“THE ARCHITECTURE: ROLES IN MARRIAGE”
Home Improvement - Week #1
Ephesians 5:21-33, 1 Peter 3:7
INTRODUCTION: {Video Clip: Home Improvement Clip 1 = 2:45}
In a lifetime relationship how do two people stay compatible? How do we as live out Wilson’s advice and “build a bridge” or “meet in the middle” every day? Well, as much as I respect Wilson (and btw, isn’t strange that in the show Tim and Jill get marriage and parenting tips from a single man?)- but as much as Wilson’s advice often has merit it’s not perfect and Wilson didn’t design marriage. For that we need to go further than just over the fence, we need to listen to the designer, the architect of marriage: God. Doesn’t it make sense that the One who designed matrimony would be the best One to give us marriage plans? So, let’s look at a couple of passages from God’s planner, the bible, that give His design.
Eph. 5 and 1 Peter 3 are some of the most practical and needed passages in the Bible for this portion of home improvement. Now for some you this is “old ground” but I believe that we need to have God’s design for marriage branded on our hearts again and again. As someone once said, “It may not be as important to learn new truths as it is to be reminded of the old ones.” But for some, what we are going to discuss today will be new. My prayer is that we will all take to heart what God has to say in these verses. Even if you are not a Christian or aren’t sure about this “church stuff,” my hope is that you’ll see the practical and sensible advice these passages give. So instead of looking at compatibility let’s look at our roles in marriage. Because true compatibility comes from correctly living out God’s design. Let’s see what He has to say.
I. ONE TO ANOTHER: SHARED SUBJECTION Vs:21
Before we actually get into the roles and responsibilities of wives and husbands I want to begin our discussion by understanding the concept of submissiveness. Let’s read vs:21 together.“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This verse introduces a concept that certainly goes against what the world teaches. The world’s basic attitude is "Me First." We hear it espoused in such phrases as "Don’t let people push you around!" “No one has the right to impose their values on me!” “Look out for #1.”
But the “Me First” philosophy is exactly opposite of what Jesus Christ taught.
Jesus’ point of view for living was not “me first” or even “put others first,” but it was to put Him first. Did you notice the wording of vs:21? We are to submit to one another out of what? “reverence for Christ.” You see when we put Him first, then, and only then, we will understand what it means to put others first or “submit to one another.” Let’s look at a few Scriptures that talk about what our attitude is to be. Here are two passages that clearly tell us our attitude is to be submissive not assertive.
Matt. 20:25-28 is a passage where two disciples ask to be prominent in Jesus’ plans. “But Jesus called them together and said, “You know that in this world kings are tyrants, and officials lord it over the people beneath them. But among you it should be quite different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must become your slave. For even I, the Son of Man, came here not to be served but to serve others, and to give my life as a ransom for many.”(NLT) He didn’t say be assertive he said, be what? A servant.
In Philippians 2 Paul talks about how Jesus was equal, spiritually, with God and certainly superior to us and yet He humbled Himself and became obedient to God and submissive to our needs. “In your lives you must think and act like Christ Jesus. Christ himself was like God in everything. But he did not think that being equal with God was something to be used for his own benefit. But he gave up his place with God and made himself nothing. He was born to be a man and became like a servant. And when he was living as a man, he humbled himself and was fully obedient to God, even when that caused his death - death on a cross.” (NCV)
I don’t want you to miss this point! If you believe in God and are interested in pleasing God, the question is not, "Should I be submissive?" but "To whom does God want me to submit?" Eph. 5:21 makes the point that we are not only to be submissive to those who have delegated authority over us but we are to be submissive to those who are equal to us or even under us. How exactly do we do that? Like Jesus we act in the best interest of others. This verse is revolutionary in terms of having right relationships, not just with husbands and wives but with anyone.
