(based on a series by Darryl Dash)
SERIES: “DISCOVER FORGIVENESS: Finding Freedom Through Forgiveness”
TEXT: PHILEMON 1-25
TITLE: “FOUR VITAL PROCESSES IN FORGIVING OTHERS”
OPEN: A. Melvin Newland, a Christian church preacher in Texas tells about an incident he witnessed at a
restaurant:
There he stood, in the midst of the Golden Corral restaurant one Sunday afternoon with
Thousand Island dressing dripping from his hair, over his glasses, down his face, all over his
jacket, pants, and shoes. And I’m not talking about a little bit of Thousand Island dressing. I’m
talking about 2 gallons of it! What had happened was that a waitress carrying a 2-gallon container
of Thousand Island dressing for the salad bar had paused for just a second while coming through
the swinging doors of the kitchen, and the doors had caught her and knocked her forward,
launching 2 gallon of dressing all over this guy.
Well, he went ballistic! He started shouting and cursing at her. “You’re so stupid! I can’t
believe you could do such a stupid, stupid thing. This is a brand new suit and it coast me $300.”
His wife chimed in, “Yeah, you’ve ruined my husband’s $300 suit, and it’s the first time he’s had a
chance to wear it.” The man screamed, “I want to see the manager!”
Thoroughly shaken, the waitress went to get the manager. The manager came out of the back.
Now picture this – here’s a guy with 2 gallons of Thousand Island dressing dripping from him, and
the manager asks, “Is there a problem?”
the guy replies, “Is there a problem? She’s ruined my $300 suit. It’s brand new, and I want a
new suit to replace it!” The manger says, “We’ll be glad to get your suit cleaned. Accidents do
happen and we’re really sorry about this.” The man yells, “No! No1” I don’t want my suit
cleaned. I want a brand new suit, and I demand $300 right here and now!” To avoid a bigger
scene, the manager goes back into his office and brings out $300 and gives it to the irate customer.
And justice is served.
Tragically, this true story happened at noon on a Sunday, Now why would someone be wearing
a brand new suit on Sunday? Do you suppose he had bee to … the ball game? Do you suppose he
had been … working on his car? Do you suppose he had been to church?
B. Last Sunday morning, we began our series: “Discover Forgiveness: Finding Freedom Through
Forgiveness”
1. We looked at the starting point of forgiveness
--the cross of Christ
2. We studied Jesus’ parable about the Unforgiving Servant
--In that study we learned several basic things concerning forgiveness:
a. True forgiveness goes beyond any reasonable human limits
b. We have to understand how lavishly God has forgiven us
c. We have to forgive others as lavishly and completely as God has forgiven us
d. We also heard Jesus’ warning that if we do not forgive others, God will not forgive us
C. C.S. Lewis: “We all agree that forgiveness is a beautiful idea until we have to practice it.”
1. Our lesson of forgiveness this morning is not in parable or principle but in personal experience
2. We’re going to be looking at Paul’s letter to Philemon
--I’ve heard this letter called “the Postcard with a Punch”
a. It’s one of the letters that Paul wrote while he was imprisoned in Rome
--along with Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 & 2 Timothy, and Titus
b. It’s also one of the few “personal letters that is included in the new Testament
--written to a person named Philemon
D. Philemon 1-25 – “Paul, a prisoner of Christ Jesus, and Timothy our brother,
To Philemon our dear friend and fellow worker, to Apphia our sister, to Archippus our fellow
soldier and to the church that meets in your home: Grace to you and peace from God our Father
and the Lord Jesus Christ. I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, because I hear
about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints. I pray that you may be active in
sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ.
Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the
hearts of the saints. Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you
ought to do, yet I appeal to you on the basis of love. I then, as Paul—an old man and now also a
prisoner of Christ Jesus— I appeal to you for my son Onesimus, who became my son while I was
in chains. Formerly he was useless to you, but now he has become useful both to you and to me. I
am sending him—who is my very heart—back to you. I would have liked to keep him with me so
that he could take your place in helping me while I am in chains for the gospel. But I did not want
to do anything without your consent, so that any favor you do will be spontaneous and not forced.
Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back
for good— no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but
even dearer to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord. So if you consider me a partner,
welcome him as you would welcome me. If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything,
charge it to me. I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand. I will pay it back—not to mention that
you owe me your very self. I do wish, brother, that I may have some benefit from you in the Lord;
refresh my heart in Christ. Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do
even more than I ask. And one thing more: Prepare a guest room for me, because I hope to be
restored to you in answer to your prayers. Epaphras, my fellow prisoner in Christ Jesus, sends you
greetings. And so do Mark, Aristarchus, Demas and Luke, my fellow workers. The grace of the
Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.”
E. Three main characters we see mentioned in this letter
1. Philemon – a wealthy man and slave-owner
a. Lived in the town of Colossae
--this letter delivered to Philemon by Tychicus while delivering Paul’s letter to the church
b. Paul personally led Philemon to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ
c. Also discover that the church in Colossae met in Philemon’s house
--Obviously, he was a man of some means to own a house large enough for the church to
assemble in.
d. Paul speaks glowingly about Philemon and his family’s Christian witness and example
2. Onesimus – the runaway slave
a. Why did he run away?
--My speculation is that Onesimus was not a Christian but felt the heat of the Spirit’s call on
his own life while living in such a fine Christian home
b. Text also seems to indicate that Onesimus stole money from Philemon
c. He ran to the largest city in the Empire: Rome
1). A town of nearly a million people
2). Ran away from Colossae and Philemon’s household to get away from Jesus but ran smack
dab into Jesus’ greatest missionary – the apostle Paul
3. The apostle Paul
a. By the way, Paul had never been to the town of Colossae
b. Concerts from the church at Ephesus established the church at Colossae
F. It’s very difficult to forgive those who wrong us
--But Jesus tells us that we must forgive them
1. How do you forgive someone who abused you, cheated on you, swindled you , damaged your
reputation or damaged your health?
2. Although Paul never mentions the word “forgiveness” in this very short letter, he does present
four vital processes for forgiving other people
I. REVISE YOUR THINKING
A. When we begin to forgive another person, the first thing we need to deal with is our thought life
1. The reality of the matter is that the way we think determines the way we feel
2. If we’re going to change the way we feel about another person, we need to begin by changing the way
we think about them
B. This is the exact method that Paul uses when he writes to Philemon
--He wants to change Philemon’s thought processes about Onesimus
1. Paul tells Philemon that Onesimus should no longer be thought of as a runaway slave who stole money
and caused a lot of heartache and grief
2. Instead, Paul says it’s time for Philemon to recognize Onesimus as a new brother in Christ
--vs. 16, Paul encourages Philemon to think of Onesimus “no longer as a slave, but better than a slave,
as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a man and as a brother in the
Lord.”
3. Paul also tells Philemon that he should recognize God’s work in what has happened
--vs. 15 – “Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him
back for good…”
a. Philemon needs to understand that God has used something considered bad to bring about good and
bring glory to Himself
b. Gen. 50, Joseph’s brothers, who sold him into slavery for their evil purposes, have apologized to
Joseph
--Gen. 50:20 – “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now
being done, the saving of many lives.”
C. I find that when I’m faced with the need to forgive someone, the first battle I have to win is the battle
within my own mind
1. I have to be honest: There are some times when I don’t feel like forgiving someone
2. But I know Christ has commanded it and I have to do it
3. I’ve found that there is a very biblical procedure that will change your thinking about another person:
pray for them!
a. Honestly and sincerely seek their highest good
b. Mt. 5:43-48 – “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I
tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your
Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous
and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the
tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others?
Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”
c. You cannot hold bitterness and resentment against someone that you hold up in prayer before God
on a daily basis
4. If you’re going to forgive someone, you have to change how you think about them and the only way to
do that is to take a “God’s eye view” of them in prayer.
II. RECEIVE THE PERSON BACK
A. Restore the relationship
1. Philemon 17 – “So if you consider me a partner, welcome him as you would welcome me.”
2. The word translated as “welcome” literally means to accept them as part of one’s home or circle of
friends
B. How do you accept someone after they have wronged you?
1. You have to refuse to hold a grudge
--You have to refuse to hold onto those feelings of resentment and ill will
2. You’ve got to refuse to retaliate
a. According to Roman law, Philmon could have done a lot of different things to retaliate against
Onesimus for stealing from him and running away: branded him with an “F”; whipped him
severely; or even had him put to death
b. Mom ran into the bedroom when she heard her seven-year-old son scream. She found his two-
year-old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl’s grip and said, comfortingly to
her son, “There, thee. She didn’t mean it. She doesn’t know that pulling hair hurts.” He nodded
his acknowledgement, and she left the room.
