“THE HALLWAYS: BLENDING THE BLENDED FAMILY”
Home Improvement - Week 5
Selected Scriptures
INTRODUCTION: (Video: Brady Bunch Intro = 1:00)
That show was one of the very first to show a blended family. What is interesting is that it really wasn’t all that huge a hit back when it came out in the early 70’s. It only lasted 5 years and did not receive great ratings. But it is now a cultural phenomenon. Once it went into syndication in the 80’s it became a huge hit. There were several Brady reunions and a Brady Bunch movie was made in 1995(with new actors because the 70’s versions were too old) and was such a hit that a Brady sequel was made in 1996 and another one entitled: The Brady Bunch in the White House in 2002. Why is it more popular now than went it first came out? Sherwood Schwartz, the creator of The Brady Bunch, answered it this way. “My idea for the sitcom was to show a blended family but there just weren’t that many in the early 70’s. But starting in the 80’s remarriage became the “norm” and so seeing a blended family with all it’s challenges made the “Brady’s” a hit! My idea was just a little before it’s time.”
He’s got a point. The marriage and family landscape in today’s culture has changed dramatically. One of the change agents is the high divorce rate. There is some “good news, bad news” on that front. Although the overall divorce rate still hovers around 50%, the rate of divorce, for first time marriages has actually fallen in the last couple of years to around 45%. However, remarriages now make up 46% of all weddings in America and the divorce rate among remarriages, is around 60%. Researchers at the University of Wisconsin predicted that those who remarry a second or third time will have a divorce rate of closer to 70%. A huge part of this problem for those who remarry is the incredible challenges that face step-families.
So, as we continue in our series I want us to see what help there is out there for Step-Families. I want to start by recommending this book to you. If you are dealing with a step-family situation or you know someone who is, this book is worth buying. It’s called The Smart Step-Family by Ron L. Dean. It comes highly recommended by Focus on the Family; in fact you can buy it from their web site. It is highly thought of by such notable Christian family experts as Dennis Rainey and H. Norman Wright. Ron Deal provides practical, realistic solutions to the issues that face step-families. He has a web site especially helpful for step-families at successfulstepfamilies.com. Although it is not my only resource it is, in my opinion, the best one and I will refer to often as we talk. I want to be real with you. I don’t have personal experience in this topic but with ministerial experience, research which includes talking to several in the “heat of battle” - current step-parents and looking into God’s Word I believe we can gain some helpful insights. So, with that background let’s dig in.
I. PRE-HEAT:
Ron Deal, in his book, uses a cooking metaphor to discuss the challenges and the preventive recommendations for step-family life. As I began thinking of that analogy I thought it would be best to spend a moment or two on the “pre-heat” portion of cooking up a great step-family. So here’s three things I want you to think about, especially if you are considering remarriage or are just starting your step-family.
First, be perceptive. Understand from the beginning that the step-family situation is a challenge. Step-families vary greatly. Some have children from just one spouse and involve only one household, if, for example one of the biological parents have died. Other step-families are much more complex with “yours, mine and ours” children. These factors plus different ages of children, the attitude of the “other” parent, the expectation of the step-parent all make it hard to predict how much a step-family will struggle. Some step-families will have a difficult journey facing many tough barriers. There may be times, on a daily basis, when you wonder “What have I done?” But it is important to remember that the number of barriers you face comments neither on you nor on whether or not you should of married. Once you say, “I do,” your original wisdom, or lack thereof, in creating this family is irrelevant. When encountering opposition, there are too many who convince themselves it wasn’t a good idea to marry in the first place and begin looking for a way out. Listen: any marriage or remarriage, is a day to day commitment to stick it out, to say, “good times or tough times, I’m here for you, for good. Divorce is not an option.”
