and wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society. –George W. Bush
Now the president was speaking specifically of marriage, but we all know that marriage is the fabric of family and family the fabric of society. I don’t think this country understands what the stability that lost as family upon family self-destruct.
As James Dobson says, we must focus on the family. It is a sacred institution of God. And in His sovereign purposes, God has set the pattern for the home. The formula is simple: He has called one man and one woman to make a lifelong promise. And to the man, God has ascribed a special leadership assignment. For the sake of order and peace, God has called the man to be the resident pastor and spiritual leader in the family.
Today, on this Father’s Day, I want us to look the Biblical instructions for the family and I will draw special attention to the role of the Daddy. Let’s talk about daddies for a second. Over the centuries, intelligent people have had much to say about their fathers…
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. –Mark Twain
I think we can all identify with Twain. Teenagers seem to know more than their fathers, but my, oh my, how things change over time. Along that same line, look at what musician Charles Wadsworth once said:
"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong." ~ Charles Wadsworth, musician
It’s ironic, isn’t it? This role of fatherhood. What a humbling assignment this is, gentleman, to be called a father. It is not a position for lightweights, or cowards, or sluggards. Without question, it is much easier to have an incredible career at the office than it is to have an incredible family in the home. Nothing could be more humbling than the overwhelming task of shepherding a child’s heart. But thanks be to God, that He has given us some basic instructions for how to do it well. I am praying fervently that as a young dad, I will be able to apply these principles in my own home. I hope that you will too.
Let me read to you some very brief words from the book of Colossians…
Read Colossians 3:18-21
The Scriptures have just laid out the basic job description for every member of the family. Everyone is important in the home and everyone must function according to God’s design. Let’s look at the first instruction.
In the Incredible Family
1. Wives will yield to their husbands.
V.18 says, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting to the Lord.” Now, in spite of Paul’s straightforward clarity, that statement has been challenged by many today, even by some inside the church. Some misguided people suggest that this mandate is culturally driven and should not be taken seriously in our modern, advanced age. They are wrong. Every incredible family in the eyes of God has a cheerleading wife. She believes in her husband. She respects him, and she promotes him in the presence of the children and others.
There are two things that submission is not.
• Submission is not slavery. A woman is not called to wait on her husband hand and foot like he is some kind of king or tyrant. She should not receive her marching orders each day. She is not some domestic servant that should jump when he says jump and hop when he says hop. That is not submission. That is slavery and bondage and any man that treats his wife like that is a sinful fool.
• Submission is not subjugation. That is, when a woman submits to her husband, it is not because she is admitting that she is inferior, or second-class in God’s economy. It’s not that he is God’s gift to the world and that she can find no flaws in him. That’s not submission. She would have to be blind to see him as perfect. That’s not reality.
So what does this word, “submission” mean? The word comes from the military vocabulary and simply means “to arrange under rank.” God has assigned positions in the home. The fact that one soldier is a private and another is a colonel does not mean that one man is necessarily better than the other. It only means that they have different ranks or functions in the organization.
God does all things “decently and in order” (1 Cor. 14:40). If He did not have a chain of command in the home, we would have chaos. The man is the head of the home. Adrian Rogers said it best, “Anything with no head is dead, and anything with two heads is a freak.” God designed the home with one head. The fact that the woman is to submit to her husband does not suggest that the man is better than the woman. It only means that the man has the greater responsibility for preparing his family for judgment.
Submission is a wonderful thing. If you think about the relationship between the Godhead—between the Father, Son, and the Spirit—what do you see there? You see submission. Jesus taught us to pray to the Father, and Jesus prayed “Thy will be done.” What was he doing there? He was demonstrating godly subordination. Though He was equal with God, he voluntarily accepted his role on earth.
Likewise, if you go searching for an incredible marriage today, I can almost guarantee you that when you find one, you will discover a woman that willfully and cheerfully promotes her husband’s welfare. She wins when he wins and she does not try to manipulate or usurp his authority.
