“There are always two sides to an argument; and they are generally married to each other;” a common expression which is all too common in the daily life of a married couple. Arguments, whether bitter or just a simple spat will occur from time to time, as if you didn’t already know that. Confusion over what each person means and why such an argument came about can be painful. Why is she getting so upset over the toilet seat being up, we’ve only been married 15 years and I have never put it down? Why is he getting upset after all this time over me forgetting to check the oil of the car? Even children are a part of family squabbles from time to time and they may not even understand the situation. If they don’t understand the situation, then they won’t understand why they are being punished. Maybe some better communication lines would help. Learning a better way to resolve conflict might be a very good idea. A good and seemingly eternal question is “how do we deal with it?”
Back in the year 1902, Argentina and Chile finally ended a long struggle over the borders between their two respective countries. To commemorate this event, they built an enormous statue of Jesus Christ at the center of the Andes. Everything seemed to be going fine until the statue had been completed. The Chileans saw that the statue faced away from them and towards Argentina. They were infuriated that such an act would have been done by their neighbors. As their anger raged, a news columnist wrote something very simple that calmed their emotions. “The Argentineans need more watching over than the Chileans.” The Chileans laughed and enjoyed the moment of hilarity. Another war had been averted by the kind and quick witted words of just a single man.
Does the bible say anything about dealing with arguments? One man in great authority had probably the worst dispute in the world to deal with. He had to deal with the Jewish leaders pushing their agendas on Rome without making the Roman emperor angry. Pontius Pilate found himself being woken up by a mob outside of his home; the praetorium. Pontius lived in an estate above the barracks. A Jewish mob had come to bring accusation against a man and have him killed. Pilate was the provincial governor and had the responsibility of handling the mob before it became a riot against Rome. If Rome found out that he wasn’t governing his own land, they would remove him and put someone else there. Yet, his job was to seek justice, and not personal gain. We may be able to learn a thing or two from Pontius whether from his mistakes or his good deeds. We can resolve conflict easier! It doesn’t have to be a bitter struggle to the very end. Pontius makes at least one good effort and two mistakes that we can learn from; first he listened to both sides of the argument, secondly he questioned truth, and thirdly he should have preserved justice. Pilate heard both sides of the story but when truth comes, he questions the very idea of it and soon enough he caves to the pressure to just give in to the mob. Let’s take a little bit and review the interaction between Pilate, Jesus, and the mob of Jews and see if we can learn some conflict management skills.
Listen: Openly and Unbiased (18:29-35)
“So Pilate came out to them and asked, "What charges are you bringing against this man?" "If he were not a criminal," they replied, "we would not have handed him over to you." Pilate said, "Take him yourselves and judge him by your own law."
"But we have no right to execute anyone," the Jews objected. This happened so that the words Jesus had spoken indicating the kind of death he was going to die would be fulfilled. Pilate then went back inside the palace, summoned Jesus and asked him, "Are you the king of the Jews?" "Is that your own idea," Jesus asked, "or did others talk to you about me?" "Am I a Jew?" Pilate replied. "It was your people and your chief priests who handed you over to me. What is it you have done?
You can’t imagine that Pilate was too happy to be woken up at somewhere around 4 to 6 in the morning. He lived a life of leisure and luxury with his only responsibility to the throne of Caesar being to judge the people and keep them under wraps. As long as Rome didn’t have to come and deal with the province, Pilate would be left alone to do as he pleased. Now enter the mob of Jews who, on their Passover, would not even enter his home and speak to him. They didn’t want to be dirtied before the Passover. So he has had to get out of bed in the middle of the night and now he has to go to the gate of his home to answer these men. Pilate then takes the prisoner, Jesus, and asks them one simple question: What is the problem? What has this man done wrong that you need to come bother me? Knowing the Jews and their petty ways, he smelled something fishy. He tried to send them off knowing full well what they intended but they demanded death and so he listened. He needed more than just their side of the story and so he heads over to speak with Jesus about this matter. Now Pilate is trying to find the real problem here. He might even be trying to find the quickest solution but he listens to what each set of people has to say. Unfortunately he failed to be completely open because of the bias he had against the Jews. They had brought a bad name upon themselves. Now, regardless of the truth of the matter, Pilate would suspect them of foul play. They had lost credibility.