And while talking about this topic I don’t want us to paint only “doom and gloom, that is thinking that step-families can’t be a success. God wants your family to be a success. Throughout the Bible you read things like, “Since God has given you this new kind of life, and because of his deep love and concern for you, practice tenderhearted mercy and kindness to others.” (Col. 3:12 LB) “If you love someone, you will be loyal to them no matter what the cost. You will always believe in them, always expect the best of them, and always stand your ground in defending him.”(1 Cor. 13:7 LB) God wants you and your family to be a success. And it can happen. Please know that there are terrific step-family success stories. Don’t misunderstand, these that have made it had their struggles but they came out of the step-family challenges in pretty good shape. I can think of several in my ministry years that made a common commitment to God and each other and were, and are a success. One of the things that made them so was that the couples that I’m thinking about went into their remarriage with realistic expectations. Ron Deal writes, “Please, do yourself and your children a favor - find out everything you can and count the cost before deciding to remarry. Date the person for at least two years, giving yourself plenty of time to develop an understanding of your intended and his or her children.” That’s good advice! This is true for marriage but especially important for remarriage.. You need to know what you’re getting into at every level. Be perceptive.
(2nd) Be patient. An old Chinese proverb says, “A thousand mile journey begins with just one step.” Patricia Papernow, author of the book, Becoming a Stepfamily, discovered that it takes the average stepfamily seven years to integrate sufficiently to experience intimacy and authenticity in step relationships. She writes: “Fast” families can accomplish it in four years if the children are young and the adults are intentional about bringing their family together.” She also says, “Slow families can take nine or more years to come together.” My experience is that very few adults coming into their step-family would ever believe it takes that long. Be patient.
And with that in mind then, be practical. That includes thinking this through before remarriage! One of the step-parents I talked with made the point that while pre-marital counseling is important for engaged couples it is imperative for re-marriage couples. In fact, it would be wise to find a counselor who understands remarriage and step-families. As this step-dad said, “Subsequent marriages that involve children are nothing like starting from scratch.” In other words, get help from the “get-go”!
Please understand, there is no quick, easy equation for all this. That’s why it is so important that you discover a God who loves you, forgives and provides strength for the journey. He’s here, cheering you on! I can give you no more practical nor important advice than to understand in the depths of your being that God does not consider you a second class citizen because you are remarried and neither do we! Ron Deal in his book tells of a couple who went to a church after being away for a number of years. They liked the church so went and talked to the preacher. When he discovered they were divorced and remarried he actually said, “I’m sorry. Your background and your past might infect everyone else, so we can’t have you in our church.” Can you imagine? Someone claiming to proclaim God’s love and acceptance told them the answer was that they needed to be quarantined from the hospital! When I read that I wanted to call that preacher and say, “Did I miss the part of the Bible that says only perfect people belong in church?”Now, there’s a beautiful ending to this story. They didn’t allow that incident to deter them. They knew they needed a solid faith foundation for their family. They continued looking and found a church that didn’t compromise the Bible but understood that the church is not a gallery where we look at all the “good” people but a hospital where the sick - all of us who sin - can find acceptance and God’s grace.
I’ll repeat what I said a moment ago.. The most important and practical thing you can do for your family, no matter what your situation, is to understand that God loves you, aches to hold you and doesn’t want you to live a life of guilt and shame! You take a look at some of the step-families in the Bible and most would say, “Whoa, at least I’m not that bad!” Abraham had two kids from two different wives and threw one of them out into the wilderness! Jacob had 12 boys from different wives and there was jealousy, hatred even kidnaping. David had numerous children through different marriages and that step-family experienced distrust, hatred, rape and murder! Even Jesus was in a step-family! He knows exactly how you feel! If you hear nothing else this morning understand that God and Christ’s Church Camden are not some stern panel of judges waiting to bash you with some harsh sentence, but are jumping up and down like cheerleaders, encouraging, wanting to help and heal. So, be perceptive about the challenges, be patient as you commit to working through them and be practical using the resources God has given like Christian counseling, this church and other resources that can help.