Now I hope you young, unmarried women are listening to me today. When you get married, God is going to call you to follow the leader, and you should be very selective about who you choose as a life partner. Do not be picky about the food that you eat. Do not be picky about the brand of clothes that you wear. Do not be picky about the kind of car that you drive. Those things are trivial and passing, but you must be extremely selective when it comes to the man that you marry. Do not settle for a man that you do not respect. What that means, is that when you are dating him, after every date, you must say to yourself—with this new information from being with him tonight, “Could I cheerfully follow him every day of my life? Is he going to promote my physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being? Would I be thrilled to come under his protection?” If the answers to those questions are not Y-E-S, then slow down the dating train and make sure you don’t need to hop off, because once you are in a marriage, God does not give you permission to just call it quits because you are incompatible.
In his book, Reforming Marriage, Douglas Wilson puts it this way:
Women are not created to respond and submit to just anybody. A godly woman is therefore going to limit her range of options. If she understands the Bible, she knows that she was created to be dependant and responsive to a man. Now the more God has done for her, and given to her, the more selective she must be. The more a woman excels, the more selective she must be. Some intelligent women have been tempted to play the dunce in order to get a man. This is not right; God has created her to help a particular man, and her abilities are something he needs—whether or not any other man needs them. A godly woman should not lower her standards; marrying a man who does not have the intellectual or spiritual strength to be the leader of the home is just asking for trouble. Abigail did not go well with Nabal.
I could not have said that any better. Most young women today suffer from a low self-esteem and so the average girl is choosing any man that will show her attention. But what that girl fails to understand is the high call of being a help-mate. When God says, “Wives, submit to your husbands,” this is not a request, this is a command. And on the day you say “I do,” God is going to command you to submit to his leadership.
The most important day of my life happened when I was 7 years old. It was the day that I chose to give my heart to Jesus. I have never regretted that decision. The second most important day in my life was the day I gave my heart to Lynley. I have never regretted that decision, and I never dreamed that marriage could be so sweet. I have made some bad decisions in my life, but I married a woman that respects me and a woman that I love. Outside of your decision to surrender to Christ, the decision of a spouse is the most important one you will ever make. And so I beseech you, my young brothers and sisters, be prayerful, be wise, and seek good counsel before entering into a marriage that you are unsure about. God wants you to have an incredible family and that means that you must respect and honor His appointed leader. Choose well.
Now let me speak to a different audience. Let me speak just a moment to the married women in the room. Some of you are struggling to respect your husbands. I am sure of it, because I am a man, and I am not always worthy of respect. But the verse doesn’t say, “Submit to your husband when he makes the decisions you would make.” No, it says, “Submit to your husbands.” How do you do that practically? Let me give you three ways to show respect to your husband.
How To Show Respect to Your Husband
• Be enthusiastically supportive of his work.
As men, God has wired us for work. If two men are hovering around a punch bowl at a wedding and there is an awkward silence, what do you think the first question is? “So, what do you do?” And they talk about their work. They get juiced about it. Men love to work. That’s why we are prone to workaholism and we have to be real careful about that. But if you want to respect your husband, become interested in his work. If he comes to you and says, “Honey, we have an office party on Friday night and all the spouses are invited.” Don’t make him feel like he is dragging you to a public flogging. Don’t say, “Oh, here we go again. All the wives have to sit around and listen to engineering mumbo jumbo…Maybe there will be a thunderstorm and the whole thing will be cancelled.” Do you know what you’re saying when act that—even if you are being sarcastic? What you are communicating to your husband is this: What you do for a living is boring and unimportant. You don’t want to do that, ladies. This is what will happen. A woman will come along that appreciates his work, and praises him for it. She shows him respect, and his biggest need begins to be met by some other woman. That is how affairs happen. He wants you to be his partner in his work.
• Find his good qualities and praise him publicly.
