“Get In Line to Fix Your Marriage!”
Ephesians 5:21-33
Turn with me this morning to Ephesians 5, as we continue on in our study of the book of Ephesians. Remember this is a book written to Christians at Ephesus,
which was the capital of where?
(Asia Minor - modern day Turkey)
Paul writes to encourage them, reminding them in 1:3 that
they have been blessed in the heavenly realm with what?
(Every Spiritual Blessing)
He goes through the first three chapters telling us about what these blessings are:
•we are predestined for salvation
•we are redeemed, being forgiven of our sins
•we are identified and sealed, kept secure by the Holy Spirit
•Paul prays for the believers to experience the power of God at work in their lives
•Paul reminds them that Jews and Gentiles together have become one body, the church
In chapters 1-3 Paul gives us teaching, reminding us what is true. In chapters 4-6, he gives us application, reminding us what we DO with what we know to be true. He reminds us that as Christians we are to “measure up” to the standard of Christ in every area of our lives.
•We are called to Unity, as believers we are to work together for the good of the church.
•We are called to Purity, we have a new way of thinking about how we live our lives.
•And we are called to Harmony, we are called to have a new way of relating in our interpersonal relationships: both in our families and in our working relationships.
Today we look in Ephesians 5:21-33, and we see what God has to say to us about our marriages. I’ve titled this message “Get in line to fix your marriage” - because that’s the problem and that’s the answer. The problem is this: people everywhere are struggling with their marriages, getting in line to end their marriage.
Sociologists David Popenoe and Dr. Barbara Defoe Whitehead have researched and summarized their findings: "Key social indicators suggest a substantial weakening of the institution of marriage. Americans have become less likely to marry. When they do marry, their marriages are less happy. And married couples face a high likelihood of divorce."
Today, nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Among those identified as born-again Christians, 27% have previously been divorced.
I say that simply to make this point. Couples everywhere are struggling in their marriages. If you are struggling in your marriage, join the club. All couples struggle. It’s natural, because marriages are made with two sinful, selfish individuals. People are lining up everywhere to get out of marriages that make them unhappy. But the answer is simple. It’s not getting OUT of an unhappy marriage, but it’s putting our marriages in line with what God says they should look like. The answer is to line up with what God says our marriages should look like.
If you went in to the hospital for a knee replacement surgery -- like Berniece Fidler just did -- but instead of a knee, the doctor put in a new hip -- maybe he got a discount from the orthopedic parts supplier -- you would sue that doctor for malpractice! A quick phone call to 1-800-CALL-SAM and you’d be on your way to an easy settlement. A new hip - no matter how nice it is -- can’t be used to fix a deteriorating knee.
But that’s what we as a people are doing. We try to fix our hurting marriages by watching Oprah or Jerry Springer. We take the advice of thrice divorced “marriage consultants” who can’t even keep their own marriages in line. We read Redbook or Cosmopolitan and try to follow their erotic suggestions to put some sizzle back in our love lives. But that’s just like putting a hip socket in for a knee. Or more realistically, it’s like trying to put a spark plug from your car engine into your body. It just doesn’t work.
What we need is to understand God’s design for our marriages and follow that. After all, marriage was his idea in the first place. In Genesis 2, we see that Adam lived in what appeared to be a perfect world. But even in this perfect world, God knew that Adam was missing something. God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone, I will create a helper suitable for Him.” God wanted a helper suitable for Adam. Adam was a perfect man in a perfect world, but it was no good, because he was alone. God knew that Adam needed a helper. And so he made Eve. He brought them together and Genesis 2 says, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Marriage was God’s idea, God’s design, and so today we need to look at what God’s design is. To have HARMONY as Paul is teaching, we need to follow God’s design. Let’s read Ephesians 5 to see what it is.
READ Ephesians 5:21-33.
This is God’s design. Now let’s pray that God would help us to follow his design. Let’s pray!
As we look at God’s pattern for marriage, looking at these verses in context, we see that Paul is teaching us about the new lifestyle we have. No longer do we live according to the ways of the world, but we have changed our lifestyle.
•Remember, Right thinking brings what? (Right Action)
Paul has taught us in chapter 4 about the change of life we now live. In chapter 5 he reminds us of our motivation for godly living. We looked last week at the middle of the chapter which reminded us that living for God is the SPIRITUAL thing to do. We are to be filled with the Holy Spirit, with every area of our lives under His control, and one key evidence of that is our submission to one another.
This concept of submission is one which God reminds us through Paul is important for every believer. It’s the idea that in Christ we all to view each other better than ourselves. Humility is a key virtue for every believer. But Paul goes on to flesh out this idea. And he applies this concept of submission to a marriage.
Here in verse 22, Paul teaches that in the marriage, wives are to submit to the husband. Now, exactly what does this mean? Let me first explain what it does NOT mean.
•Submission does NOT mean that a husband is forceful or abusive or violent with his wife. Peter reminds us (1 Peter 3:7) Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect. The husband who is abusive or overbearing with his wife is a sinful man who needs to be confronted with his sin and who needs to repent. No husband is EVER given the right to abusive behavior.