II. COOKING:
Now, with that in mind let’s spend the remaining few minutes learning how, as Ron Deal says, to “cook up a great step-family.” Now, anytime you are baking or cooking it is essential to use the right appliance. The same is true in step-families. The most common term used to refer to the step-family is “blended family.” But serious stepfamily therapists, educators and researchers no longer make that the term of choice. Why? Well because when cooking, blending is a process by which you combine ingredients into one fluid mixture: think of a smoothie or a creamy soup. It is rare for a step-family to realistically experience that oneness in a relational sense. Deal writes: “More realistic is a process by which the various parts integrate, or come into contact with one another, much like a casserole or stew of distinct parts. For example, biological children will always have a stronger bond than stepparents and stepchildren, even if all goes well. This doesn’t mean they can’t be close but there will always be a qualitative difference.”
So, if blending is not the goal then how do you cook a step-family? Well, let’s mention a few cooking appliances and thus styles that don’t work!
The Blender. John was a very conscientious stepfather. He was committed to the Lord and desired to be a positive influence on his step-family. Yet he longed for something deeper. He asked, “Why doesn’t my stepson show as much desire for a relationship with me as he does with his dad? His dad is a jerk - he breaks promises to spend time with David, he forgets birthdays, and even when they are together he doesn’t give David his full attention. I’ve been with David for four years.. loved him, cared for him, we’ve had great times together, but he still prefers spending time with his father. Why?” The answer is really pretty simple.. Blood is thicker than a mother’s marriage! Part of the pull was the fact that David wanted so badly to be loved and accepted by his real father and wasn’t getting it! The problem for John was that he was setting the bar too high! He and David probably could never become one fluid mixture but they could build a solid relationship. Stepping down his expectations would result in less hurt for John and a greater connection with David. Experts tell us that blending the stepfamily together in one smooth mixture probably will not happen because the ingredients are so different and the blender so fast.
The Microwave. These families refuse to be defined as a stepfamily and seek to heat the ingredients in rapid fashion. Using this appliance the family avoids labels like stepfather or stepmother & demands the stepchildren call their stepdad “Daddy” or stepmother “Mommy.” They want to become “one” family fast! But the parenting team that refuses to accept the reality & tries to force the issue can experience hardship they didn’t expect. A microwave approach is too quick, too forceful.
The Pressure Cooker. This family cooking style results in the ingredients and spices (that is, rituals, values and preferences) being put under pressure to meld together completely. “I know your stepfather is a little more demanding and more strict than I, but can’t you just get along?” The child is under great pressure to conform because his or her mother’s health seems to be riding on her son or daughter’s acceptance of the stepfather. Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment! When the pressure cooker appliance is used the lid often blows off the pot! Like the Beardsley’s who try to put two large families together without telling the kids and then think that they’ll just naturally like each other.
Video Clip - Yours, Mine and Ours (2005 version) = 3:23
But the hammer is no answer and no better a tool than the blender, microwave or pressure cooker. You can’t force this! So, what appliance should we use?
Ron Deal says the key to integrating a step-family is to use the crockpot approach. You see, the key to step-families is time and low heat! Step-families need time to adjust to new living conditions, new parenting styles, rules and responsibilities. So, let’s close today with a couple of ways to put the right recipe into this correct appliance. Ron Deal has entire chapters as well as family activities and discussion questions that develop what we are going to discuss. But let’s at least get acquainted with some of the ingredients in this recipe.
1. Work at making your marriage a priority. Those of you who have been with us throughout this series may be saying, “There it is again.” Yes, the leaders in the field of step-family counseling reiterate what we said when talking about all families. That the healthier families are the ones who are marriage-centered, over and above being child centered. The child is offered more security knowing their parents are going to stay together and see that by the way Dad and Mom treat one another. After all that is the way God designed it! "Haven’t you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female? And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh -no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart."(Mt. 19:4-6 Msg) The marriage relationship is established before the children are born, continues throughout the child-rearing years and then is to exist successfully after the children are gone!
Now, there is a subtle difference here in implementation for the step-family. You must develop this slowly. While a husband and wife before children can implement their priority from the start, the parents who all of a sudden have children through the step-family process must balance the "both/and" situation slowly. Early in the marriage make sure you stay connected with your children helping them understand although things have changed your love for them has not. I liked what the Dennis Quaid’s character said in that clip although he veiled behind his frustration. He said, "Until you all learn why we think you are so terrific..." The experts all agree, for the step-family, you must slowly but surely make the marriage the priority. Deal writes: "A stepfamily in which a couple isn’t working over time toward affirming the importance of their relationship before the children is destined for mediocrity. A couple gradually moving their relationship to first priority is laying the foundation for the family that will last a lifetime."
