Have you ever felt unloved or uncared for by your spouse? He was too busy with his sports game, shop work, chopping wood, etc. to spend time with you. He comes home tired from work and just ready to zone out and watch television for a bit and doesn’t understand why you keep talking and won’t leave him alone. This miscommunication has a great deal to do with the fact that only one half of the relationship is functioning. You see on Mother’s day we spoke about how men can better love their wives. The Beatles song, “All You Need Is Love” is actually dead wrong in my opinion. Yes, love needs to exist within a marriage but something more is also needed. Women communicate in a way to connect and receive love. In turn, many times you try to talk to us in the same way and if you haven’t noticed, it isn’t working. The genders are very different physiologically, emotionally, and mentally.
One child hadn’t quite learned the difference between male and female when his father decided to take him to look at some baby kittens. When the child got home he said to his mother, “There were two male kittens and two female kittens.” She was slightly surprised and asked him, “How could you tell?” “Well,” He said, “Dad picked them up and looked on the bottom. They must have a label on their bottom that tells you.” Well, He is very close. We have some major differences in how we function, work, and what builds us up verses what tears us down.
I know ladies that you try very hard to show your children and your spouses love and that is very important but I want you to latch on to the last part of the verse. Ephesians 5:33 says, “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” This verse never questions women’s ability to love but it does challenge you to respect your husband as you respect your God. Just as God unconditionally loves you he calls you to respect your husband. 1 Peter 3:1-2 speak about the issue of respect as well. “In the same way, you wives be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” Your behavior could bring your husband to Christ. Amazing! God designed the system in such a way that your respect will have incredible effects on your spouse. How you react and treat your husband can change their world.
If being obedient to God and the chance of helping your husband and maybe even bringing him to Christ don’t convince you to show him respect then I challenge you to think about it in one more way. One day when your child gets married, if it is your son, you will want your daughter in law to love and respect him. You will want him to be treated like a prince. She shouldn’t yell and scream at him and she shouldn’t treat him second rate, right? I remember some of the proceedings before Amy and I got married. Her father forbid us from getting married and forced her to send me an email saying she wouldn’t marry me. Well, this devastated me of course even though I knew something was fishy. My mother hated Amy because she broke my heart. It took me forever to get my mom to realize it wasn’t Amy’s fault. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t protect your little boy. Now, would you have your little boy treated like you treat your husband? Let’s make sure you would by reviewing 6 tools to help you better respect your husband (and set a better example for your daughters).
Conquest – Appreciate his Desire to Achieve – Genesis 2:15
“Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it.”
Male beings were created with the aptitude to work, achieve, and challenge the world. Man himself was set to work from the day he was made. Adam began working in the perfect garden by keeping it clean, keeping the ground fertile, trimming the trees and pruning the bushes. Man’s first job was almost like a zookeeper actually. In verse 20, Adam sits down and begins naming all the animals in the garden. Unfortunately, when Adam had finished working with the animals he still hadn’t found a suitable helper. So, after giving Adam a full-time job of grounds keeper as well as zookeeper, He thought to give Adam someone to help him in his work. God then put Adam to sleep and created Eve from Adam’s rib. He created her and called her Adam’s “helpmeet” or helper. From the very beginning Adam had to work. Men seem to have this innate desire to achieve. Men are generally very goal oriented while most women are people-oriented. Men want to get things done; women want to enjoy each others company. Adam was created and set to work while Eve was created and set at man’s side to help.
Man’s desire for conquest is not to be misunderstood as his right to dominate women. There is a poem out there, one which Lenore put in the bulletin recently, which speaks of Eve’s creation. It says, “She wasn’t taken from his feet to be trampled on or from his head to be over him but from his side to stand beside him.” The conquest of women was a barbaric act and not created by God. Women also desire to achieve in some ways but honestly, man has been set to work and care for his family since the day he was born. Jeff Foxworthy once said, “Women have the freedom to choose a career or a family. A man has the choice of a career or a jail cell.”
Ladies, I am not asking you to understand our desire to achieve, to work, or even to build random things in the garage. Yes, I know that it is sometimes strange why men would want to rebuild a junker or even why we find woodworking so fascinating. Yes, we are very much a blue world and your pink world doesn’t communicate well here. You can’t kick and scream about the aches of your heart, especially in the realm of finances, without injuring your husband unless you are very careful. If you scream in pink by saying anything about a lack of money, you will hurt your husband. However, if you approach with an open heart and respect how hard your husband works, you will build him up and you might even find the security you are looking for in the financial realm. Listen to me for a second. On my list of high priorities, working for my family is in the top 4. Actually, it pretty much fits as number 2. My blue way of showing my wife love is by working hard so that she has a decent income. Sometimes I have failed and she has had to work too. I hated it and it made me feel horrible. Every day, at 4 a.m., Amy would get ready for work and I would cringe knowing she had to work at Hardees to keep us afloat. I hated it but I had to sleep because I had class and had to work until 10 or 11 at night. So by the time I was getting home she was either already asleep or getting ready. You have no idea how important providing for our families is to us and when you criticize our ability to work and provide, you destroy us from the inside. We need you to admire our desire to work for you. We need you as a cheerleader. Amy never once held it over my head but if she did I guarantee you that I would be in bad shape now.