The second thing submission is not.
•Submission does NOT mean that a husband is to demand his wife be submissive. Notice that this command is given to the wives. They are the ones who need to deal with the concept. The husbands have other issues they need to deal with. Husbands, your wives will never become submissive simply because YOU tell them they need to be. Submission is based on the attitude of the heart. So, just what is this thing called submission?
Submission is an orderly arrangement, whereby one places himself or herself under another. It was originally a military term referring to troops lining up in the army. It says nothing about the worth of another, but rather is all about function. It is the idea that someone needs to take the lead.
Yesterday the ladies went on a mystery trip. Patty, where did the ladies go? (______). There would have been complete chaos in the car yesterday if the ladies all got in the car, and they each wanted to give directions as to where to turn left. Dena might have said, turn right at the stop sign, Judy said turn left, and Pam said go straight. The car can only go one way at a time. It’s the same way in a marriage. Remember, the husband and wife are one, so they need to go together.
One of my favorite stories demonstrates the need for submission in marriage. A police officer was called to the scene of a big car wreck. It appears a family had been driving down the road, and there was a terrible crash. But the family was so shaken up, none of them could talk. The officer did notice though, that there was a little monkey by the side of the road, so he thought he’d try to communicate with it. He said, “Were you in the car?” and the monkey shook his head, “Mm-hm.” He said, “What was the dad doing when the wreck happened?” The monkey said “(act out drinking)” -- “Oh, drinking, huh!” --- “Mm-hm.”
“Well, how about the mom?” (Act out talking) - “Oh, talking!” “Mm-hm.”
“Well what about the boy and girl?” (act out fighting) - “Oh, fighting, huh?” “Mm-hm.”
“Well what were you doing?” (act out driving) - “Mm-hm-hm).
••The point of the story is this: God has designed for the husband to do the driving in the marriage, and when we plan for any other driver, or when the husband is under the influence of anyone other than the Holy Spirit, the marriage is in for a wreck! Submission does not mean a husband is wiser, or stronger, or more capable, or better looking, or any other area of superiority. It simply means that God’s design is that in the marriage the husband gets to drive. That’s God’s design. And if we want to have harmony in the home, we need to get in line with God’s design.
Some couples say, sounding so pious and spiritual, “In our home we both take turns leading. We love each other so much we wouldn’t want one of us to lead.” And the answer to that once again is “That is sinful, because that’s not God’s plan, that’s not God’s design, that’s not God’s will. It will lead your marriage to a wreck!”
So, the first point we learn about God’s design is this:
1. Wives are to arrange themselves under the leadership of their husbands.
But why? Yes, because
A. It is God’s design, but something more. . .
B. It is the wife’s way of honoring God. Verse 21 tells us it is reverence, respect, the fear of the Lord that leads us to a mutual submission. And in a marriage, a wife follows the lead of the husband because she wants to follow the Lord. Women, if you won’t arrange yourself under your husband, you will never follow Christ.
Does that mean that you need to do wrong if your husband is unsaved? No! Remember Acts 5:29 - “We must obey God rather than men!” Never allow yourself to follow a husband’s lead in sinning. But unless something is sinful or displeasing to God, seek to let your husband lead in the marriage.
Wives, you may know more about the Bible, and you may love Christ more - you may be more spiritual than your husband. But if you truly love Christ, you will get in line with his plan and let your husband lead in the marriage. So that brings us to the second part of God’s plan in the marriage.
2. Husbands are to lead their wives by loving them as they love themselves.
Why would God ever think to make a woman submit herself to the lead of her husband? Because God calls the husband to lead his wife by loving her as much as that husband loves himself. The truth is that most men love themselves pretty well. If we want something, we get it. In most marriages, women make lots of ridiculous purchases - buying little decorative baskets to put on the shelf, special decorative candles for the bathroom, lots of perfumes and spices. all kinds of extra expenses that can add up to hundreds of extra dollars out of the budget. The reality that it is only occasionally that most men spend, and normally only for practical items like a new SUV or new bass boat. Women make lots of little purchases, but men will go out and on a whim spend thousands upon thousands of dollars on impulse. Why? We love ourselves!
Now, let’s apply God’s design. Men, if you truly want to be a spiritual man and follow God, you will love your wife as much as you love yourself. So, when you get the urge to buy a new jet ski, before you do, say, “Honey, is there anything you would like to get for the family?” You may find that suddenly you’re spending that $5000 somewhere else than you had planned. Our love motivates us to make different choices.
If we will figure out this love concept, it will cure about 98% of men’s problem in their marriages. Love is irresistible, and when we love as we ought, it will make our wives want to follow our lead.
Tom Weisenburger - a few years ago made some drastic dietary changes. Not because he needed to lose weight, but for his heart. He had a mild heart attack, and his doctor said if he wanted to live to see his grandkids, he needed to change the way he ate and exercises. Tom - do you love doughnuts? Pie? Cookies? Do you love living enough to cut back on the things you shouldn’t eat?