2. Understand that your children live in "two countries." For the step-family divorce doesn’t end family life it just reorganizes it. This is so true for the children who live with the custodial parent but have visits and spend time with the non-custodial parent. It is essential that the entire parenting team understand that the children hold citizenship in each country. The parenting team (Ex’s) should do everything they can to help children thrive and enjoy both homes. This is probably the toughest challenge in step-family life. There is an ideal. Both the custodial and non-custodial parent, for the sake of the child(ren), sit down and figure out and enforce similar rules and standards of conduct in each of the homes. In the world of stepfamilies it’s called "co-parenting." But even if you have more of a "counter-parenting" relationship with your ex then co-parenting, there are some "don’ts" and "do’s" that you can practice.
Don’t: badmouth the other parent or household; comment or compare living conditions; coax a child into not visiting his/her parent; make the child feel guilty for enjoying the people in the other home. Do: Schedule a regular "business" meeting with the other parent to discuss co-parenting matters; make sure the child has everything they need in each home (basic essentials); keep your promises to the child when it comes to visitation schedule; share with the child when they return home what has been going on in your home since they left. Remember the goal: To provide two consistent and loving countries (homes) for your child.
3. Help the step-parent dance. No one ever dreamt while growing up of being a step-parent. I mean what teen have you ever heard say, "I can’t wait to meet someone who has already been married and has kids so I can be a step-parent!" It’s just not a part of our "happily ever after" fantasy. Ron Deal spends quite a bit of time writing to the biological parent about making it easy for the step-parent to dance, that is enjoy their step-parenting experience. Here’s some of his advice on how to do that.
Help them see that ineffective step-parents expect too much of themselves. Effective step-parents grow into their role. Ineffective step-parents make becoming an insider their goal. Effective step-parents enjoy the relationship they have now. Ineffective step-parents attempt punishment before having a relationship. Effective step-parents gradually move into disciplinary roles. In fact, one of our step-parents made what I thought was a great suggestion in this realm. He found it critical that early on in the family that the biological parent be the one to mete out the discipline while making it clear to the child that it came from both parents. Ineffective step-parents try to replace the non-custodial parent. Effective step-parents encourage children to develop a healthy relationship with non-custodial parents. The point here is to help the step-parent to enjoy their role not deplore it.
4. Commit to modeling and teaching faithfulness. Divorce has such an impact on children. Spiritually, it can be a positive or negative impact. Some children will demonstrate an increase in spiritual growth due to the trials they experience, learning that even though the humans in their lives let them down, God can always be counted on. Some turn away from the faith and allow their hardships to impact them detrimentally. The key to how that impact is realized has a great deal to do with your faith. I know that some of you must release your child into a household where your ex counters your faith teaching. In his book Ron Deal suggests several things:
1. Admit that you cannot control what is taught or demonstrated in the other home. 2. Pray, pray, pray! Daily for your child and have them hear about Jesus at every opportunity . 3. Most importantly. Do all you can to influence your child spiritually while they are in your home. Share Bible stories with your children. Share your faith story. Live your faith. Are you demonstrating a submissive spirit to the Lord? Are you living in a way that shows your children your faith? Edgar Guest wrote: "I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day. I’d rather one should walk with me than merely show the way. The eye’s a better pupil and more willing then the ear. Fine counsel can be confusing, but example’s always clear."
After all isn’t that what God has done for us? He didn’t just tell us the way but Jesus became the Way, the Truth and the Life for each one of us. He has shown us through his love gift Jesus that we are no longer step-children but fully his children, one with the father. "But when the time arrived God sent his Son, born among us of a woman.. in order to set us free from sin. You can tell for sure that you are now fully his children because God sent his Son into our lives.." (Gal. 4:4 SEB)
PowerPoint Presentations and Video Clips are available upon request.
