Breaking Free Series Part 5
HOW TO OVERCOME ANGER – EPHESIANS 4:26-32
June 29, 2008
Acknowledgement (Doug Fields, Saddleback Church)
We are in part 5 of a series we’re calling “Breaking Free”. This series is about sins that entangle us. We want to look at what the Bible has to say about these sins and how to be set free.
Most people view anger only as a problem, something negative, and something to be avoided. Why is it that of all the various emotions anger has such a bad reputation? Why is it that so many people have a totally negative view of the emotion of anger? Is all anger bad? Is it always a sin to be angry? Is it possible for the energy of this "enemy" emotion to be constructively redirected? Can anger be used to mobilize us rather than neutralize us? In what ways can this unwelcome and potentially destructive emotion be considered a gift rather than a time-bomb?
Today we’re talking about anger. Anger is a big issue in people’s lives. We often think of an angry person as someone who explodes. But that is only one side of anger. Anger is often shoved down and not expressed. I see it in people’s lives, they tell me about it. I watch what anger does. Anger is very destructive.
I did a Bible search for the word anger or angry. Those words came up 384 times. God has a lot to say about anger.
There is God’s anger and peoples anger. There are those who are victims of anger.
In my world I often come across people who have been on the receiving end of someone’s uncontrolled anger. The results have been abuse, physical or emotional or mental. I am so sorry for your pain. I want to say as a pastor my desire is that the Holy Spirit heals you. My desire is to come alongside you and help you. Many who are victims of anger are very reluctant to come forward and get help and that it takes great, great courage. So one I’d say I’m sorry for your pain and two, let Calvary come alongside and help you in that pain.
We don’t want to repeat that cycle of anger. So you want to get help on how you deal with anger. That’s what we’re talking about, what happens to you and me when we get angry, and how do we deal with it in a godly way.
Personally I have a lot of experience with anger. For me it shows up in impatience. It is impatience when something does not work. When the door handle falls apart. When the car breaks down. When the eavestrough leaks. When the toilet doesn’t work. Impatience is a form of anger.
I don’t like what anger does to me. I don’t like the emotion that I feel when I experience it. I know for a fact that my misappropriated anger has hurt relationships. I had to apologize to my wife last week about it. I have had to apologize to my kids. I know I’ve wounded friendships. I know that I’ve scared my children. I know that I’ve said things to my wife out of anger that I regret.
Sadly I know anger well.
But as I said last week, this is not just about me. This is about you, how the Holy Spirit wants to cleanse your life. This is about how the Bible can apply directly to your life. Are you open to the Spirit of God cleansing you?
You may think that’s not me. You may think I am not swearing, punching things, kicking things. Anger has many faces. I have seen Christians get really angry at another believer because they don’t believe something in the same way they do. Many have anger and live in denial.
On your outline are the many faces of anger. Now were going to do a little self-inventory. I want you to check off the ones that apply to you.
Impatience comes over me more frequently than I like
I nurture critical thoughts quite easily
When I am unhappy with someone I shut down communication
Tension amounts within me when I tackle a demanding task
I feel frustrated when I see someone with fewer struggles than me
When I talk about my irritations I don’t like hearing an opposing viewpoint
When someone confronts me with a misinformed position, I am thinking of my rebuttal as they speak
I struggle emotionally with the things in life that are not fair
When someone openly speaks ill of me, my natural response is to think of how I can defend myself
Sarcasm is a trait I use in expressing humor
Although it may not be right, I blame others for my problems
When I am in an authority role, I may speak too sternly or insensitively
Anger is always about unmet needs.
You may show your anger in other ways than this checklist. I know that I’m not alone here today, am I? I know that you also have expressed anger in ways that you regret. That you have wounded other people.
Anger is like a boomerang. Anger, while it goes to attack somebody else, it winds up attacking you. People who express anger are really very angry people inside. Anger has a kickback into your life.
Those of you who are hunters with powerful guns know that when you shoot a gun it kicks back. Recoil. You have to brace yourself for the kickback. It can hurt. Those of you that have never shot a gun you don’t know what I’m talking about. That is a great image of kickback or anger that recoils and wounds us.