II. WIVES: SUBMISSIVE SPIRITS: Vss:22-24
And that brings us to a wife’s Godly role in the home- to have submissive spirits. Ladies, let’s read this one aloud together: Vss:22-24- “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
Now, believe me, I know that I’m treading in a minefield here. We’ve gone from saying that we all should be submissive to each other to now applying the dreaded “S” word to how wives should respond to their husbands. This is really counter-culture! To the world suggesting that a wife be submissive is chauvinistic, archaic and uneducated. But God simply says- "Wives submit to your husbands." Now, I really believe that most women react to this unfavorably because there aren’t many who have taken the time to explain what Biblical submission really means. I believe when you understand you not only will accept the concept but embrace it. So, ladies let’s look very carefully at what it means to be Biblically submissive. And it may be best to first discuss what Biblical submission is not and husbands don’t check out here. You need to hear this just as much as the ladies because I know some husbands who think this is a proof text for treating their wives in a heavy handed manner.
Biblical submission does not mean inferiority. The Bible, nowhere says that wives are inferior to their husbands. Notice this verse doesn’t say women be submissive to men, it says wives be submissive to husbands for the sake of your home. God is not saying here that the husband is the superior spouse. Please understand that being submissive, God’s way, has nothing to do with talent or intelligence.
Being biblically submissive does not mean surrender. The Bible doesn’t say “be submissive to your husband like France was to Hitler.” Being submissive does not mean you are a doormat or slave and can never give your opinion or advice. To the contrary, every husband should depend on your input! So, what does being “submissive” according to God mean?
(1) The word can mean a rendering of service or contribution. When you submit some service you say, ""This is what my service or merchandise will bring to you.” And when you marry, the woman is saying, "To this marriage I submit all my talents, gifts, thoughts, opinions, etc." And it is important that the husband receive all that she has to submit. Several years, while ministering in Florida, I was about to speak in chapel for our Church’s preschool and my wife was supposed to lead singing. But it was time to start and Deb was on the phone and I became impatient. So, when I went out to the auditorium, our Preschool Director, asked me, "Where’s Deb?" And I said in front of her and several teachers, "This is no news flash, but she’s on the phone yakking her head off!" You ever said something and as soon as it’s out you wish you could take it back? Well, that was how I felt, especially when I turned around and there was Deb looking right behind me, giving me the look of, "How could you?" After chapel she asked me to step in one of the side rooms. She said, "I would really appreciate it if you never criticized me like that in public." You see, she submitted her idea.. and I received her idea.
(2) Submission means recognizing your delegated authority given by God. If I rebel against the law of my country I’m actually, according to Romans 13, rebelling against God because He’s given all government. I can express my opinion, I can try to change the law.. but I’ve a responsibility to submit to the law of the land unless it contradicts God’s word, the Bible. Now, in the same way, if a wife rebels against her husband’s leadership she is rebelling against God’s line of delegated authority. Ladies, God is asking you to be cooperative, unless his decision contradicts God’s word, the Bible. Obviously this is going to be easier if your husband is fulfilling his spiritual role, but 1 Peter 3:1 tells wives to submit even if they are married to unbelievers.
Now, what does this mean practically? It means that you don’t rebel against your husbands leadership. You don’t dig your trench and say, "I don’t care what you say, I’m not going along with that. You’re not my boss!" It means you give your input, you submit your ideas and hopefully he makes a decision with all factors considered. But after all that if he makes a decision that you disagree with you can simply say,
“Well, I fulfilled my role before God and he’ll have to be accountable for his! (Stupid...”) No, you don’t rebel and you don’t ridicule your husband. You don’t cut him down, you don’t belittle him. You are to respect your husband. In fact, in vs:33 we have one of the few “must” scriptures in all the Bible. It’s for married couples and for the wives it says: “..the wife must respect her husband.” Respect is a command not an option.
To close this section I want you to see what I think is one of the greatest examples of what we’ve been talking about and surprisingly it’s in a Hollywood motion picture. In “The Family Man” Jack, the husband, has made a career decision without consulting Kate, his wife. Because the opportunity is so lucrative Jack is ready to root up his whole family for the “perfect life.” No more fast food, no more hand-me-downs - lots of perks. But it means uprooting Kate and the kids from everything they’ve ever known. There are some tense moments between the two of them but when the dust settles Kate communicates with her husband about this very volatile situation. I want you to listen to Kate’s ultimate response to Jack’s decision. Watch her body language, her tone and listen to her words.
