Dakota Community Church
May 11, 2008
A Legacy of Love
What do you do with these Hallmark holidays?
It is mother’s day and so some of us will be going out to dinner or getting together at someone’s home to honor our mom’s. It is a special day for many that is looked forward to, a day for thanking and being thanked, a day of recognition and appreciation.
Over the years I have come to realize that not very many of us live in the “Leave it to Beaver” type world of perfect harmony and half hour problem solving that these special days often seem to insist upon.
Right here this morning, alongside those who are enjoying all the good things that this day represents, right here even in this tiny slice of the Body of Christ; there will be all sorts of emotional upheaval because of everything negative that this day forces to the surface.
Some will be feeling sadness because their mom’s are no longer here to celebrate with.
Some will be painfully aware of division and brokenness, of old wounds that seem slow to heal.
Still others will be wrestling with anger and maybe even rage over wrongs suffered and unacknowledged.
It is tempting for me as your pastor to just ignore the whole event and just say it is the invention of greeting card salesmen; in fact that’s exactly what I did the first few years I was in the ministry.
It’s tempting to fall back on old clichés where those for whom this is not a joyous occasion are concerned. To tell them to just “Suck it up” to say “Life is tough for all of us.” And to cheerfully point out that “We can’t do anything about the past.”
That isn’t entirely true though. While we can’t change the actual events of the past, we can change how they affect us now. We can allow the Spirit of God to bring healing and comfort and even peace into this fundamental part of life. We can even reach the place where life’s worst blows are turned into tools of ministry to help others who are suffering.
Each of us here this morning has received a legacy of some sort from our mother’s.
As you think about the legacy that has been passed on to you by your mother, how would you describe it?
Is your mom’s legacy one of faith, of hurt, of brokenness, of joy, of insecurity, of religion, of fear, of victimization, of judgmentalism; or of something else?
Now I want you to think about the legacy you are building and passing on. (If you are not a mom here this morning think of it in terms of how others who are close to you are being affected by your presence in their lives.)
I want to challenge each one here today and especially the mom’s to commit themselves to passing on a legacy of love. You can do a lot of great things with your life, but becoming a world class lover may be the greatest possible achievement anyone can strive for.
I am talking this morning about loving them for a lifetime.
I am talking about loving them in every stage of life.
Ephesians 5:1-2
Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Christian love is sacrificial love. We are to love as Christ loved, or you could say in the same way that Christ loved, giving himself up for us. That’s what Christians do and that’s what good mothers do.
I have decided to break this message down into three parts because I think these three phases of a child’s life require different things of mom’s and I have noticed that some mom’s do a great job in one phase of their children’s lives only to completely blow it in another phase.
As I grow older I must tell you that I see an ever expanding need for grace. As a younger man I felt I knew far more about what was right and what was wrong, what constituted good parenting and what constituted poor parenting. The truth is that different children have different needs and are guided effectively in different ways.
Being a mom requires walking with God, it requires prayerful decision making, and while books and tapes and preachers and grandparents may all offer helpful advice, you need to hear and follow your heart as it seeks to stay in tune with God’s heart. Sometimes you will have to graciously hear and not take the advice of someone screaming that their way is the only way.
Take the issue of education. At one time I would have said my way was the right way, all three of my sons went through the public school system. I don’t see it like that anymore. Some children will thrive and love the home school method; others will feel cheated by it. Some children do best in a Christian school setting surrounded by others of like faith and others will excel in the public system. I think the needs of each child are different to the point that all the children of one family may not be best served by the same form of education.
1. Loving your little children.
This is where the legacy of love takes root. This is the training stage of life. This when authority is established, either you are established as the authority in the home, or your child is.
This is when the foundation of faith is laid, or not, this is when many of the thought patterns that will govern your child’s life are set down.
How does a man treat a woman? What value do I have? Are my ideas and feelings important?
What really matters in life; sports, church, prayer, Bible reading, family, wine in the afternoon?
Even when you are not thinking you are training them – you are.
Proverbs 22:6
Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
By far this is the toughest phase; however, if you get this phase right all the others become easier. Sadly on the flip side if you neglect this phase, all the others become tougher.