Sometimes that is very subtle, the self-wounding is subtle. Other times it is not as subtle. Unfortunately there many testimonies here this weekend – stories of people where anger has wounded, anger has hurt, anger has broken relationships. Some of you have fractured families because of anger. Some of you have physically hurt other people because of your anger.
Some of you are having trouble in your marriage because of how you respond with anger. When anger hits you get out of control. Some of you when you’re angry you just get all puffy and ugly. Others are sullen and depressed. We may snub one another, walk off in a huff, pretend not to care, sulk, criticize, gossip. These are expressions of anger. That’s what it does to you. Some women think anger is more of a male thing.” Anger has nothing to do with gender.
Some of you have non-Christian friends who have watched your respond when you’re angry and they can’t believe it. Your testimony to them falls on deaf ears because of the way that you respond to anger.
The ones that I just listed to you are the emotional, the relational consequences. I’m not even talking about things we’ve broken or punched or kicked.
I know you can learn something about anger today. But let me ask you this. Let’s make this personal. How many of you in here think you need to learn something about anger? You’re not alone. This is a biggie. Nobody escapes this emotion. I don’t care if you’re young, old, Christian, not Christian, male, female. You’re not going to escape this.
Before we really get going I want to identify five myths that perpetuate anger (Dr. Les Carter)
1. My history of rejection means I am forever jinxed.
This is the person who thinks nobody will ever accept me. Since nobody will ever accept me, I have a right to be angry. Realistically not everyone will accept me, love me, and care for me. If I realize and accept that then anger does not build. Some of us have come from really bad homes; places where we were told that were stupid, useless and cannot learn. The Bible says we do have the resources to thrive in spite of rejections (2nd Timothy 1:7).
2. God should have stopped my problems.
Anger is often a by-product of some kind of suffering. While attempting to find the root of the problem we often blame God. When are you most likely to blame God for your problems? We believe the lie that ‘a loving God could not possibly allow the pain and suffering I am experiencing. They thoughts produce ugly anger. We fail to recall that we live in a fallen, sinful and suffering world. Man was in a perfect world and he chose to sin against a holy God. That is true. But rather than griping that God is not there for you, why don’t you thank God for an inquisitive mind. You can thank God that He is making you into a more caring person. You can acknowledge that God gave you those tears to empathize with others hurts.
3. Letting go of my anger means I am conceding defeat.
Angry people feel like victims. Many have hurts that were uninvited. But dropping your anger does not concede defeat. Sometimes dropping our anger is an emotionally healthy choice. You may have tried to confront someone about something but it is not working. Here is an example. An adult son admits that his father or mother has chosen not to love him. So rather than carry a grudge, he decides to forgive his father. He then reads the Bible and books and decides he is going to parent his children in a new way. Here is another example. Rather than continually complaining about the work environment at Goldcorp you decide to do your best work is spite of differences you have with the company. That is dropping your anger.
4. Nobody understands my unique problems.
This is the lie that I am the only one going through these problems. That is simply not true. That is why we need one another in the body of Christ. Somebody in the church will comfort you. Are you open to that? Rick Warren in his excellent book ‘The Purpose Driven Life’ wrote ‘real fellowship happens when Christians share their hurts, reveal their feelings, confess their failures, disclose their doubts, admit their fears, and ask for help and prayer.’ God understands your weaknesses and there are others who do also.
5. I have nothing to look forward to anymore.
Think of the hockey team who has a perpetual losing record. They hire a new coach. What should the coach’s first task? To get them to believe that they can win. To get them to believe that the future can be different. Some of us have fallen into the habit of believing that things will always be bad. The Apostle Paul a history of wrong choices, trials and sins in his life. His focus changed (Phil. 3:13-14). He determined not to let his angry history control his future. God changed him, and in his later years he exemplified kindness, compassion, servitude, assertiveness, gentleness and grace.
Let me tell you my goal for today. My goal is I want you to walk out of here with one Bible verse that can transform our hearts and lives. I want you to walk out of here knowing that anger requires a response. And I’m the one that can choose my pain or my peace. That’s my goal.