Hierarchy – Appreciate his Desire to Provide and Protect – Eph. 5:25-27
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also love the church and gave himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.”
Husbands have a great desire to protect their loved ones. The Biblical reference and definition of hierarchy comes from Ephesians 5:22-24. “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.” Before you get upset at what appears to be a chauvinistic view of women, listen to an explanation of the verse. The word for “subject” is the Greek word Hypotasso. The word means to rank under, like a military outfit. “God is not giving husbands some carte blanche label of “superior”; He is giving husbands a tremendous responsibility, as Paul clearly points out in the next few verses.” Man has not been given a right to dominate you but have been given a great responsibility in caring for you. He has been set to protect you as your husband from anyone and anything that would attack you.
A story is told about how early Indians taught their children to trust. After the children had learned all their basic skills of hunting, fishing, and fire, they would send their children blindfolded into a deep and thick forest. The child would be released into the darkness of night and take off the blind fold to find that he could see little or nothing. Every time he would hear a branch crackle or the sound of wild animals he feared he soon would become dinner. Soon after a night of shear terror, the sun began to rise and the young man began to see the trees and beautiful flowers around him. As the young man would look around he would see an ominous looking figure behind a tree no more than twenty feet away. It was his father armed with a bow and arrow. He had been there to protect his little boy all night long.
They say mothers protecting their children are to be feared but a good father is a force to be reckoned with. Why else would so many men volunteer to go and get themselves killed in a war? Why are almost all of the life insurance policies bought and kept by men? Men want to be sure their spouses are taken care of. Hierarchy means placing yourself under his protection. I again am not asking you to understand it. I am asking your to appreciate his desire to provide and protect you. Honestly, a good willed man will want to protect his wife and I believe security is something every woman wants for her family, both financially and physically. “Men are more vulnerable to criticism when it is related to “headship” issues.” Being critical during an argument over finances his providence for the family and you will slowly and surely destroy your family and your husband. Remember, how do you want your son to be treated by his future wife?
Authority – Appreciate his Desire to Serve and Lead – Eph. 5:22-24
“Wives be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.”
Everyone wants to feel important, needed, and that their interests are in the mind of others. In many ways, that is a great responsibility for men to take on because keeping the thoughts of women in their brains almost breaks them. Most women seem to fear the idea of their husband commandeering the leader position in the home and then abusing his position in the family. If he takes over, he won’t listen to her and will totally disregard her importance and information. Christ himself keeps the interests of his beloved church by his heart at all times. He hears our prayers and our hearts desires and even though he may not give us what we want, he still hears what we have to say. Christ acts as our mediator to God and transmits our prayers to God. Christ acted as our sacrifice for our sins. Christ did and does many things for us and in turn he is also the head of the church. He leads and guides her.
If you ever feel that your husband has no input or that your input always trumps his, you have a problem to face. Regardless of what you think of your husband, God has set him as the leader of the home. Maybe you feel he is incompetent and couldn’t lead properly. Have you let him speak freely without criticizing him and proposing your better alternative? You as ladies want your husbands to listen to your heart and work in your best interest right? Have you done the same for him? When the scripture says to be subject in everything, it means giving him preference in the decision making department. Husbands have a massive amount of responsibility in looking after and caring for their families and unfortunately more than one has failed at living up to the task at hand. You may feel your husband has failed and therefore doesn’t deserve respect but God tells you to respect your husband anyway. To do that you must appreciate his desire to lead and in leading he will serve some of your needs.
Try this: “Go on record with your husband that you see him as having 51 percent of the responsibility and, therefore, 51 percent of the authority.” The reason why men have so much authority in the home is because God gave us a massive amount of responsibility in the home. We are responsible for the financial, physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual well being of our wives and children. That’s a massive amount of responsibility. Too many times we fail and soon women ridicule men for being stupid oafs and nincompoops. I have overheard more than one group of females call men dumb animals and talk about men behind their backs. You would never want your husbands to joke with his buddies about his wife; don’t be a hypocrite and do it to your husband. Your husband has massive responsibility; you can at least respect him for trying to take that almost impossible task on. You still have a large amount of responsibility and authority in the home but the husband according to God has more. Respect your husband by appreciating his desire to lead and serve.
Insight – Appreciate his Desire to analyze and give Counsel – Proverbs 3:7
“Don’t be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil.”
