How Do I Forgive Others?
Matthew 18:21-35
Today we are continuing our series which is about forgiveness, by talking about the difficult subject of—how can we forgive others?
I suspect that the majority of you are familiar with the section of scripture we call the Lord’s Prayer. It’s found in Matthew 6 and it’s also found in Luke 11. Most of us recited it from memory a while ago. I just wanted to point out a couple of things that are included in that scripture and as a group prayer.
It starts out with Our Father, I like that part a lot. It reinforces the Christian belief that we are more than just a creation of God, we are children of God. So I really like that.
Then we hear one of those old sounding words, hallowed, hallowed be thy name. What does that word mean to us? As a definition, it means holy, consecrated, sacred or revered. It is a word queue reminding us that Our father is Holy, and well above us in standing.
That is sort of an odd combination isn’t it? Father and yet holy, perhaps it should not be as foreign as it seems between our children and ourselves….But hat is a sermon for another day.
One last element that I want you to notice, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
I don’t know about you but, I often find the words of Jesus so condemning to my since of right and wrong. To the way I want to deal with situations and especially certain people. In that example of prayer offered by Jesus to his disciples, He sets the example of asking for forgiveness of for trespasses…for our sins and connects the way God forgives us to the way that we forgive others.
Why is giving forgiveness so hard? I mean its one thing to ask God to forgive us. And that’s what we talked about a couple of weeks ago at Easter. Last week we talked about forgiving ourselves because sometimes even though we know God has forgiven us, we have a hard time forgiving ourselves, but then today, we are talking about one of the most difficult issues of forgiveness and that is—how do you forgive others?
I think that we have such a hard time forgiving others because we don’t really know what forgiving others really is. Let’s start by stating what forgiving other isn’t before we try to answer the how question.
First of all, forgiving others is not justifying other people’s actions. If you have been harmed in the past, if you need to forgive someone, you don’t have to say what they did was OK because…. They were under a lot of stress, or pressure or that they had a bad home life, or any other excuse and an attempt to help us forgive this other person. Forgiving others is not finding a justification or an excuse for another person’s bad behavior, attitude or sinful nature.
Second, forgiving others is not trusting that the passing of time will make things better.
I have heard it said that “time heals all wounds.” Let me just say that I think that is just a big fat lie. The passing of time is just that. It does not change the condition or the emotional pain that may quiet down fro a while only waiting for some small catalyst to bring it to life again. I don’t know about you but, I have a couple of things from over 10 years ago that come back to life whenever I hear a certain person’s name. The passing of time does NOT bring about healing. Time in it self does not make things better, time just passes so time will not help you to really forgive anyone.
Third, forgiving others does not mean that we deny being hurt. It is not saying – Oh, it did not really matter. I did not notice. It did not affect me. If you are a guy, you are really good at this. For some reason, guys love to deny being hurt, they are tough, rugged. A guy has an attitude that nobody is going to hurt us. Somebody punches you in the arm, you might say, you call that a punch, I hardly felt it. We will walk out of sight before we flinch or react to the pain.
When some one hurts you it is like getting a splinter in your finger. You know what that is like don you? It just looks like a little dot just under the skin. If you leave it there your body reacts doesn’t it. It festers and swells. It irritates and if unattended it can hurt your whole hand and in extreme cases threaten you whole body.
So, it’s not denying that you are hurt.
And forth, forgiving others is not confronting them and trying to get a response. It is not grabbing their arm and insisting on an apology. Forgiveness is not seeking revenge or causing the other person any special trouble or discomfort…even though we think it will make us feel better.
So now that we have talked about what forgiveness is not, what does it mean to really forgive others?
Before we go further, we need to personalize this process. I don’t want this to just be some general idea or mental exercise. I want you to experience true freedom by actually forgiving someone in your life that has really hurt you and that you need to forgive as a result.
So with that in mind, let me show you the first step in learning to forgive others and its:
• Remember - Remember how much I’ve been forgiven.
Remember how much (with emphasis) I’ve been forgiven is kind of how that should be said. Because the first step in forgiving others is to understand how much God has forgiven you and forgiven me.
How much has God forgiven you? He’s forgiven me a lot.