Let’s dig into it. Let’s go straight to God’s word.
This morning I want to focus on one passage, the one we read earlier. There is a reference to anger three times in this passage. This is the verse that I want us to memorize. We’ll work on it together by reading it three times. It is on your outline. Then I want you to take it home and memorize it this week. I want it to be become a discerning filter in our heart and for our actions. Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be angry but do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger and don’t give the devil an opportunity.”
We’re going to break this into three parts. “Be angry but do not sin.” The second part is “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” And the third part “Don’t give the devil an opportunity.”
Three appropriate responses to Anger:
1. Be angry
When the Apostle Paul was writing that to the church of Ephesus he wasn’t writing anything new. As a matter of fact he was quoting the Old Testament. Psalm 4:4 says “Be angry but do not sin.” What are the first two words of that verse? “Be angry.”
The Apostle Paul is a realist. He knows there is going to be anger in the church and our lives. So he says be angry and do not sin.
Right now you’re going to get some of my counseling on anger. The first thing:
There is godly anger
If you never have anger you don’t have any passion or convictions. You don’t have any opinions. If you don’t get angry do yourself a favor and check the obituary because your name might be there. You might actually be dead.
So what is godly anger?
Anger is not bad in and of itself. It is very important to note that anger itself is not necessarily a sin. Jesus became angry with his disciples, the Pharisees, the traders in the temple. There are many examples of Gods anger in the Old Testament. God told the Israelis in the desert that ‘they would never enter his rest, ‘the Promised Land.’ Several distinctions are present in Gods righteous anger. First, He is God and does not sin in His emotions or actions.
So anger is not bad in and of itself. The issue is how it is managed. The vast majority of biblical references to words like anger, rage, wrath, and fury refer to the anger and wrath of God. Anger is neither right nor wrong until there is a motive, Anger can be productive and loving, just as it can be destructive and selfish. What we need is the discernment that can be developed by those who want to see their anger from the Lord’s point of view.
The problem isn’t the emotion of anger. The problem is that we don’t understand our anger and haven’t learned how to cultivate healthy anger.” Your thinking "Healthy anger . . . you’ve got to be kidding me!" No, I am dead serious.
Let’s take an example to godly anger.
Let’s think about a married couple. She seems angry to a lot of people. What they do not know is her husband has a history of drugs, alcohol and pornography. He does not get the help he needs. He blows the money she needs to help her children. She does not know how to respond in a godly way, but the things she is angry about angers the heart of God. That is godly anger, to be grieved about things that grieve the heart of God.
2. Do not sin. Some anger is inappropriate
What I don’t like about this verse that I had you memorize is what comes after the first two words. “Be angry but…” When you start reading your Bible there are so many great verses that use the words “but”. There are so many big buts in the Bible.
But this is the biggie. “Be angry but don’t sin.” Be angry but deal with your anger before it gets ugly. When is anger sin?
Anger is sin when we respond in an ungodly way. What are the ungodly ways to respond to anger?
a. Suppressing anger
Some of us are prideful. We do not want to appear weak. So we refuse to talk about our feelings. We shove it down inside. We express mild surprise when someone asks us if were angry. We say ‘who me? Angry? No everything is fine. How about you? Do you ever hold anger inside in an unhealthy way? Your husband says something to you and you throw everything at him but the kitchen sink. He is thinking where did that come from? This thinking says ‘because all anger is bad I have to shove it down.’ Then when I do say something everything else comes out. I cannot be authentic, I cannot express the way I feel. So I suppress my anger. That is an ungodly way to respond to anger.
b. Open aggression
This is when I preserve my own stand or position at someone else’s expense. This includes rage, hitting, swearing, complaining, and blame. With open aggression I am insensitive to the needs of others. This person may have some legitimate things to say, but they come out in ungodly ways. Open aggression is an ungodly way to respond to anger,
3. Keep short accounts
That’s what it means, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” Very, very practical. It means to keep short accounts. The Jews did not have clocks and time zones. In Judaism when the sun went down that was the end of the day. What was the Apostle saying to the church? Don’t let anything fester. Deal with it promptly. Don’t harbor your anger.
