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There is an old English Idiom: the elephant in the room. It refers to an obvious truth that everyone ignores. Or it is something that everybody is thinking about but nobody is talking about. I think all of us have experienced the elephant in the room phenomenon in different ways.
I had a meal with someone last week and they had a piece of food that missed their mouth and landed on their chin. As it dangled there, I was faced with the $64,000 question: do I ignore it or mention it? And I ignored it because it was easier and less embarrassing. We do with a lot of elephant issues.
I think the elephant phenomenon happens in a lot of families. Over the years I’ve had a counseling conversation that comes up often enough to know that it’s a common occurrence. Someone grows up in an abusive family—physical or emotional or sexual. And no one talks about it. And it’s not until someone is old enough or distant enough from their family system to be able to even identify the elephant that lived in their house. And usually it happens when someone is getting married or someone is going home for the holidays, and they come and see me because they don’t know how to confront the elephant. It’s a lot easier to ignore it than to confront it.
I also think all of us have personal elephants—things about us that everyone else sees, but either we don’t see it or we ignore it and there isn’t anybody in our life who loves us enough to confront the elephant. I’ve known drug addicts and alcoholics who have somehow managed to keep their addiction a secret their entire life. But there is an elephant in the closet that consumes their life. And they discover that ignorance is not bliss. The only way to get better is to confront the elephant.
Church Elephants
In the same sense, I think the church has issues that it tends to ignore. And this series is about identifying some of those church elephants. I can’t possibly answer every question or confront every issue. And I’m sure I’m going to step on some toes and say some things you won’t agree with. But I just feel like there are some five-ton elephants in the church and we aren’t doing anybody any favors if we don’t talk about it.
Let me put it this way. I think one of the toughest things about parenting is having the sex talk with your kids. It’s tough to talk about because it is such an intimate issue. And you feel weird naming parts of the physical anatomy that don’t typically come up in normal conversation! It’s tough. It’s awkward. It’s hard. But here is the deal: you can’t not have the talk!
So you swallow hard. You pray for wisdom. And you have an open and honest conversation about it.
That is how I feel about this series. There is a little bit of fear and trepidation. I’m not even sure where we’ll end up. I’m pretty sure we’ll talk about gray elephants, fake elephants, circus elephants, and sexy elephants. But we may encounter some other elephants on the way. All I know is this: we need to stop answering questions no one is asking. We need to have the tough conversations about tough topics.
And here is what I’ve learned about “the talk.” It’s not a one-time talk. And it can’t be a monologue. It’s got to be an ongoing dialogue. I don’t want this series to come across as the final word or thus saith the Lord. To me, it’s the beginning of an open and honest dialogue about tough issues. So here we go.
The Gray Elephant
What I want to do this week is talk about the gray elephant. What I mean by that is this. The Bible is black and white on lots of issues. But there are also lots of gray issues or in the words of Romans 14:1—disputable matters. And how we handle the gray issues is one of the elephants in the church.
Paul is writing to the Romans and they are having some issues about what they can eat and cannot eat. In this context, the controversy involved food sacrificed to idols. And the issue was to eat or not to eat. And Paul shares some priceless principles in Romans 14 that have universal application.
Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters.
I think we make one of two mistakes when it comes to gray issues. The first mistake is turning something that is black and white—Scripture is explicit about it—into a gray area. And we end up approving of something God disapproves of. To that person, Paul says:
Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves.
Not long ago I officiated a wedding in a church that had a plaque hanging on the wall that said they ordain homosexual clergy. It was a very visible legitimization of homosexuality. And I’ll give you my take on that in a minute.
Let me say upfront that I don’t want to single out any sin during this series. In fact, I think heterosexual sin is more acceptable in most church circles than homosexual sin. And that is wrong! Sexual sin is sexual sin. And we’ve got to be honest enough to admit that we tend to condemn sins we’re not committing. I call them lighting rod sins. We single out sins we don’t struggle with and we channel our condemnation towards them. So if I’m greedy I have a problem with gluttons or if I’m gluttonous I have a problem with greed. It’s disingenuous. And the truth of the matter is this—God hates moral pride more than homosexuality or adultery or pornography.
Having said that let me say this: we live in a society where it is wrong to say something is wrong. And that’s wrong. And we need the moral courage to tactfully, thoughtfully, and gracefully speak the truth in love. We ought to be more concerned about being biblically correct than politically correct. So here is the biblical bottom line: sex outside of marriage is wrong. Sex is a sacred covenant between a husband and a wife. Period.
So when a church hangs a plaque endorsing homosexuality it’s a gray elephant. It is approving of something God disapproves of. And while it may seem loving and accepting to some, it is approving of something God disapproves of. And that is neither loving nor honest.
Now let me flip the coin.
The Alcohol Issue
The other mistake we make is turning gray issues into black-and-white issues. It’s called legalism. We go beyond God’s law and add our own manmade rules. And we end up making it harder and harder for people to come to Christ. They have to get through all of our loopholes first!
The Bible is full of gray areas. And it is in those areas that we have to rely on our God-given conscience to guide us. And alcohol may be exhibit A. So let me share some principles that will help us navigate this gray area as well as others.