As she started down the hall, the little girl screamed. Rushing back into the bedroom, she
asked, “What happened?” The little boy replied, “She knows now.”
c. Rom. 12:17-21 – “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of
everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take
revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will
repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give
him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be
overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
--refuse to hold a grudge, refuse to retaliate, and
3. You’ve got to extend full and complete forgiveness
a. Forgive them the same way God has forgiven you
b. Is. 43:25 – [God speaking] “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own
sake, and remember your sins no more.”
c. Micah 7:18-19 – “Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the
remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will
again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into
the depths of the sea.”
--Contemporary Christian group Audio Adrenaline sings a great song entitled Ocean Floor:
They’re all behind you
They’ll never find you
They’re on the ocean floor
Sins are forgotten
They’re on the bottom
They’re on the ocean floor
d. God never brings up past wrongs
1). That’s the Devil’s work
--he’s the “accuser” of the saints
2). If you’re listening to bad things about people in your mind, it’s not the voice of God
III. RESTORE THE DAMAGE
A. Damage is inevitable when someone wrongs you
1. Philemon 18-19 – “If he has done you any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me. I, Paul, am
writing this with my own hand. I will pay it back – not to mention that you owe me your very self.”
2. Imagine that!
--Paul gave a legally binding ledge that he would personally restore whatever Onesimus cost
Philemon
3. Even in the first century, it was foolishness to act as surety for someone else’s debts
--But Paul stepped right up to the plate
4. If we’re going to forgive and forget, let’s repair the damage so it’s never brought up again
B. True forgiveness honestly deals with the damages that have been done
1. True forgiveness doesn’t excuse sin
--We still have to face sin and our anger over the sin
2. David Garland, NIV Application Commentary on Philemon: “Forgiveness does not mean that we
ignore what happened. It means that we still relate to the person in spite of what happened and also
in light of what happened.”
3. Don’t get me wrong this morning
a. There are times such as physical or sexual abuse or theft that need to forgive but not immediately
offer our trust to that person
b. You can forgive a child abuser but you don’t turn around an place them in charge of the nursery
c. You can forgive a thief but you don’t make them the treasurer
d. You can forgive a spouse for cheating on you but the relationship has changed forever and you will
most likely have to change how you relate to one another
C. Let me deal with an important and often-asked question at this point: Do I have to forgive those who
aren’t sorrowful and don’t ask me to forgive them?
--You’re probably not going to like the answer but here is what the Bible says:
1. Lk. 23:34 – Many of you know this verse by heart. Jesus was dying on the cross and He looked
down at the people who were mocking Him and who had crucified Him and who had rejected Him
and He said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
a. A lot of those people went to their graves without ever acknowledging their sins and without ever
asking for forgiveness
--Yet, Jesus asked His Father to offer them forgiveness!
b. Follow me closely here
1). When Jesus died on the cross, he died for the sins of the WHOLE world.
--He died even for the sins of unrepentant sinners!
2). The problem is, they have refused and rejected that forgiveness
--but their lack of repentance didn’t stop Jesus from asking His Father to forgive them!
2. Still not convinced?
a. Lk. 6: 27-38 – “But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,
bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek,
turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.
Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. \
Do to others as you have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?
Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what
credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect
repayment, what credit is that to you? Even “sinners” lend to “sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in
full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything
back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to
the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge and you will
not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over,
will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measure to you.”
b. Who is it that Jesus says we’re supposed to do all these nice things to?
--Repentant friends or apologetic family? NO!! Our ENEMIES!
1). Can we safely assume that an “enemy is someone who is NOT sorry for hurting us and is NOT
about to ask for forgiveness?
