Much of life is lived out in the Blender.
We find ourselves whirling through the days at differing speeds depending upon what it will take to conform us into the likeness of Christ. As the old saying goes, the apple does not fall far from the tree, God has entrusted us as parents to assure that we raise up our children in the way they should go so that when they are grown they will not depart from it. God shapes the parent; the parent shapes the child.
78% of U.S. adults have been married at least once and 33% of those have been divorced at least once says a new Barna Group study. 84% of born-again Christian adults have tied the knot, versus 74% of people aligned with non-Christian faiths and 65% of atheists and agnostics. Those with the most prolific divorce rate are downscale adults (39%), Baby Boomers (38%), those aligned with a non-Christian faith (38%), African-Americans (36%), and people who define themselves to be socially and politically liberal (37%). Those with lowest likelihood of divorce are Catholics (28%), evangelicals (26%), upscale adults (22%), Asians (20%) and those who deem themselves socially and politically conservative (28%).
Barna Update 3/31/08
One million children a year see their parents divorce.
[i] Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee, states in The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000), 26.One of the many myths of our culture is that divorce automatically rescues children from an unhappy marriage . . . . However, when one looks at the thousands of children that my colleagues and I have interviewed at our center since 1980, most of whom were from moderately unhappy marriages that ended in divorce, one message is clear: the children do not say they are happier. Rather, they say flatly,
“The day my parents divorced is the day my childhood ended.”
During one day over 3,000 children in America see their parents divorce.
70% of all children will spend some time of their childhood in a single parent family. 35% of American children live apart from their biological fathers. Boys who grow up in homes without fathers are two to three times more likely to commit crimes.
$150 billion dollars is spent each year by state and federal governments to subsidize and sustain single parent homes while only 150 million dollars is spent on keeping marriages and families together.
The website, www.successfulstepfamilies.com, states that “approximately 1300 new stepfamilies are formed every day in the US, and it’s predicted that by 2010 there will be more stepfamilies in the US than any other type of family.”
There are mixed up families throughout the Bible. Men who married more than one wife and for the most part the children did not fare well. When life in the blender sped up, as it always does, the kids of these blended families in the Bible headed for the blades:
Abraham had two sons by two wives and the boys and their mothers could not get along.
Jacob had 12 sons and one daughter by 4 wives. What followed was anger, resentment, and jealousy among them and their descendants for centuries.
King David, as most kings did, had multiple wives and his kids didn’t blend well. His first born son raped his half sister and was later murdered by his half brother in revenge. That child decided he should be the next king and had a love-fest, sleeping with ten of King David’s concubines. Another son tries to establish himself as king in his father’s place only to be dethroned and executed by his half-brother. Another child of King David was conceived out of wedlock and died as a newborn. The son who would follow David as King himself fell to the lure of many wives and led the Kingdom into straying away for God.
Luke 11:17
17 Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them: "Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall.
(NIV)
Healthy communication takes time and practice to achieve. A good book on healthy communication is a must! But here are some tips:
• Begin conversations by affirming “We’re here for the sake of the kids.”
• Make your goal to understand, rather than to persuade.
• Choose your issues carefully. Is it really about the child, or about your need for vengeance?
• Ask sincere questions: “What do you think we should do?” “How do you feel about this?”
• A parent who wants to break a child of the new habit of lying will communicate the problem and the strategy to the other parent.
• Give your full attention to the other person. Don’t plan your response, interrupt, blame or accuse the other person.
• Communicate like an adult both verbally and nonverbally, even if the other person doesn’t. (80% of communication takes place non-verbally!)
• If communicating with the former spouse is particularly difficult, consider mediation.
• Pray before the meeting, and pray afterward.
When raising children between two homes, Coparenting is an absolute act of sacrifice that thinks first, “What is best for my child?” instead of “What is best for me?” It asks, “How can I lead my child to live a godly life, no matter the obstacles I encounter with my child’s other parent or step parent?” Being an intentional coparent means (many times) laying aside my own hurts, disappointments, unfair treatment in the past and unresolved problems and choosing to do the right thing for the sake of the child.
Some coparenting relationships are very difficult and extremely complicated. Sometimes coparents find themselves facing frustration and behaviors from the other biological parent or other step parents that are hurtful, unkind and (in our flesh) would create a reaction that would lash back or argue against injustice. Sometimes situations can get complicated when parents are attending school functions, sporting events, piano recitals and birthday parties. When the children are present it is always the absolute best choice to hold back any negative interaction and keep the events peaceful and focused on the children. The passage above speaks of “suffering unjustly” and “when He was reviled, He did not revile in return.” Christ is the ultimate example of unconditional love and grace towards those that did not deserve it or give it in return yet He chose time and time again to lay His life down for others.