Some of you grew up in families where Christians don’t drink. Some of you grew up in families where Christians do drink. And your background will largely influence how you hear what I’m about to say. Some of you are shocked that I’m even talking about the issue because to you it’s a non-issue. And some of you will be shocked by what the Bible actually has to say about alcohol.
Let me give a little back story first. Alcohol has had an interesting history in the church. For what it’s worth, on their journey to Plymouth Rock, the pilgrims loaded more beer onto the Mayflower than water. Pastor John Calvin, one of the most influential theological thinkers in Christian history, got a salary package that included 250 gallons of wine per year. I just want you to know that our stewardship team didn’t approve that for me. They drew the line at Mike’s Hard Lemonade! And in case you care, Martin Luther’s wife was a skilled brewer which may be the real reason he married her!
Now let me zoom out. Over the years, I think some of the abuses of alcohol became more pronounced and a prohibition movement started to speak out against some of the evil effects of alcohol. And rightly so! But what does the Bible really say about drinking and drunkenness?
Here are a few guiding principles.
#1 Drunkenness is a sin
Scripture is black and white on the issue of drunkenness. It is wrong in and of itself. And it leads to a litany of other sins. Let me say it like it is: nothing good comes from drunkenness. Nothing!
A few weeks ago, Parker and I were out walking our dog, Mickey, late at night. As we turned the corner, I noticed a guy peeing on the sidewalk who was obviously drunk. I found it rather ironic that our dog was also peeing on the sidewalk! I was tempted to turn around and avoid the situation because of Parker. But I thought it’d be a good lesson: I told Parker that when you get drunk you do things and say things that are stupid!
The Bible is explicit in Ephesians 5:18:
Do not be drunk with wine.
#2 Drinking is not a sin
Don’t get me wrong. I think drinking, in and of itself, can be sinful if it’s done for the wrong reasons. Some of those reasons are drinking to forget, drinking to drown your sorrows, drinking to fit in, and drinking to escape emotionally. Alcohol is the wrong way to deal with all of the above!
But that doesn’t change the fact that Scripture does not prohibit drinking. In fact, Jesus turned water into wine. And Paul could have forbidden drinking altogether when he was establishing qualification for elders. But, instead, he forbade drunkenness in Titus 1:7.
I think wine is a lot like sex. It is a gift from God. But like all of His gifts, it can be used, misused, or abused. And nothing is more dangerous than the abuse of sex and alcohol. But that doesn’t negate the fact that they are gifts from God. We tend to overlook verses like Psalm 104:14-15.
He makes grass grow for the cattle, and plants for man to cultivate--bringing forth food from the earth: wine that gladdens the heart of man, oil to make his face shine, and bread that sustains his heart.
#3 Don’t be a stumbling block to others
One of the key guiding principles in Romans 14 is verse 13:
Make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way.
We tend to make decisions based on how they affect us, but Paul adds another dimension to the decision-making process. We have to consider how our actions affect others.
I learned this lesson as an eight year-old kid. I remember my parents going out to dinner with new friends who were new believers. My parents ordered a glass of wine only to discover their new friend was an alcoholic. It was an innocent mistake. But we have to consider how our actions might help or hinder others in their spiritual development.
In the words of Paul in verses 19-21:
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall.
#4 Let your conscience be your guide
When it comes to alcohol, I think abstinence can actually be a cop out. Again, don’t take that the wrong way. In many instances, abstinence is the best policy. And I honor and respect the decision not to drink! More people ought to make that decision. But it needs to be for the right reason. And the right reason isn’t because the Bible says it’s wrong. It doesn’t. The right reason is simply coming to a thoughtful and prayerful personal conviction. I think that is what Paul hints at in Romans 14:5.
Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.
I think sometimes we encourage abstinence from alcohol because we don’t trust people or we don’t trust the Holy Spirit. And we under-appreciate and overlook the fact that God created us with a conscience. The conscience is a moral compass that helps us navigate those gray areas where the Bible isn’t black and white. Legalism retards the development of the conscience. Legalism is an attempt to control behavior instead of training the conscience to discern between right and wrong.
As a parent, I can try to control my kids but eventually they will leave home and legalism typically causes rebellion. Or I can try to train my children’s conscience so they will do what is right even when I’m not there!
Some issues are not matters of right and wrong. They are personal convictions. And the bottom line is this: the decision not to drink is a personal conviction not a biblical mandate. And when we confuse the alcohol issue, we discolor what Scripture has to say. And we begin legislating morality for one another. And eventually we can’t see the forest through the trees.
I love the way Paul refocuses on the big idea in Romans 14:17:
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.
The problem with legalism is that it is mind-less and heart-less. Instead of teaching people how to think we tell them what to think. So many people know what they believe but they don’t know why they believe what they believe. They settle for easy answers and end up with shallow convictions. Our faith has to go through a process of internalization. Outside-in religion is short-lived. But inside-out transformation lasts forever!
The bottom line is this: God-fearing and God-loving people will disagree on certain issues until Jesus returns. But can we agree to disagree? Can we love each other despite our differences? Maybe the gray areas are the very places where we can learn to love each other.
About four hundred years ago, a German theologian named Rupertus Meldenius, was frustrated with the infighting and backbiting in the church. And he said something so profound that it has passed the test of time. In fact, it is the preface to our statement of belief at National Community Church.
In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.
God help us!