Remember a couple of weeks ago, at Easter, we talked about the Prodigal Son? We looked at the story as people that can claim to be a prodigal son or daughter and how God responds to our asking for forgiveness. How we welcomes us back into a relationship. God forgives us—not just partially; God forgives us completely.
Before we can understand how to forgive others, we must first understand how much God has forgiven us.
Why? Because God offers His forgiveness, not conditionally, but unconditionally.
You have to get this step down first because only forgiven people can forgive others.
-- To get our minds working this morning we are going to hear from some of our guest.
Before they start, would you just open your mind and say two things—(1) God, remind me during the short time of worship how much I have been forgiven and then (2) God bring to mind the name of someone who I need to forgive and let me personalize this process.
We have several guests here from the Shorter Wesley fellowship and we will now have them say hello and illustrate forgiveness.
WESLEY GIRLS
So did you remember just how much you have been forgiven? Did you think of someone you need to forgive? Bring those two things together.
Jesus tells a story, a parable, sometimes call the Parable of the Unforgiving/Unmerciful Servant. It’s in Matthew 18:21-35 - .For time reasons I will paraphrase the story pointing out a few of the instructional parts.
Jesus tells the story of a king who is owed a lot of money and the king decided to call in the people who were in debt to him and make them pay. So the first guy that the king calls is a guy who owed him a million dollars. The king says—you owe me a million, pay up. The guy says—I don’t have the money so the king orders the man and his whole family to be sold into slavery to satisfy the debt. That’s what they did in those days. It’s kind of like what they do these days if you have ever missed a credit card payment.
The man who owed the millions and fell on his knees before the king and he said—King, oh King, be patient with me and I will pay it all back. First of all, he was probably telling a lie because the million dollars is a fantastic amount to have to repay.
But the king did something unusual. The king, it says, was filled with pity for him and he released him and forgave his debt. He says—don’t worry about paying me back. You’re free.
Well, the man who was in debt left the king and was walking down the street. He sees a guy who owes him a thousand dollars, this man goes up to him and grabs this other man by the throat and he begins to shake him. Shaking the money out of him I guess. The guy who owed a thousand dollars fell down in front of the guy who had just been cleared of a million and this is what he says to him—dear sir, be patient with me and I will pay it back. But his creditor wouldn’t wait and he had the man arrested and jailed and thrown into debtor’s prison, he, his wife and his children.
Well, the word got back to the king. The king was very upset. The king went to the man who he had forgiven a million dollars, and Matthew 18:32-35 says,
"Then the master called the servant in. ’You wicked servant,’ he said, ’I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
Did I mention that Jesus’ words often condemn me? Those are strong words. According to Jesus I have to forgive others or face a change in my relationship with God.
Do you have someone in mind that you need to forgive? Really forgive? I suspect that you do. If someone came to mind I bet that you started playing back the instant replay in your mind of what they did to you.
The hurt, embarrassment, loss perhaps physical pain. Perhaps an infidelity in your relationship, or physical or verbal abuse. Maybe a betrayal or someone’s judgment and criticism. The kind of thing we are talking about is really personal, very personal and very deep and painful.
How do you forgive others when it is that painful?
Think about the person and your hurt and then … Remember how much you have been forgiven.
Now comes the most important part….You need to release the person completely.
What do I mean release? I mean that you need to set them free.
You have to stop playing the tape in your mind. The tape with the images, the acts and the words where he or she harmed you. The tape, the memory, must come out of the player in your mind.
For most of us, instead of releasing the person, we hold a grudge. We keep the tape safely stored in our memory.
You don’t have any grudges do you? Holding a grudge is allowing the splinter to remain in your hand as a memory of what they did and you alone are the one suffering the tenderness.
You have to let it go, and drop the grudge.
Release means to let them go but you don’t have to confront, or repair or even reconcile, Because releasing is your decision.
You choose to release them. Forgiveness is always a choice.
Forgiveness is not an emotion, it is a choice. You choose to forgive him or her. With that choice comes tremendous freedom... for you.
Do you want to be free of the suffering caused by the other person?
Then you have to do something about the splinter. You have to release the emotional infection you have toward the person.
-- Ok, did I ever say that this process was easy?
The bible documents that we must forgive however it does not tell us exactly how. So I have some not necessarily Biblical ways but these are some ways that psychologists have taught us that we can release a person.