In coparenting, this can simply mean that a parent continues to be kind and Christ-like to the child’s other parent, even when the other parent is cold, despondent or even outwardly rude. It is holding back words of defensiveness or anger and instead, choosing the high road instead of the easy road. It is expressing words of grace in response to rudeness. It is smiling at the other parent(s) even when they are not smiling back. It is calling oneself to the highest accountability for every word said, action expressed and response given -- with the complete focus on being an example to the child no matter what!
Difficult conversations should be handled in private without the child’s involvement. Biological parents and stepparents should consider ways to communicate about the details of the child’s life without doing so in front of the children, especially when there is unresolved hostility between the parents. Holding one’s tongue can be one of the greatest gifts you can give your children – not because the other parent “deserves” it but because you choose your child first in every situation! Allowing children to interact with all of their parents in a peaceful environment is an amazing gift!
I encourage you to always remember that God sees the motive of your heart. He calls it a “gracious thing” to live as Christ and to always choose your children’s heart first, no matter the conflict or frustration of the moment. Entrust yourself to Him! Love as He loved. Give as He gave.
The quarterback has to think ahead to where the receiver is going to be when he decides to through the ball. The quarterback does not throw the ball to the spot the receiver is “at” when he releases the ball, but to where he is “GOING”! We make choices, as parents, that are based on where our children are headed and how we want them to be as adults, not always based on the moment or the circumstances immediately in front of us.
Looking beyond the moment to where the child is headed is crucial to being able to respond with perspective in mind! It’s all about the child’s heart and how the heart can make it through the life journey without being fumbled, dropped or broken by the parenting team.
Galatians 6:7-8
7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.
8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
(NIV)
What will you plant in the garden of a child’s heart? If you want potatoes to grow in your garden, what do you plant there? POTATOES! If you want God’s fruit to grow in the fertile garden of your child’s life, you must plant it there.
In their study guide The Fruits of the Spirit: The Stepfamily Spiritual Journey, Steve and Dena Sposato apply the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 to stepfamily life. The first fruit they chose to tackle, I believe with good reason, is that of self-control. They state, “Self-control is not about having strength and willpower—it is the absence of trying to control others.”
• Self-control means living authentically. Even Jesus, who was perfect, did not spend his time on earth trying to straighten us out. Instead, he showed us the way by living a perfect life, he taught the way when people were hungry to hear, then he sacrificed his life to prove how serious he was about ours.
• Self-control means choosing battles wisely. If an issue is not important to both you and your spouse (the biological parent), think twice before bringing it up. If the issue is truly important, first gently win the support of your spouse.
Begin with the end in mind: a whole, healthy, well-adjusted adult who will make great choices in his/her relationships, future parenting and overall life decisions.
Ephesians 4:22-24
22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;
23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds;
24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
(NIV)
Beattitudes for Life in the Blender
Be TRUTHFUL
Ephesians 4:25
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
(NIV)
Be ANGRY BUT DON’T SIN
Ephesians 4:26-27
26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
(NIV)
Be FAITHFUL TO SUPPORT YOUR CHILDREN
Ephesians 4:28
28 He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
(NIV)
Be CAREFUL LITTLE MOUTHS WHAT YOU SAY
Ephesians 4:29
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
(NIV)
Be SENSITIVE TO GOD
Ephesians 4:30
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
(NIV)
Be CLEAN IN YOUR MOTIVES TOWARD YOUR EX
Ephesians 4:31
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
(NIV)
Blended families must deal with the perplexes of the “exes”.
Life would be so much easier if we could have only one set of kinks to work through in making those family ties. Life, however, is usually pretty good at weaving several colors of thread with varying textures into our tapestry.
The silence of a parent’s absence in a child’s life sometimes rings louder than the clanging of a parent who is always there. For some children, there just isn’t enough presence to disappoint. Their parent promises to pick them up for a visit and then doesn’t show. The child sits at the window, bags packed, waiting one eternal hour after another until bedtime finally brings their wait to a heartbreaking close. Scenarios of similar disparagement can be seen at ball games, school plays, band concerts, birthday parties where children expectantly wait for a mom or dad who promised to come but doesn’t. The instinctive reaction to this kind of treatment is much like a mother bear protecting her cub. Watch out the claws!
Keep in mind that bear hugs are far better than bear claws! Remember that the reason why your child is disappointed is because they love their other parent, your ex. Your child wants to be with them. Breaking out your bear claws to verbally attack your ex only add to your child’s insecurity.
Be KIND AND COMPASSIONATE TOWARD YOUR EX
Ephesians 4:32
32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
(NIV)
Be IMITATORS OF GOD
Ephesians 5:1-2
1 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children
2 and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
(NIV)
