As I was preparing my message this week, I came across this definition of marriage:
Marriage is when you agree to spend the rest of your life sleeping in a room that’s too warm, beside someone who’s sleeping in a room that’s too cold.
Although we may chuckle a bit at that, perhaps it is a much more profound comment about what marriage should be than we might perceive at first glance.
Some years ago The Saturday Evening Post ran an article that was entitled “The Seven Ages of the Married Cold.” This article revealed the reactions of a husband to his wife’s colds during their first seven years of marriage. It’s a rather humorous look at a not-so-funny reality - the potential decline of a marriage, as seen through the common cold.
The Seven Ages of the Married Cold
First Year: “Sugar dumpling, I’m really worried about my baby girl. You’ve got a bad sniffle and there’s no telling about these things with all this strep going around. I’m putting you in the hospital this afternoon for a general checkup and a good rest. I know the food’s lousy, but I’ll be bringing your meals in from Rossini’s. I’ve already got it all arranged with the floor superintendent.”
Second Year: “Listen darling, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I’ve called Doc Miller and asked him to rush over here. Now you go to bed like a good girl, please, just for papa.”
Third Year: “Maybe you’d better lie down, honey; nothing like a little rest when you feel lousy. I’ll bring you something. Have you got any canned soup?”
Fourth Year: “Now look dear, be sensible. After you’ve fed the kids, washed the dishes, and finished the floors, you’d better lie down.”
Fifth year: “Why don’t take a couple of aspirin?”
Sixth year: “I wish you would just gargle something instead of sitting around all evening barking like a seal.”
Seventh year: “For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing! Are you trying to give me pneumonia?”
Over the next two weeks, we’re going to look at some very practical instruction from Paul that will hopefully help our marriages from ending up like that. But before we do that, I want us to look at a verse from the Book of Ecclesiastes that I think provides us with a crucial principle that will enable us to be able to put into practice the instruction that Paul gives us here in Ephesians.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV)
Although I don’t think Solomon wrote these words specifically or exclusively to be applied to the marriage relationship, it’s not to hard to see how these words apply to a husband and wife. Certainly, when a husband and wife become one, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. And without a doubt, the husband and wife help each other out and keep each other warm and provide protection for each other. But what I really want you to focus on is verse 12: A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Let me illustrate just how important this principle is. Here I have two strands of twine representing the husband and the wife. If I try to braid them together into a single cord, what happens? They fall apart. But now if I introduce a third strand, one that represents Jesus, I can braid those three strands together and they will stay together. That is exactly what God intended for a marriage to be. And what happens once these three strands have been woven together if I remove that crucial third strand? That cord, and the relationship it represents, fall apart.
Here’s the principle. Unless Jesus Christ is an integral part of your marriage relationship, it will come apart. Unfortunately, in our culture today, marriages among those who call themselves Christians come apart at nearly the same rate as those of unbelievers. But I have yet to see a divorce among followers of Jesus Christ who truly make Jesus the centerpiece of their lives – both individually, and together as husband and wife.
Paul actually makes that same point as he writes these words here in Ephesians 5. As we read this passage out loud together, I want you to see how Paul has woven Jesus throughout these instructions to husbands and wives just like that third strand in the cord.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:21-33 (NIV)
You’ll remember that last week we looked at this passage in terms of how marriage – at least marriage the way God originally created it – is a picture of the relationship between Jesus and His body, the church. But that relationship between Jesus and His church is also to be the model for our marriages as well. So these next two weeks we’re going to see how that relationship can help both husbands and wives relate to each other in the way God intended.
But it should be quite clear by now that these principles are not ones that cab be practiced effectively on their own. It is only when Jesus is that connecting strand in the relationship that these principles will produce the kind of lasting, fulfilling relationship that God created marriage to be.
Although this passage begins with an instruction to submit to one another, that mutual submission does not in any way negate or contradict the different roles that have been assigned by God to the husband and the wife within the marriage relationship. Those roles in marriage are not arbitrarily assigned and they are not reversible any more than the role of Christ and the church are reversible.
The concepts of the headship of the husband and the submission of the wife were not brought into existence when sin entered the world. Those principles were very clearly part of the way God created marriage to operate from the very beginning. But what sin did was to twist those concepts and turn the humble, sacrificial headship of the husband into hostile domination or lazy indifference and the woman’s willing, joyful submission into manipulative flattery or brazen insubordination. So our goal over these next two weeks is to put into practice the principles that will allow us to restore our marriage relationships to the way God created them be.