For example, in psychology, they teach that one of the things that you can do is you can take out a piece of paper and you can sit down and you can write a letter to the person who has offended you. In that letter, you can say whatever you want to. You can say how much they hurt you. You can say how it felt. You can say all that stuff back to them, that you wanted to say if you ever had the chance. You can write it all down, but at the end of that letter, you say that you release them. You say that you are setting them free. You say that you are no longer holding this against them. Then you take that letter and fold it and you put it in an envelope and then you never mail it. It goes in a drawer somewhere or you put the envelope in the “File 13” mail box. That act can be your release papers…. To experience your own freedom.
As silly as that might sound, it can work. It will set you free because there is something about taking action on what we are talking about today that works.
Now, other times it is taught that you can sometimes sit down and have an imaginary conversation. There in your room, you can pull up a chair perhaps look at a picture and you can pretend the person is there and you can have this conversation as a verbal release of an imaginary dialog allows you to release them.
There are all kinds of seemingly silly actions that can help you to express your emotions and state your pain and allow you to reach for peace that comes as you release the pressure building up and infecting your spirit.
The point is, do whatever it takes to release them because this is too important to just let it sit. This process of setting someone free, of releasing them, it is key step to the freedom that God wants you to experience in forgiveness.
When you do that, whether it is this process, the chair or the letter, when you do that what you are doing is saying I’m giving up my rights— rights to what?
Romans 12:19-21 “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.”
When you fully release a person; you are not taking revenge and repaying a wrong with a wrong, a sin with a sin, or a hurt with a hurt.
I know that is not what you had planned. We can see it in the theater of our minds, the imagined scene where we will get even. We have thought it through and know just want we think we will say and maybe even do.
But when we release someone we are also releasing the “right” to revenge.
Revenge is not your job. God says He’ll take care of that. "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. Let me just say that you don’t want God’s job and if you try to take it you will never be released from your pain.
You are saying, that person no longer owes me anything. I am releasing them from the debt that I think they owe me. That is what the king in the parable does. He just forgives the debt and releases the man.
When it comes to this issue of release, you will either release them once and be done with it for the rest of your life, or you will rehearse the episode of pain in your mind for the rest of your life.
Either release or rehearse and you have the choice.
Forgiveness is always a choice. I think it is the most difficult stage, but it’s one of the big steps. So once you take the big step of releasing them, you are ready for the next step.
• Recognize
Now you are ready to recognize God’s role in forgiving others. When we trust God enough to release the person and actually make the choice to forgive our enemy, God joins us in the process. Unfortunately, God does not move in first and make us forgive another person. I wish He would. If he would just wipe away the pain and the emotions that keep the event alive this process would be a lot easier.. But, His way requires us to exercise our free will and make a choice. If we will do that, Make the choice and ask for God to assist in the details of our healing, the change of heart and the destruction of the mental images, then we recognize that God is helping us in the forgiveness process. We will never really successful and never achieve true freedom unless we recognize that we can’t completely, forgive without God’s help. When you take the first steps to forgive like God forgives, then you are opening the doors between yourself and God. You are demonstrating a family resemblance as a child of the king. You are demonstrating the power of God working in your life which frees you from a life time of infection and suffering and moving toward a life of freedom and peace.
The first three steps in forgiveness are absolutely mandatory. Remember, Release, Recognize. You have to take these three steps. You can’t skip any of them.
Number fourth step is conditional. I think it is suggested by verse 18 we read a minute ago, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Step number four in God’s process of forgiving others is — to reestablish …make peace…in the relationship.
Let me point out that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same.
There are times when a relationship should not be reconciled. For example, don’t reestablish the relationship if it is going to lead to additional personal harm. So you were harmed by this person once, you try to go and reestablish a relationship; you are likely to get harmed again. Don’t do that.
-- Don’t reestablish the relationship if the other person is unaware that they have harmed you. It may be just better to leave them in that naive state than to end up causing them harm by reestablishing the relationship.
-- Don’t reestablish the relationship if you expect an apology, or repayment or have any expectation of what the other person SHOULD do. If we have a set of expectations, then we have not released the person and reconciliation is only going to cause new harm in the relationship.
-- Don’t reestablish the relationship if there is less than a 25% chance of restoration.
25% how did I pick 25%.... I picked a number that acknowledged that God must be involved in the process. A number that reflects some level of hope.