Be angry but don’t allow your anger to open the door for the devil to walk through and use you.
Anger requires a response. When your response wounds somebody else or wounds you nobody wins? You just gave the devil an opportunity. When sin happens the devil is glorified.
You confront the issue in a godly way. Your preserve the personal worth, feelings and dignity of the person. You don’t become abrasive and harsh.
The Apostle Paul is trying to warn us so that the devil’s character is not reproduced through us. That’s what happens when anger turns to sin. It grieves me when I think my anger wounds somebody else or wounds myself, the devil wins. That his character is being reproduced through me. That’s not God’s design for my life or for neither your life nor this church.
When you’re angry and you don’t sin your character is more in the line of Jesus Christ. That is God’s goal for you and for me that Jesus Christ’s character might be reproduced within us.
I want you to walk out of here knowing that one passage “Be angry but do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger and don’t give the devil an opportunity.” But I want to give you another verse. I want to show you how these two connect. James 1:20 “Anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”
Let’s put these two together “Be angry but don’t sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger and don’t give the devil an opportunity… [because] … anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”
That’s pretty clear isn’t it? That when my anger wounds somebody else or wounds myself that’s not the righteous life that God desires for me. If I was to ask you what you want to be known for it would not be ungodly anger. It wouldn’t be by being used by the enemy of God. We want to live right lives, righteous lives. To be in right relationship with other humans and to be in right relationship with God. That’s the desires of our heart.
How do we do that? How do we do that when we get angry? When anger is a normal emotion, what do we do with that?
Let’s go right to you. What do you do? You have to respond to anger. You can respond in one of two ways. You can respond in a God honoring way or you can respond in a way where the enemy wins.
One response is we can delight the devil. When you get irritation you go to anger, resentment sets in, revenge takes over, hatred. You know this cycle. This is the pain and bondage. This is where anger gets ugly. And it’s consuming and it shoots and kicks back and recoils into our own life.
What if there was a camera kind of hidden in your life? And when anger hits you and it gets ugly and it’s shown to other people? What does that look like for you? Where do you go with anger?
Some of you are violent like that. You explode and you rage and you hit things and you punch and yell and scream.
Others think it’s more mature to not respond that way but they still stuff it down. And they implode it in their life and it gets ugly and it festers and it becomes toxic. It will leak out in your life. I don’t care whether you explode or you implode. It is going to get out.
There is a better response than playing into the devils hands. There’s a better option than being a pawn of Satan.
It’s the response I’m calling the desires of God. Based on biblical wisdom and best practices I want to show you an alternative way. I want to walk you through a way that you can respond to the anger in a godly way; a way that delights God.
1. The first is this: Don’t deny your anger.
Don’t deny it. We already know that’s part of being human being. It’s a normal emotion. You are a human being if you get angry.
It’s natural to feel anger. What we need is help to express that anger in a godly way. So don’t deny the anger.
I would also say to those of you who are Christians. Don’t spiritualize it either. Someone said “I’m a Christian. I don’t get angry.” I’m revolted by that. “I’m a Christian…” I am too. I work with Christians. They get angry. They get very angry. Don’t spiritualize it. Jesus got angry.
The other thing that I would encourage you not to do in this denial part. Don’t announce it. Don’t announce that you’re angry. Nobody wins there. You know what I’m talking about: “Like one guy said, I’m so angry I could rip a bears head off!” And you say something totally dumb and illogical. “I’m so angry I could scream!” Good for you. Go scream but don’t bring other people into your stupidity! Don’t announce it.
Why? What happens when you announce it? It just creates fear. The only motive is to threaten other people. If you do that the enemy has just won. It’s at this point right here, between don’t deny it and delay it that you and I have to make a choice.
Anger requires a response. My choice is pain or peace. If I’m in a lot of pain because of my anger that’s my fault. Anger requires a response and my choice is pain or peace.
2. The second action is to delay my anger. This requires maturity. This is when I need to slow down and cool off. For many of us we need to change environments.
The number one way that men change environments when they’re angry is they like to get in cars and drive. That’s reassuring isn’t it? An angry guy in a car driving. No wonder we have road rage.