VIDEO CLIP - The Family Man - Chap. 14:1:35:12 - 1:36:59 - 1:47
“I choose ‘us.’” You see, ladies that’s what submission is.. But I would rephrase Kate’s final words by telling you that when you are submissive the way God talks about here you’re saying, “I choose God and His ways and in doing so I choose us.”
III. HUSBANDS: LOVING LEADERS: Vss:25-33
Ok. Time to move on to the husband. Guys, I’ll be honest with you.. I think we have the tougher job. Because while our wives are to support and respect us God is looking for us to lead, but not lead just any way we want, but to lead as He wants.. The husband is to be the loving leader of the home. First, look again at vs:23. Guys, let’s read this one together - just the men: “For the husband is the head of the wife. as Christ is the head of the Church, His body, of which He is the Savior.” Men this is crucial: You are to lead your home the same way Christ leads the church. When you think in those terms you automatically know that loving leadership is not a dictatorship! Let’s face facts. Some men don’t handle leadership well, they bark out orders, they set down arbitrary rules. In fact, I know some men who actually take this passage and say, "I am the leader, you will be submissive, do you understand?" If you ever find yourself saying something like that understand this: You have missed the whole point of this passage!
With that in mind, here are 5 characteristics that make up a Godly husband’s leadership and form the acronym L.E.A.D.S,
(1) Husbands we are to lead lovingly. Vs:25- “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her..” Now, what does it mean in a practical way? It means you lead lovingly, sacrificing yourself for her. That’s what Jesus did for the Church. That means men put down the paper or mute the TV when she’s talking and really listen to her. That means you think of her first. That means we give up some of our money without grumbling, we give up our nap to sit at the table and talk, that means we give up a night of watching sports to go shopping. (Deb’s been writing in my notes again.)
A survey was taken several years ago of Christian wives and they were asked to list the ways in which their husbands were considerate or ways they wish they were considerate. It is impressive how many women mentioned little things like doing the chores around the house without being asked, letting the wife off in front of the building when its raining, remembering special days and understanding the "little things" as he sees them are really "big things" to her. Ask yourself: “What have I done this past week to show my wife how much I love her?” I challenge you today as you go home ask your wife this question. “Honey what are 3 things that I could do this week to demonstrate how much you mean to me?” Now, beware.. She may think that an alien has taken over your body but keep asking it... and then follow through! We lead lovingly.
(2) Husbands need to lead emotionally, that is we are to lead by giving the utmost consideration to our wives. 1 Peter 3:7- “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner..” (KJV "weaker vessel.") Now, does that sound sexist to you? She’s to be treated like the weaker partner, the weaker vessel? I want to show you this vessel- it’s a mug- with Atlanta Braves emblem on the front- but it’s a rugged plastic mug. You can beat it around, you can drop it, it will last a long time. You can come up after the service and handle it and even if somehow you mess it up it’s only a couple of bucks. It’s a strong vessel. I want to show you another vessel. It’s a weaker vessel, it’s made of china, very breakable. This china was passed down to my wife by my grandmother, so if you handle this after the service, handle it with care because my children still need a father and I promised her I wouldn’t break it. Now let me ask you something. Which vessel is weaker? Which vessel is more valuable? Sure.. This one. It’s weaker but it’s a lot more valuable and so treat it with sensitivity, gentleness and respect. Isn’t that what Jesus did? Eph. 5:26-27 tells us that he gave himself up for us in order to present the church (that’s us) as holy and blameless. We didn’t deserve that but that’s how he treats us... gently, tenderly.
And that’s how we are to treat our wives. Practically guys, that means we listen attentively to her, we hold her hand as we walk her to the car. Tell her she’s special, put her on a pedestal by complimenting her in public. Touch her arm gently when you walk by her in the kitchen and hug her expecting nothing sexually in return. Treat her gently, and you know what? You’ll be amazed at how responsive she is, as you lead emotionally, treating her as the more valuable vessel.