These days we have something called quality time, can I just share a hard truth here? Quality time is a crock! You don’t sit down and immediately fall into quality conversation.
You won’t feel like doing a lot of the stuff that is required in the little children phase of parenting, that’s why so many people don’t do it.
This is not a “feel like it” God we serve, this is a “lay your life down in sacrificial love” God that we serve. So get to it before it is too late or you will find yourself in a really bad spot when it is time to start:
2. Loving your teenagers.
Many people have a hard time keeping the legacy of love on track through the teen years.
All too often the problem is a failure to understand that the teenager phase is not the training phase!
That ship has sailed!
How it pains me to watch many of you trying to do the training phase when your child is a teenager. Laying down ridiculous rules with outrageous punishments and trying to control every thought and action like they were still toddlers.
In the teenage phase the legacy of love is built by trustfully empowering.
This is the time to present choices and consequences, this is the time for reality discipline to really kick in (For example a speeding ticket is the punishment for speeding – they pay it, you don’t have to add anything to that, what happens when you get caught speeding?), and this is the time to offer advise, not to insist on things being done your way.
You have to transform from loving protector to loving guide.
I have seen two parental approaches to the teen years that never work:
A.) The permissive approach.
This is what could be called the “just throw love at it approach”.
In this case the parents try to be another buddy for their kids. They offer no guidance, no boundaries, and really they cease to be a parent altogeather.
Don’t abdicate your position as a parent; learn to be reasonable and loving. Talk about the consequences and traps that are out there, but don’t keep them locked safely in their rooms. Little by little over the teen years hand over control of their lives until at around 18 they are responsible adults ready to make a contribution.
Proverbs 23:13-14
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.
Now don’t hear that and think it is alright to beat your children. The rod here is talking about a shepherd’s rod. The shepherd did not beat the sheep, when a sheep got out of line, outside the established boundary, the shepherd lovingly used the rod to bring correction and save the life of the animal. It is about a loving correction, a gentle guidance, a life saving authority move, there is no violence being advocated here.
This brings me to the next non-working approach:
B.) The authoritarian approach.
If you are using the authoritarian approach you are headed for a world of hurt, even if it seems to be working now!
This is the approach that involves a lot of screaming and words such as; “BECAUSE I SAID SO, THAT”S WHY!”
These parents are forever demanding respect but never acting deserving of it. Incidentally respect cannot be demanded, it must be earned. You can force a behavior that looks like respect for a little while but respect comes from the heart and it is given not taken!
Ephesians 6:1-4
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Authoritarian moms and dads delight in quoting verses one to three, but those verses are not directed to them, verse four is their verse. If you go around quoting verse four instead of verses one to three, I guarantee all your teen parenting issues will evaporate.
Colossians 3:20-21 (Amp)
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord.
Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]
Same thing applies here, do you see what can happen if you focus on the wrong verse? Your children may become discouraged, sullen, morose, feeling inferior, and frustrated.
Could there be a more accurate definition of “teenager”? Are you making the connection? Are we tracking here?
YOU ARE NOT TO BREAK YOUR CHILD’S SPIRIT.
Yelling at your son for breaking one verse while doing so is breaking the very next verse is the sure fire formula for children that will eventually abandon the faith of their fathers.
Finally let’s look at the last phase:
3. Loving your adult children.
This is when the legacy of love really begins to pay dividends.
Your children take what they have received and begin to pass it on.
Some will pass it on to children of their own, some to partners and friends, some to everyone in their lives.
Now you would think that it would be impossible to mess up this phase, I mean, they are adults; all you have to do is stay out of the way! Sadly, many cannot!
Here is how it is supposed to be.
Proverbs 17:6
Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.
Proverbs 31:28
Her children arise and call her blessed
You are supposed to be the pride of your children.
If you continue the legacy they will recognize you as a blessing.
Why; because you will be a blessing.
Don’t try to run things, and don’t criticize everything they do. Offer advise when it is sought and be a woman of few words when it is not.
You don’t have to supply comedians with mother-in-law material.
Leave a legacy of love, start today!
PowerPoint available free of charge on request – dcormie@mts.net