We give up one thing we love because we love something else even more. In our marriages, yes, we love ourselves, but we love Christ more, and so we choose to show love to our wife in the same way we love ourselves. What does that look like? Paul tells us in verse 29. We feed and care for our body.
A. Husbands are to nourish their wives. The idea of nourish is feeding, giving nutrition to bring to maturity. Husbands, are you giving your wife everything she needs to thrive? Some of you are starving your wife! You may have a full fridge, but you wife is starving for attention! Most affairs start not for sex, but out of a need for attention. Men, if you don’t pay attention to your wife, she will find someone else who will give her attention.
Some men are starving their wives emotionally. Some wives get no positive affirmation. They always find something to criticize about the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping. If she makes a great meal, all they can say is “Well, that’s a first!”
Men, STOP starving your wives! Nourish her! Give her what she needs to thrive! Give her what she needs spiritually! The example of Christ loving the church is the model for husbands to love their wives. Christ sacrificed himself to make the church pure, holy, and blameless. Men, have you made it your desire to sacrifice your time and attention and recreation and NASCAR and fishing and hunting and bowling to make your wife everything she should be spiritually? That’s when you will start nourishing her. Also,
B. Husbands are to cherish their wives. Normally when we think of cherishing our wives we think of putting her up on a pedestal, where we can adore everything about her. But that’s not the idea of this word. Really, this word conveys the idea of “warming” her up.
Some men say right away, “that’s my wife - she’s cold as anything - sexually, emotionally, you name it - she’s as cold as a dead fish!” Guess what - whose job is it to warm her up? It’s the husband’s job!
To cherish your wife, you treat her warmly, tenderly, affectionately, so that her heart is open and responsive to you. Men, be gentle with your wives. The same term used for “cherishing” our wives is used in 1 Thessalonians 2:7 - but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. This idea of cherishing is tied to the idea of gentleness. Men, if you want your wives to warm up to you, try being gentle.
Most men don’t get the response they want from their wives, so they become forceful, yelling, screaming, becoming verbally insulting and abusive. Instead, men, if you will turn gentle and soft, you will find it warms your wife’s heart towards you.
So, this is God’s pattern: wives, follow the husband’s lead; husbands, love your wife as yourself. But what is the purpose of marriage. In verse 31, it says that husband and wife are to be united, to be joined, to be “cemented” together with super glue. But why? Because God has a greater lesson to learn than just living together in harmony. God wants to teach us something even greater. Marriage is a living picture to teach us about Christ and his church.
In the OT, the Jews had a sacrificial system, offering the blood of bulls and goats to teach the Jews -- to give them a visual picture that a perfect sacrifice was needed to atone for their sins. It pointed the way to the Messiah.
In marriage we have a visual picture of the relationship of Christ and his church. Here in Ephesians Paul has been talking about the church: Jew & Gentile becoming one, barriers put aside, a new lifestyle undertaken, the Holy Spirit indwelling and sealing. And Christ has eternally “cemented” - super glued himself to his church. Christ and the church are one for all eternity. Everything that Christ inherits, we inherit as well. All the blessings of God to the son are given to us as well. Romans 8:17 tells us we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ . . . and we . . . share in his glory.
So, our marriages are to be living pictures, examples to the world, of the love of Christ for his church. In verse 33, Paul gives his closing commands, summarizing his teaching: However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Whether under authority (in submission) or using authority (showing love) we are to seek the best interests of our spouse. For men, the issue is selfishness - often don’t love our wives as we should - because we are focused on ourselves. For women the issue is a bad attitude - they may obey their husband, but they don’t respect him, they don’t have right attitudes in their heart. Hear Paul’s commands, literally God’s commands to us:
Husbands - we need to love our wives - AGAPE love - sacrificing, selfless, pure love that so overwhelms our wives that they are drawn to follow our lead.
Wives - you need to respect your husbands. The same word for “respect” of your husband in verse 33 is the word in verse 21 for the “fear” of the Lord. In the same way that you fear and reverence and respect the Lord, you also need to respect your husbands. Not for who they are, but for the role they have been placed in.
I love and respect George W. Bush, and have no problem following his lead for our country. But before President Bush came to office, we had a different president. I must admit I had no personal respect for Bill Clinton. His sinful, lying, disgusting actions caused him to be impeached, and he should have been kicked out of office. But at the same time as I had no personal respect for the man, I held the utmost respect for the position he held. I never met the man, but had President Clinton met me, I would have given him the utmost respect. Not for who he was, but for the position he held.
Wives, even if your husband is personally not worthy of respect, show him respect anyway, not for who he is, but for the position that God has placed him in.
When we choose to get in line with God’s plan for our marriages, we will find that the issues that we thought were so “huge” suddenly don’t seem to bother us anymore. When we live according to God’s plan, we show the world that we love the Lord, and we show the world that God’s word is binding upon our lives. May God help us to light our light so shine that others may see the good works of our marriage and glorify the father in heaven! Let’s pray.