Even though Paul addresses the wives first, I’m going to begin with the husbands this morning. That’s because the husband has been very clearly chosen by God to be the leader in the marriage relationship. And even though we can talk about how much the feminist movement has done to distort the Biblical role of women, I’m convinced that the primary fault in the failures of our marriages can be laid squarely at the feet of husbands who have failed to carry out their God-given role in the marriage relationship.
This week, the Phoenix Suns lost to the San Antonio Spurs in the first round of the NBA playoffs. And much of the talk has been about whether the coach, Mike D’Antonio should be fired. That’s because in our culture, the leader is held responsible for the performance of those under his or her leadership. When a company’s earnings drop, the CEO and the board of Directors are held accountable. In a church, when things don’t go well, usually the pastor and/or the elders are replaced. And in a marriage, it is usually the husband who bears the primary responsibility for success and failure.
Let’s begin with...
THE COMMAND: HUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIVES
Husbands, love your wives...
There is absolutely no doubt that Paul’s first instruction to the husbands is a command. And just to make sure there is no confusion, Paul refers to this principle of husbands loving their wives directly two more times and indirectly several more times in this passage.
In Greek, there are three primary words for love:
• Eros – describes the physical love between a husband and wife
• Phileo – brotherly love
As important as those are in a marriage relationship Paul doesn’t use either of those words here. He uses the word
• Agape – the Greek word that is always used to describe God’s love toward us.
In fact, Paul not only uses that particular word here, he also gives us a very clear example of how to apply that kind of love in a marriage relationship.
THE EXAMPLE: AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH
Last week, we saw that marriage was created by God as a picture of the relationship between Jesus and His church. But Paul also makes it clear that the way Christ loves the church is to be an example of how husbands are to love their wives:
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church...
...just as Christ loved the church...
It is clear that the headship of the husband in marriage is to operate in the same way as Christ’s headship of his church. As we look at this passage, we can find six characteristics of that kind of headship and love.
• Scriptural
This principle really goes all the way back to verse 18, where Paul commanded his readers to be filled with the Holy Spirit. As we discovered when we looked at that verse, being filled with the Holy Spirit is primarily a matter of being controlled by Him as we saturate our lives with the Word of God. That’s really were the headship of the husband must begin. This is certainly consistent with the headship of Jesus within His body, the church, which began with His unwavering commitment to carry out the will of His Father.
Unless we make Jesus that third strand in the relationship by having a personal, vibrant relationship with Him, there is absolutely no way that we will be able to carry out the rest of these principles.
• Selective
Jesus is not the head over everyone – at least not at this point in history. He has chosen to be the head over those who have committed their lives to Him. His headship is selective.
The same thing is true in marriage. The husband is only the head over the one whom he has chosen and who has agreed to submit to that headship.
When a group of kids were asked, “How do you decide whom to marry?” Alan, age 10, answered like this:
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
And Kristen, also age 10 came up with this answer:
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
And when 10 year old Camille was asked, “What is the right age to get married? she replied:
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person forever by then.
Now I’m not sure if those kids have a really good handle on the best way to pick a mate, but in any case, it is clear that for us as husbands our love for our wives is to be selective. So for those of you young men out there who are not yet married, I can’t emphasize enough the importance of picking the right person to marry. Be selective. And in order for me to be practical and help you do that, here’s some advice from an 8 year old and a 10 year old when it comes to your dating. When asked, “What do most people do on a date?” Lynette replied:
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
And then there was this insight from Martin:
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
• Sacrificial
...and gave himself up for her...
Men, if you don’t get anything else out of this message this morning, make sure you remember this principle..
When 9 year old Anita was asked, “Is it better to be single or married?” she answered:
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
While there is much truth in her reply – boys do generally need someone to clean up after them – that is certainly not what marriage is all about. If our example of how to love our wives is to be Christ’s love for the church, then that love is above all else sacrificial and selfless – love which seeks the benefit and blessing of another at one’s own expense. It is the kind of love Jesus demonstrated for His body the church, by dying for her, even when that kind of love was certainly not deserved:
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8 (NIV)
So our responsibility to love our wives sacrificially is not based on whether or not they deserve that love. It also means that true love is more than just an emotion. So I must love my wife even if I don’t have warm fuzzy feeling deep down inside.
Some men have mistakenly gotten the idea that this kind of sacrificial love that is focused on meeting the needs of their wives is somehow demeaning or that it diminishes their role as the head in the marriage relationship. But nothing could be further from the truth.
