"THE DOORS: RELEASING YOUR CHILD"
Home Improvement - Week 4
1 SAM. 1:10-11, 24-27, Luke 15:11-13
INTRODUCTION:
You know, of all the areas that we have talked about in this child rearing portion of our home improvement series, certainly for me and I think for all of us as parents.. releasing your child may be the most difficult. Oh, certainly disciplining and blessing your child is challenging, but there are not too many things that can leave more emptiness or create more apprehension than releasing your child from your care.
Fortunately, God has once again given us practical instruction for how we can release our children in a way that will benefit both the parent and the child. There are at least two examples of parents in Scripture who were able to release their children. Hannah, the mother of Samuel and the father in Jesus’ parable of the prodigal son. In 1 Sam 1 we find Hannah praying for years that God would grant her a child. She promised if she had a son, that she would dedicate that child completely to God’s service. V:10-11- "Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. And she made this vow, ‘O Lord Almighty, if you will look down upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime.’" God answered that prayer and Hannah bears a son. Hannah loves Samuel but from birth she prepared him to be used of God. Scripture tells us: "When the child was weaned, Hannah took him to the Tabernacle in Shiloh. ‘I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life.’”
(1 Sam. 1:24 & 28 NLT) She gave his care over to Eli, God’s servant there. Now, she continued to care for him. 1 Sam.2:19 tells us that often Hannah would go see Samuel, bringing him clothes. But, as parents, we need to emulate Hannah, understanding that although we don’t have to leave our children with the preacher. (please...) We do need to begin preparing our child from birth to be used of God.
Then in Lk 15, we find the story of the prodigal son. Vss:11-13- "Then Jesus said, “A man had two sons. The younger son said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the property.’ So the father let him go, dividing up his property..”(GW) Jesus primarily told this story to point out how the heavenly Father loves and handles repentant sinners. But it also demonstrates what a father did when his son, who was of age and wanted to leave home. He let him go, even though it hurt and wasn’t best.. When it comes time to release your child. Not only must we emulate Hannah and prepare them to be used by God but we also must imitate the Father of this story by preparing to release our child no matter how heart wrenching that might be. After all, our children were born to eventually live on their own, honoring both God who created them and the parents who raised them.
So, I want to suggest 4 things that we need to do to help us as parents in this difficult task. My prayer this morning is that these four principles will equip you to move your children toward independence in a way that glorifies God.
I. BEGIN RELEASING YOUR CHILD FROM BIRTH:
First, we must recognize that we are to begin releasing our children from birth. That’s certainly what Hannah did. We actually have that goal from the very start. As James Dobson says, "Our goal as parents is to teach our children to live without us." That may sound abrupt to the parents of small children but it is true. Our goal is to give our children the ability to function in this world when we are not there. So, releasing your child really begins at birth. Understanding that we are obligated to raise our children in a manner consistent with the reality that they eventually will have to someday cope as adults.
So, let’s suggest some practical ways to do that. I believe, if we’ll practice these suggestions now, when it comes time to release your children into a more permanent setting, it may be easier to do so. Now, there are different types of releasing at different age levels.
I would encourage all parents, when in church, after say, 6-8 months old, to leave their child in the nursery. One reason I encourage that is because you and those around you worship better. But the most important reason is that it introduces your child to be separate from you & involved with others. Parents protest, "Oh, my child will scream & cry if I leave them." But somewhere along the line they are going to have to go through the pain of separation and they’ll be better prepared if you do it early. As they grow into toddlers and grade schoolers allow them to be in Children’s church. We have a great children’s program, called “Christ’s Kidz,” headed up by qualified people who love your children and if there is a problem they will come get you... I promise. And as they become a little more independent let them spend the night away from home. Obviously in our culture you need to know the host parents well but release them in trustworthy situations to do a “sleep-over.”
And make sure you take time to get a sitter for these young ages and go out without them! You need that for your marriage and the kids need it too. They need to know that your relationship with each other is important and see that you are taking time to nurture it. They also learn that they can survive being away from you for a couple of hours. I know some parents who refuse to hire a sitter or leave the children with anyone thinking the child can’t handle it when it’s the parents who have the “separation anxiety.” Please realize that you hurt your child by not using some of these “releasing” opportunities.
Understand, that there will be times, as a parent, that you are faced with the dilemma of releasing. When it came to our children’s younger days in school they pretty much were raised in a semi-protected environment. They all went to pre-school at our church in Florida. As the minister, they know Daddy was just down the hall, in fact Deb was the Assistant Director. But once they reached first grade that all changed. They were in public school with many other children. Mom & Dad weren’t right down the hall. One of the saddest times for me was when our youngest, Zachary started public school. His first grade year was a big adjustment from pre-school and He didn’t like it. One night I went to check on the boys after we had put them to bed and I stopped short of the door because I heard them talking.. the discussion about broke my heart. Zach said, "Rusty, I don’t like school." His big brother, who was 8 at the time, tried to console him by asking why. Zach said, "It’s too long and we do work all day." Rusty said, "Zach, that’s what school is for." Zach was quiet for a moment and said, "Well, I don’t like it, I wish I was a baby again." Now, should I have just run in there and held him saying, "It’s okay buddy, you’re never going to have to go to that school again!" OR- "We’ll find a school with a shorter day." Oh, I felt like doing that. My heart wanted to do that. But if I had rescued him then, when would he have ever learned to make it without me?
