Superglue #2
[2] Last week we talked about how we all want to have a marriage that holds together like superglue. We talked about how the Lord instituted marriage to be a permanent relationship between a man and a woman where the two would actually become one.
[‘1’ and superglue demonstration.]
[3] The bonding agent of true loves shows itself in our commitment to our spouses. If we want our marriage to be bonded together like superglue, we need to be committed! Committed like in I Corinthians 13.
[Read I Corinthians 13:7-8a.]
Our marriages need commitment. But along with that commitment, we also need [4] good communication in our marriages for them to be healthy.
Now sometimes good communication is hard to come by between a man and a woman. Men and woman communicate so differently, don’t they?
When a man says, "Can I help with dinner?"
He really means, "Why isn’t it already on the table?"
When a woman says, “Come help me with dinner.”
She really means, “I want to tell you everything about my day.”
When a man says, "Uh-huh honey.” Or “Yes dear."
He really means absolutely nothing – it’s a conditioned response.
When a woman says, "Uh-huh honey.” Or “Yes dear."
She really means, “I definitely don’t believe what you just said.”
When a man says, “It would take too long to explain"
He really means, "I have no idea how it works."
A woman would never say, “It would take too long to explain.”
When a man says, "Take a break honey, you’re working too hard.”
He really means, "I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
When a woman says, "Take a break honey, you’re working too hard.”
She really means, "Come and sit with me so we can talk."
Did you know that women use at least twice as many words a day as men do? Do you know why that is? Because they have to repeat everything they say! “I said, the toilet is overflowing again!” “Uh-huh honey; yes dear.”
The point is, men and women need to be able to communicate better if they want their marriages to be bonded together like superglue. And our communication, like everything in our lives, should be based on the Christ-life. [5]
[Read Ephesians 4:17-24.]
Because of our new lives in Christ we should act different. We act different because we think different. And because of this, we should communicate differently that the rest of the unsaved world.
And do you know what’s interesting? The principles of communication that can provide a healthy marriage relationship are principles that we often teach our kids when they’re just learning how to talk and communicate.
We teach our kids to be honest. We teach our kids to be open. And we teach our kids to be kind. What if we practiced what we preached in our marriage relationships? [6]
I. Honesty opens the door of communication
[Read Ephesians 4:25.]
Now here, Paul is addressing the church. He’s telling them that they should be honest at all times. It doesn’t even make sense to be dishonest with each other especially since they are all a part of the same body, the body of Christ.
You and your spouse, if both are believers, are also both united in the body of Christ. You are also both united to each other in marriage as one, even if one of you isn’t a believer. You are one! This is the greatest, strongest, most important partnership with another human being that you’re going to have. Being dishonest doesn’t do any good for that relationship. Honest is the only policy that works and it’s the only policy that Jesus will bless. Honesty opens the door of communication in our marriages.
I tell you what, honesty and integrity is under attack in the United States today. We’ve got so many excuses for honesty its pathetic!
Our society has two rules for honesty:
Be honest if the outcome of that honesty benefits the other person.
Be honest if the outcome of that honesty benefits yourself.
Other than that, the truth is up for grabs!
[‘Alleged’ kidnapper story.]
Many people would think truth is only truth if it’s legally verifiable.
Many people would think truth is only truth if it’s necessary to know.
Many people would think truth is interpretationally dependant.
But you know what, truth is truth, honesty is honesty and integrity is integrity. If we can’t be honest with our spouses then don’t expect the relationship to have a solid foundation. You are one together and need to be truthful with each other at all times!
So how does this truthfulness play itself out in the marriage relationship? Are there some rules to go by that explain how and when to be truthful? Well, the next two communication principles can help us with that.
But where honesty opens the door of communication, [7]
II. Openness clears the path for communication
If you ever want your relationship to go to the next level of intimacy, you have to be open with your spouse about who you are and how you feel – even when what you feel is anger.
[Read Ephesians 4:26-27.]
These verses address the fact that yes, we are all going to be angry at times. But we can’t harbor that anger inside and hold grudges against each other. And the only way to get things settles is to open up and talk about it.