I had learned a little trick when I was around 6 or 7 that helped me deal with my sister. You know, she would bug me and get me into trouble. For instance, it would be my turn to clean the floors and vacuum and so I would finally get to doing it after a few threats from my parents. As soon as I finished and went to play games, she would come in and throw stuff all over the floors. Well, since puberty hadn’t hit just yet, I had a very shrill voice. So from that point on, everytime she annoyed me, I would scream at the top of my lungs. You see, my parents hated it because she would go around an ddo it for no reason. HAHAHA! Now I had my own weapon. My parents wouldn’t believe her when she said that I had done it. Brien couldn’t scream like that. Quit screaming like that or you are going to be early. Mwa ha ha ha ha! Oh, so my dad would usually at least listen to both sides of the story, but if one side lost credibility they had a tough time regaining it.
The Jews had lost credibility and weren’t doing well to gain it back. Pilate, although he listened, didn’t listen openly and unbiased. His bias colored his thinking about the claim of the Jews. They had submitted so many false claims up to this point that he really didn’t feel like listening to them any more. This may be our first mistake when we try to communicate with our spouse, children, or most anyone. We don’t really listen to what the other person is saying. We are too busy trying to come up with something to say. Ok, you may say you don’t do this but take a minute and think with me. Do you usually have something to say to the other person before they are done speaking? If so, then you aren’t listening. You are too busy trying to think of something to say. Yes, people lose credibility. You will and I will. However, it is up to each of us to allow the other to gain it back. Ok, so they lied to you a hundred times. I know that the odds are that they will do it again but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t at least try to listen to what they have to say. The first step in resolving conflict is to listen. If you want to make it easier, make sure you close your mouth and open your ears regardless of your bias.
Know the Truth: Discernment is necessary (18:36-38 & 19:9-11)
“Jesus said, "My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jews. But now my kingdom is from another place." "You are a king, then!" said Pilate. Jesus answered, "You are right in saying I am a king. In fact, for this reason I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me." "What is truth?" Pilate asked. With this he went out again to the Jews and said, "I find no basis for a charge against him.”
Let’s continue through the next verses and hear Jesus’ reply. Jesus explains that his kingdom is not of this world and that he has done nothing to deserve being punished; especially death. He has told the absolute truth about his life, work, and the message he has spread. He explains as he has many times before that he has spoken the truth and that those who want truth will listen to him. Pilate’s reply is not so shocking considering the world we live in. He questions the relevancy of truth. “What is truth?” Scholars are split on whether he just doesn’t care about truth or if he truly questions the reality of absolute truth. Pilate continues to investigate Jesus Christ and even allows him to be roughed up, hoping the crowd would have sympathy for Him and let him go. Finally Pilate comes back into the Palace and speaks to Jesus. “"Where do you come from?" he asked Jesus, but Jesus gave him no answer. "Do you refuse to speak to me?" Pilate said. "Don’t you realize I have power either to free you or to crucify you?" Jesus answered, "You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above. Therefore the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin."” Pilate gets a big dose of the truth. He felt pretty high and mighty and yet Jesus gives him a taste of reality. Jesus knew the real truth. God had allowed that man to have power. God had allowed Pilate to condemn or release Jesus. Pilate knew the truth of the matter; Jesus was innocent. Now he also had to know that he was powerless against God.
Discernment in Scripture is the skill that enables us to differentiate. It is the ability to see issues clearly. We desperately need to cultivate this spiritual skill that will enable us to know right from wrong. We must be prepared to distinguish light from darkness, truth from error, best from better, righteousness from unrighteousness, purity from defilement, and principles from pragmatics. Pilate had some discernment but still lacked some as well. He didn’t even realize who was in control of the situation. He knew only some of the truth of the situation. He didn’t get down to the root of the problem. He allowed the Jews to push him around and get their way. They had a mob and because they had a mob, even truth would be lost.