Let me ask you.. When your child encounters difficulty, say at school, how do you react? The teacher disciplines our child, the coach doesn’t play your child as much as you think he should, other kids ridicule your child? Do you march to school and fight the child’s battles and protect them? If you do that you’re practicing parenting by helicopter, you’re just "hovering" over them all the time, rescuing them. Parents, don’t constantly rescue them from difficulty. Now, there are exceptions and children do need to know that their parents will protect them from serious injustice. But.. many children today never learn to accept responsibility for their behavior because their parents are accepting for them.
Now, let’s check in on our Home Improvement family from the sitcom and see that releasing doesn’t stop being difficult just because they grow into their teen years. A little background. Randy, the Taylor’s middle son, has just received his driver’s license. But his Mom, Jill, becomes over protective and says he can’t drive at night for a month, even though as parents they did not put that restriction on Brad, the oldest son when he got his driver’s license. The problem is that Brad was in a rear collision his first week of driving and now Jill is using that mishap to forbid Randy from driving after dark. Randy thinks it’s unfair and takes the car one night anyway. Jill, with the help of Wilson; has to face up to the question as to whether or not she’s being a correctly cautious parent or an overly protective one.
Video Clip - Home Improvement - 2:50
As for Jill, as our children grow into their teen years the releasing becomes more risky. Driving a car, dating, getting a weekend job all are types of older releasing that come with some potential hazards. But if you “protect” them from all the potential hazards of life they’ll never experience the victories that come with those things or the challenges. When they are of age and it comes time for them to try their wings with these things try your best to not be over-protective. In Jesus’ story of the prodigal son, the father doesn’t force his son to stay home or run to the far off country to get back the money his "so-called" friends took. No, he waits for him hoping, but allowing him to take responsibility for his own actions. Life is full of frustrations, disappointments and pain. If you protect your child from all unpleasant experiences they won’t be equipped for reality. They’ll become excessively dependent, immature, undisciplined. What it boils down to is: If we want our children to stand on their own 2 feet when they are 21- we’ve got to be able to let them try it as they’re growing up even if from time to time, they fall down.
II. TEACH THEM A REALISM ABOUT POSSESSIONS:
2ndly, if we are going to prepare our children for independence we need to teach them a realism about possessions. Jesus said,"Beware! Don’t be greedy for what you don’t have. Real life is not measured by how much we own."(Lk. 12:15-NLT) Somehow, in this materialistic culture we’ve got to impress stewardship, the proper managing of things over just spending, to our kids.
Parents- let your imagination go wild for a minute. If you could list everything that you wanted - that you did not have- what would you list? Money is no object.. $1 million in savings, a new Porche, a vacation home in Arizona, expensive jewelry, a trip around the world, a new wardrobe, a new pastor... Now, let reality intrude- how many of those things do you think that you are going to realistically acquire in the next year? If you expect to receive 25% of your list, you either don’t want very much or your incredibly wealthy. If you acquire 10% of those items you`re doing well and you have to work hard and sacrifice to get them.
Now, think about the things your children ask you for- not just the things they need but the things they want. Depending on their ages they’re going to want toys, play stations, electronic equipment, motorcycles, a car, clothes, trips- Now, think about those things and think about how many of those wishes are granted. In a 2004 issue of Parents magazine they revealed that statistics show that if you’re the typical American parent you will grant more than 75% of the items on the children’s wish list. Now, what this means is- that most of us accustom our children to a materialistic standard that is completely out of kilter to what they can hope to achieve as adults. And if your kids are like most- they don’t get those things by sacrificing and working. They get them by asking, crying, demanding, manipulating. And it ruins their future work ethic. They’re not willing to start small, struggle & sacrifice & hang in there. We must teach our children that they do not get everything they want. You don’t as an adult, neither will they.
John Rosemond said, "This generation of parents has done a wonderful job of sharing their standard of living with their children, but a miserable job of endowing those children with skills they’ll need to achieve those standards on their own." Parents, you’re not obligated to share your standard of living with your children. They deserve better than that! They deserve to have us tend to their needs but they also deserve to hear us say, "no" more often than "yes" when it comes to their whimsical wishes. I like to say that our children need to learn the value of yearning and earning. That is, our children need to learn what it means to yearn for something, work for it and feel the satisfaction of earning it on their own. So, if your teen-ager says, "I don’t want those generic brand jeans, I want those designer jeans!" And the generic brand is $19.95 and the designer brand is $49.95- you say to them, "Well, we’ll give you $20 but you’ll have to baby sit, mow yards, etc.. earn the other money if you want it.” And that flows right into the 3rd thing..
