Home Improvement - Week 3
"THE WALLS: DISCIPLINING YOUR CHILD"
EPHESIANS 6:1-4 / HEBREWS 12:4-13
INTRODUCTION:
A loaded mini-van pulled up to the only remaining campsite. Four youngsters leaped from the vehicle & feverishly began unloading the gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed off to gather firewood while the girls along with their mother began to set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper watched and marveled to the children’s father: "Sir, that is the greatest display of teamwork I have ever seen. How do you run such a disciplined family?" The father said, "Well, it really works on only 1 basic principle. Nobody gets to go to the bathroom until the camp is set up!"
We have become un-accustomed to seeing well-disciplined children. We’re more familiar with irresponsibility, rudeness, out right defiance. For the past 3 decades we have sown the seeds of permissiveness and now we are reaping a tragic harvest. 1.3 million young people have drinking problems in this country. 5,000 teenagers commit suicide every year- 10,000 more attempt it. Sexual activity amongst pre-teens has more than tripled in the last decade. Every day 200 school teachers are assaulted physically by students in the classroom in this country and such places as Paducah, KY, Jonesboro, AK and Columbine in Littleton, CO. are forever etched in our minds and nation’s history. No wonder Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family says, "Permissiveness has not been a failure in this country - it has been a disaster."
So, as we continue our Home Improvement series, we need to deal with, from a Biblical perspective, the subject of disciplining our children. All children need the freedom that blessing them brings but they also need walls or boundaries so that they don’t wander needlessly into hurtful situations.
Now, some of what I have to say today you may disagree with. Maybe, that’s because I’m wrong. I am no expert in parenting. I look back at over a quarter of a century that I’ve been a parent and I can easily see where I’ve made mistakes. But before you disregard this teaching as just "preacher talk", will you evaluate 2 things? (1) Will you evaluate the Scripture with me objectively? I believe with all my heart that our success as parents has a much better chance if we consult the Creator and His Words than if we depend on the vacillating philosophy of this age. (2) As much as is possible, will you evaluate your children’s behavior honestly? If they are always well behaved then stay the course. But if your children aren’t listening to you very well or others that deal with your child have to tell you of unacceptable behavior, like a mouth out of control or selfishness, maybe it’s time to change your strategy of discipline. I just want to discuss 2 things today: (1) Parental authority and (2) Parental discipline.
I. PARENTAL AUTHORITY:
Parents, God has set up the home in such a way where you are to have the authority over your children during the growing years. In fact, God has commanded that parents have authority over their children. Eph. 6:1 & Col. 3:20 make it clear that children are to submit to parental authority by being obedient.
Col. 3:20 - “Children, always obey your parents. This is pleasing to the Lord.”(GW)
Eph. 6:1-2 gives a little fuller treatment. “Children, obey your parents; this is the right thing to do because God has placed them in authority over you. Honor your father and mother. This is the first of God’s Ten Commandments that ends with a promise...” Those two words obey & honor describes a child’s role in the family.
Their action is obedience. You see, it is not our goal to get our children to obey because we are bigger than they or because we can intimidate them. They are to obey because as adults we know what is best for them. Proverbs 28:7-“Children who obey what they have been taught are smart and stay far from trouble...”(NCV)
But we not only are to teach them the action of obedience but we are also to teach them to honor, an attitude of respect. One of the reasons God has delegated authority to parents is so that children will learn respect for those who have authority over them in life and most importantly will respect the authority of God. If they do not learn respect from the parents where will they learn it? A children’s church teacher came to me several years ago and told me that one of my children sassed them. I thanked them for telling me and said that although I was disappointed to hear that- I would take care of it. This teacher apparently heard my tone and maybe fearing for my child’s well-being said, "Well, maybe I didn’t handle the situation very well." I said to them & to my child- "It makes no difference whether or not you handled the situation correctly. If you as the teacher tell my child to do something they are to respect your authority as the teacher whether they like the way you told them or not. Their obedience is not based on your actions but on their attitude of respect for authority." Parents, teaching respect for authority is critical for your child’s future. If they don’t learn to respect us then what will they do to teachers, employers, police officer’s or most importantly, God?
