The Foundation of the Home
Matthew 7:24-29
One of the greatest masterpieces of human engineering is the Golden Gate Bridge. That is not my own assessment because I have never been privileged to see it. It is the opinion of those more knowledgeable than myself... architects, engineers, mathematician, physicists, etc. In fact, one knowledgeable scientist, Earl Palmer wrote a book, "The Enormous Exception", in which he wrote, "It is built to sway (up and down 10 feet and from side to side 22 feet} at the center of its one-mile suspension span. The secret to its durability is its flexibility that enables this sway, but that is not all. By design, every part of the bridge- its concrete roadway, its steel railings, its cross beams, -is inevitably related from one welded joint to the other up through the vast cable system to two great towers and two great land anchors. The towers bear most of the weight, and they are deeply imbedded into the rock foundation beneath the sea. In other words, the bridge is totally preoccupied with its foundation. This is the secret! Flexibility and foundation."
I believe that if any two words define the secret to the duration of the family it is these... FLEXIBILITY AND FOUNDATION.
FLEXIBILITY
We live in a changing world... things are not like they were when our parents grew up.
We can not hold onto the way of the 50’s… when women stayed home to raise kids, kids said "yes maam" and "no maam", divorce was seldom heard of, children respected teachers, fathers were respected and admired, drugs and shootings only happened somewhere else, the church was the center of the community and the place for social gatherings.
As much as I believe that was a better environment for raising kids and building homes.... we can never go back to it.
The future, in many ways, looks very bleak.... the average child loses his/her virginity at 13, 6 of 10 marriages ends in divorce, 6 of 10 families is headed by single female, blended families is becoming the norm, the average person will be married multiple times, 3 or 4 out of 10 attends church, youth suicides are skyrocketing, fewer and fewer women can stay home to raise kids even if they desire to, kids are being raised by third parties.{strangers}, drugs on the increase, youth crime, even violent crime, is skyrocketing; 2 or 3 marriages in 10 is "HAPPY", Christianity is belittled and berated by the media, kids learn about sex, love, masculinity, femininity, morality, form television, movies and music.
Oh, that we could return to the 40’s and 5o’s... BUT WE CAN’T.
The family situation, the society situation, the moral fabric of our nation are all changing.
If the family is to avoid extinction, to continue to exist it must be FLEXIBLE.
It must find ways to adapt to the changes without compromising what is important.
It must find new ways to respond to the new temptations, fads, and other outside influences.
And I believe it can... the family is, perhaps, the most resilient and adaptable of all institutions. It has outlasted them all.
FOUNDATIONS
The other thing that the family will need to adapt and endure is... FOUNDATION...
those bedrock principles that endure despite the societal and governmental changes.
The tenants that regardless or race, religion, economics, or ethnicity... are the same and must be what the home is built on.
The house can be built in many shapes... FLEXIBILITY... but the foundation is the same...
Dr. Nick Stinnett, in his book, Six Qualities That Make a Family Strong, gave, I believe, 4 of those bedrock principles, foundation stones for building a home.
1. COMMITMENT
When the explorer, Cortez , landed in Mexico with his 500 men, he did a wise thing., he burned the ships. His men realized that they must be committed to staying and to succeeding here because there was no turning back.
Families have to have that type of commitment… no holding back, no turning back. Marriage has become a sort of temporary thing, if it doesn’t work out we’ll just walk away. Marriages like that don’t work things out.
One day Donna and I were discussing a couple who was getting a divorce. Bethany was in the room but I didn’t know she was listening. Later she asked me, "You won’t ever divorce Mama, will you?" I had to stop what I was doing, bend down to her level, hold her hands, look her in the eye and say a definite, reassuring "NO!"
Kids fear divorce. They want and need family, the whole family... mom and dad.
Kids do better in school better at sports, better in life when they have that anchor… the security of FAMILY.
Look back to the sixties, when family life seemed to start coming apart at the seams. Yes there were drugs and rebellion, and many other bad things; but the one that most affected the family and society was DIVORCE.
It became OK then and has exploded since.
I think most of the problems of society today can be blamed on two things… the divorce rate and the drift from church.
Charles Stanley tells of a black cook who worked where the Charles’s parents took him for vacation. One day he told Charles, "The hardest thing about life is that it’s so daily."
That is the hardest thing about marriage is... it’s so daily.
Every day calls for commitment and sacrifice.
Every day getting up, going to the same old job, paying the same old bills, struggling to make ends meet, the kids mind, and the marriage work.
It is often more like a rut or routine than we want to bear.
We long for the free life, no rules, no responsibilities, doing for self. And in a world of quick divorces... it seems like the perfect quick fix.
But often the cure is worse than the disease… at least for the kids who are robbed of a parent, robbed of the anchor... robbed of that SECURITY.
2. COMMUNICATION
What is communication? It IS NOT talking “at” someone.
It is not screaming at them.
Yes kids need to be told when they do wrong… but they also need to hear when they do well.
We communicate in many ways... some verbal… words, tone, inflection, rate.
But we communicate in non-verbal ways too... facial expressions, eyes, body movements, posture.