III. TEACH THEM A RESPONSIBILITY TO WORK:
Children should be contributing members of the family. Prov. 12:24- "Hard work will give you power; being lazy will make you a slave.”(GNT) Let me ask you to answer a question: "How many of you had to do a regular chore in your home when you were growing up for which you received no payment? You had to do the dishes, mow the lawn, dust the furniture?” Now- keep your hand raised if you can honestly say that you require your children to do regular chores for which they receive no payment? Statistics say that about 80-90% of parents admit that even though they had to, their children do not.
There are 4 reasons that children need to have chores for which there is no payment.
(1) Chores enhance a child’s security. They actualize the child’s participation in the family thus strengthening feelings of acceptance, safety and belonging.
(2) Chores enhance a child’s future work ethic. They give the child a sense of accomplishment.
(3) Chores add to the child’s sense of personal responsibility. Remember what John F. Kennedy said in his inaugural address, "Ask not what your country can do for you but" what? “You can do for your country.” Our child rearing should reflect this principle. We need to teach our children that the reward of membership in a family comes more from what they put into the family than from what they take out of it.
The (4) and most importantly, is that chores bond a child to the values of the family. They are the child’s way of making a tangible contribution to the family.
So I would encourage you to begin early. Lam. 3:27 reads, "It is good for someone to work hard while he is young."(NCV) For example, when they are 3-4 they are eager to help. Maybe you can allow them to set the table or pick up their room, dust the furniture. When they get school age they can certainly clean their room, clean the bathroom, help vacuum. Your teen-agers ought to responsible to mow the lawn, clean up the kitchen, wash the car. Teens will say, "Hey, my friends don’t have to mow the grass, my friends don’t have to cook any meals.” You just say, "Oh, that’s too bad, their parents must not love them as much as we love you. We’re just wanting to train you to be ready for later on." It is true: Children who are enabled to contribute to their families on a regular basis come to a clearer understanding of their parents values and are more likely to use those same values in their own adult lives.
IV. TEACH THEM REVERENCE FOR GOD:
Then the 4th preparation for releasing your child is the most important and that is to teach them a reverence for God. Deut. 6:4-9- tells us to teach our children to love God with all their heart, soul and strength. To teach His commandments.. "..when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, whey you lie down and when you get up.”(NIV) Parents, are you training your children to do that? I mean what does it matter if you train them to succeed physically, emotionally and intellectually if they die without God? We have an awesome responsibility to teach our children to know the Lord. They are not going to be taught that by their peers, by the media, by their teachers in school. And realistically we only have them an hour or so in Church a week. So if you don’t teach your children reverence for God, the chances are pretty good- they won’t learn it.
Now, practically that means we need to zero in on several things. (1) Teach them reverence for parental authority . We talked about this last week when we discussed disciplining your children. If they are not submissive to our authority how will they ever be able to say- "God - not my will but Yours be done." That’s why counselor Bill Gothard says, "It is the task of the parent to break the self-will of the child without breaking their spirit." We need to release our children to know God. Our primary goal is to teach them to have a submissive will to authority but a vibrant spirit about life. But to train our children to reverence God goes further than just teaching them obedience to us.
(2) They need to respect the Bible as God’s Word. So, saturate your kids with Scripture. David said in Psa. 119:11, "I have hidden your Word in my heart, that I might not sin against you." (NLT) Parents, if we expect our children to know and then remain true to God’s values, we need to read them Bible stories, buy them Christian videos, put Scripture on the refrigerator, place Bible plaques on your walls. Talk with them about the Lord while you’re in the car, around the table, make that a natural part of your conversation. Teach them to respect God’s Word...
(3) Make sure you stress a personal relationship with Jesus. Your child’s relationship with Jesus will most often mirror yours. The fact is that a child’s adult faithfulness is not dependent on Church programs, enthusiastic programs or youth ministers as much as it depends on whether their parent’s walk with Christ was genuine or not. And no matter how old your children are it is never to late to start. Be honest with them and tell them that your life hasn’t been very close to the Lord but that you want that and want that for them.
Now, when you’ve begun releasing your child from birth, when you’ve instilled a realism about possessions, when you’ve taught them a responsibility for work and a reverence for God, then when the time comes- you can release them with a knowledge that you’ve done the best you could do. I know personally, that when the time comes, even if you’ve done these things, it is still terribly hard. But when that time comes for you, just remember: It’s our job as parents to give our children roots that they might grow - but also wings that they might fly. That’s what our heavenly Father has done for all of us- His Children. He has given us His grace that we might grow and His eternal promises that we might fly.
PowerPoint Presentations and Video Clips available upon request.