Here’s a couple of suggestions to help parents properly exercise authority and assist the child to obey and honor that authority. Three correction clauses:
(1st) Be confident - Not passive in your discipline. God has delegated this authority to you. Recognize the fact that your child needs and wants an authority figure in their life. They need the security of someone who will set parameters for them, someone who will protect them. Can you imagine a basketball game where the referee negotiates with the players? The defense player hacks the offensive player, the referee blows the whistle and says, "Now, why have you gone and done that? Please don’t do that again." If that goes on long enough and the referee doesn’t exert his authority and excess a penalty what’s going to happen to the game? Sure, the referees lose control & someone gets hurt. That has happened to some families in our culture. You see a good referee realizes that he is in charge, not the players. He knows that he must make decisions and judgment calls. Everyone won’t agree but for the game to be orderly the referee must be confident of his authority and exercise it accordingly. Now, I think it is well for parents to establish a referee rule in the house- no threats, but no negotiating, when you see a blatant infraction blow the whistle and assess the penalty. I would counsel you in being confident and not passive, with a couple of suggestions from John Rosemond.
(a) Don’t argue with your children. You never win an argument with a child. When communicating instructions speak directly to your child, be concise, concrete, use language that refers to the specific behavior you expect. Instead of saying, "I want you to be good in the store when we go," say, "While in the store this morning I expect you to sit in the cart while we are there." Say things in a way that does not invite debate.
(b)- Don’t use the "okay" statement or announcement. When you give an instruction that you see as needed don’t end it by saying, "Okay?" Don’t say, "It’s time to put the toys up, okay?" "Now, we don’t tell Daddy to shut-up okay?" You know what that invites? Negotiations. Because to them, it’s not okay. Be confident. "It’s time to put your toys up, please." "Saying shut-up to Daddy is unacceptable- that does not show proper respect- you will not say that again."
(c) Don’t use the "sales pitch" routine.. where you phrase your instruction with a question. "How about getting ready for bed? We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow." To the child that implies a choice, when in reality no choice exists. We always had a rule at our house when the kids were young: "If I ask a question they have the right to answer that question." If I ask- "How about getting ready for bed?” my children had the right to say, "No thanks, I want to stay up." Of course I said, "Oh, well, if that’s what you want." No! Don’t phrase instructions with a question. Say, "It’s time to get ready for bed, go brush your teeth, please pick up your toys, etc.” So here’s the first correction clause for parents: Be confident, not passive.
I want “Tim the Tool Man Taylor” to introduce our next correction clause. A little background. Mark, the youngest Taylor has stolen a Swiss army knife from a hardware store and when confronted has lied. But Mom finds it in one of his jean pockets, as you can imagine trouble ensues. Tim explodes, Mark runs away. They find him later in the hardware store. Watch the difference between the first and second confrontations between Tim and his son.
Video Clip - Home Improvement - Season 4 - A Marked Man - 3:17
(2nd) Be calm not caustic with your discipline. I’m sure you noticed the difference between Tim’s demeanor at home and in the hardware store. He attacked! And even though he finally reacted well, his caustic manner produced fear in Mark. I know, staying calm in the face of something like Mark did is tough. But if you are mad have the presence of mind to take a walk or delay the confrontation if possible. Please understand that staying calm makes it possible for a child to feel safe even in the midst of correction. That grants security. Now, we’ve all lost it with our kids. I remember a time when I lost it with my oldest son. I was so mad, and over a little thing but I lost and screamed at him. But to this day all three of my kids can tell you about the day Dad lost it. I wish I hadn’t but I take some comfort in the fact that they can talk about the “day” I lost it, not that I was always losing it. Do your best to stay calm and collected so that discipline is corrective not caustic.
(3rd) Here’s the third corrective clause for discipline: Be consistent not chaotic. Consistency is always a part of effective managing. Consistency makes it possible for the child to predict the consequences of his behavior. The ability to anticipate the consequences and to adjust behavior accordingly is the first step in a child’s self-discipline. Without consistency discipline is confusing.
Here’s 2 factors that I think often undermine consistency in discipline.
(a) Putting your child in child care where the values are markedly different than yours. One standard during the day & another at night creates inconsistency, insecurity. If possible find a environment that holds your values.
