The newly married couple was building their dream home. Great care was taken to make sure everything was being done just right. The walls had to be perfectly square. The floor needs to be level. The cabinets had to fit just right. They take care to make sure the light fixture is hanging exactly in the centre of the dining room. They wouldn’t accept an imperfection in the drywall or a carpet that didn’t quite fit right. Every single detail was looked at and examined. Great care was taken to make sure it was built right.
Many people start their marriages that way. They take great care of them. They want it to be just right – picture perfect. They take care of any needs; they make sure everyone is happy. They want perfection.
After our happy couple has lived in their house one year, two years, 5 years, 10 years, especially after there’s been a few kids in there, the house begins to show signs of wear and tear. There’s scuff marks on the wall, there’s broken ceramic tiles, there’s stains in the carpet, the cabinet door is kind of loose. And the really interesting phenomenon is that the things that would never be acceptable in the beginning have become things that you learn to live with.
And after a few more years, that beautiful home that was built with pride, has deteriorated into something mundane and ordinary, maybe even drab. It’s no longer attractive.
What do you do? You have three choices:
You either put up with it the way it is.
You invest the time and energy to renovate.
You get rid of it and buy something new.
The easy solution; the “convenient” solution, is to “get rid of it and try something new”. And while that may be a possibility when it comes to a house; it is a dreadful idea when it comes to a marriage.
This is a true story of what one women wrote to Ann Landers: “Dear Ann Landers: Sometimes you feel lonely and unloved in a marriage – even after 23 years. You feel as if there’s got to be more to life, so you set out to find someone who can make you blissfully happy. You believe you have found that someone and decide he is exactly what you want. So you pack up and say good-bye to your 23 year marriage and all the friends you made when you were part of a couple. You give your children the option of coming with your or staying with their father. You live the glorious life for a few years, and then a light bulb goes on in your empty head. You realize that you have exactly the life you had before – only difference is that you’ve lost your friends, your children’s respect and the best friend you loved and shared everything with for 23 years. And you miss him. You realize that love doesn’t just happen, it must be nurtured through the years. You cannot undo what has been done, so you settle for a lonely and loveless life with emptiness in your heart. Signed: – Heavy-hearted in Philly (Sept 30/96).
Is there something we can do to keep from ending up like this person? Absolutely! We can reject the world’s mind-set of convenience, individualism, and distrust and we can embrace a godly mind-set.
Last Sunday we looked at the mind-sets that destroy relationships; mindsets of convenience (everything needs to be easy), individualism (what’s in it for me?), and distrust (can’t believe what you’re saying).
If we want to build a healthy marriage, we need to get away from these worldly mind-sets and move toward a godly mind-set. And in just a few minutes were going to take a look at what a godly mind-set looks like, but first I need to add something that was brought to my attention during our Bible Study last Wednesday when we were reflecting on last week’s message.
This statement is so simple, yet it is so easily overlooked. A wise man in our group said:
“The way we behave before being married (referring to chastity) will greatly effect our marriage”.
You see, when two people live together before marriage they are not only in direct contradiction to the very clear teaching and command in God’s Word (which is reason enough to abstain from premarital sex), but they are also building a relationship on a foundation that is based entirely on the worldly mind-set:
Convenience: It’s convenient for us to live together before marriage. Is that right? So when it becomes inconvenient to live together after marriage does that mean the marriage is through? Unfortunately, yes. You see, when “convenience” over rules “right and wrong” you will run into trouble.
Individualism: When a couple engages in premarital sex they are thinking about themselves. “Let me get my fulfillment regardless of right or wrong.” Is that really what you want in a relationship? Someone without moral conviction? If the moral conviction isn’t there to abstain from premarital sex; what’s to stop someone from having an affair 5, 10, or 20 years later when the marriage isn’t all that it once was? When the dream home is showing signs of wear and tear?
Distrust: I can’t imagine a clearer picture of distrust than living together before marriage. Think about it. In effect you’re saying – I’m committed to you – but I’m not committed to you. I’m with you now, but if things don’t go the way I like, I know where the door is! How can you build a marriage that way? What kind of foundation are you laying? Shaky groud.
It is no wonder, as more and more people in the church decide that they know better than God’s Word and they reject God’s standard and build a relationship on a faulty worldly mind-set… it’s no wonder that the divorce rate is skyrocketing even in the church. It’s bound to happen.
Well, there is a better way.
Paul wrote to the Ephesians: You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Eph. 4:22-24)
It’s right there – plain as can be. The old self; the self that is governed by a worldly mind-set; a mind-set that has been corrupted by deceitful desires needs to be rejected and in it’s place we need a new attitude in our mind; a new self, created to be a reflection of God.
That’s a tall order. What does it take to get there? What are the characteristics of a godly mind-set?
1. Boundaries (Discipline)
Right from the start, when God created Adam and Eve he gave them freedom within boundaries.
In Genesis 2:16 God tells Adam & Eve, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.”
We need boundaries. The worldly mind-set is just opposite – anything you want when you want. Yet when God created man, one of the first things he did was establish boundaries – for man’s own good.
Many children are raised without boundaries. If you do that, you are setting up your children for failure because they will grow up believing that everything must be done the way they like it.
And when they grow up and get into a marriage with that kind of a mind-set; they’re doomed to failure.
Life does not work without boundaries – and neither do marriages.
2. Community (Co-operation)
This is really the opposite of Individualism that I spoke about last week. This is the attitude that says other people matter; whether it’s my wife, my neighbor, my co-worker or even someone in church!
In other words, it’s NOT all about me.
Paul wrote to the Philippians: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philip. 2:3-4.
If we can come into the most important relationship (a marriage) with this attitude; better yet, if we can maintain this attitude throughout marriage, we will do well.
When we have this attitude, when we are looking out for each other, we all win.
When we go the other way and focus only on ourselves, we lose.
It’s like what Paul said about the church being a body – many parts working together. If one part suffers, the entire body suffers.
In a marriage the two become one. That’s why a mind-set of “community” is so vital in a marriage.
3. Integrity (Commitment)
What you see is what you get. Better yet, what you say is what you get!
As far as God is concerned, and your spouse for that matter, “forever” doesn’t mean “for as long as the marriage works” or “for as long as it feels good” or “for as long as my personal needs are being met”. “Forever” means for the rest of our lives. God sees our vows as life-long and permanent.
The Bible says, “When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said.” (Numbers 30:1-2).
If integrity is not part of our mind-set, it will be much easier to walk away from a marriage that is faltering.
Because I am a man of integrity, I will stand with my wife through good times or in bad times.
Because my wife is a woman of integrity, I don’t need to wonder if she is being faithful or not.
Integrity is essential; along with boundaries and a sense of community.
This is all good advice, but what do we do when we have a damaged marriage? Is there any hope?
We are going to look at exactly that next Sunday: “Rebuilding an R-Rated Marriage”.