2). Yet Jesus says to treat them in ways that sure sound to me like “total forgiveness”
--It doesn’t matter if that person remains an enemy and refuses to seek forgiveness
3). That condition has nothing to do with the miracle of forgiveness in your heat
--Our only job is to forgive, and leave that other person’s attitude in God’s hands
IV. RECEIVE THE HEALING
A. We don’t really know what happened between Philemon and Onesimus
--the Bible doesn’t tell us
1. However, church history records that a man named Onesimus became the preacher at the church in
Ephesus not very many years after these events
2. Was it the same Onesimus?
--I believe it was
3. If Philemon did indeed forgive Onesimus, the person who benefited the most was not the one
forgiven but the one who forgave
B. Unforgiveness produces four harmful things in the life of the person who refuses to forgive:
1. 1st harmful thing: It makes you a prisoner to your past
a. Keeps the pain alive
b. Keeps the wound open and never allows it to heal
c. You accumulate a larger and larger degree of hate
d. You fell as bas as ever or even worse
e.. But forgiveness opens the door and lets the prisoner out
2. 2nd harmful thing: Produces bitterness
a. Bitterness is not just a sin. It’s also an infection
--An infection that will eat away at your whole life
b. Bitterness will steal your joy and peace
--this process happens most notably in marriages
1). Men, realize something – you married a sinner
2). Even harder to comprehend than that is this – so did your wife
3). It’s an utter impossibility to never offend the other person
--It doesn’t happen just now and then but all the time
4). When there is forgiveness, though, an offense is just a moment in time that has come and gone
3. 3rd harmful thing: Gives Satan an open door
a. Eph. 4:26-27 – “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun god down while you are still angry,
and do not give the devil a foothold.”
b. 2 Cor. 2:10-11 – “If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven – if there
was anything to forgive – I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan
might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.”
4. 4th harmful thing: Hinders your relationship with God
a. Mt. 6:14-15 – “For if you forgive men when they sins against you, your heavenly Father will also
forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
b. Heb. 12:15 – “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to
cause trouble and defile many.”
C. According to a fairly recent issue of Time magazine, forgiveness has become the latest hot topic in the
research community
1. Several significant studies have been conducted at Hope College in Michigan, at the University of
Texas in Austin, and at Emory University in Atlanta
2. Not surprisingly, the studies found that unforgiveness is related to increased stress, poor job
performance, poor memory response and over the long-term , the subjective sense of loss of control.
3. Some researchers speculate that unforgiveness may result in a wide range of cardiovascular and
nervous system diseases
D. Gilbert Beers wrote this piece called Joy Is…
Error is the inevitable consequence of living.
Mutual error is the inevitable consequence of living together.
Argument or faultfidning is the defensive mechanism to preserve an ego in trouble
Confession is the sacrifice of ego on the altar of love.
Forgiveness is the balm of healing that soothes and heals the wounds of error
Joy is the fresh new path, stretching out before the forgiver and the forgiven
CLOSE: A. On New Year’s Day, 1929, Georgia Tech played UCLA in the Rose Bowl. In that game a
young man named Roy Riegels recovered a fumble for UCLA. Picking up the loose football, he
lost his direction and ran sixty-five yards toward the wrong goal line. One of his teammates, Beeny Lom, ran him down and tackled him just before he scored for the opposing team. Several
plays later, the Bruins had to punt. Tech blocked the kick and scored a saftety, demoralizing the
UCLA team.
The strange play came in the first half. At halftime, the UCLA players filed off the field and
into the dressing room. As others sat down on the benches and the floor, Riegels put a blanket
around his shoulders, sat down in a corner and put his face in his hands.
A football coach usually has a great deal to say to his team during halftime. That day, Coach
Price was quiet. No doubt he was trying to decide what to do with Riegels.
When the timekeeper came in and announced that there were three minutes before the start of
the second half, Coach priced looked at the team and said, “Men, the same team that played the
first half will start the second.” The players got up and started out, all but Riegels. He didn’t
budge. The coach looked back and called to him, “Roy, didn’t you hear me? The same team that
played the first half will start the second.”
Roy Riegels looked up, his cheeks wet with tears. “Coach,” he said, “I can’t do it. I’ve ruined
you. I’ve ruined the university’s reputation. I’ve ruined myself. I can’t face the crowd out there.”
Coach Price reached out, put his hand on Riegel’s shoulder, and said, “Roy, get up and go back.
The game is only half over.” Riegels finally did getup. He went onto the field, and the fans saw
him play hard and play well.
--All of us have run a long way in the wrong direction. Because of the forgiveness offered in
Jesus Christ, however, the game is only half over
B. God is a forgiving God
1. Ex. 34:6-7a describes God this way – “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and
gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to
thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.”
2. If God can do that for us, can’t we do it for others?