(b) Unpredictable or shifting norms in the home. The parents need to love the child enough to get together and establish some stable norms. That means Dad and Mom, you have to communicate and establish what the norms are. And... Don’t allow children to pit you against each other. We’ve all done that as a child. Dad says no, so we go to Mom or vice-versa. Dad and Mom, communicate beforehand about how together you are going to handle certain requests - or-say, "Well, I want to talk to Mom (Dad) about that before I decide." God makes it clear that as a parent you are to bring your child under your authority. But how practically do you do that? Let’s spend our final few minutes addressing the "how to."
II. GOD’S EXPLANATION: PARENTAL DISCIPLINE:
God’s explanation for how to establish proper parental authority in the home is through discipline. The word discipline implies 2 activities. (1) Instruction. It is our job to teach the child right from wrong, to teach them to obey God. Prov. 29:15- "Instruction and punishment make children wise, but those left to themselves will disgrace their mother.”(NCV) Listen, if we want kind, appreciative, honest, loving, unselfish offspring - we’ve got to train them to be that way. We must, as Eph. 6:4 tells us: "bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord.”(NLT)
The 2nd ingredient is chastisement or punishment.. Let’s look at Heb. 12 for a moment, starting with vs:5 and zeroing in on vs:6. “...have you quite forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you, his child? He said, "My son, don’t be angry when the Lord punishes you. Don’t be discouraged when he has to show you where you are wrong. For when he punishes you, it proves that he loves you. Let God train you, for he is doing what any loving father does for his children. Whoever heard of a son who was never corrected?” Notice the unmistakable connection between love and chastisement. They are part of the same package- The Lord loves and the Lord punishes. The same thread is in v:10-11- “Our earthly fathers trained us for a few brief years, doing the best for us that they knew how, but God’s correction is always right and for our best good, that we may share his holiness. Being punished isn’t enjoyable while it is happening - it hurts! But afterwards we can see the result, a quiet growth in grace and character.” God let’s us go through temporary pain so that in the end we will produce a harvest of growth and maturity. And here’s the key: The way a child learns or doesn’t learn about God’s discipline is from you parents. And in order to effectively discipline there must be some leverage in order to enforce the instruction. The referee must be able to assess a foul shot- that hurts, the teacher docks a grade- that hurts, the police officer gives out a ticket- that hurts. And parents need leverage, to back up instruction that is temporarily painful in order to enforce the rules. Let’s discuss some different types of leverage.
First, what about spanking? There are some secular counselors and several parenting books that say no parent should ever spank a child. God, in His Word disagrees. Now, please don’t misunderstand. Spanking is not the answer to all discipline problems but don’t be deceived equating spanking with child abuse. To me failure to see the difference between spanking that is properly administered and child abuse is like failing to see the difference between a surgeon and Jack the Ripper, they both use a knife but for totally different purposes. Don’t become like the parents that sent a note to the teacher that said, "Please don’t hit Billy at school, we never do at home except in self- defense." Prov. 23:13-14 "Don’t fail to correct your children. They won’t die if you spank them. Physical discipline may well save them from death."(NLT) Now, notice God does not say you have to spank, but He says that you can. And that verse also implies that physical discipline, can at times, save the child. Now.. Deb and I spanked our children very infrequently but we did do it. But we only did it in certain situations. Allow me to offer 5 suggestions on how to properly give a spanking.
(1) Don’t spank when angry. That’s not always easy but if you give a spanking in anger you increase the chances of hitting the child too hard and you increase your guilt for doing it. My suggestion is that you discuss with the child what is about to happen and why. I used to take my children into the bedroom we’d sit down and I tell them they are going to be spanked because of so and so. They usually had one question- "How many?" But in that way, I’m in control of my emotions.
(2) I suggest you give the spanking with your hand. Some suggest giving it with a neutral object but I want to feel how hard I’m hitting my child.
(3) Apply the spanking to the child’s posterior. Not the face, arms or legs. Your purpose is not injury. Some suggest God gave us a little cushion on our bottoms for this purpose. I’m not sure that’s true but it’s safer.