On the night before he went to the cross, Jesus, took a towel and a basin of water and got down on the floor and washed the feet of His disciples, the bridegroom serving the bride. But everyone in that room understood who the head was. Sacrifice and servanthood do not deny headship – they actually define it.
• Sanctifying
...to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless...
There is so much in this portion of our passage that we just don’t have time to look at in detail this morning. But I think the overall principle is readily apparent. If you love your wife, you will do everything in your power to maintain her holiness, her virtue, her righteousness, and her purity every day you live.
When Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead, we, His body, became righteous in God’s eyes:
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
2 Corinthians 5:21 (NIV)
But that was just the beginning of the process. As we live in a relationship with Jesus, He continues his work of sanctification in our lives, helping us to become more and more like Jesus as we continue on that journey.
Just as Jesus would never bring anything into the lives of His followers that would cause them to sin or become defiled or impure, we must never do anything that would bring impurity into the lives of our wives. One of the primary reasons that God designed the man to be the head in the marriage relationship is for her own protection. That is confirmed in Peter’s instruction to husbands:
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
1 Peter 3:7 (NIV)
There is a sense in which are wives are weaker and more susceptible to things which might defile their lives. And an important aspect of our love is to protect them from those kind of harmful influences.
Before we leave this principle, let me share a word of warning to those women who are not currently married. If a man comes along and tells you he loves you and then tries to take away your virtue, that is not love. True love will desire to maintain and protect your purity, not try to take it away.
• Sustaining
...In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it...
Paul commands us to take care of the needs of our wives in the very same manner that we care for the needs of our own bodies. And when we do that, Paul writes that we actually love ourselves. Perhaps the person who created this sign had this passage in mind:
"If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy."
Men it’s your job to make sure mama’s happy.
Now I’m obviously not saying that we are to just give our wives everything that they want. After all, Christ doesn’t even do that for His church. But, as members of His body, he does anticipate our needs and he provides for those needs, usually long before we even ask Him to. We need to be the kind of husbands that anticipate the needs, and even the wants, of our wives and then do whatever we can to provide for them..
Although financial circumstances often dictate that wives must work outside the home and in some cases they are even the primary bread winners in the family, that does not negate the Biblical principle that the husband is the one who is primarily responsible for providing for the needs of the family, and especially for those of his wife.
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timothy 5:8 (NIV)
• Secure
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
I think that the one thing that a woman wants out of marriage relationship more than anything else is to know that she is secure in the that relationship. When Paul quotes Genesis 2:24, he is reinforcing the idea that marriage is to be a permanent relationship in which the wife can be secure. That was particularly important in Paul’s day when women had no rights in marriage. They were basically treated like property. Although men could divorce their wives for any reason whatsoever without any kind of continuing obligation to the wife, the wives had no rights at all.
Jesus has made it clear to his followers that their position in Him is totally secure. Since or relationship with Him is based completely on what He has done for us and not on our own merit, there is nothing that either we or anyone else can do to take away that secure position.
Men, we need to make sure that our wives have that same kind of security in our marriages. One commitment that I made to Mary before we ever got married is that I would never even consider the option of divorce. I wanted her to know that no matter what happened I was 100% committed to our marriage. And my goal is to live my life in a way that I demonstrate that unwavering commitment to her each and every day.
I read this week a story about a newlywed couple, riding in a horse-drawn carriage, headed for their honeymoon. Suddenly the horse bolted, and the man said to the horse, “That’s one!” They went a little farther, and the horse bolted again. The man said, “That’s two!” A little farther the horse bolted again. The man said, “That’s three!” He turned around, took out a gun, and shot the horse. Shocked at what she had just witnessed, the new wife exclaimed, “What have you done? What made you do that? The man replied, “That’s one!”
Perhaps that man didn’t properly understand this principle very well.
Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church, with a love that is:
• Scriptural – my love for my wife begins with my own vibrant personal relationship with God
• Selective – That my love is for the one person who has committed her life to me as her head
• Sacrificial – a love that is focused on meeting the needs of my wife, even at my own expense
• Sanctifying - a love that protects and promotes the purity of my wife
• Sustaining – a love that provides for the needs and wants of my wife.
• Secure – a love where my wife knows without a doubt that I am 100% committed to her.
That’s how you spend the rest of your life sleeping in a room that’s too warm, beside someone who’s sleeping in a room that’s too cold.