When women get angry they withdraw and eat. That’s the primary action. Ladies, that is more logical to me than driving. It really is.
Whatever you do, I’m just saying delay it. Whatever your tactic is, you delay it so at it doesn’t lead to sin… or gluttony.
If you don’t delay it, this is where you hurt people. We know this one all too well. You started to delay it, you changed environments, you start to cool down. That is great.
But your dwelling on this so much your thinking of all the sarcastic things you can say to someone who made you angry.
Then you start thinking about how the world is out to get you and you’re just playing it over and it’s eating on you. You’ve changed environments but now you’ve come out of that room like a drunken cowboy and you are shooting at people. The change of environments didn’t work, did it?
Or some of you change environments and unfortunately there is an innocent person in one of those environments. Then what do we do? We’re taking it out on them. We’re yelling at them. And you’re co workers like, “I’m just over here breathing, not doing anything!”
You got to figure out what does it look like to delay it. When you delay it, there is a part that “I’m the one that was hurt. I’m the innocent party and everybody else is to blame and I was absolutely right.” And all that stuff.
But what this step requires is patience. I realize not everyone in here is a follower of Jesus Christ. Let me talk for a second to those of you who are. If you have asked Jesus Christ to be the Lord and Savior of your life and God filled you with His presence, His Spirit, the Bible teaches us that one of the reactions to the presence of God in your life is what is called the fruit of the Holy Spirit. And one of them is patience. This is when we need to realize who is the Lord of our life and we draw on God’s patience.
Proverbs 16 “Patience is better than strength. Controlling your temper is better than capturing a city.” A lot of us want to be strong. The Bible says patience is better than strength. How do you delay it? What do you do? You’ve got to figure that one out or you can’t proceed.
For me, sometimes I say to myself ‘chill out.’ Don’t major on the minors.
Some of you, you just need to start off by saying, I am wrong. I am wrong. Whatever it takes to delay. It helps you to delay your response. When anger appears and the thermostat is moving up don’t deny it. But delay it. You change environments. Maybe you force yourself to say, I could be wrong.
Let me give you a scenario where we put this into practice. Let’s pretend you go to a church and someone makes you mad. They say something rude and its makes you angry. Soon you’re coming to church to worship God but your mad, angry.
What could you do in a situation like that? Purely hypothetical. What could you do in a situation like that to delay your anger? Call the person up; have them over. Bless their lives. Talk to them and listen to their perspective. Pray for them. There are a lot of things we could do.
We need to grow up a little bit and realize what’s happening here.
We delay our response. So our response is honoring to God.
3. The third action is to define our anger.
Many of you know this. Anger is not a primary emotion. Anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is a response. What you first feel is you feel hurt or frustration or fear. When you swallow hurt, frustration, fear what comes up is anger. But anger is on the surface. There’s always something underneath the surface. If we’re going to respond in a God honoring way we’ve got to back up and check what’s underneath the surface.
One time I came into the room. The bed was made but it looked lumpy, like something was under the covers. I pulled back the covers and saw there was my grandson’s toy there.
That’s what I’m asking you to do. What’s underneath it? Ask yourself these questions: Why am I really angry? What’s beneath the surface? What’s causing this?
Friends don’t live in denial. Don’t discount your anger. You’ll always blame other people. And you’ll live a victimized life. Most people do. They live on the surface and they move from anger and they react. They wound others and they wound themselves. I’m asking you here not to react but to reflect. You reflect and then you are able to respond.
Let’s make this very practical. How does this work in the twenty-first century? Today!
You wife says things have to change or I am out of here. And you are angry. You’re flat out ticked off. That’s the scenario. What is the issue that is making her so unhappy? She is not loved. She is hurt, frustrated and fearful.
Take another scenario. This one is out of my life. It’s late at night, one or two in the morning. My wife wakes me up. “Did you hear that?” What? “She’s hearing something. “Go down there and check!” And I keep sawing logs.”
Think about it. If it is, what good am I going to do? In my pajamas with a plunger and alarm clock. Like that’ going to scare Freddy Kruger away. It’s not going to happen. But I should go and help her. She feels angry and uncared for.