(4) Give spankings for willful disobedience not for mistakes. Don’t spank them for spilling their milk or for tipping over the lamp. Those are mistakes. However, if they are told to do something and they willfully choose to disobey that meets the criteria. Telling Mom or Dad "No!" or being disrespectful falls into this category.
(5) Always express love to the child before and after you spank. Don’t say, "This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you." I’ve learned as an adult that the emotion behind that might be true but let me ask any of you whose parents said that... “Did you believe it?” Neither do they. I suggest you tell them they are being punished but because you love them and want them to grow up to learn that there are consequences for wrong behavior. Remember spanking is not commanded by God but it is condoned by God. It’s an effective leverage for certain age children. So, let’s discuss leverages that are painful that are used at the different age levels.
2-3: At this age your leverage should be unpleasantness that’s given primarily verbally. A strong "No" might do the trick for that age. Taking away an article can be effective, they throw the ball when you’ve said not to, they lose the ball. But find some way, even at the early ages to chastise in a way that’s unpleasant for them.
4-6: These are important years. Taking away privileges, using a “time-out,” and spanking can all be effective for this formative stage. Let’s say you have a child that throws a temper tantrum. He falls down and throws a fit- stomping, yelling, or he sasses you. If after that behavior you give into him and do whatever he wants then you will of taught him that the way to get his way is to throw a fit or manipulate, and believe me, he won’t grow out of it. He will find some way to control and exploit others in order to get his way. Those of you with young children please understand this very critical parental principle. You cannot sacrifice parental authority in the early years without compromising parental respect in the later years. So, if the child throws a fit, pick him up and put him in the playpen or a chair, or his room, where he doesn’t want to be. And you say, "Now, you stay here, I’ll be back in 10 minutes and we’ll see if you’re doing better. If you get out of the chair I will have to spank you." The child begins to associate losing his temper with unpleasantness and is more likely not to repeat it.
7-12: Somewhere in this time frame spanking becomes ineffective. I remember when my son, Rusty was 9 years old and for his punishment I gave him a choice between a spanking or losing video games for a week. Guess what he picked? I asked him why he picked spanking. He said, "It’ll hurt but only for a few minutes." I knew spanking had lost its effectiveness. But there are plenty of privileges to take away that hurt. No TV, going to bed an hour early.. When my boys were younger they would fight and so Deb came up with what I believe to be an ingenious and innovative idea.. She started sitting them on the couch, together, and made them hold hands! That was a killer! Before they could get up they had to say something nice about each other! Use something where they’ll equate disobedience with unpleasantness.
Teen years: Now, when they are teen-agers you are about restricted to the taking away of privileges. Once again be sure parents to discuss the situation with your teen before administrating punishment. But make it hurt... "Because you lied, you can’t talk on the telephone, you can’t play in tonight’s game." "Because you came home an hour late you can’t use the car for a week, except for what I need." Teenage years are difficult. And they are especially difficult for parents who haven’t firmly established authority early on because there is a continuous battle of wills. But they need the fences, it‘s one way they know you care.
College: Once your children are college level there’s not much leverage left other than disapproval or taking away finances. Hopefully, if parenting has been done properly the child will want your approval. If they completely rebel than take away the money. Say: "If you are going to continue to sleep around- if you’re going to keep taking drugs- I’m not going to pay for your college - I will not finance that kind of behavior." I know several college students who suffered from "mal-tuition" that eventually saw the light.
Maybe you’re saying, "I’ve waited too long, my child’s out of control.” Well, the longer you go down the wrong road the further you will have to come to get back on track. Sit down with your child and tell them things are about to change. Tell them, "I see in the Bible where I’ve been doing some things wrong".. Expect some resistance, pray for wisdom and stay the course. In the end it will be worth it. Prov. 29:17- "Discipline your children; you’ll be glad you did - they’ll turn out delightful to live with.”(MSG)
You know, we’ve all been created in our heavenly Father’s image. Maybe you’ve rebelled against Him & have suffered painful consequences - He’s ready to forgive - maybe not change the consequences - but love and forgive and give you a brand new start - if you’ll come to Him. "Our earthly fathers trained us for a few brief years, doing the best for us that they knew how, but God’s correction is always right and for our best good, that we may share his holiness...
PowerPoint Presentations and Video Clips available upon request.