The second piece of communicating well is knowing the truth about the situation. If we don’t know all the details, it becomes very hard to make a judgment call. It may be hard but I think all of us can admit a time when we have made a judgment call on very limited information. Someone comes to you wanting advice and gives you their side of the story and asks what they should do. Maybe, you are having difficulty with someone you work with and just cannot decide how to deal with them because they are just plain annoying. If you give them a label like that, you probably haven’t taken the time to fully understand them. Their life may be horrendous and that may be why they drive you nuts. I know it may not always be pleasant but you have to take the whole picture into account before you make a judgment call; even if you feel that they deserve to be blown off.
Preserving Justice: Unlike Pilate… (19:12-16)
““From then on, Pilate tried to set Jesus free, but the Jews kept shouting, "If you let this man go, you are no friend of Caesar. Anyone who claims to be a king opposes Caesar."
When Pilate heard this, he brought Jesus out and sat down on the judge’s seat at a place known as the Stone Pavement (which in Aramaic is Gabbatha). It was the day of Preparation of Passover Week, about the sixth hour. "Here is your king," Pilate said to the Jews. But they shouted, "Take him away! Take him away! Crucify him!" "Shall I crucify your king?" Pilate asked. "We have no king but Caesar," the chief priests answered. Finally Pilate handed him over to them to be crucified.”
Pilate had a sense of justice. He knew right from wrong even if it were only a minimal amount. He could tell you the difference between stealing and giving. He knew right from wrong. He knew that Jesus was innocent. He had tried and tried to get the Jews to let Jesus go. Yet, soon his own integrity and willingness to uphold justice would fail. He knew what was right but he didn’t want to deal with a riot on his hands. He might have even reasoned with himself that Jesus would be killed either way. The Jews continued to push for the death of Christ. They even start using threats of speaking to Rome about the matter. If Caesar heard about this rebellion, Pilate would lose his ruling authority and would be replaced by someone who would placate the mobs. Finally Pilate gives in to the mob and allows Jesus to be crucified. Pilate knew what was right and he knew what he should do yet he did not. He did not preserve justice. Justice would have freed Jesus. However, irritation with the crowd and fear of losing control pushed him to give in to the mob and ignore justice.
“Supreme Court Justice Horace Gray once informed a man who had appeared before him in a lower court and had escaped conviction on a technicality, "I know that you are guilty and you know it, and I wish you to remember that one day you will stand before a better and wiser Judge, and that there you will be dealt with according to justice and not according to law." Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, the thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down the other side, and found himself in the city prison.” -- Oops: The Book of Blunders, 1980.
God himself even demands justice. That is why Jesus Christ had to die for our sins. If we had to fulfill justice, we would all have to die without any chance of parole. We wouldn’t even get a chance at jail. The third part of resolving conflict is to always uphold justice, regardless of the circumstances. The temptation to give in just to get the problem over with is incredibly great. You are tired from working and when you get home your two precious darlings are fighting like cats and dogs. The last thing you want to do is deal with them. The temptation not to follow through and listen, learn the truth about the situation, and then give a good judgment call can be too much. It is much easier just to send the little squirts to bed “knowing” full well they both caused the problem. Justice is so easy to evade due to being tired.
There are always two sides to an argument; and usually they are married although sometimes they are your kids. Conflict will come and go. We will always have it around us. We won’t be able to avoid it but we can make it easier to get through. We need to first listen. Stop talking and stop blaming and listen. Hear what the other person has to say. A very effective way of making sure you have heard the other person is by repeating back to them what they just said. If they say, “Honey, I really wish you would help with the house work.” Then repeat, “honey, I hear you saying that you wish that I would help with the house work.” Secondly, make sure you learn the truth about the situation. Don’t assume you know everything about it. Lastly, make sure you uphold justice. Do the right thing regardless of the consequences. Pilate did alright until he gave into the pressure of going the easy way. Justice never goes the easy way. If you want to resolve conflict easier, learn to communicate better. If you need a good place to start, start with Jesus. He can help you through it all.