What I’m saying is define it. When there’s anger, there’s always something underneath it. Anger is just a emotion but underneath it is a root issue. When you define it you can deal with it. Friends, if you don’t define it here’s what happens. You live very superficial lives and you’re always going to be triggered by anger. That same trigger is going to get you next time. You wound others or wound yourself. When you define it then you can take the fourth step
4. The fourth step is to diffuse it.
Diffuse it is a great word. This basically means you deal with it so it doesn’t explode. You put it to rest. You handle it in a God honoring way. You don’t send that first draft of the email with all of the hateful words. You do not need to fight every time I think I am right. That’s diffusing it. Sometimes we need to speak truth. Sometimes I just need to keep my mouth shut. Basically diffusing is seeking relational peace so that I don’t give the devil an opportunity to win.
This is what the Bible means when it says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” What’s it saying? Deal with it. Diffuse it.
The point here, the Biblical principle is get at it soon so that you don’t nurse it to ugliness. When you diffuse it this is where you clearly communicate. This is where you don’t have to express your anger. You can say things now in terms that you define. The hurt, the frustration, the fear. Now you can say things like, “I want to let you know I was really hurt by that situation. And that hurt triggered this anger. I just want to talk about it and diffuse it so that if we can avoid that hurt again, that would be a great, great thing.”
You now can use these terms. As opposed to “You make me so angry!” What does that do? It just blows everybody up. You diffuse it. Calm conversation. Basically you abide by some time tested biblical principles. Confrontation, being slow to speak, patience, forgiveness. Diffuse it.
5. The last thing I’d encourage you to do is deliver it to God.
This is where you talk to God about your hurt and your fear and your frustration. This is as simple as saying, “God, I really hurt right now. I need You. When other people hurt me or when I’m afraid or frustrated I need to draw close to You. I need You in this moment.” You bring your anger to Him.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer is a famous German pastor and author. He said this, “He who is alone in his sin is utterly alone.” The great thing with God is you don’t have to be alone with your sin. You don’t have to be alone with your hurt and your fear and your anger. You say, “God, I want to choose peace. I want the right life that You have for me. I don’t want pain. So I need Your help in this moment. I need You to show up strong. I just want to confess to You that I’m wounded. That I’m frustrated. That I’m scared. Would You give me the strength to deal with this?”
Can you imagine what your life might look like if when you got angry you choose to delight God instead of the enemy? Can you imagine what relationships might look like? Those of you who are single can you imagine that environment when you’re interacting with friends or those you are dating, can you imagine if you always weren’t the temper tantrum person? Those of you who are married, can you imagine what this might do for the intimacy in your marriage. The bond with your children would be so much deeper. Your friendships might thrive. It’d be different in the marketplace and how you deal with your coworkers and the world. It would change everything
I can imagine the outside community of Red Lake. I can imagine them looking into this church and going “You live with such a peace. I knew you a couple years ago and you were like the temper tantrum queen. You were always flying off the handle. What is the source of your peace? Why are you so different? Whatever you’ve got or whatever you’ve done I want that.” I can see that. I can see it for you. I can see it for me. I can see it for our friends and family who aren’t here who need this message. I’ll tell you what I know. I guarantee you this week, you will have an opportunity to experience anger. You can count on it. When your anger is triggered don’t do what you’ve normally done that hasn’t worked. Don’t shoot others and recoil that anger back in your life. Your anger requires a response. You can choose pain or you can choose peace. I choose peace. And I know you want to choose peace as well.
Prayer:
God, thank You for another day to be alive. I know that this weekend at Calvary. There is so much pain represented here. So many of us have marked our lives with anger and we’ve wounded others and the kick back and recoil in our lives is killing us. God, we know that we don’t want to continue in that same direction when we’re angry. We need Your word to come alive in our lives and help us not to sin in our anger. We don’t want to give the devil any opportunity to use our actions for his glory. But on our own strength we fail so we beg for Your strength. Would You give us the wisdom and the power to choose the response that leads to peace? God, may we find victory in our anger this week. We thank You for Your love for us that regardless of what we choose that You love us. May we be changed by that love. We pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.