Any wife can point out her husband’s faults, but it has been said, “It takes no size to criticize.” When you look at your husband, there has to be some things that he is good at. Every chance you get, tell him and tell others. When you say to your friends, “Let me tell you what this man did for me last week. He took my car and cleaned it from top to bottom. I’ve got the shiniest vehicle in town.” That’s a small thing, but you have just motivated him to want to serve you more. Your encouraging words are like wind in his sails, especially when you build him up in the presence of others.
• Disagree with him privately and honor his authority in front of the children.
In my house, we have snack time every day. And on my day off, I never know what to give our kids for their snack. Sometimes I just pick something. But if were to hand my kids a package of Scooby-Doo Gummy Snacks, and my wife instantly barked at me, “Ben, are you crazy? You ought to know better. They need to eat a banana!” What just happened? My kids just learned a lesson—Dad doesn’t know what he’s doing. And maybe I don’t, but if Lynley would pull me aside, and say, “Hey, I normally try to give them fruit in the morning, and gummies in the afternoon.” Now, I have the chance to make it right next time and my authority in the home is not put in question. Ladies, share your thoughts, share your opinions, share your disagreements, but do so in a respect way and do your best to promote his leadership.
Now, let’s move on to the men. Look now at v. 19…
In an incredible family…
2. Husbands serve their wives in tenderness.
The word “love” there means sacrifice. It is the highest form of love. And this verb is in the present tense which means continuing action. We are to serve our wives on the day we are married, and we are to keep serving them until the day we die. In Ephesians 5:25, Paul makes this real clear. Look what he says,
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… Eph. 5:25
Men, God is not calling you to do something that you have not seen done before. If you ever want to know what God expects of you as a husband, just look at that cross. God has called you to lay down everything for your wife and make every sacrifice to present her holy unto God.
How do we do this practically?
How Husbands Can Show Love to Wives
• Go out of your way for her.
If you look at what Jesus did for his bride, the church, he went out of his way for her sake. You must do the same. What I mean is—make her feel like she is the most important person in your world. Don’ t worry about what your co-workers think. They’re going to make fun of you for passing up hunting to go shopping. That’s OK. Inside, they are envious of your relationship. You shouldn’t worry about what men think. You should be more worried about what God thinks and he has called you to put your wife first. Just behind your love for Christ, is your love for your wife. It means rearranging your schedule when she wants to do lunch. It means holding her hand even though it feels sweaty. It means sending her an email from your own house just to tell her how much you appreciate her care of the children. It means putting a vacation on the calendar. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but in my house, Lynley and I try always to have a week hovering out there when we can expect uninterrupted, no-cell phone time. Do you have time for that vacation? Probably not. Work never stops, but go out of your way for her.
• Express appreciation for all that she does.
The role of homemaker is an enormous one. The Bible gives wives the duty to be industrious in the home. Paul instructs Titus to have,
“…the older women [be] teachers of good things—that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed” Titus 2:3-5
Now does that sound old-fashioned? Yeah, but it is still true. The instructions here call for the younger moms to be homemakers, heavily involved in domestic pursuits. That is tough, physically demanding work. And after she has been washing dishes, scrubbing toilets, making grocery lists, carrying feverish toddlers to the doctor, folding laundry, and running to the post office to mail a birthday gift to your brother—after she has done all that, guys—you walk in the door and say, “Hamburger helper? Seriously? That’s what we’re eating.” And “Ka-Chooo!” World War III breaks out. Why? Not because she is defensive about Hamburger Helper. She knows that stuff is not fine cuisine. She is hurt because you have no idea all that she has done to make that home a clean and orderly place for you to come home to. The least we can is show appreciation for our wives. Give her unexpected gifts at unexpected times. Offer to take care of the kids so that she can get her nails done or do lunch with a friend. When you say grace for the meal, remember her in your prayers and thank God for her work in preparing that meal. Say thank you verbally and in writing. You will get more mileage from a sincere, handwritten note than you will from 10 verbal thank yous. Love your wife by expressing appreciation.