I want you to listen to a story told in the book by Dr. Eggerichs. “She had little or no respect for her husband. Behind his back she constantly put him down, mocking him and making fun of his ideas and opinions. One day while shopping, she thought it would be interesting to stop at his office just to see where–and how–he worked. She called him on her cell phone and he said, “Well, sure. I’m a little busy, but come on up.” When she got there, he was indeed busy, and she had to wait a few minutes as he dealt with various people. From where she sat, she couldn’t help but see that her husband’s coworkers gave him high respect. So did his boss-and his attractive young secretary. Then an older man came to her husband’s desk, obviously someone who was more experienced with the company but who still worked under him. She didn’t exactly know why, but her stomach churned a little when she heard the older man say to her husband, “Yes, sir.” Then his secretary came by to give him some papers, and she felt shame-and a little fear-as she saw how this classy young woman looked up to her husband and admired him.” She finally visited with her husband and realized that she had failed to respect him. He had a lot of insight and wisdom to share as well as a lot of respect at work that he wasn’t getting at home. The verse from proverbs sums up this point very well. No one knows everything and everyone can have some insight that you do not.
I know that you take care of many things including the house and the children probably much more often than we do at some points. I am sorry but we also have to earn a living as well. Neither one of you is right all the time. To be very honest, the respect he probably gets from others, he expects in his own home by his own beloved wife. When you two first dated and did all the cutesy things couples do, he shared with you his dreams and aspirations which made your heart soar and you supported and loved him which made him feel like he could take on the entire world and everyone in it. You made him feel on top of the world and somewhere along the lines, which ended just like him telling you everything in his heart. Somewhere along the lines of dishes, children, and maybe even working yourself the idea that you loved and admired that precious hunk may have died. Soon enough he felt the lack of support and respect and shut himself off even more from you and because of that you feel unloved. Someone has to stop the cycle. Maybe you have the chance by respecting his ideals and the wisdom he may have obtained over the years. Respect your husbands by appreciating his desire to analyze situations and give advice and wisdom.
Relationship – Appreciate his Desire for Side-by-side Friendship – Gen. 2:18
“It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”
God created man and once Adam had named the animals God decided Adam needed a suitable helper. God then created Eve and set her beside Adam in the garden to help him cultivate and keep it. God never calls man a bad or worthless creation; actually up to this point God called everything he created good. He created man and called him good but thought it best to give man a suitable helper; someone to help balance him just as God is a perfect balance of power and love. Someone told me recently that Man was made in the image of God’s strength and women was made in the image of God’s love. Although there is no Biblical pretext, this seems to make a great deal of sense. God created men and women to be a part of a relationship.
The problem here is that pink and blue don’t see the idea of relationship and relationship building the same way. Men and women share experience differently in most cases. I’ve used it before but if you put two chairs in a room and send two women in they will generally turn the chairs to face each other and begin talking. They converse about the room and the rules they were given. If you do this with two men, they will most likely sit there and just look at each other and nod. If your husband calls you over to sit with him or do something with him you may immediately think that this is your chance to talk to him but not in his world. In your world, the only reason to get that close is to connect and get close but to him he is being a friend. He just wants you to sit and enjoy yourself with him. You may not understand it but men bond differently than women. Men bond by spending time together. Why do you think it is so important for dad and son to spend time together? That’s their bonding time. The next time he wants to spend time with you, just sit with him and love him. Don’t try to talk his ear off. Yes, I know he may not give you the chance to talk to him about your heart’s desires but stealing that chance from his chance to have a friend will cause more problems. You wanna know why he needs guy time? Because he needs buddy/friend time. Respecting your husband means appreciating his need for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship. Just sit with him.
Sexuality – Appreciate his Desire for Physical Intimacy – 1 Cor. 7:2-5
“But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to the husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Finally, we will talk about his need for physical intimacy. I think these verses say enough about the subject due to the audience we have today. We have children so I will say very little on this subject except that God commanded husband and wife to be together. Unless you have both agreed to separate for the sake of prayer, then you had both be together. The husband belongs to his wife and the wife to her husband. Neither of you has an excuse to withhold what the other needs. You are responsible directly to God for your physical activities with your spouse. You may not like this but this is the Word of God and it is right. The number one reason men and women cheat on their spouse is because of not being with their spouse on a regular basis. Just thought I would inform you. This one honestly is for both sexes. Men need physical intimacy and women need emotional intimacy. Guys if you provide for her need for emotional intimacy and closeness, she will be much more likely to fulfill your need. Ladies, if you fulfill your husbands need for physical intimacy you will be much more likely to fulfill your own need. I know both sexes use the system. Sorry. I wish it wasn’t so. Respecting your husband means appreciating his desire for physical intimacy.
The acronym spells “C-H-A-I-R-S.” Men were set to head up the family and “chair” the relationship. God designed it that way. At one point in your lives together, probably during dating, you made your husband feel like he could accomplish anything with you by his side. He was on top of the world with you as his cheerleader. You admired him and that made him feel strong and powerful. What happened? Kids, a house, and time took its toll at some point. Maybe you feel your husband isn’t what you wanted and that makes you try to push him into your mold. Now is the time to correct this view and go back to admiring the man you love and letting him know it. Learn how to better respect your husband. Appreciate his desire for providing for you and protecting you. A good-willed man wants to lead and help his spouse. If you don’t believe me, try something for me. Write him a letter telling him you respect him and the reasons why. Maybe its something as simple as “because you go to work every day for me” or “because you mow the lawn for me.” Pick something, anything and let him know you respect him. See what happens, it may be something he has been waiting for for a very long time.