(3) Husbands lead attentively. Vs:28- “In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.” You pay attention to your body don’t you? Oh, I know, maybe not as much as we should sometimes. But if you’re hurt, if you have pain, you pay attention! Pay attention to your wives that way guys! No, not like she’s a pain! What I’m saying her is to listen to her, really listen! If you hear buzz phrases like, “You never listen to me.” -or- “You always tune me.” Then it’s time to hone your listening skills. Put down the paper, mute Sports Center and listen. Ask her to help you. “If you see me doing something and you really want my attention will you say, ‘Honey, this is important,’ or something to get me to understand I really need to listen.” She’ll appreciate that because she knows your trying to lead attentively.
(4) Husbands are to lead domestically. Vss:29-31 tells us that Christ cares for us like we feed our own bodies. And at one point we determined that we weren’t going to just feed or set up home for ourselves but we would set up a new domestic life with a partner. So I take this to mean we are to be leaders at home. Now, I know this can be tough. A lot of times when you come home, especially if you are a leader at work, you just don’t want anymore responsibility, and the easiest thing to do is to put your mind in neutral and allow your wife to handle stuff. That’s a temptation of mine. I am expected to lead in this church, not just on Sundays but everyday. And I’ll tell you a little secret.. sometimes I get tired of leading, making decisions, casting vision, mapping out plans. And so sometimes at home it’s just easier to “veg out.” After all I married a very capable woman. She is compassionate, a great mother, she has a gift for figures and she can handle our home quite well. And the temptation is to be uninvolved. In one of my favorite movies, Indians give a soldier a new name- They call him, "Dances With Wolves." My wife could give me some new names- "Sits watching Braves," "Lays in chair," "Stays on computer." But if I’m going to lead like Jesus, then like him, I have to take the initiative.. help deal with our children, pick up, plan activities. Like Jesus, I have to lead by positive involvement, domestically.
(5) Husbands lead spiritually. That’s where Jesus placed his priority. Vs:26 says “...he made us holy.” In many homes it is the mother who is the spiritual head of the house. It is the mother who says, "We need to go to Church, we need to have prayer at the table, watch your language now." And what we find happening is that the kids grow up thinking that Christianity is for children and women only. It wasn’t really important to Dad. The strongest Christian homes are those where Dad takes the lead. The children hear him pray, he makes sure the family is in Church, he’s not afraid to talk about God or the Bible. An intriguing study in 1994 found that the religious practice of the father of a family determines the future churchgoing habits of the children. 33% of children whose parents both attend services regularly will keep up the practice. But only 12% percent of the children will continue to go to church if Dad does not attend, even if Mom is a dedicated worshiper. But get this.. if Dad worships and Mom doesn’t, the percentage of children becoming regular worshipers is 64%! Guys, we set the spiritual temperature for our kids. And, Men, God is going to ask you about your involvement in the spiritual development not only of your kids but of your wife too. I’ll be honest with you men. If you will show your wife how much she means to you by sharing in the gracious gift of your spiritual life, and she’ll love and respect you more deeply than you can imagine.
Now, ladies, let me ask you something. If your husband LEADS in the ways that we have talked about would you have any trouble at all submitting to Him in the way God says? Guys, you be the "thermostat" in the home, setting the emotional and spiritual temperature. The wife can be the "thermometer," letting you know just how hot or cold it is! The greatest result of wives who are biblically submissive and husbands who are loving leaders is that Jesus Christ is exalted! Would you like a little heaven in your home? Charles Spurgeon said, “When the home is ruled by God’s Word, angels might be asked to stay with us, and they would not find themselves out of their element.” That’s the kind of Home Improvement God can bring: “Wives submit their husbands as to the Lord..and Husbands love their wives, just as Christ loved the church..”
PRAY
Powerpoint Presentation and Video Clips available on request.