• Be sensitive toward her.
The Bible says that the eyes are the window to the soul. Gentleman, I hope that you study your wife’s eyes like a textbook. Know her body language and when you can see that the light is dim in her eyes, and a good night’s sleep doesn’t take care of it, then it’s time for a conversation. Watch her countenance. If she is stirring food over the stove looking like her puppy just died, that is not the time to check the score of the Lakers-Celtics game. Pay attention to her. The Bible says,
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Eph. 5:28
When your stomach begins to growl, you know it’s time to get some barbecue or some tacos. You give your body what it needs to survive and you are sensitive to it. Likewise, when you notice hunger in your wife’s eyes, and it’s more than just a bad day, you know it’s time to diagnose the problem. Love your wife as you love your own body. Be sensitive to her. Ask her how she’s doing, and when says, “Fine.” Ask her again and tell her you really want to know what’s going on in her heart.
Now, I have spent much time on the role of husband and wife because I think that relationship will make or break a home, but notice that Paul’s instructions do not stop there. For those who are blessed with children, Paul gives these instructions. V. 3:20…
In the incredible family…
3.Children obey their parents.
I believe that the problems we are seeing across America in our school systems have little to do with the unskilled teachers or reckless principals. The problem is not with the schools, it lies in the family. Children are not being taught to honor their father and mother.
Robert Orben said,
"Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards." -- Robert Orben
We are reaping what we have sown right now in this nation. Crime is up astronomically and our jails are jam-packed with boys who never learned how to respect authority, and this is mostly the fault of parents.
But it’s not all their fault. Anyone with children knows that you can speak to your child until you are blue in the face about the dangers of alcohol or premarital sex, but at 11 PM on Friday night must make the right choice. He must decide if he will obey his parents or rebel. And I want you to notice v.20, the reason he obeys his parents, is not just to please them and make them proud, but ultimately, when a daughter listens to her daddy, she pleases the Lord. And God will reward that daughter. God will reward that son, who willingly submits to His chain of command.
The fifth commandment is the first one with a promise:
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you” (Ex. 20:12). Now there is one more ingredient to the incredible family…
4.Parents look for ways to encourage to their kids.
Look at v. 21…
That word “Fathers” is actually best translated as “parents.” Parents, do not provoke your children. Do not irritate them. A very appropriate translation today would be this, “Parents, stop nagging your kids.”
You have heard what the Proverbs say about the nagging wife?
Proverbs 21:9 says,
v.9 It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
And the same is true with parents. It is better to live on the roof of your house than in a home with a nitpicking mother or an “impossible to please” father. Parents, if you are persistently pointing out faults in your children, they will begin to feel like a failure. And their spirit will shrivel like a dried tomato. And what is lost is courage to face life’s challenges.
I listened to a Focus on the Family broadcast this week. The title of the broadcast was “Shaping a Daughter’s Life” and Dr. Dobson was making the case that Daddies have an unmatched ability to impact their little girls. The words that flow from a father’s mouth day after day have shaping power.
In this broadcast, his guest told the story of Hillary Rodham Clinton. As a young girl, she brought home straight A’s on her report card one day. Her father looked at her report card and said, “This must be an easy school.” Decades have past but the pain of those words is still fresh. It’s no wonder why Hillary made this comment not long ago…
“Children without fathers or whose parents float in and out of their lives after divorce are precarious little boats in the most turbulent seas.” --Hillary Rodham Clinton
It sounds to me like Senator Clinton is speaking about her own experience. She had a discouraging father. And Dads, I make the commitment today, I hope you will join me, to pay my children every compliment I can so that they will grow up with great courage of Joshua and the faith of Rahab—so that they will grow up knowing that there is Heavenly Father who loves them far more than their earthly father. Let us search for ways to encourage our children.
Happy Father’s Day.