So how can you judge a % when we are talking about relationships? That is a judgment that is between you and God. What I am saying is you should not require a 90%, or 75% or 50% chance in your mind before you consider reconciliation.
However, the little phrase “If it is possible…” tells us that God gives us the choice and the judgment to make your own decision. You get to use your own wisdom and discernment to decide.
However, if it will cause you too much stress and pain then don’t go there until you are ready.
The fifth step is to repeat the process.
Have you ever read the back of a shampoo bottle?
It says, wash, rinse, and repeat.
Forgiveness is the same kind of process. You are going to go through this process for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, we will be hurt, neglected, and abused at different times in our lives. So in order to live a life with freedom real freedom we will be exposed to harmful people situations. The only other choice is to wall ourselves into as safe of a place as possible and to live as a prisoner within our emotions. It will be a life that protects us from pain; however, it also limits our opportunities for joy and happiness as well.
So forgiving others is a process that allows us to remain free and to recover WHEN things happen.
I heard a story about a pastor that was preaching a sermon on forgiveness.
Toward the end of the church service, the minister asked, ’How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’
About 80% held up their hands. The minister then repeated the question and all responded by raising their hands except one small, elderly lady.
’Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’, the minister asked.
’I don’t have any’, she replied, smiling sweetly.
’Mrs. Jones, that is indeed unusual. How old are you?’
’Ninety-eight’ she replied.
’Mrs. Jones, would you come down front and tell the congregation how a person can live for ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?’
The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled sweetly and said, ’I outlived all of them.’
-- That story sounds like she thought she was the winner…..But I wonder if outliving our enemies is really a win. Especially if we live a life the limits how and who we will love. If we limit who we will care for and about.
This morning, you have been thinking of one person that you need to forgive. As we leave today, I am going to invite you to write the initials of that person on the canvas that represents God wall of forgiveness and take the steps to forgive them.
But that’s just one person.
Unless you have lived just a really sheltered life, there is probably more than one splinter in your emotional hand. More than one person where you still have the tape and hold the grudge. For you to receive the peace that comes when you forgive people you are going to have to repeat this process, take the steps and then forgive each one in turn.
Again, just to be fully honest with you, even if you forgive everyone in your past, there are going to be more people in your future, because we live in this fallen world. God doesn’t promise perfection in this life, until we get to Heaven. So if you want that God has for you, you are going to have to repeat this process.
This is a big issue. God desires what’s best for you. And God says that the only way that you can experience His best is to forgive others. Because when it comes to forgiving others, forgiveness is a choice. It’s not an emotion. It’s a choice. Today you have a choice. You have a choice.
On one side of the equation you can choose to hold on to your grudges. You can choose to hold on to your desire for revenge, and you can let bitterness run wild in your life. Bitterness can be the choice that you choose. God will not force you. It’s up to you. You can choose bitterness.
But you should know, if you allow bitterness to run wild in your life, it will manifest itself in some amazingly unhealthy ways. It will manifest itself in high blood pressure. It will manifest itself in a short temper, irritability, sleeplessness, obsession with getting even.
Bitterness will manifest itself in depression, isolation, negative attitudes and a general feeling of disease.
-- So you can choose bitterness Or, you can choose to forgive another person. And you can find freedom. You can find release. You can find peace with God and with others. You can find health. You can find joy. You can find love, but modeled at a higher level.
In general, when you choose to forgive, you are saying—God, take me to a higher level of living. Make me more like you and the choice is up to you. And my challenge to you today is to choose freedom.
Just bow your heads whether you want to engage in this exercise or not, the choice is up to you. But if you are ready to forgive another person, maybe just right now, you say in your heart—
Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for how much You have forgiven me. Today, I forgive (just say their name, the person you are forgiving). God, I’m forgiving them for (you just tell God what it is. He already knows, but there is something about saying it and releasing that person). Just continue to pray. God show me the action I need to take to reestablish the relationship. Help me to forgive others as much as you have forgiven me. In Jesus name. Amen.
All Glory be to God!!
As we depart here today, if you did that, if you found that freedom, The easel and the canvas are still by the door. I just want to invite you to get that marker and on our wall of forgiveness, write the name or the initials of the person you have been thinking about and that’s your statement, your signature of forgiveness. Maybe you can do that today.