Now it does say to be angry but don’t sin. Opening up about our frustrations doesn’t mean going off on someone. Opening up about our frustrations doesn’t mean becoming all accusative. It simply means talking with the other person about who you are and how you feel.
It also means that we have to be open with them about who they are and how they feel! One person can’t do all the sharing. Communication is a two-way street. And you know, it’s a beautiful street to be on.
Once you start sharing about who you really are on the inside, it clears the path for your spouse to share about who they really are on the inside. You see, honesty just opens the door of communication. But openness clears the path.
[Wisconsin ‘snow-door’ illustration.]
When you open yourself up to someone you put yourself in a very vulnerable position. And it usually draws the relationship closer when you do that. But it also gives the other person ‘permission’ to open up themselves. I know it’s hard for some of us to put ourselves in this kind of position. But I promise you, the more open you are with your spouse the more intimate the relationship can be.
We can see that openness is the best way to talk about your frustrations. But we also see that we shouldn’t hold onto things in a grudgeful way.
[Read Ephesians 4:26-27.]
Lisette and I pray every night right before we go to sleep. That’s the last thing we do before the snoring starts. Not only is that a way that we share in our faith together, but it’s also a way to prevent ourselves from holding a grudge.
Now I know, you can pray while being angry at someone – but it just doesn’t feel right does it? So what do you do? You work it out.
There’s been our share of times when we missed our regular bedtime because we needed to work something out before we closed the chapter of the day. And once we work it out, we can then come together as one in prayer.
Of course now every time someone sees that I’m a little tired they’re going to say, “Tom and Lisette must have been fighting last night again!”
Anyway, honest opens the door of communication, openness clears the path for communication, and: [8]
II. Kindness makes the path safe for communication
[Read Ephesians 4:29, 32.]
Now this is how you be honest with each other! Now this is how you are open with each other! Now this is how we should be treating our spouses on a regular basis in any and every situation! Good, old-fashioned, kindness!
[Wisconsin ‘snow-door’ plus salt illustration.]
Have you ever sat back and thought about some of the things you said to your spouse during your last argument?
Have you ever sat back and thought about some of the things you say to them on a regular basis?
Is your speech towards your spouse usually that of kindness or is it course, sarcastic, impatient, condescending, negative and mean. (Stop elbowing each other!)
At the end of World War I, Herbert Hoover, later to become President of the United States, led the allied relief efforts in Europe. He kept hundreds of thousands from starving, and a new word entered the Finnish language. In Finland, to "hoover" means "to be kind, to help."
Could you imagine your name becoming synonymous with kindness? But you know, our spouses should be able to say that about us. When they think of us they should be able to link our name with kindness and love, shouldn’t they?
There are a few things we just need to avoid saying to our spouses. A few things that make the path to communication hard and bumpy.
Don’t use words like always and never. Nobody is always wrong. Nobody is hopeless. But when you use those kinds of words you give that impression.
Don’t bring up past ‘sins’ as ammunition for a current situation. All that does is restart another argument and show unforgiveness.
And whatever you do, don’t start name – calling. This is our spouse we’re talking about. Our soul-mate. The one whom we have become one with.
Use words that build up your spouse. Don’t wait for a special occasion to tell them something sweet, tell them everyday and often.
Noone says, “Could you just quit telling me you love me! Goodness!” “I know you think I’m beautiful, but enough already!”
Be kind to your spouse and make the path safe for communication. We’ll walk down a path if it looks like it’s safe. But if it looks like we’ll get hurt, we ain’t walkin!
[9] We’ll communicate with someone who is honest, open and kind. But if we feel like our spouse is dishonest, holding something back and mean-spirited then true communication will be a rarity.
And remember, true communication is one of those bonding agents that hold us together as one! [10]
[Flight 93 phone conversation story.]
[11] Bond your marriage together with commitment and communication. Don’t ever give up, don’t ever get complacent, don’t ever take it for granted. God wants you to be one with your spouse. Let commitment and communication kick your marriage up to the next level of intimacy.
[Invitation and prayer.]