I remember as a child that my mother could speak volumes without opening her mouth. I could tell if she was upset with me from a block away. Hands on hips, head tilted to the left, eyes staring a hole in me.
Or I could be somewhere and catch her eyes across a room and she could say, "Sit down" or "Quiet down" and no one else heard her, but I heard it loud and clear. I can’t do that with my kids.
Communication is so important because it is TIME, it takes TIME.
To a kid, Love is spelled T-I-M-E
Communication is important because it is sharing a part of yourself, your heart, and allowing the other person to do the same.
Communication is TWO-WAY... not lecturing, not scolding, not giving advice and not giving commands.
Our kids need us to communicate what is important to them.
We must let them express their feelings, their worries, their hurts, their fears, their hopes and dreams.
It may be just letting them explain a drawing or tell you about some thing they would like to do... even though it is childish and silly. And getting into the dream with them, not telling them it is silly.
Communicating might be letting them sit in your lap to watch T.V. or tickling them and horsing around with them.
It all says, "I like you, I like to be with you."
3. AFFIRMATION
Communication is done best through... AFFIRMATION and ENCOURAGEMENT
What our children need to hear is that they are somebody special, precious, valued and loved.
Everyone messes up from time to time…
They don’t need to have their noses rubbed in it…
They need to have someone come up and put an arm around them and say… it is OK, I still value you.
It reminds me of a poem by Dorothy Nolte
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the
World
Children have a tendency to be mean and say mean things to each other.
Most have a tendency to believe they are not very bright, not very good at what they try.
They need a cheerleader to say, "Go Bethany!!!", "Go Reese!!!"
Shirley Wulfing wrote a poem called,
"EVERY CHILD NEEDS"
Every child needs in his or her life one or more adult persons Who will provide for him a kind of cheering section.
If he doesn’t have that, He may spend his whole life looking for it. Maybe he will find it, and maybe he won’t,
And there could be trouble.
Remember: we are determining their future by our affirmation.
4. SPIRITUAL COMMITMENT
WHY? What is so necessary about this one? Why do parents need to be committed spiritually?
Most people don’t understand the need for Spiritual Commitment.
They believe love and their commitment to their spouse and family is enough.
They wear the ring and the kids see that. They know their parents love each other.
But they are also smart enough to know that their friend’s parents loved each other and wore wedding rings too… but they got divorced.
Even kids know that a ring and love is not enough to hold a family together.
When they know that their parents are committed to something greater than a ring and more lasting than love…A COMMITMENT TO GOD… they are much more secure.
Most of you are familiar with the name Marsha Clark... the prosecutor in the O.J.Simpson trial. Maybe you are not aware that in the middle of this trial (or Debacle) Mrs. Clark filed for alimony. Her husband, Gordon, is quoted in U.S.A. Today as saying, "Until Christmas day in 1993, I thought I had a terrific romance with Marcia... {she} informs me that I was not intellectually stimulating enough for her and indicated she did not have much interest in continuing our marriage."
Not much interest in working it out.... with two small daughters at stake??? What that marriage needs is SPIRITUAL COMMITMENT... to the vows they took at the altar and to the person to whom they made those vows.
The cure for the divorce epidemic is SPIRITUAL COMMITMENT.
The cure for most of what ails America is SPIRITUAL COMMITMENT.
If the parents had spiritual commitment then they would not have affairs, they would be committed to the marriage and home, would raise their kids to have and value spiritual commitment, wouldn’t spend time in home running down the preacher or deacons, wouldn’t be absentee parents, would give a better picture of marriage...
Then their kids would grow up to value marriage, be committed to marriage because they were committed to the one to whom they made vows. Your grand kids will be raised in better homes. The church will stay strong and vital to minister to your kids. Your kids will grow up with internal strength that will stand against the new temptations of the times.
your spiritual commitment will make your marriage stronger... which will make your home stronger... which will make your kids more successful... which will make the society better... which will benefit your grand kids... etc.
It is the "Trickle down economics" of spirituality.
It reminds me of a song from long ago. I don’t remember the words but it went something like...
A little boy hears two men talking. They are discussing how Christianity is not real, just a figment of weak people’s imagination to help them deal with uncertainty and disaster.
To this, the little boy responds, "Please don’t tell my Daddy that Jesus isn’t real. See, he doesn’t drink anymore, and he doesn’t beat my Mama. He has a good job, and our home is so happy now. He quit doing those things when Jesus came into his life. And we are so happy to have our new Daddy, the daddy who is so different. Please don’t tell my Daddy that Jesus isn’t real."
A spiritual commitment... not fickle , half-hearted, fair-weather commitment... but REAL, life changing, 100% commitment to your Lord and the things of the spirit.... church, prayer, Bible, obedience, goodness.... that kind of spiritual commitment will be the mortar that holds commitment, time, communication, and affirmation together and makes the foundation for the home.
The greatest gift that a Mother or Father can ever give to their children is to give their own heart to the Lord.
The second greatest gift you can give your kids is a home built on the foundation of commitment to the family… time spent together… good communication… affirmation and spiritual commitment.
Her children will rise up and call her blessed, Honor your Mother and Father…
Time for “Praise of Mom”
